tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-89476289661208161302024-03-14T03:54:10.232+00:00Fast HandsThe opinions, half truths and stories of an exiled Geordie and future Booker prize winner!
<a href="http://technorati.com/faves?sub=addfavbtn&add=http://fasthands-thegeordieauthor.blogspot.com"><img src="http://static.technorati.com/pix/fave/btn-fave2.png" alt="Add to Technorati Favorites"></a>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.comBlogger268125truetag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-51635065443368344022013-04-02T18:43:00.000+01:002013-04-02T18:43:19.320+01:00This blog is now dead!However...you can get me at <b><span style="font-size: large;"><a href="http://www.andyrivers.co.uk/" target="_blank">www.andyrivers.co.uk </a></span></b>where I'd be more than happy to talk more shite with you!<br />
<br />
Later.Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-2456549008089021722012-05-27T17:40:00.001+01:002012-05-27T17:41:03.430+01:00Agent Ex?<br />
Are literary agents a dying breed? The time was when a would-be author would finish typing up their opus, print it all out in the manner specified by the respective agency in the Artists and Writers Yearbook, parcel it up and then spend a mint on postage before crossing their fingers and hoping that this time it would be different. Inevitably the deep sigh of disappointment that accompanied your rejection slip (not letter - slip!) would be tempered by the fact that they may actually have read this one before rejecting it (a fiver says they hadn't!) and you MUST be getting closer.<br />
<br />
But that was then, this is the new world of E-Books, Print-On-Demand and a million small publishers (*ahem*) who print what they want with no regard for sales! (Sales? I've heard of them, can't quite place the word though...)<br />
<br />
Seriously, why would you jump through hoops to impress someone who won't bother their arse to sell your work anyway because you're not 'current' but will take a percentage of anything you do create through your genius when you can bang it out on the Kindle and keep all of the profit yourself?<br />
<br />
'Ah hold on you Geordie gobshite,' I hear you cry, 'agents, help with editing and contracts and that don't they.' They certainly assist with contracts etc and some of them can get quite tricky with regard to rights and stuff but a solicitor (ie someone qualified in the law ) would look it over for a set fee and not 15% of everything you ever make from that particular book. Editing, again, is something that can be sub-contracted out but really, if you fancy yourself as an author, is also a task you should be able to do yourself.<br />
<br />
At the end of the day writing is a business first and foremost and if you have designs on making it then you need to be able to take care of business yourself , sadly for agents it looks as though a number of writers already are - it'll be interesting to watch what happens.<br />
<br />
ARRivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-46456342181577859272012-03-16T21:29:00.000+00:002012-03-16T21:36:54.509+00:00Proper RadgiesAlreet,<br />
<br />
I went to the launch of <a href="http://bykerbooks.co.uk/Radge6Sales.aspx" target="_blank">Radgepacket 6</a> at The Back Page in Newcastle last week and it was a canny good do. Loads of the authors turned out (Darren Sant, Lee Kelly, Nick Quantrill, Pete Sortwell, Carol Fenlon, Linda Lewis, Joe Young, Craig Douglas, Luca Veste et al) and there was few famous faces past and present about as well (Sheila Quigley, Rod Glenn and Darrell Irving) some contracts were signed (Darren S again and Eileen Wharton) plenty of drink was had, tales swapped and banter exchanged - all in all a good day.<br />
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Then this week I noticed a review of the book had appeared on the <a href="http://sabotagereviews.com/2012/03/15/radgepacket-6/" target="_blank">'Sabotage Review'</a> site so I checked it out and it was a corker - have a look (SPOILER ALERT - they give away the end to Nick Q's story so divvent read that bit of you haven't read the story!)<br />
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Proper 'Radge' eh?<br />
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Later.<br />
<br />Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-91386566382554853942012-02-07T14:53:00.002+00:002012-02-07T14:56:20.990+00:00Hammered!<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">As you may recall my debut novel </span><span style="font-family: 'Helvetica Neue', Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;"><a href="http://bykerbooks.co.uk/MSHSales.aspx" target="_blank">'Maxwell's Silver Hammer'</a> </span><span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">was released back in 2010 to much critical acclaim and fanfare (or maybe not...) and since then it's had a steady trickle of positive reviews and comments from satisfied readers.</span><br />
<br />
<span style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">What's that? You don't believe me? I'm outraged...here, take a look at this latest review from the mightily well respected <i>'Crime Fiction Lover'</i> website and eat a big slice of humble pie...</span><br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.crimefictionlover.com/2012/02/maxwells-silver-hammer/" target="_blank"><b>Maxwell's Silver Hammer </b></a>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-54565018231403161742012-01-16T15:37:00.000+00:002012-01-16T15:37:58.313+00:00Brit Grit Too...and a bit of a review...<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Alreet,</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I contributed a story to a charity anthology entitled <a href="http://www.amazon.com/Brit-Grit-Too-ebook/dp/B006N7YAUU/ref=sr_1_1?s=digital-text&ie=UTF8&qid=1326728153&sr=1-1" target="_blank">'Brit Grit Too'</a> some time ago and then promptly forgot all about it (I'm a busy man ye kna!) Anyway, it's out on the Kindle and it's cheap so have a look.</span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">I was reminded of it recently when someone pointed me to a review of said anthology in which the reviewer said :</span><b><i> <span style="background-color: #edeff4; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;">'Andy Rivers' superb Geraldine comes immediately to mind. A twisted tale of football fans and murder, told with real sympathy (underneath the macho exterior) and a genuine voice. The narrator honestly feels like somebody I've met and forgotten.'</span></i></b><br />
<span style="background-color: #edeff4; color: #333333; font-family: 'lucida grande', tahoma, verdana, arial, sans-serif; font-size: 11px; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><br /></span><br />
<span style="background-color: white; color: #333333; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;">Here's a link to the <a href="http://availableinanycolour.blogspot.com/2012/01/brit-grit-too-ed-paul-d-brazill.html" target="_blank">full review</a> in case you think I'm talking nonsense. </span></span><br />
<span style="background-color: #edeff4; color: #333333; line-height: 14px; text-align: left;"><span style="font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><br /></span></span><br />
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<span style="color: #333333; font-family: 'Courier New', Courier, monospace;"><span style="line-height: 14px;">Canny eh? Now buy my books and see if he's talking shite!! ;-)</span></span></div>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-53120186492141715142011-12-14T21:38:00.000+00:002011-12-14T21:38:10.561+00:00Dear Santa...<span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><i>As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-</i></span><br />
<br />
<br />
<ol>
<li><b>Mike Ashley</b> - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.</li>
<li><b>Michael Barrymore</b> - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.</li>
<li><b>The knobs who run AOL</b> - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.</li>
<li><b>My Laptop</b> - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.</li>
<li><b>The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door</b> - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.</li>
<li><b>Derek Llambias</b> - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.</li>
<li><b>The Reading Public</b> - news of my books and how to get them...please!</li>
<li><b>Alan Pardew</b> - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.</li>
<li><b>Top Models all over the world</b> - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.</li>
<li><b>The winner of this years X-Factor</b> - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?</li>
<li><b>Students</b> - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.</li>
<li><b>Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing</b> - a photoshoot in Syria.</li>
</ol>
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? </span></i><i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Smashing. </span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">See you next year.</span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Yours Sincerely,</span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br /></span></i><br />
<i><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Fasthands</span></i>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0Newcastle Upon Tyne, Newcastle upon Tyne, Tyne and Wear NE1 1TT, UK54.970046940209208 -1.61499023437554.679821940209209 -2.246704234375 55.260271940209208 -0.983276234375tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-25414145742834207912011-12-04T11:35:00.001+00:002011-12-04T16:07:27.682+00:00You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club....<div class="separator" style="clear: both; text-align: center;">
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Some things are beyond profit and personal gain.<br />
Always and forever.....</div>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-5283529327344026632011-11-22T18:41:00.001+00:002011-11-22T18:45:06.077+00:00More Clubmen.....<div class="MsoNormal"><strong>The Club Man Chronicles</strong><br />
<br />
An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club<br />
<b><u><i><br />
</i></u></b><br />
<b><u><i>Knocker</i><o:p></o:p></u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><b><u><br />
</u></b></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Christmas Time<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Santa’s a swine<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">He didn’t bring <o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Me bike last time<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;"><br />
</span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">With logs on the fire<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">And a bat by the stair<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">He’s getting knocked out<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">If I don’t get one this year…</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span style="font-family: Georgia, serif;">KNOCKER…GET OFF THAT FUCKING MICROPHONE AND TURN THAT CLIFF RICHARD RECORD OFF – THE TURN’S ON IN A MINUTE…<o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Times, 'Times New Roman', serif;">Heh heh heh…</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><o:p></o:p></span></div><div class="MsoNormal"><br />
</div><div class="MsoNormal"><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: Georgia, serif;"><b><u><br />
</u></b></span></div>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-68480488582412477222011-11-10T15:17:00.001+00:002011-11-10T20:34:30.368+00:00Tapped!You're not going to believe this like but I was <strike>robbing</strike> cleaning this place in Wapping last night when I found this tape lying about with a label on saying <em>'Sleazeball and Greedy fat cocksucker 08/11/11'</em> on it. So I played the tape and..well...maybe you should just read the transcript :-<br />
<br />
<em>- Mike, Degsy here me ol' china. </em><br />
<em>- Awright Degs, how's it in the frozen Norf my son. They still 'ate us do they?</em><br />
<em>-Nah Guv, that's why I'm ringin' innit. They're startin' to fink we're okay. </em><br />
<em>-Wot? Even though we treated Keegan and Shearer like absolute dogshit, relegated 'em, raped the club of it's best and most saleable assets and generally took the piss out of every single fackin one of 'em?</em><br />
<em>-Yeah guv, even though we did all that. It's 'cos the gimp has managed to do alright by beating teams like Wigan and Wolves and that. E' even used that phrase abaht 'marking their cards' and they fell for it. By the way you still has to knock a monkey off of his debt for saying that.</em><br />
<em>-No probs geezah, he'll still owe me enough to keep 'im up there for a long time yet. Tell 'im I'll knock anuvva pony off if he says it again in a weeks time cos I'm finkin' that if the fick Norvern Mankeys is ripe for it then it's time for Plan B my san.</em><br />
<em>-I was 'oping you'd say that Mike - I've got the statement here now. Listen to this bit <span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">'In order to compete with the big clubs..'</span></em><br />
<em>- Pppppfffftttttt...they fink the money will go to the team ha ha ha ha fackin' Geordie mugs!</em><br />
<em>- I know boss, they've even forgot about the £35mill we squirrelled down our sky rockets. Norveners, thick as fack guvnor, thick as fack.</em><br />
<em>- Yeah fack it. Do the statement about re-naming the grand on Thursday - tell the gimp to keep his loaf of bread dahn for the time bein' - wot shall we call it then?</em><br />
<em>- 'Sports Direct Arena' guv, got to be innit? That'll fack them right off wunnit?</em><br />
<em>- Good call Degsy, good call. That's wot it'll be then. I'm sure they'll say something abaht 'istory and tradition and that but the fick Norven cants need to understand I'm dahn to me last Billion so there's no way I'm only takin' £40 million a year out of their poxy little clab when I can 'ave more.</em><br />
<em>- It's all abaht the cash boss, nuffink else matters in this life.</em><br />
<em>- Bang on Degsy, bang on me old son. I've 'ad anuvver idea an' all Degs.</em><br />
<em>-Wot's 'at gorgeous...I mean boss?</em><br />
<em>- I'm gunna shit on the staute of that Jocky Miliband they've got up there an' all. </em><br />
<em>- I fink it's Jackie Milburn my love...I mean guv.</em><br />
<em>- Wotevva, I'm gunna shit all over it. That'll fackin' learn 'em.</em><br />
<em>- <span style="font-family: inherit;">Stone the</span> crows guv, they'll go mental.</em><br />
<em>- Nah they won't cos we'll just say I was sponsored by Sports Direct and the money'll go straight to the team and we need it <span style="font-family: "Courier New", Courier, monospace;">'In order to compete with the big clubs..'</span></em><br />
<em><span style="font-family: Courier New;">- </span><span style="font-family: inherit;">Ha ha, you are one diamond geezah Mikey. Let's go and spend some of that £35 mill on hookers in Barbados while them Norven fuckwits bleat and argue amongst themsleves abaht the grand.</span></em><br />
<em>- Nice One Degsy - see you at 'Eathrow. Tell the gimp not to say anything while we're gone.</em><br />
<em>- Right you are Guv. Laters.</em><br />
<br />
So there you go. I mean, obviously, I've got no idea who it is or what there on about - any of you got a clue?Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-84050786299638806612011-11-02T16:32:00.000+00:002011-11-02T16:32:48.308+00:00The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .I get a mention in this...fame at last eh? Have a look.<br /><br /><a href="http://ianayris.blogspot.com/2011/11/byker-books-entire-catalogue.html?spref=bl">The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .</a>: Those cheeky chappies over at Byker Books - purveyors of top notch Brit Grit, titles including the legendary Radgepacket series - now have ...Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-79180341852211153852011-10-18T16:31:00.000+01:002011-10-18T16:31:17.294+01:00Ask an Author...or even ask me....I'm currently taking part in a month long 'Ask an Author' session on the 'Close2TheBone' blog - this means that anyone (fucking ANYONE mind!) can ask me a question about the nuts and bolts of being a top author. Fucked if I know why they're asking me cos the closest I've ever been to a top author was that time I threw a plate at the telly when Jeffrey Archer was on...anyway...they asked me so I'm doing it.<br />
<br />
Here's the link - why don't you join in?<br />
<br />
<a href="http://www.craigrobertdouglas.com/general/pete-sortwell%E2%80%99s-%E2%80%98ask-an-author%E2%80%99-with-andy-rivers-14/">Fasthands talks shite...again</a><br />
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Right then, must go and practice my lies for when someone asks about groupies...later kids.Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-76703678700516265002011-09-24T12:20:00.000+01:002011-09-24T12:20:16.037+01:00Everything is average nowadays - part 11Fat Charva pikey neighbours who, after years of behaving like feral teenagers, suddenly decide that, with the onset of their second child to a different bloke, they'll 'nest' culminating in huge gaps in the hedge that protects you from seeing their fat, ugly, spotty, white bread, junk food ravaged faces because the thick cunt she's shacked up with now doesn't have English as his first language and doesn't understand 'stop cutting the roots away you prick'; E-on, the energy supplier, rude customer service and stupid bastards in charge - we're gone you fuckers; Students - wankers; People who moaned about Adam Ant when we went to see him in concert - you know who you are you un-rock n roll huckle; Chris Moyles - just hate the unfunny fat prick; AOL - not only barefaced robbing bastards who promise you one thing and then try to charge you for another before going very quiet when you catch them out they also palm you off with shit routers that only work intermittently before claiming it's your line that's to blame - well it worked fine before I switched routers you bunch of fucking dildo's; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; The Daily Express or as it should be called now The Channel 5 programme guide; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, scum; And Finally...drivers who don't indicate - why? I'm not a mind-reader and you've got your kids in that car. Is it so much effort to flick the stalk on the side of your wheel you incompetent cunt? Is stuffing crisps into your fat face more important than me knowing which exit you're coming off at the roundabout as I put my two tons of killing machine into gear and pull out in your path...tosser!<br />
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Right, feel better for that - go and watch the match now - no way I'll get narked with Pardew is charge is there......Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-21032422501414408342011-09-20T15:39:00.001+01:002011-09-20T16:36:35.768+01:00Murder? Bollocks man.I've just read in the news that a bloke in Manchester has been arrested on suspicion of murder after stabbing an intruder in his home. On further reading I discovered that there were two men in the gentlemans house and that in the ensuing struggle one of them died after being stabbed with his OWN knife.<br />
<br />
The police, as is their whole reason for getting up in the morning, nicked the householder as fast as they possibly could - doubtless knocking one out in the squad car on the way back at the thought of ticking two boxes on their target form for the month.<br />
<br />
However, what concerns me most is this - if the householder stabbed the intruder with his own knife how can that possibly be construed as murder? I thought murder involved 'malice aforethought' and some form of general planning. Am I worng or did the householder really plan it all in advance? Did he break into the intruders house and plant the knife in his coat pocket next to his balaclava and knuckle duster? Did he send his wife and child to the shops at the exact time he knew they'd be coming in through the window? Did he sit by the door night after night, hoping against hope that someone would break in so he could 'murder' them just like he'd planned to all along.....or are the police in this country just making shit up now....answers on a postcard please to thiscountrysfucked@thankstonyblairyoucunt.comRivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-21816164377290689082011-09-13T20:55:00.006+01:002011-09-13T21:50:02.923+01:00I can see a liar....<b><span class="Apple-style-span" >Since knifing Chris Hughton in the back in order to take his job Alan Pardew has been vocal about everything concerned with Newcastle United. There are those who think he's a bare-faced liar who will say anything to get out of whatever question he's just been asked, those who think he's simply a foolish dupe who has been hired to be Ashley's scapegoat as he's thick as fuck and a tiny minority who think that he's a capable football manager and that spending most of his career in the lower divisions before being sacked by league two Southampton for being shit was ideal preparation for managing the third best supported club in England.</span></b><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" ><br /></span></b></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" >Well, you know me, I'm all about giving people a chance to dig their own graves - so let's examine some of the drivel he's spouted shall we :-</span></b></div><div><br /></div><div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-family: georgia; "> </span><b><i><span class="Apple-style-span" >David Beckham is a player who could wear a Newcastle shirt I think. (Jan 06/11)</span></i></b></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b>Aye right.</b></span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b><br /></b></span></div><div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-weight: normal; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><i><b>We have given the answer to anyone who has contacted us that he's not for sale - it's as simple as that,</b> <b>I can't say strongly enough that Andy Carroll will not leave in this window, 100 per cent. (Jan 06/11)</b></i></span></b></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b>Pants on fire Alan you big fibber.</b></span></div></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); font-family: Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif; font-size: small; "><b><br /></b></span></div><div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><i><b>'Look, this money has to be reinvested in the team. All of it,'" Pardew said. "And he assured me of that. That is the most important message I can give Newcastle fans today. I talked to Mike 15 minutes ago to clarify that and he was pretty clear. The money will be Andy's legacy to the team. (Feb01/11)</b></i></span></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b>Note the word 'TEAM' - not 'Club' or 'training ground' or 'wages for a free transfer who's shit anyway'</b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 14px; line-height: 18px;"><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: normal; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><i>"<span class="Apple-style-span" >We want to secure Kevin - I certainly do," </span></i></span><span class="Apple-style-span" > (May 23/11)</span></b></span></span></li><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: normal; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><b>My opinion is that we couldn't give Kevin a five-year contract because, if Kevin isn't playing first-team football, he isn't going to be the leader we want, I'm convinced of that (July 05/11) </b></span></span></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b>Change of mind Al??</b></span></div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: normal; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><b><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; ">there will be another striker coming in. We’re poised to do what we can and I still think we can bring in another two offensive players. (Jul 05/11) </span></b></span></span></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><b>This is after we signed Demba Ba Pardew fans - so yes he was talking shite.</b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="font-size: 12px; line-height: 19px;"><br /></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><b>There's fucking loads more but I really can't be arsed spending time on someone who thinks we're as thick as pigshit and believe everything he says - particularly his new '<i>oh poor me, it's not my fault</i>' act.</b></span></span></div><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "><b><br /></b></span></span></div><div><b><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; ">so what's the verdict I hear you ask, well here's one more 'cos I think you already know what I think of Ashleys puppet...</span><span class="Apple-style-span" style="background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 19px; "> </span></span></span></b></div><ul><li><span class="Apple-style-span" style="line-height: 18px; "><span class="Apple-style-span" ><span class="Apple-style-span" style="color: rgb(51, 51, 51); line-height: normal; background-color: rgb(255, 255, 255); "><i><b>We need to bring players in Newcastle fans love that can get you out of your seat (May 23/11)</b></i></span></span></span></li></ul><div><span class="Apple-style-span" ><b>Possibly the only time he's told the truth - attendances are currently 10,000 down with more set to chuck it in after the lies about bringing a striker in - nice one Al, you really have got bums off seats you clueless cockney cunt!</b></span></div></div></div>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-84092735124274940932011-09-05T20:49:00.001+01:002011-09-05T20:51:55.342+01:00My Old Man's a Club Man.....<strong>The Club Man Chronicles</strong>
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<br />An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club
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<br /><em><strong>Sid</strong></em>
<br />It’s that Mugabe that’s to blame like. Oh Aye, that bugger and his power hungry ways. That’s why we cannit get a cheap pint in here any more. I saw it on the news last neet that the knacker’s driven that many farmers out of business in Zimbabwe that ye cannit get a loaf of bread ower there for less than ten million poond or summat.
<br />So, I was talking to Knocker like, ye kna Knocker man his dad’s an ex-pitman and his mam was a land girl, you dee man he sells them Viagras on a Friday night to the lads with the droop at closing time? Anyways I was talking to him aboot it and he reckons, and this is gospel cos he heard it at Morrisons on Shields Road off that bloke who’s in the TA and he knas a couple of the special squad who’ve been parachuted into Africa a couple of times, he reckons that this means the price of yeast has went right up roond the world and all.
<br />That’s why the brewery has put the price of special up to seventy eight pence, SEVENTY EIGHT Pence you kna, I’m a bloody pensioner me. It’s disgusting it is. I’ll have to turn the heating doon again if I want to keep drinking.
<br />Aye it’s all that Mugabe’s fault the bastard – nee wonder they want him oot
<br />Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-70886652186802576732011-08-16T18:34:00.002+01:002011-08-16T18:43:24.800+01:00Red, Red whine...Alreet,
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<br />How was your weekend then? Still getting over mine to be honest. Went to the Fairport Convention festival at Cropredy on thursday to see UB40 (my brother-in-law is a cousin of the saxophonist-get me eh!) and stayed till Sunday taking in the likes of The Coral, Hayseed Dixie, Seasick Steve and many more. I also took in a boatload of drink and managed to miss Badly Drawn Boy cos I was at a party that featured a covers band that were fucking ace!
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<br />All in all a top weekend. Newcastle even managed to not get beat somehow despite fielding a team of french journeymen, I think we're going to see 'Nil' a lot after the words 'Newcastle United' this season - thanks Mike, hope the £35 million isn't burning too big a hole in your pocket you lying fat cunt.
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<br />My books are going well on the Kindle - not as well as if you'd all got a copy though eh.... (right for the jugular - should be on the apprentice me like!)
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<br />And that's aboot it. Right, where's the aspirins?Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-48351323328226368612011-08-09T18:56:00.003+01:002011-08-09T19:16:42.731+01:00Come Back Around...Alreet kids,
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<br />Yes it's true, you can stop wearing black and whinging about life being shit..I'm back!
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<br />To kick things off on my new / old blog I thought I'd point you in the direction of an interview I did last week with a bloke called 'Ed' who runs <a href="http://www.bykerbooks.co.uk">Byker Books</a> - well I say interview, basically I sat there and got abused by the fucker, still he bought the drinks so nowts the bother!
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<br />Anyway, here it is for your delectation :- <a href="http://http://www.craigrobertdouglas.com/interviews/the-close-to-the-bone-interview-sessions-lewt-meets-andy-n-ed/">Close To The Bone</a>
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<br />Also, I've been informed that my superb, debut novel (big headed? Moi?) <a href="http://http://bykerbooks.co.uk/MSHSales.aspx">Maxwell's Silver Hammer</a> is now available on the Amazon Kindle for only 99p (virtually giving them away man) and that <a href="http://http://bykerbooks.co.uk/Rivelinosales.aspx">I'm Rivelino </a>- my epochal sporting bio - is also about to hit the Kindle's virtual shelves for the same price. two top books for £1.98 - that's ya beach reading sorted, just need to nick some suntan lotion when you're rioting and looting later eh....
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<br />ps - don't worry there'll be plenty of bile aimed at Ashley, Pardew, Llambias, Students, Chris Moyles and every other feckless fucker on this earth in the future!
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<br />Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-6655036187522084742010-09-15T21:05:00.004+01:002010-09-15T21:11:37.042+01:00The Peoples Radgy...Alreet,<br /><br />How's it gannin? <br /><br />Anyway, as you may know I'm a bit of an author and my latest book <a href="http://bykerbooks.co.uk/default.aspx">'Maxwell's Silver Hammer'</a> has been nominated for <a href="http://www.peoplesbookprize.com/section.php?id=6">'The Peoples Book Prize' </a>and I need votes. <br /><br />This is where you come in... <br /><br />If you like me enough to vote for me (and who wouldn't want to help a lovely bloke like me eh...) then click the link and register. They'll send you a password and then you can vote for me (make sure it's me won't you!)<br /><br />Cheers <br /><br /><a href="http://www.peoplesbookprize.com/section.php?id=6"><em><strong>The Peoples Book Prize</strong></em></a>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-45689384984799977922010-08-01T14:10:00.005+01:002010-08-02T18:48:41.983+01:00Cool as Puck...As you know I'm a bit of a working class, council estate type of lad and don't have much time for pretentious shite so the word 'Shakespeare' has tended to make my eyes glaze over in the past - well no more!<br /><br />I went to a production of '<em>A Midsummer Night's Dream</em>' in Oxford yesterday. The setting, in a quadrangle in one of the colleges surrounded by various dreaming spires, was magnificent and I managed to blag a free drink (you can take the lad out of Byker...etc.) both things that would have ensured a good day anyway but they paled into insignificance in comparison with the play itself. Obviously the Olde English text of the play is a bit of a problem but you get what's going on easily enough and the actors were brilliant - funny as fuck. <br /><br />The highlight however was when a scantily clad, nubile young lady playing the part of 'Puck' the mischevious fairy dragged me on stage for what can only be described as a medieval lap dance!! I kid you not, as the audience looked on in amusement I had a young lady in stockings and suspenders draped all over me (see the pic) , followed by a kiss on the cheek and a smack on the arse - did it all really happen or was it just a dream...<br /><br />I've decided now that, despite all of my teachers best efforts at making him dry and inaccessible, Shakespeare's for me.<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rSORbEO3IA8/TFWdG0JxMcI/AAAAAAAAAG0/oHIQvi2Banw/s1600/puck.bmp"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 134px; height: 200px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rSORbEO3IA8/TFWdG0JxMcI/AAAAAAAAAG0/oHIQvi2Banw/s200/puck.bmp" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5500475260307321282" /></a><br /><br /><br />Pucking marvellous!Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-29833074375804755262010-07-30T17:52:00.001+01:002010-07-30T17:55:09.864+01:00First Review of Maxwell's...Alreet spanners,<br /><br />Here's the first review of 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' from the very cool 'For Books Sake' blog - launch pics to follow.<br /><br />Have a good un!<br /><br /><a href="http://forbookssake.net/2010/07/22/review-maxwells-silver-hammer-by-andy-rivers/">FOR BOOK'S SAKE!</a>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com0tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-48944792014868810142010-06-15T10:39:00.003+01:002010-06-15T10:44:46.162+01:00Signing On....Alreet,<br /><br />Just to let you know really that my publisher is offering exclusive, signed (best get a new pen - I've used all the ink in this one!) and discounted copies of my forthcoming cult novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' with FREE postage and packing (UK only like) - all the info is on their site which you can access with one click of your mouse right <strong><a href="http://bykerbooks.co.uk/MSHSales.aspx">HERE.</a></strong><br /><br />Go on man - you know you want to...Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com1tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-20716398818942686972010-05-25T11:20:00.005+01:002010-05-25T11:28:44.633+01:00Oxfam's Silver Hammer...Alreet Kids,<br /><br />My debut crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' is out on July 12th and here's a little look at the cover :-<br /><br /><a href="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rSORbEO3IA8/S_uk_yM7VTI/AAAAAAAAAGs/ysHo-zyrFgk/s1600/msh+cover.jpg"><img style="cursor:pointer; cursor:hand;width: 200px; height: 145px;" src="http://4.bp.blogspot.com/_rSORbEO3IA8/S_uk_yM7VTI/AAAAAAAAAGs/ysHo-zyrFgk/s200/msh+cover.jpg" border="0" alt=""id="BLOGGER_PHOTO_ID_5475151187713676594" /></a><br /><br /><br />Smart eh? It's being published by those radgy chaps at <a href="http://bykerbooks.co.uk/comingsoon.aspx">Byker Books </a>and here's a bit of their blurb as well as a quote from the mighty Danny King :-<br /><br /><em>Andy Rivers has crafted a Machiavellian tale of council estate politicking amongst the sex, drugs, good guys and thugs of the Tyneside underworld. Written in an, almost unique, multiple first person point of view this book will entertain and appall you in equal measure. We think it's a corker to set the ball rolling on our foray into 'Industrial Strength' crime fiction and hope you do too.</em><br /><br /><em>A belter of a book that packs more punches than a Saturday night out on Market Street. Gangsters, guns and gadgies galore, Andy Rivers weaves a cracking plot through the Byker badlands like a Geordie Elmore Leonard and is one of the few writers I know of who can type while wearing boxing gloves. I had two black eyes before I'd finished chapter three. A thumping debut from a barnstorming new talent.<br /><strong>Danny King</strong></em><br /><br />There's a strong possibility I'll be launching the book on July 10th at the new Oxfam Bookshop, Jesmond so I'll let you know the timings of that and you can get down there and do your bit for charity.....and support Oxfam!<br /><br />LaterRivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-8161643945383687172010-04-11T12:47:00.004+01:002010-04-30T11:35:55.575+01:00VOTE FastHands....Right, I've had enough of the lying, weasel faced, corrupt bastards who 'run' this country (by run I mean answer the phone to their masters in Brussels who tell them what to do on any given day) and I'm going to take over myself* - with that in mind I've prepared the first ever Fast Hands Party manifesto.<br /><br /><strong>1. The Economy</strong><br /><br />I shall save billions and pay off the national debt by scrapping the Police Service (remember when they used to be a force? Mind you they gave a toss then) as the only people who actually bother ringing them are burglars who've been caught in someone's house and been given a good hiding. With the money left over I shall introduce a bonus scheme for vigilantes who beat fuck out of scrotes who terrorise old people.<br /><br />I shall also be able to pump millions back into the NHS and pensions through the scrapping of child benefit to anyone who hasn't got a job - if you want to have a kid then you fucking pay for it. End of.<br /><br /><strong>2. The Armed Forces</strong><br /><br />I shall bolster the Armed Forces through my <em>'Cannon Fodder' </em> law - anyone wearing a hoodie and/or jeans that don't cover their fucking arse will be automatically eligible for five years of National Service on the front line of the war against whoever America tells us to fight with this week. There will be no exceptions - particularly in Banbury.<br /><br /><strong>3. Broken Britain</strong><br /><br />Everyone who is a lazy arsed cunt and seeks to live off the backs of others hard earned wages will be automatically jailed until they see the error of their ways. There will be millions of jobs available (through the massive new jail building programme I shall be implementing) and if they don't take one of these jobs then they're getting banged up and no mistake guv. Also, these jails will be proper ones - no playstation, no telly, no fucking a la carte option - you get the picture. And don't go moaning about your human rights cos you don't fucking have any you fat parasite.<br /><br /><strong>4. Europe</strong> <br /><br />Obviously this is a sensitive subject and requires careful thought...right, I've thought about it. There will be a proper referendum on whether we stay in or get out - by proper I don't mean a Labour Party one where you say there'll be a vote and then change your mind when you get into power either. If the country says yes then we stay in and if the country says no then we get out and if Johnny Foreigner has a problem with that then he can tell someone who gives a fuck.<br /><br /><strong>5. Politics</strong><br /><br />As we all know, politicians are bunch of hypocritical, lying, corrupt and greedy scum who are so out of touch with real life that they may as well live on another planet. I will rectify this by passing a law so simple that it's frightening.<br />Under the Fasthands government anyone wishing to become an MP must first serve a five year apprenticeship on a Council Estate. During those five years they must work all manner of menial jobs on shit shifts for pitiful wages. They will also get to experience living next to people who laugh at them as they contribute fuck all to society, spend their days pissed and stoned whilst their music bangs through the paper thin walls and their friends vandalise his/her car. Obviously all of this is paid for out of the taxes they contribute from their aforementioned pitiful wages. For added realism the cunts next door will occasionally break into the prospective mp's flat and steal everything he/she has ever worked for whilst the Police do fuck all about it in case they upset the burglars and make them cry. The mp will be allowed a shotgun and two bullets - this will be known as <em>'the Tony Martin option' </em>and this whole experience might just teach the fuckers a lesson about the eleventh ring of hell they have created in Britain today. <br /><br />So there you have it boys and girls - my manifesto. I know you love it so tell the world. On Election day just cross out everyone else's names and write 'VOTE FASTHANDS' on your slip and I'll see you all at No.10 for tea and biscuits.<br /><br />Oh, one more thing, if any of you wanted to copy this and set up a facebook group, get loads of other people to join and get it on News at Ten...that'd be funny!!<br /><br /><em>* Obviously i'm not you thick bastard - I'm far too fucking lazy, have you just fell off the moon or something?</em>Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-78181223673384645352010-03-31T12:22:00.002+01:002010-03-31T12:33:20.292+01:00Separated At Birth - Part 4<strong>Mike Ashley / Freddy Shepherd</strong><br /><br />Honestly, they could be twins!: -<br /><br />• They both made disastrous, ridiculous and, frankly, criminal managerial appointments in the likes of Joe 'Fuckin' Kinnear and Graeme 'I only like proper players me' Souness.<br /><br />• They both surrounded themselves with absolute clowns who they paid from the supporters money - Douglas Hall, Derek Llambias, Dennis Wise, did I mention Graeme Souness? <br /><br />• They both (to date) have left the club in a worse position in which they found it. <br /><br />• I hate them both<br /><br />• They both forced out Kevin Keegan because he knew more about the club and the city than they did and they were jealous.<br /><br />• They're both obese.<br /><br />• They both use(d) as much spin as possible to keep the fans onside without realising that everyone is a lot more media savvy these days and can see right through them.<br /><br />• They both got caught out treating the fans like mugs - Shepherd via the News of The World (I haven't forgotten fatty!) and Ashley via Keegan's tribunal where he and his regime admitted lying to fans repeatedly.<br /> <br />• They’re both cunts.<br /><br />Lest we forget...Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2tag:blogger.com,1999:blog-8947628966120816130.post-80856063754094653862010-03-17T12:39:00.002+00:002010-03-17T12:42:18.962+00:00That's me that is....Just thought I'd draw your attention to this press release currently winging it's way round the great and good of the country :-<br /><br /><em><strong>Byker Books Make Double Signing of Exciting New Talent</strong><br /><br />Byker Books are delighted to announce the acquisitions of all rights to ‘Dumb Luck’ and ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ two edgy, fierce novels from the pens of rising stars Tom Arnold and Andy Rivers.<br /><br />The pair were signed at the recent launch event for the fourth volume of the cult ‘Radgepacket’ series by the Commissioning Editor for Byker Books. ‘We are very pleased to have captured both of these authors. They have both produced excellent works that stay true to our ethos of grimy, council estate stories and, while they are both crime fiction novels, they are very different in approach. ‘Dumb Luck’ is a high octane, fast paced ride through the London that tourists never see and ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is an almost Machiavellian tale of politics, greed and corruption in Newcastle’s underworld.<br /><br />‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ will be released in July 2010 with ‘Dumb Luck’ to follow in October 2010.<br /><br />Please direct all enquiries to ed@bykerbooks.co.uk</em><br /><br />Now we're fucking talking!!Rivshttp://www.blogger.com/profile/12879158999535514050noreply@blogger.com2