Fast Hands

Brit Grit Too...and a bit of a review...

2012-01-16T15:37:00.000Z

Alreet,

I contributed a story to a charity anthology entitled 'Brit Grit Too' some time ago and then promptly forgot all about it (I'm a busy man ye kna!) Anyway, it's out on the Kindle and it's cheap so have a look.

I was reminded of it recently when someone pointed me to a review of said anthology in which the reviewer said : 'Andy Rivers' superb Geraldine comes immediately to mind. A twisted tale of football fans and murder, told with real sympathy (underneath the macho exterior) and a genuine voice. The narrator honestly feels like somebody I've met and forgotten.'

Here's a link to the full review in case you think I'm talking nonsense.

Canny eh? Now buy my books and see if he's talking shite!! ;-)

Dear Santa...

2011-12-14T21:38:00.000Z

As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-

Mike Ashley - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.
Michael Barrymore - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.
The knobs who run AOL - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.
My Laptop - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.
The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.
Derek Llambias - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.
The Reading Public - news of my books and how to get them...please!
Alan Pardew - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.
Top Models all over the world - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.
The winner of this years X-Factor - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?
Students - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.
Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing - a photoshoot in Syria.

That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? Smashing.
See you next year.

Yours Sincerely,

Fasthands

You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club....

2011-12-04T11:35:00.001Z

Some things are beyond profit and personal gain.
Always and forever.....

More Clubmen.....

2011-11-22T18:41:00.001Z

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club

Knocker

Christmas Time

Santa’s a swine

He didn’t bring

Me bike last time

With logs on the fire

And a bat by the stair

He’s getting knocked out

If I don’t get one this year…

KNOCKER…GET OFF THAT FUCKING MICROPHONE AND TURN THAT CLIFF RICHARD RECORD OFF – THE TURN’S ON IN A MINUTE…

Heh heh heh…

Tapped!

2011-11-10T15:17:00.001Z

You're not going to believe this like but I was ~~robbing~~ cleaning this place in Wapping last night when I found this tape lying about with a label on saying 'Sleazeball and Greedy fat cocksucker 08/11/11' on it. So I played the tape and..well...maybe you should just read the transcript :-

- Mike, Degsy here me ol' china.
- Awright Degs, how's it in the frozen Norf my son. They still 'ate us do they?
-Nah Guv, that's why I'm ringin' innit. They're startin' to fink we're okay.
-Wot? Even though we treated Keegan and Shearer like absolute dogshit, relegated 'em, raped the club of it's best and most saleable assets and generally took the piss out of every single fackin one of 'em?
-Yeah guv, even though we did all that. It's 'cos the gimp has managed to do alright by beating teams like Wigan and Wolves and that. E' even used that phrase abaht 'marking their cards' and they fell for it. By the way you still has to knock a monkey off of his debt for saying that.
-No probs geezah, he'll still owe me enough to keep 'im up there for a long time yet. Tell 'im I'll knock anuvva pony off if he says it again in a weeks time cos I'm finkin' that if the fick Norvern Mankeys is ripe for it then it's time for Plan B my san.
-I was 'oping you'd say that Mike - I've got the statement here now. Listen to this bit 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Pppppfffftttttt...they fink the money will go to the team ha ha ha ha fackin' Geordie mugs!
- I know boss, they've even forgot about the £35mill we squirrelled down our sky rockets. Norveners, thick as fack guvnor, thick as fack.
- Yeah fack it. Do the statement about re-naming the grand on Thursday - tell the gimp to keep his loaf of bread dahn for the time bein' - wot shall we call it then?
- 'Sports Direct Arena' guv, got to be innit? That'll fack them right off wunnit?
- Good call Degsy, good call. That's wot it'll be then. I'm sure they'll say something abaht 'istory and tradition and that but the fick Norven cants need to understand I'm dahn to me last Billion so there's no way I'm only takin' £40 million a year out of their poxy little clab when I can 'ave more.
- It's all abaht the cash boss, nuffink else matters in this life.
- Bang on Degsy, bang on me old son. I've 'ad anuvver idea an' all Degs.
-Wot's 'at gorgeous...I mean boss?
- I'm gunna shit on the staute of that Jocky Miliband they've got up there an' all.
- I fink it's Jackie Milburn my love...I mean guv.
- Wotevva, I'm gunna shit all over it. That'll fackin' learn 'em.
- Stone the crows guv, they'll go mental.
- Nah they won't cos we'll just say I was sponsored by Sports Direct and the money'll go straight to the team and we need it 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Ha ha, you are one diamond geezah Mikey. Let's go and spend some of that £35 mill on hookers in Barbados while them Norven fuckwits bleat and argue amongst themsleves abaht the grand.
- Nice One Degsy - see you at 'Eathrow. Tell the gimp not to say anything while we're gone.
- Right you are Guv. Laters.

So there you go. I mean, obviously, I've got no idea who it is or what there on about - any of you got a clue?

The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .

2011-11-02T16:32:00.000Z

I get a mention in this...fame at last eh? Have a look.

The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .: Those cheeky chappies over at Byker Books - purveyors of top notch Brit Grit, titles including the legendary Radgepacket series - now have ...

Ask an Author...or even ask me....

2011-10-18T16:31:00.000+01:00

I'm currently taking part in a month long 'Ask an Author' session on the 'Close2TheBone' blog - this means that anyone (fucking ANYONE mind!) can ask me a question about the nuts and bolts of being a top author. Fucked if I know why they're asking me cos the closest I've ever been to a top author was that time I threw a plate at the telly when Jeffrey Archer was on...anyway...they asked me so I'm doing it.

Here's the link - why don't you join in?

Fasthands talks shite...again

Right then, must go and practice my lies for when someone asks about groupies...later kids.

Everything is average nowadays - part 11

2011-09-24T12:20:00.000+01:00

Fat Charva pikey neighbours who, after years of behaving like feral teenagers, suddenly decide that, with the onset of their second child to a different bloke, they'll 'nest' culminating in huge gaps in the hedge that protects you from seeing their fat, ugly, spotty, white bread, junk food ravaged faces because the thick cunt she's shacked up with now doesn't have English as his first language and doesn't understand 'stop cutting the roots away you prick'; E-on, the energy supplier, rude customer service and stupid bastards in charge - we're gone you fuckers; Students - wankers; People who moaned about Adam Ant when we went to see him in concert - you know who you are you un-rock n roll huckle; Chris Moyles - just hate the unfunny fat prick; AOL - not only barefaced robbing bastards who promise you one thing and then try to charge you for another before going very quiet when you catch them out they also palm you off with shit routers that only work intermittently before claiming it's your line that's to blame - well it worked fine before I switched routers you bunch of fucking dildo's; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; The Daily Express or as it should be called now The Channel 5 programme guide; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, scum; And Finally...drivers who don't indicate - why? I'm not a mind-reader and you've got your kids in that car. Is it so much effort to flick the stalk on the side of your wheel you incompetent cunt? Is stuffing crisps into your fat face more important than me knowing which exit you're coming off at the roundabout as I put my two tons of killing machine into gear and pull out in your path...tosser!

Right, feel better for that - go and watch the match now - no way I'll get narked with Pardew is charge is there......

Murder? Bollocks man.

2011-09-20T15:39:00.001+01:00

I've just read in the news that a bloke in Manchester has been arrested on suspicion of murder after stabbing an intruder in his home. On further reading I discovered that there were two men in the gentlemans house and that in the ensuing struggle one of them died after being stabbed with his OWN knife.

The police, as is their whole reason for getting up in the morning, nicked the householder as fast as they possibly could - doubtless knocking one out in the squad car on the way back at the thought of ticking two boxes on their target form for the month.

However, what concerns me most is this - if the householder stabbed the intruder with his own knife how can that possibly be construed as murder? I thought murder involved 'malice aforethought' and some form of general planning. Am I worng or did the householder really plan it all in advance? Did he break into the intruders house and plant the knife in his coat pocket next to his balaclava and knuckle duster? Did he send his wife and child to the shops at the exact time he knew they'd be coming in through the window? Did he sit by the door night after night, hoping against hope that someone would break in so he could 'murder' them just like he'd planned to all along.....or are the police in this country just making shit up now....answers on a postcard please to thiscountrysfucked@thankstonyblairyoucunt.com

I can see a liar....

2011-09-13T20:55:00.006+01:00

Since knifing Chris Hughton in the back in order to take his job Alan Pardew has been vocal about everything concerned with Newcastle United. There are those who think he's a bare-faced liar who will say anything to get out of whatever question he's just been asked, those who think he's simply a foolish dupe who has been hired to be Ashley's scapegoat as he's thick as fuck and a tiny minority who think that he's a capable football manager and that spending most of his career in the lower divisions before being sacked by league two Southampton for being shit was ideal preparation for managing the third best supported club in England.

Well, you know me, I'm all about giving people a chance to dig their own graves - so let's examine some of the drivel he's spouted shall we :-

David Beckham is a player who could wear a Newcastle shirt I think. (Jan 06/11)

Aye right.

We have given the answer to anyone who has contacted us that he's not for sale - it's as simple as that, I can't say strongly enough that Andy Carroll will not leave in this window, 100 per cent. (Jan 06/11)

Pants on fire Alan you big fibber.

'Look, this money has to be reinvested in the team. All of it,'" Pardew said. "And he assured me of that. That is the most important message I can give Newcastle fans today. I talked to Mike 15 minutes ago to clarify that and he was pretty clear. The money will be Andy's legacy to the team. (Feb01/11)

Note the word 'TEAM' - not 'Club' or 'training ground' or 'wages for a free transfer who's shit anyway'

"We want to secure Kevin - I certainly do," (May 23/11)
My opinion is that we couldn't give Kevin a five-year contract because, if Kevin isn't playing first-team football, he isn't going to be the leader we want, I'm convinced of that (July 05/11)

Change of mind Al??

there will be another striker coming in. We’re poised to do what we can and I still think we can bring in another two offensive players. (Jul 05/11)

This is after we signed Demba Ba Pardew fans - so yes he was talking shite.

There's fucking loads more but I really can't be arsed spending time on someone who thinks we're as thick as pigshit and believe everything he says - particularly his new 'oh poor me, it's not my fault' act.

so what's the verdict I hear you ask, well here's one more 'cos I think you already know what I think of Ashleys puppet...

We need to bring players in Newcastle fans love that can get you out of your seat (May 23/11)

Possibly the only time he's told the truth - attendances are currently 10,000 down with more set to chuck it in after the lies about bringing a striker in - nice one Al, you really have got bums off seats you clueless cockney cunt!

My Old Man's a Club Man.....

2011-09-05T20:49:00.001+01:00

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club

Sid
It’s that Mugabe that’s to blame like. Oh Aye, that bugger and his power hungry ways. That’s why we cannit get a cheap pint in here any more. I saw it on the news last neet that the knacker’s driven that many farmers out of business in Zimbabwe that ye cannit get a loaf of bread ower there for less than ten million poond or summat.
So, I was talking to Knocker like, ye kna Knocker man his dad’s an ex-pitman and his mam was a land girl, you dee man he sells them Viagras on a Friday night to the lads with the droop at closing time? Anyways I was talking to him aboot it and he reckons, and this is gospel cos he heard it at Morrisons on Shields Road off that bloke who’s in the TA and he knas a couple of the special squad who’ve been parachuted into Africa a couple of times, he reckons that this means the price of yeast has went right up roond the world and all.
That’s why the brewery has put the price of special up to seventy eight pence, SEVENTY EIGHT Pence you kna, I’m a bloody pensioner me. It’s disgusting it is. I’ll have to turn the heating doon again if I want to keep drinking.
Aye it’s all that Mugabe’s fault the bastard – nee wonder they want him oot

Red, Red whine...

2011-08-16T18:34:00.002+01:00

Alreet,

How was your weekend then? Still getting over mine to be honest. Went to the Fairport Convention festival at Cropredy on thursday to see UB40 (my brother-in-law is a cousin of the saxophonist-get me eh!) and stayed till Sunday taking in the likes of The Coral, Hayseed Dixie, Seasick Steve and many more. I also took in a boatload of drink and managed to miss Badly Drawn Boy cos I was at a party that featured a covers band that were fucking ace!

All in all a top weekend. Newcastle even managed to not get beat somehow despite fielding a team of french journeymen, I think we're going to see 'Nil' a lot after the words 'Newcastle United' this season - thanks Mike, hope the £35 million isn't burning too big a hole in your pocket you lying fat cunt.

My books are going well on the Kindle - not as well as if you'd all got a copy though eh.... (right for the jugular - should be on the apprentice me like!)

And that's aboot it. Right, where's the aspirins?

Come Back Around...

2011-08-09T18:56:00.003+01:00

Alreet kids,

Yes it's true, you can stop wearing black and whinging about life being shit..I'm back!

To kick things off on my new / old blog I thought I'd point you in the direction of an interview I did last week with a bloke called 'Ed' who runs Byker Books - well I say interview, basically I sat there and got abused by the fucker, still he bought the drinks so nowts the bother!

Anyway, here it is for your delectation :- Close To The Bone

Also, I've been informed that my superb, debut novel (big headed? Moi?) Maxwell's Silver Hammer is now available on the Amazon Kindle for only 99p (virtually giving them away man) and that I'm Rivelino - my epochal sporting bio - is also about to hit the Kindle's virtual shelves for the same price. two top books for £1.98 - that's ya beach reading sorted, just need to nick some suntan lotion when you're rioting and looting later eh....

ps - don't worry there'll be plenty of bile aimed at Ashley, Pardew, Llambias, Students, Chris Moyles and every other feckless fucker on this earth in the future!

The Peoples Radgy...

2010-09-15T21:05:00.004+01:00

Alreet,

How's it gannin?

Anyway, as you may know I'm a bit of an author and my latest book 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' has been nominated for 'The Peoples Book Prize' and I need votes.

This is where you come in...

If you like me enough to vote for me (and who wouldn't want to help a lovely bloke like me eh...) then click the link and register. They'll send you a password and then you can vote for me (make sure it's me won't you!)

Cheers

The Peoples Book Prize

Cool as Puck...

2010-08-01T14:10:00.005+01:00

As you know I'm a bit of a working class, council estate type of lad and don't have much time for pretentious shite so the word 'Shakespeare' has tended to make my eyes glaze over in the past - well no more!

I went to a production of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' in Oxford yesterday. The setting, in a quadrangle in one of the colleges surrounded by various dreaming spires, was magnificent and I managed to blag a free drink (you can take the lad out of Byker...etc.) both things that would have ensured a good day anyway but they paled into insignificance in comparison with the play itself. Obviously the Olde English text of the play is a bit of a problem but you get what's going on easily enough and the actors were brilliant - funny as fuck.

The highlight however was when a scantily clad, nubile young lady playing the part of 'Puck' the mischevious fairy dragged me on stage for what can only be described as a medieval lap dance!! I kid you not, as the audience looked on in amusement I had a young lady in stockings and suspenders draped all over me (see the pic) , followed by a kiss on the cheek and a smack on the arse - did it all really happen or was it just a dream...

I've decided now that, despite all of my teachers best efforts at making him dry and inaccessible, Shakespeare's for me.

Pucking marvellous!

First Review of Maxwell's...

2010-07-30T17:52:00.001+01:00

Alreet spanners,

Here's the first review of 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' from the very cool 'For Books Sake' blog - launch pics to follow.

Have a good un!

FOR BOOK'S SAKE!

Signing On....

2010-06-15T10:39:00.003+01:00

Alreet,

Just to let you know really that my publisher is offering exclusive, signed (best get a new pen - I've used all the ink in this one!) and discounted copies of my forthcoming cult novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' with FREE postage and packing (UK only like) - all the info is on their site which you can access with one click of your mouse right HERE.

Go on man - you know you want to...

Oxfam's Silver Hammer...

2010-05-25T11:20:00.005+01:00

Alreet Kids,

My debut crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' is out on July 12th and here's a little look at the cover :-

Smart eh? It's being published by those radgy chaps at Byker Books and here's a bit of their blurb as well as a quote from the mighty Danny King :-

Andy Rivers has crafted a Machiavellian tale of council estate politicking amongst the sex, drugs, good guys and thugs of the Tyneside underworld. Written in an, almost unique, multiple first person point of view this book will entertain and appall you in equal measure. We think it's a corker to set the ball rolling on our foray into 'Industrial Strength' crime fiction and hope you do too.

A belter of a book that packs more punches than a Saturday night out on Market Street. Gangsters, guns and gadgies galore, Andy Rivers weaves a cracking plot through the Byker badlands like a Geordie Elmore Leonard and is one of the few writers I know of who can type while wearing boxing gloves. I had two black eyes before I'd finished chapter three. A thumping debut from a barnstorming new talent.
Danny King

There's a strong possibility I'll be launching the book on July 10th at the new Oxfam Bookshop, Jesmond so I'll let you know the timings of that and you can get down there and do your bit for charity.....and support Oxfam!

Later

VOTE FastHands....

2010-04-11T12:47:00.004+01:00

Right, I've had enough of the lying, weasel faced, corrupt bastards who 'run' this country (by run I mean answer the phone to their masters in Brussels who tell them what to do on any given day) and I'm going to take over myself* - with that in mind I've prepared the first ever Fast Hands Party manifesto.

1. The Economy

I shall save billions and pay off the national debt by scrapping the Police Service (remember when they used to be a force? Mind you they gave a toss then) as the only people who actually bother ringing them are burglars who've been caught in someone's house and been given a good hiding. With the money left over I shall introduce a bonus scheme for vigilantes who beat fuck out of scrotes who terrorise old people.

I shall also be able to pump millions back into the NHS and pensions through the scrapping of child benefit to anyone who hasn't got a job - if you want to have a kid then you fucking pay for it. End of.

2. The Armed Forces

I shall bolster the Armed Forces through my 'Cannon Fodder' law - anyone wearing a hoodie and/or jeans that don't cover their fucking arse will be automatically eligible for five years of National Service on the front line of the war against whoever America tells us to fight with this week. There will be no exceptions - particularly in Banbury.

3. Broken Britain

Everyone who is a lazy arsed cunt and seeks to live off the backs of others hard earned wages will be automatically jailed until they see the error of their ways. There will be millions of jobs available (through the massive new jail building programme I shall be implementing) and if they don't take one of these jobs then they're getting banged up and no mistake guv. Also, these jails will be proper ones - no playstation, no telly, no fucking a la carte option - you get the picture. And don't go moaning about your human rights cos you don't fucking have any you fat parasite.

4. Europe

Obviously this is a sensitive subject and requires careful thought...right, I've thought about it. There will be a proper referendum on whether we stay in or get out - by proper I don't mean a Labour Party one where you say there'll be a vote and then change your mind when you get into power either. If the country says yes then we stay in and if the country says no then we get out and if Johnny Foreigner has a problem with that then he can tell someone who gives a fuck.

5. Politics

As we all know, politicians are bunch of hypocritical, lying, corrupt and greedy scum who are so out of touch with real life that they may as well live on another planet. I will rectify this by passing a law so simple that it's frightening.
Under the Fasthands government anyone wishing to become an MP must first serve a five year apprenticeship on a Council Estate. During those five years they must work all manner of menial jobs on shit shifts for pitiful wages. They will also get to experience living next to people who laugh at them as they contribute fuck all to society, spend their days pissed and stoned whilst their music bangs through the paper thin walls and their friends vandalise his/her car. Obviously all of this is paid for out of the taxes they contribute from their aforementioned pitiful wages. For added realism the cunts next door will occasionally break into the prospective mp's flat and steal everything he/she has ever worked for whilst the Police do fuck all about it in case they upset the burglars and make them cry. The mp will be allowed a shotgun and two bullets - this will be known as 'the Tony Martin option' and this whole experience might just teach the fuckers a lesson about the eleventh ring of hell they have created in Britain today.

So there you have it boys and girls - my manifesto. I know you love it so tell the world. On Election day just cross out everyone else's names and write 'VOTE FASTHANDS' on your slip and I'll see you all at No.10 for tea and biscuits.

Oh, one more thing, if any of you wanted to copy this and set up a facebook group, get loads of other people to join and get it on News at Ten...that'd be funny!!

* Obviously i'm not you thick bastard - I'm far too fucking lazy, have you just fell off the moon or something?

Separated At Birth - Part 4

2010-03-31T12:22:00.002+01:00

Mike Ashley / Freddy Shepherd

Honestly, they could be twins!: -

• They both made disastrous, ridiculous and, frankly, criminal managerial appointments in the likes of Joe 'Fuckin' Kinnear and Graeme 'I only like proper players me' Souness.

• They both surrounded themselves with absolute clowns who they paid from the supporters money - Douglas Hall, Derek Llambias, Dennis Wise, did I mention Graeme Souness?

• They both (to date) have left the club in a worse position in which they found it.

• I hate them both

• They both forced out Kevin Keegan because he knew more about the club and the city than they did and they were jealous.

• They're both obese.

• They both use(d) as much spin as possible to keep the fans onside without realising that everyone is a lot more media savvy these days and can see right through them.

• They both got caught out treating the fans like mugs - Shepherd via the News of The World (I haven't forgotten fatty!) and Ashley via Keegan's tribunal where he and his regime admitted lying to fans repeatedly.

• They’re both cunts.

Lest we forget...

That's me that is....

2010-03-17T12:39:00.002Z

Just thought I'd draw your attention to this press release currently winging it's way round the great and good of the country :-

Byker Books Make Double Signing of Exciting New Talent

Byker Books are delighted to announce the acquisitions of all rights to ‘Dumb Luck’ and ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ two edgy, fierce novels from the pens of rising stars Tom Arnold and Andy Rivers.

The pair were signed at the recent launch event for the fourth volume of the cult ‘Radgepacket’ series by the Commissioning Editor for Byker Books. ‘We are very pleased to have captured both of these authors. They have both produced excellent works that stay true to our ethos of grimy, council estate stories and, while they are both crime fiction novels, they are very different in approach. ‘Dumb Luck’ is a high octane, fast paced ride through the London that tourists never see and ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is an almost Machiavellian tale of politics, greed and corruption in Newcastle’s underworld.

‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ will be released in July 2010 with ‘Dumb Luck’ to follow in October 2010.

Please direct all enquiries to ed@bykerbooks.co.uk

Now we're fucking talking!!

Radgeness Abounds...

2010-03-11T08:30:00.003Z

Alreet,

It's been a while I know. This has been partly down to laziness, partly down to busyness but mainly down to being blocked out of my account by Blogger...cheers like you plums!!

Anyway, I went to a funeral yesterday, I won't go into the whys and wherefores you just need to know this - it was an Irish one...and my head is fucked!

Therefore there will be no spleen venting, anecdote recalling or general banter today, just a reminder that Radgepacket Four is being launched at the weekend in the toon (see below) and I'll be there. Pop along for a natter if you want.

Oh, and bring ya wallet!

Later

Gannin Radge again...

2010-01-30T15:23:00.003Z

Alreet,

I've managed to blag my way into another edition of the mighty 'Radgepacket' series. Volume Four will apparently have over twenty stories in it and feature the likes of Ray Banks and Danny King all for the canny low price of only £5.99 - bargain!

Byker Books are having a launch event for the book at 'The Back Page' in Newcastle on 13th March at 15:00ish where I'm reliably informed there'll be booze (that's me in like!) and some good banter - get yourself along man!

Oh, and this is what the cover's going to look like by all accounts :-

Looks good to me - see you there.

Why we will all die in the first snow storm after 2035...

2010-01-15T11:22:00.004Z

No 10 Downing Street in the year of our Lord 2035. The minister for spin and blatant lie telling is anxiously pacing up and down the PM's office whilst his aide looks worriedly on

Minister for being a lying horrible bastard: Where's the bloody PM? The country's come to a standstill with this snow. There's no shops open, the police have all rang in sick, the power stations are failing and there's no industry at all going on...in fact the muggers, rapists and burglars are the only fuckers doing any work!

Aide: Calm down Mr. Mandelson, it's not that bad...

Mandelson: Not that bad! The Chinese are ready to invade because the fucking Army are saying they can't get to work in the snow and The Navy are all off frigging sledging. Not that bad...Jesus, where is he?

Aide: He's playing on his Nintendo.

Mandelson: WHAT!

Aide: Well it is a snow day sir.

Mandelson: What the fucking fuck is a fucking snow day you fucker?

Aide: We were all taught at school in 2010 that if it snowed a little bit or things got difficult then you had to give up and stay at home....in fact weren't you part of the government that encouraged that?

The Dark Lord: Bugger.

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

2009-12-13T15:19:00.004Z

Chris Moyles - Unfunny fat prick who tried to 'wittily' mock Terry Wogan at a recent 'do' only to find that, as ever, when he hasn't got a script and a bunch of chortling sycophants his 'banter' is seen for the plain humourless rudeness that it really is...oh and Wogan wipes the floor with your listening figures you fucking obese knobjockey so fuck off; Boilers that cease to work properly in winter despite you only having them for five poxy years - moral of story, never, ever buy a Potterton boiler as they're shit and the company don't want to know; Spammers who try to flood your blog with adverts for Viagra, hoo man we're all proper blokes on here and we can all get hard ons without assistance, find a mackem site and they'll welcome you with open arms; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; Sozzled charvas complete with requisite 'leisure wear' and gold sitting behind you at premier boxing events - wankers; People who mob supermarkets, walk slowly, stop without warning, hit you with their trolleys and try to buy everything they can see just cos it's Christmas - IT ONLY CLOSES FOR ONE FUCKING DAY YOU BUNCH OF SHEEP; Their fat, ungrateful offspring who whine on and on whilst blocking your way to the booze - just shut up and move out of my way you X Factor fodder; Students, no reason just fucking hate them; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, absolute scum of the earth - no explanantion needed; And Finally...Jordan AKA Katie Price AKA spiritual leader of Britain's charva classes ...look love, you're not pretty, all that plastic isn't sexy and you come across like the most horrible woman in the world do yourself, and more importantly your kids (remember them eh?) a favour and put some clothes on, cease ya whining and stop behaving like an out of control slag... then give Kerry Katona a ring to arrange some etiquette lessons you monstrous fucking shrieking harridan!

Ah that's better, spleen vented and calm returning.

That's it from me for 2009 kids. I hope you all have a good Christmas and a prosperous 2010.

Cheers

Oooh Byker, Byker, Ooooh Byker, Byker BOOKS!

2009-11-26T07:55:00.003Z

Good News!

My crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' will be published by Byker Books next summer - a release date of July has been tentatively mooted.

This will put me shoulder to shoulder on their list with Danny King whose comic crime book 'More Burglar Diaries' they recently launched. You can buy it here at a discounted price incidentally:-

.....Just in time for Christmas eh!

Right then I'm off to practice being an A list celeb. Later.

IF...by Geordie Kipling

2009-11-10T13:42:00.002Z

I found this on the Newcastle United Supporters Trust website - it's brilliant!

IF you can keep your name when other clubs
Are losing theirs and blaming it on the latest coup,
If you can trust yourself when Ashley betrays you,
But make allowance for his betrayal too;
If you can wait for him to go and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied to, don't believe his lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating him,
And yet don't like, nor talk of Dennis Wise:

If you can dream of promotion - and not make it your master;
If you can drink brown ale - and not make fighting your aim;
If you can meet with Ashley and Llambias - what a disaster
And treat those two impostors with great shame;
If you can hear the Gallowgate sing - then they have spoken
Their bitter memories of McKeag, Gullit and Cort,
If you can watch the team we give our lives to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up again with undying support:

If we can make one heap of all our winnings
And risk it on last seasons’ utter dross,
Relegation a chance to start again at our beginnings
And never breathe a word about our loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after Ashley has gone,
And so hold on lads ‘n’ lasses when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can play Scunthorpe or Swansea and keep your virtue,
Or play with Man U or Chelsea and not lose the common touch,
If neither mackems nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the pitch with determination and grit
With ninety minutes' worth of distance run,
Yours is (and always will be) St James’ Park and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Geordie, my son!

By Geordie Kipling - exceedingly good kebabs

You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club.

2009-10-28T11:07:00.004Z

Mike 'The Proven Liar' Ashley has now declared he is going to take Newcastle Utd off the market as 'no-one has met the £80m asking price'. Call me pedantic BUT that's the same price Birmingham City went for in about two minutes, Everton are asking for £300m and even shitholes like Sunderland have changed hands for that sort of money recently. Now consider our position, we're top of a very average league with a squad made up of cast offs and youth team players, we're getting bigger crowds than Chelsea do in the champions league and Liverpool did against Man Utd and the fat liar reckons he can't sell the club for £80million! No-one believes you anymore Mike you dishonest, corrupt, obese parcel of shite. There was never any intention to sell the club just the usual stringing along of supporters to hide the lack of inward action for the third transfer window in a row.

As well as taking the club 'off the market' (like it was ever fucking on you fat wanker) he has appointed Chris Hughton as permanent manager - the same Chris Hughton who was in charge for a lot of our premiership demise last year and won one game, mind you he says 'yes' a lot and Mike the Liar likes that hence Joe Kinnear's employment.

Oh and apparently he's going to 'pump £20 million in this week' - pump it into what? We haven't made a net spend on any players for two years, in fact Mike the Liar has put a considerable few quid in his back pocket as a result of decimating our team and getting us relegated. We must be covering the wages as we're on telly every fucking week and are getting crowds in excess of most premiership clubs - so where's this £20 million being 'pumped' into then? Is it your tab at Greggs you fat cunt?

However, none of this is what's pissing me off today. No, it's the statement they sneaked in on the back end of the the announcements that has riled me beyond belief 'exploring maximum revenue streams including naming rights for the stadium'. Basically, he's going to change the name of St James Park for a few quid - we'll be called the Tesco Stadium or something because he's a childish, spiteful, evil, lying, prick.

One hundred and twenty years of tradition will be swept away in an instant at one of English footballs great clubs because a fat narcissist from Buckinghamshire is in a huff about being shown up to be a truly inept buffoon. Will the FA step in with their 'fit and proper persons test'? Will the national media do anything about it? Don't hold your breath.

Rumour has it that Ashley was close to attack when we lost at Scunthorpe the other night and stewards had to protect him. Well if he changes the name of our ground he might just have to get used to that.

Joined up government?

2009-10-15T19:13:00.003+01:00

Does anything actually work like it's supposed to in this country?

The Transport System. You can't drive anywhere without half the roads being closed or full of traffic cones that cause tailbacks and make you slow to a crawl so workers that aren't actually there are protected...and don't get me started on the fucking abortion that is the train service.

The child protection mob - whatever they're called. They aren't fit for purpose whichever way you look at it as every day brings another story of some poor little sod being abused in one way or another and another head of whichever department for pointless jobs hanging on for the payoff without even apologising.

The DSS. Apparently there's ELEVEN BILLION (that's eleven thousand million!) pounds spent every year from the public purse on disability benefits but the government are actually aware that 75% of them are faking it - that's about 8 Billion quid's worth! - they've just chosen to ignore it for the last decade...mind you there's an election coming up isn't there so doubtless they'll soon start talking a good game. Having said that, try paying many thousands of pounds into the system over the years through a series of well paid jobs and then get some back when you're made redundant through no fault of your own - persona non grata then ... bitter? Moi?

Democracy. In every other country it works like this :- you vote for who you want in charge and whoever gets the most votes then gets to rip off the most money until the next election. In this half arsed place we've went for the Zimbabwe option - no-one voted for the fucking gimp in charge (Brown or Mandelson, take your pick) but he's still taxing us to the hilt and giving what little spare we've got left to his euro mates.

The Armed Forces. Not a dig at them more the fucking donkeys who control them. If you take the decision to go to war and endanger the lives of thousand of brave men and women then you do it properly. You give them the best kit, the most firepower and excellent planning. Any of that happened for our boys and girls? Has it fuck. Do the politicians care? Do they fuck.

The Royal Mail. They can just fuck off the whingeing, soon to be closed down and out of a job because they're so greedy bunch of knobs.

Right, my spleen feels pretty much vented, I'm having a cup of tea.

Later.

I'm a bit narked me like...

2009-09-22T13:14:00.003+01:00

Alreet kids,

I've just been reading a lot of the reporting on Wor Bobby Robsons memorial yesterday and have to say that I find it a little hypocritical of the various media types,and especially their editors, to be talking about the man in such glowing terms.

They seem to forget that when he was Newcastle manager they mocked him for basically being over 65. They took the piss at every possible opportunity because he couldn't remember names and they got themselves all in a moral frenzy every time a Newcastle player did something wrong and implied it was down to Bobby 'losing the dressing room' - don't recall them saying owt like that when Gerrard lamped that bloke three times on cctv recently mind, must depend which club you're at eh?

When the fat leech that ran/milked our club at the time of Bobby's sacking publicly humiliated and shafted him, his equally odious mate Douglas Hall came out with 'Robson was taking us down' and the majority of the Southern based national media nodded their heads in sage acquisence.

Looking back further, the editors of these self same Southern based national newspapers crucified Robson when he was England manager, despite him being the second best national manager ever, usually for the crime of never having managed West Ham or Tottenham.

So, to see the thousands of words written yesterday idolising the man they once villified just sums up the state of this nations media and sadly, the people it's aimed at, the junk food, instant fix, 'reality tv' brigade.

Hypocritical, dishonest and idiotic - both the media and the tabloid fodder it serves.

Fuck them all.

Ps - Mike Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend yesterday - more classy behaviour from the fat cockney pikey that has wrecked a once great English Football Club. You might not have read about that like as Newcastle is a long way from Fleet Street and Wapping.

Life On Mars?

2009-09-13T22:20:00.003+01:00

My Name is Fast Hands. I've been on holiday. When I came back I was in 1947 and Dame Vera Lynn was No.1. Am I in a coma or just going mad? Now I know I have to get back to 2009 with it's ineffectual police, amoral politicians and Chris fucking Moyles.

Actually, bollocks to that, think I'll stay here. Altogether now:-

We'll meet again...

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

2009-08-28T15:11:00.002+01:00

Whichever senior politician made the scottish bloke release the Lockerbie bomber in exchange for an oil deal further down line - amoral scum; The yanks who are getting all twisty faced about it when they funded various terror groups for years causing the deaths of hundreds of innocents - not such a fucking laugh now boys is it; Mike Ashley - no explanation needed but I hope he manages to impale himself on something rusty sometime soon; Being fucked about by firms who virtually promise you jobs then, after you've had two interviews and they've creamed themselves over you, bring someone else in at the death and tell you to fuck off - cunts; Students; Unbelievably thick plebs in little Oxfordshire towns who'll find out where you're from and proceed to aggressively slag off the North in the name of humour before proudly telling you they support Man Utd and then can't understand it when you piss yourself laughing at them; People who haven't yet bought a copy of the finest football book ever written, 'I'm Rivelino' HINT HINT; Chris Moyles (bet you thought I'd forgot!); Neighbours that have got apple trees that fire their fruit all over your new patio; People who loudly proclaim that they only drink one brand of lager and all the rest is just piss - fuck off they're all basically the same you pretentious twat; My coffee table - I've just walked into it and I think I've broken my leg.....

Fuckin hell...

All signed out...for now.

2009-08-10T17:48:00.006+01:00

Alreet Kids,

Well Mike Ashley's still on a mission to destroy one of English Football's grandest old clubs criminally aided by the national media who would have started massive front page campaigns to hang him and llambias by now if we were a London club.

However...I can't be arsed to talk about that fat homosexual today (just my opinion like...) instead I've got some pics for you of my recent book signing sessions at Borders in Wallsend and Team Valley. Also a bit of news, I'll be doing another signing session of my book 'I'm Rivelino' or 'The Working Class Fever Pitch' as it's becoming known, at 'The Back Page' in Newcastle on Wednesday 19th August from 16:00 to about 17:30 before I head up to the BBC studios to appear on Radio Newcastle's new sports show with Steve Howey. After that I'll be gannin to the match against Sheff Wed and shouting abuse at a certain porcine buffoon with a penchant for fresh faced young cockneys.....well how else could you explain Dennis wise's employment, it's not like the fucker contributed to the football side of things was it?

Anyway, hope you like the pics - Later.

Signing On....

2009-07-27T17:06:00.004+01:00

Alreet,

Been a while like I know but I've had some stuff gannin on which has left me a bit discombobulated (my favourite word!).

The main ones being that I'm about to be made redundant and have been placed on 'Garden Leave' meaning I'm out of the way and can't nick owt whilst they pretend to decide whether to make me redundant when in actual fact the decision was made fucking weeks ago!

The other thing gannin on is obviously, my award winng book* 'I'm Rivelino', which I shall be signing at two (that's TWO) Borders stores this weekend.

Borders Wallsend (Silverlink)

Borders Team Valley

These links are the events pages for the stores and if you scroll down them it should have my 'appearance' times...get me eh!

Anyway, I'm off to the job centre - might see you Saturday?

* I'm Rivelino - Best book written by a Byker lad this week...

I'm Rivelino.....No I'm Rivelino.......

2009-06-30T13:35:00.003+01:00

Alreet,

I'm more than alreet - I'm fucking buzzing man!

My first ever full length published work is now available for Pre-Ordering on Amazon ahead of it's launch on August 1st. 'I'm Rivelino - A Life of Two Halves' will be available from Borders, The Back Page and all online retailers for the criminally cheap price of £6.99 AND I'll be marking the emergence of my seminal (ahem) work with a signing session at Borders Wallsend (on the Silverlink) at 12.30 on August 1st and 15.00 at Borders Team Valley on the same day.

It's all going on!

Here's a link to Amazon and some blurb about the book :-

Pre-Order on Amazon

Testimonials

‘Andy Rivers has told an entertaining tale about following your' club through thick and thin. I'm sure you'll enjoy it whichever team you support.’

Lee Clark (Ex-Newcastle United)

‘One is a Brazilian Footballing Legend. The other went to school in Walker and grew up in Byker so knows the crack and scribbles a lot better than he dribbles. A mint read.’

Mick Edmondson (DJ Mad Mick)

Blurb

‘When you consider them in a football sense you think of 'little Rotherham playing Newcastle? Oh the romance of the cup.’ Well all I could see was fifteen stone, pie eating nutters covered in tattoos and no matter how much aftershave they'd slapped on there'd be no f**king romance going on there I can tell you...!’

Thanks to a family member taking him to his first match in the early seventies whilst he was at a young and impressionable age Andy Rivers discovered Newcastle United. Given the stress and despair this has caused him over the last thirty years it's fair to assume that this action would be considered child abuse today. His story, peppered with terrace wit and rough charm, will be identified with by supporters everywhere.

About The Author

Andy Rivers has been a Butlins Barman, pretend chippie on a Spanish construction site, coach holiday rep, mobile sandwich salesman and outdoor traffic cone washer to name but a few of his eclectic 'career' choices. Interesting as these jobs were, none of them will ever match standing drunkenly on a rain soaked terrace in a t-shirt whilst your team is battered four nil at home...and if you understand the logic of that then you definitely should buy this book!

It's Radgy time....

2009-06-22T12:28:00.002+01:00

Just thought I’d make you all aware that the lads and lasses at Byker Books have brought out another corking collection of stories for your delectation:-

Radgepacket – Tales From The Inner Cities Volume Three

The eagerly awaited third volume in the ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ series will be launched onto an unsuspecting world on July 11th. Radgepacket Three continues the Byker Books quest to bring you the best in ‘unsigned and unhinged’ British talent as well as the more established names. We’ve got stories of giant rats, vigilantes, teenage car thieves and bent politicians as well as many more. If you like blood and guts, sex and drugs or gangsters and thugs then there’s something in here for you.

Come on…GET RADGE!

Available from selected Borders stores, Amazon and other online bookshops and www.bykerbooks.co.uk

I’m not in it – they really can’t afford me these days – but I think it’s still worth £5.99 of anyone’s beer tokens – go on man you know you want to…actually, here’s the Amazon link as well, could I make it any easier????

Radge3

State of the Police....

2009-06-16T12:50:00.002+01:00

Did you see them coppers on the news last night. For those who didn’t I’ll set the scene.

There’s a bloke on the floor who has been ‘tazered’ with two coppers holding him down. Two more coppers then arrive and proceed to also hold the bloke down – despite the fact he’s barely moving anyway. Copper number one then shouts ‘get off him’ and tazers the bloke again while he’s still on the floor they all then hold him down again before one of the other coppers, an undoubted hard man who hides behind his badge, then punches the bloke in the head three times before they haul him off.
Apparently the bloke had ‘assaulted a police officer’ so it was okay for them to beat him up.

Now ask yourself this question – if the bloke had broke into your house and assaulted your wife before you and three of your mates got hold of him, electrocuted him twice and then smacked him in the head – who do you think would have been arrested?

Answers to thiscountry’sfucked@Onelawforthemanotherforus.co.uk

Sold his soul...

2009-06-07T13:10:00.002+01:00

Geordie? He might have slept with a Geordie once but that's about as close as he's ever been the fat, plastic manc, smash nosed, mercenary, dishonourable, Judas.

That is all.

Oh...man....!

2009-06-03T12:23:00.003+01:00

Well, that’s that then! Frankly, I’m glad this abortive season is all over and, even though we got relegated I’m just relieved it’s all finished.I’ve got to ask the question though – how on earth did Mike Ashley make all that money when he is blatantly as thick as fuck?

What kind of idiot backs Dennis Wise over Kevin Keegan IN NEWCASTLE?

What kind of stupid, fat, clueless cunt even contemplates Joe ‘me heart’s fucked and I haven’t been a manager since relegating Forest about ten years ago’ Kinnear as the manager of a team in freefall?

What kind of imbelic, brain dead, makem like, fucking pleb then doesn’t replace the aforementioned Mr. Kinnear and instead lets the team and club and city slide to it’s doom before bringing in someone professional once it’s too fucking late?

I’ll tell you what kind – the same kind of obese moron that then decides to sell the club and put it in managerless limbo just as everyone else is preparing for next season thus condemning us to another season of fucking about, playing catch up and getting nowhere.

Anyway, apparently the Sultan of Oman is sniffing around so let’s hope he comes up with the shekels sharpish and we can fuck the fat doylum off quickly and get back to being a football club again instead of a spoilt rich boy’s plaything.

Speaking of spoilt rich boys I was a bit surprised at the Villa fans being so jubilant at sending us down like – I realise that the media have managed to turn us into football lepers as far as the rest of the country is concerned but they were properly, eye bulgingly, face contortedly, screamingly, about to burst a fuse, desperate to send us down and I can’t for the life of me remember what we’ve ever done to them?

Every Villa fan I spoke to before and after the match (and there was a canny few – I’ll talk to anyone me, I mean I’m even talking to you now aren’t I…) didn’t want us to go down – so where did the 30,000 who did come from?

Anyway, they’re on my list now (it’s getting long my list) and, as we all know, football is cyclical and what goes around comes around. Twenty years ago Man Utd were a mid-table team with a barely known Scottish manager who most of their fans wanted sacked. So there’ll come a time when we can do them a bad turn and when that happens I’ll be there laughing my head off at them. Well that’s if any of the fickle fuckers turn up. These are the same fans who were booing Martin O’ Neill and their team off the pitch a few games ago – in fact if there’s any justice in the world at all then their chairman – the admirable Mr Lerner and Ashley will swap clubs – now that’d be funny!

Guy Fawkes was right, politicians are shite.

2009-05-19T08:24:00.001+01:00

So they’ve finally been caught with their greedy, grasping fingers in the till eh? Brilliant.

Predictably; ‘It’s only a minority’, ‘it’s all within the rules and therefore it’s the rules that are to blame not us’, ’it’s all the papers’ fault for reporting it, not ours for stealing the cash in the first place’ and my own personal favourite, ‘it’s okay, I’m paying back the money I stole so you can all move on – nothing to see here officer.’

Imagine this scenario:-

You come home and find a burglar in your house so you take a lump of wood to his head and call the bizzies. When they turn up two weeks later, (having been unavoidably detained at a focus group seminar on the rights of one legged, eastern european, dwarf, single mother lesbians with learning difficulties) and try to nick you for defending yourself, the burglar then pipes up…

‘Actually officer, I wasn’t nicking anything anyway cos I’m going to repay all the cash I took, so technically no crime was committed and therefore this man has just assaulted me for no reason….’

Sounds daft but that’s the precedent that’s being set by the wankers that ‘run’ this country (and haven’t they made a good job of it…) – as far as I’m aware you can’t have different sets of rules in law. So if these horrible arseholes get away with stealing our taxes – at a time when the country’s nearly bankrupt anyway – then theoretically it’s open season and no-one will go to jail ever again.

What do you mean no-one does anyway? God you’re so cynical…..

Harriet...fuck off Man.

2009-05-07T08:27:00.000+01:00

Alreet,

Been a bit of while hasn’t it – sorry about that but they’ve decided at work that they’d like me to actually earn the pittance they give me every month so I’ve been driving a lorry up and down the A5 a lot recently.

Anyway, nowt’s changed really. My blockbusting, warts and all, tongue in cheek, look at the life of a football supporter ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is still coming out in August and if you’re good I’ll give you a mention when I’m on Jonathan Ross.

I went to see ‘The Specials’ in Birmingham a few weeks back and had a great time, ending up in Wolverhampton at my favourite club in all the world. The next day was a tad challenging though. Remember on the news a while back about a bloke who was handcuffed to a car steering wheel and the car was filled with gas bottles? Well the car was on the track south of Birmingham New Street train station and I was in there…trying to get my train home…which is south of the station….Bugger!

I’ve noticed also that Labour minister Harriet Harman is pushing a bill through Parliament that will make it legal to discriminate against white men! That’s the Labour party that was formed purely to protect the working classes, which at the time of it’s inception, was mainly white men – still they’ve had our money now though haven’t they.

I think someone ought to point out to her that the last fucker to try this shite was a shortarse Austrian who thought he could get away with demonising a certain section of the community back in the 1930’s …and look what happened to him…..

Politicians – all scum.

Later

Writing News...and fuck off Chris Moyles!

2009-04-24T12:06:00.000+01:00

Morning,

Two good things happened last week.

The first involves reports that the fat, unfunny, man Chris Moyles will be losing his job sometime soon – obviously this was instantly and furiously denied by everyone but there’s no smoke without fire I feel that everyone protesteth too much – don’t let the door smack you on your ample arse on the way out knobhead.

And secondly, Some of you may recall that I mentioned writing a play some time ago and I posted bits of it on here. You may also recall that I was sending it to the Live Theatre in Newcastle for critique and that I promised to tell you what happened – well, I’m finally in a position to let you see an abridged version of the feeback I received :-

OVERVIEW
This is a short play about childhood loves and adult ambitions. It is also about lost youth and betrayal. Four school friends, now grown up, realise that their childhood sweethearts are no longer what they need or want.

CONCEPT
DAVEY and JO have been together since schooldays as have NICK and RONI. JO and NICK’s lives have moved on so that they no longer want to be associated with their old loves. By moving up the career ladder they assume their less successful friends are not good for them either personally or for their careers. The drama begins when JO finishes her relationship with DAVEY after a disastrous night out. NICK too decides that RONI is no good for him and ends their relationship. Rejected pair, DAVEY and RONI have much in common including low ambition and sense of humour. Flung together RONI and DAVEY inevitably become a couple but more unexpectedly RONI becomes pregnant with DAVEY’s child and they decide they will stay together and look forward to the birth of their child. With the tables turned, NICK and RONI find out that by rejecting their friends they have rejected what they most wanted in life, family and security. In this ensemble piece there are strong themes of: loyalty; betrayal; ambition and growing up. Ambition and status are the demons fuelling NICK and JO whilst DAVEY and RONI, accepting that they will never be good enough, are happy to settle for being underachievers, becoming the settled family unit that all four friends had hoped to have.

LANGUAGE
The four characters have known each other for a long time and this comes across in the dialogue. The strongest dialogue is in the monologues. Here the characters’ voices are very clear and we get a real sense of who they are.

THEATRICALITY
The scenes are cleverly thought out to avoid a great deal of set changes. Each character delivering monologues to the audience allows for more character development as well as making the play more interesting to watch.

RECOMMENDATIONS
At the moment this reads as an ensemble piece but not every character is equally developed within the narrative. For example, JO begins the play wanting commitment and possibly children and realises she is unlikely to get that if she stays with DAVEY. At the end of the play when RONI discloses her pregnancy with DAVEY who turns out to be supportive and committed, JO congratulates them and leaves. Presumably, JO has very strong feelings about what she has just heard but we don’t get to hear her point of view.
The monologues work well and add another dimension to the characters.

In some of the dialogue there is a tendency to write directions for the actors e.g. pleadingly, sarcastically. It might be worth taking these directions out to check whether the dialogue reflects these directions. Using subtext would strengthen the dialogue. For example, while it is clear what NICK and JO have given up by leaving their respective partners it is not clear how RONI and DAVEY really feel about being flung together by circumstance. There must be some tension between them as we know they were attracted for many years to complete opposites. From her monologue, we know RONI knows that DAVEY went out with JO for a bet. It is possible that she has doubts about his commitment to her.

So, it took a while but I think it was worth it – I’ve got a couple of useful pointers with where to take it now and once I’ve developed it further I’m gonna wing it to the BBC so they can stick it in their ‘Northern’ box.

Toodle pip.

Chasing Cars...and other shite.

2009-04-15T12:49:00.000+01:00

Alreet kids, how’s it gannin?

Not much going on this week really. I’ve been working on my latest novel ‘Chasing Cars’ and as a special treat if you click on the link below you ‘ll see the prologue…well, until I re-write it anyway!

Chasing Cars

The toon got their first point under Big Al against Stoke. Dire match like but Carroll made all the difference when he came on I thought- we started winning headers and everything.

I’ve been thinking about fate a lot recently as well – it bothers me that my life might have been pre-determined before I was even born. It would explain some stuff but would also nark me beyond belief cos that would mean that every decision I ever made meant nowt doesn’t it? I could have just sat on my fat, Geordie arse and let it all happen without lifting a finger – seems to work for most of the tabloid fodder in this country anyway – and got to where I am now without breaking sweat.

So with that in mind I tried selling me soul to the devil but the fucker wasn’t interested - turns out I haven’t got one…..

Aye, I’m bored…..

Mick Dennis...get a fucking grip son!

2009-04-09T12:06:00.001+01:00

I was reading The Express on Wednesday, not a bad paper – they have the usual histrionics about whatever’s in vogue at the minute but they’re usually fairly even handed about things.

Not so Mr. Dennis – he has a weekly column which is mainly football based but sometimes takes in other sports and he tends to use this column to slate, abuse, mock and generally vent his spleen at….Geordies.

Mr Dennis or ‘the ugly fucking mong from East Anglia’ as he’s affectionately known in our house slags us off at every given opportunity and tends to use generalisations such as ‘The Toon Army tell us that…’ because of course he’s met every Newcastle fan…and they all think the same thing...and they all told him.

This weeks bile, masquerading as journalism, took the form of slating Alan Shearer and going on about how he went on too long in an England shirt conviently ignoring the media campaign of the time, which his own paper took part in, to get Shearer back playing in the team.

He also has a go at the fans and claims that even if we turn up in numbers next season in the lower leagues then we’ll still be shit and fickle etc. He’s a Norwich fan and I don’t think we’ve ever done them any bad turns so I fail to understand his hatred of Newcastle United, The City and Novocastrians in general. In fact, there can be only one explanation in my mind and as he’s got a face like Quasimodo’s aborted twin brother I think it’s not a bad shout:-

Mick, was your wife banging a Geordie behind your back mate? Did she tell you he was better than you…and bigger?

Let it go son…let it go…

Reasons to be cheerful 1...2...3

2009-03-30T13:09:00.001+01:00

1. My book ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is being published in the summer and I know of at least three people who’ll buy it so that’s a pint I can afford.
2. When Newcastle go down under the stewardship of Messrs Ashley (fat cunt), Wise (evil little dwarf cunt) and Llambias (greasy cockney spiv cunt) then we’ll play more games on a Saturday, probably win more as we’re in a shiter division and that incompetent fat virgin will lose half of his investment overnight.
3. I’m going drinking with Danny King (top author bloke – if you haven’t discovered him yet you should) in a few weeks and then I’m off to see The Specials the next night with the Wolverhampton mob – woohoo!

Just thought I’d share that with you all.

Later.

Separated at Birth? Part 3...

2009-03-24T12:29:00.001Z

Mike Ashley / Chris Moyles

Let’s consider the evidence shall we: -

• Chris Moyles is the world’s unfunniest man and Mike Ashley appointed a former casino owner and cockney spiv (Derek Llambias) to destroy Newcastle United which has left no-one laughing.

• They both suffer from an inflated sense of self-importance. Moyles proclaims himself ‘The Saviour of Radio 1’ – an organisation that has been running since before he was born and will still be going strong after his obesity kills him. Ashley seems to think he knows more about football than Kevin Keegan and as a consequence has wrecked the club that represents my city.

• They surround themselves with sycophants with no qualifications for their jobs other than the ability to do as they’re told. Moyles ‘people’ are required to laugh at his ‘jokes’ and Ashley’s ‘staff’ well, they’re simply required to get Newcastle United relegated...Dennis Wise anyone?

• They’re both fat, ugly bastards who are probably virgins.

• I hate them both.

That is all..

Look at this Photograph....

2009-03-19T15:33:00.000Z

Here’s a strange tale for you. I sent Byker Books an old photo of me in the school football team when I was seven for the cover of ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves’ and they were dead happy with it – set the right sort of tone and that.

They asked, quite rightly, was it my photo or had I got permission to use it from the owner? Obviously being me that hadn’t even crossed my mind and as I’d originally got the photo off a website about five years ago I thought I’d best make an effort to contact the bloke responsible for it.

I found him, he said I could use it and even suggested that, as he was a photographer these days, he would touch it up and send me a good version. I duly got onto Byker Books and told them. They were dead happy and life was cool.

Then he sent me the ‘good’ version back.

It was very good.

So good in fact that all the creases were out of it and you could see everyone’s face properly and do you know what?

It wasn’t me on the fucking photo!!!!!!

So now I’ve got to ‘create’ another cover pic sharpish and eating much humble pie…what a twat eh!

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 9

2009-03-11T08:42:00.001Z

Politicians who are getting all hysterical about Fred Goodwin’s gold plated pension deal and are demanding that he ‘does the right thing’ – don’t make me laugh you amoral, corrupt, grasping cunts, the hypocrisy emanating from you self righteous fuckers is sickening; Mike Ashley – we’re going down, you caused it, don’t try to convince us otherwise you nepotistic fat wanker; Chris Moyles – no particular reason this time I just fucking hate him; Cats that drag dead birds into your garden and leave them there – hope the fox gets you and does the same you little twats; Regional news that isn’t actually about your region – what’s that all about; Dennis Wise – Mike Ashleys gay lover; Agent Million from the Premium Bonds – he appears to have lost my address; People on Facebook who earnestly join every ‘cause’ going and feel the need to send these ‘causes’ on to me – fuck off, I don’t care; Whoever decided the Euro should be worth the same as the pound thus fucking up my little trip to Berlin; Joe Kinnear – Mike Ashleys dad; Whoever ‘slimed’ Peter Mandelson – she should have fucking punched him, missed opportunity there methinks; Derek Llambias – Mike Ashley’s bookie; All the left wing worthy’s who are jumping on the ‘Slumdog Millionaire is just poverty porn and it’s wrong’ bandwagon – fuck off it’s a good film and you’re just trying to be alternative, you sad, polo neck jumper wearing, ex-student, fuckwits; Whoever invented gardening – tosspot.

Aah – that’s better. Carry on.

Sunday dinner and Monday launch...

2009-03-06T09:03:00.008Z

A canny weekend last week ladies and gents – a canny weekend indeed.

I went out on Saturday with the in-laws and stayed out until three in the morning without a drop of the demon drink passing my lips – impressive eh!

Following that I travelled up to God’s country on Sunday morning, ostensibly in order to attend the launch of ‘Radgepacket Volume Two’ at Borders in Team Valley but also to get me mouth round one of me mams legendary Sunday Dinners. So it was few pints in the club (The Clerb like…) to watch Newcastle get beat then a fuckoff big roast then more bevvy with the siblings…like I said canny.

The launch on Monday night was great – particularly as I’d never been to one before and the mighty Ray Banks was there. As I was in the original ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ I got to sign copies for punters and pretend I was famous…In fact I’m sure I heard someone ask why Brad Pitt was there….

See you later

Oh aye – I got a phone call off Huddersfield Town FC on Monday as well telling me that their manager ‘Lee Clark’ (ex toon player) would be happy to write a foreword for my forthcoming toon book – It’s all happening now kids, honestly, I’ll probably not be speaking to you this time next year…heh heh

Move over Nick Hornby....

2009-02-25T13:17:00.000Z

Now then, bit of news for you all today.

I’ve been talking to the lads at Byker Books and they’re rather keen on publishing my book about Newcastle United and me – the superbly titled (I would say that wouldn’t I) ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves.’

They’re confident they can get it out by August in time for the new season and they’re working on it as we speak – good news eh!

While I won’t become a millionaire (or probably even a hundredaire for that matter) and it’s not like I’m a properly published fiction author I will have a book with my name on it.

They’ve also mentioned a couple of small signings as well so I’m digging out my eccentric authors costume as we speak – I’m thinking flat cap, jumper and scarf a la’ Albert Steptoe what do you reckon?

Anyway, good news for me and as things progress I’ll make sure you know first.

See you later

The Civic and The Spiv...

2009-02-12T15:12:00.001Z

When you’re thinking of a big night out you don’t really think of Wolverhampton do you?

You think Rio de Janeiro, New york, Barcelona, Newcastle upon Tyne (see how I slipped that in…), Los Angeles, Hong Kong et al

Wolverhampton probably doesn’t enter the equation BUT if you like pubs without poseurs, proper music with guitars in it and friendly locals (well no-one tried to hit me anyway) then I can heartily recommend the home of the Yam Yams.

And, if you end up there, can I suggest you patronise the two ‘Civics’ both ‘Little’ and ‘Big’ – particularly when the indie club night ‘Blast Off’ is on – fucking class man.

Anyway, in short, proper bars, proper music, proper good time.

Speaking of things that are ‘proper’ I noticed that the very opposite of that word was in the local Tyneside papers this week. Derek Llambias, the man in charge at Newcastle United (I use the word ‘man’ in it’s loosest possible sense as I’m of the opinion he’s a cowardly fucking spiv personally) deigned to give an interview and basically said that they’re in charge (‘they’ being the cockney mafia currently destroying the club through a combination of incompetence, pig-headedness and maelevolence) we’ll do as we’re told and anyway they don’t care what we think anyway so ner ner ner ner ner.

I’m in two minds as to whether I can be arsed to write an open letter to the bloke via the aformentioned local press and the various fanzines I’m on good terms with or whether I should just wait outside his house with a bat….I just divvent kna like.

Anyway, I’d best get back to work before anyone realises this is what I actually do all day and sticks me on the redundancy list but if I do write that letter you can all see it first...just before I go to court for libel.

See you later.

Big Bad Wolves...

2009-02-05T10:21:00.000Z

I’m all excited this week.

‘Why’s that,’ I hear you ask, ‘surely a grizzled old cynic such as yourself doesn’t get excited about anything Mr. Fasthands?’

I’ll tell you why – it’s the first big boys beano of the year on Saturday, the lads are travelling from Scotland, the Toon and Oxfordshire and we’re hitting Wolverhampton HARD - I cannit wait!

Obviously there’s also been a couple of things that have got my goat lately:-

Mike Ashley – Fat Liar

Dennis Wise – Insidious, Machiavellian dwarf with ‘little man’ complex

Derek Llambias – Arthur Daley’s smugger and stupider brother

Corrupt politicians in the House of Lords – Surprised? Not really.

The whole South of England coming to a standstill because it snowed – puffs.

Redundancies at work and the backbiting, moaning and bitching that has accompanied it – bunch of arse like.

Peter Mandelson – I’m alright Jack.

Anyway, bollocks to all that, I’m in too much of a good mood to let all of those plums spoilt it.

Have a good one kids – I know I will!

Radgepacket 2 - Launch Event

2009-01-14T13:15:00.003Z

The lads at Byker Books have asked me very nicely if I'd be able to publicise the launch event they have planned for the next volume in their 'Radgepacket' series - as I'm a nice bloke I thought I'd oblige.

March 2nd 2009 – Radgepacket 2 Launch Event

Yes it's true ladies and gents – the eagerly awaited return of ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ is being launched at ‘Borders Bookshop’ in Team Valley, Gateshead on Monday March 2nd at around 18.00 by renowned crime author Sheila Quigley and unknown editor…me!

If you can get there to say hello, maybe have a glass of cheap plonk, have your photo taken with Sheila (and me if you’re sad) and meet some of our contributors then you’re most welcome.

Here’s a bit of blurb from the respected and, frankly, fucking ace, author Ray Banks :-

Top notch stuff. Seriously impressed and it's nice to see someone filling the void that Bullet left. Keep up the stellar work!

So put it in your diaries and come and see us – I promise not to dip your pockets…..

Cheers

Ed

Byker Books

The Good, The Bad and the proper fucking Ugly.

2009-01-09T10:25:00.003Z

Happy (belated) new year – hope you all had a good festive season.

Anyway, on with this shite:-

The Good
The first Big Boys Beano of 2009 is fast approaching. It will see hordes of us descending on Wolverhampton, home of a Cockney exile, in order to drink the town dry and cry about our hangovers the next morning.

The Bad
The firm I work at has placed everyone on a ’90 day redundancy consultation period’ while they decide who to get rid of following Subaru’s pulling out of the World Rally Championship.

The Proper Fucking Ugly

The Mike ashley/Dennis Wise/Derek Llambias axis of evil. All ugly bastards. FACT.

On an unrelated note I’ve submitted the first novel I ever wrote (the mighty Maxwell’s Silver Hammer) to a small indie publisher I discovered – owt happens you’ll be first to know. On a note unrelated to that, Byker Books have mentioned that they’ll be releasing ‘Radgepacket2’ at the end of Feb – I’m not in it but I know someone who is – here’s a look at the cover.

If it’s owt like the last one it’ll be good.

Now wrap up warm this weekend won’t you – I’ve just read that the EU will be taking our gas reserves to help out fellow european member states, good old Tony and Gordon selling us all out like that eh…..

Hong Kong and Phooey.

2008-12-17T08:04:00.002Z

I’ve been away for a week but it seems that nowt’s changed.

First things first though – Hong Kong was fucking magnificent!

Highlights included :-

1. Eating Dim Sum on the worlds biggest floating restaurant and not throwing up.
2. Riding round Aberdeen harbour (no not that one) on a sampan driven by a wizened old Chinese bloke who didn’t speak English and used his foot to steer.
3. Having high tea at the oldest colonial hotel (The Peninsula) in Hong Kong.
4. Drinking very expensive Martini’s in the lounge of another very impressive hotel with the best view you can get of the HK skyline at night
5. Visiting the famous ‘Big Buddha’ (no not Jade Goody) and then riding the worlds highest, longest and scariest cable car back down the mountain.
6. Eating what was alleged to be a vegetarian chinese meal, not knowing what it was and still not finding out to this day – tasted a bit meaty to me like...
7. Going to Happy Valley Racecourse at night and mingling (and drinking with..) all the locals. Somehow making friends with a group of middle-aged chinese women who couldn’t speak English but still mocked all my horse choices – I did pick two winners though!
8. Inventing a new insult* based on a real place in the Hong Kong area.

Whilst I was there I noticed on the BBC world news that our Euro masters had decreed that the Irish people had to vote again on the Lisbon treaty as they had the cheek to not want to be run from Brussels (well any more than they actually are). It used to be said that if voting changed anything they’d abolish it – well now that seems to be the case.

It turns out that where the euro lobby are concerned that you either don’t get to vote (us for example) or if you do you’re not allowed to vote ‘No’ – didn’t Hitler have the same tactics? Just a thought.

Oh, one other thing, I’ve got a story appearing in the new issue of ‘True Faith’ which is out this Friday entitled ‘Daddy’s Gone’ – it’s a first for me in that I wrote it to order. They wanted stuff that was short (1000 words), Geordie related, involved Newcastle United in some way and was a bit gritty.

Right up my street really.

See you later

* my new insult accurately describes all MP’s and MEP’s really – they’re all a bunch of Mong Kok’s

Dim Scum

2008-12-03T13:26:00.003Z

There’s a lot happened this week.

For instance a member of the opposition party in a country where the man in charge wasn’t elected by the population is arrested for bringing to light the failings of the home office (that’s our country I’m talking about by the way!). Interestingly the force that carried out the arrest is run by a man vying for the top police job in the country - who gets that job will be decided by the home secretary – the unelected Prime Minister’s mate and the person most under fire for the failings of the Home Office. Just to close the circle a junior civil servant has now been nicked for passing the memo’s – which weren’t covered under the official secrets incidentally - to the opposition official. Expect a suicide note and a corpse a la` Dr David Kelly any day now….oh and a request from Robert Mugabe for a masterclass from our glorious leaders in how to run a police state dictatorship.

The spineless, amoral, wankers that run Haringey Council, particularly their child care department, have ‘resigned’ and been ‘sacked’. The two who resigned – their names escape me, luckily for them – hung onto their jobs for as long as they possibly could with not a thought that a baby (well only one that we know of and of course poor Victoria Climbie a few years ago) died because of their incompetence. When the inquiry laid it squarely at their door they suddenly decided that the death of Baby P left their positions untenable and they couldn’t go on.

Fuck off you horrible, selfish, ignorant cunts – you displayed all the survival instincts of a corrupt politician in hanging on for dear life before finally being pushed by Ed Balls in order to deflect any criticism from him – I hope you never work again you incompetent twats.

Oh and the one who got ‘sacked’ was the one that went on the telly looking serious and saying that ‘people have had written warnings’ so it was all right – bucket faced cow! She hasn’t even been sacked – she’s suspended on full pay before she gets her massive fucking payoff – I’m sure the council tax payers of Haringey are well pleased about that.

Finally...I’m going to Hong Kong on Friday – Woohooo - so while you're all trudging round the shops in the snow arguing with your other halves I'll be lying by my rooftop pool, drinking Mai Tai's and eating Dim Sum, it's a hard life.

See ya.

Reality Bites...

2008-11-25T13:10:00.001Z

Ooh how good is ‘Spooks’ these days? I think the new series has been great and I’m worried about Harry for the last two episodes.

Now if a proper cynic like my good self can get into a program like that then I think it’s a credit to the actors, writers and everyone else involved. However it also shows up the rest of the shite on television these days for what it really is – cheap, lowest common denominator bollocks.

‘Reality’ shows in particular cheese me right off. In the main they’re just this centuries equivalent of putting the village idiot in the stocks and laughing at him, well with the exception of one. ‘The Restaurant’, in my not so humble opinion was class and involved real people actually working for something they’d always dreamt of instead of fat, tracksuited oafs screeching at a camera in a vain attempt to convince themselves and the nation that their worthless lives actually mean something.

‘But Simon..sniff…it’s my dream…always has been…sniff’

‘You’re not good enough – get out…I’m Mr. Nasty me…’

‘But…sob…ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a singer…it’s all I’ve ever wanted…’

At this point I would like to step onto the set and ask the spotty, ugly charva the following questions :-

So Fatty – you say you’ve always wanted to be a singer and it’s your dream?

‘yes…sniff…’

And with this in mind have you ever taken any singing lessons?

‘…no…sob…me mam couldn’t afford them…’

Did you think of getting a paper round or part time job to pay for them?

‘…sniff…no…’

What about working in the clubs as a singer and honing your act?

‘…sob….but I go out on a Saturday night so I couldn’t do that and anyway I practice down The Hare and Hounds on a Friday at karaoke night..sniff’

So what you’re saying is that in your youth you couldn’t be bothered to get off your lazy fat arse and do some graft to pay for singing lessons or stage school and even now you can’t be bothered to do any kind of work towards your ‘dream’. Instead you just want to be plucked from obscurity, magically made good looking and catapulted to instant stardom and a life of luxury through the virtue of being able to scream ‘I will always love you’ to a pub full of old soaks and lesbian darts teams louder than anyone else on a Friday night?

‘…sob…sob but it’s me dream…’

Well in that case I suggest you downgrade your ‘dream’ career to something you have more experience of and an obvious aptitude for – start practicing this phrase luv ...‘Do you want fries with that?’

Now fuck off from my screen and let’s have an extended edition of Dr. Who on.

Who yee calling a Radge?

2008-11-21T12:51:00.002Z

Woohoo – I’m officially published again!

I received Byker Books inaugaral publication the other day – the seminally titled ‘Radgepacket’ and frankly, it’s fucking class.

Proper stories about proper people doing proper things – about time an all.

Anyway, I’ve stuck a pic up of the front cover (which is a class act in itself!) and if you’re interested in reading it for yourself/giving it to someone as a stocking filler then head over to the Byker Books site as they’ve got all the details on there (it’s cheap an all mind!).

Byker Books

Oooh I got invited to claim my money back from the thieving eskimo bastards that had kept hold of it for the last couple of months this week as well – theoretically I should be off the breadline again come this time next week – happy days.

All in all a canny week – toodle pip.

Scum.

2008-11-12T10:44:00.001Z

I’m normally a bit chirpy. It normally takes a lot to get me down. Sometimes I just pretend to be in one so I can entertain you lot. Not today.

I’ve got every reason to be in a good mood this week and I was going to tell you about it today but that changed at about ten pm last night.

That was when I watched a horrific news item about a baby tortured to death in Britain. I won’t go into the details of it as it still upsets me now. Suffice to say the three people responsible (unbelieveably the child’s mother was one of them) will hopefully live lives full of fear and be the recipients of beatings, abuse and torture themselves every day for the rest of their miserable stay on this planet. Cunts.

No, my thoughts today are with Haringey social services and their failure. The child was on the protection register, he was visited numerous times by social workers and medical people. Every time his injuries were missed – they were some fucking BIG injuries! His clothes actually had his own dried and aged blood on them for fucks sake.

Haringey are the same mob who missed all the stuff happening to poor Victoria Climbie a few years back and after that they had an inquiry and promised they’d changed all their procedures…it would never happen again…children come first…blah blah blah.

Their spokeswoman last night informed the nation with a grave face that ‘written warnings’ had been given out but ‘there is not enough proof to sack people’.

How much proof do they fucking need? In fact bollocks to proof, the people in charge at that place would resign if they were any kind of human beings. Instead they cling onto their jobs and accept no responsibility for their failure to keep a child alive.

The people who did it were scum – the people who allowed this to happen again and then hid behind their mountain of ‘inconclusive’ reports aren’t far behind.

This country’s fucked.

Reasons to be cheerful...1...2...3

2008-10-30T15:34:00.004Z

I'm all fit and healthy again after a very annoying year full of niggling injuries, Russell Brand has been found out for being an unfunny, abusive prick who is the living epitome of 'Emperors New Clothes' syndrome (see also Little Britain and Chris Moyles), Newcastle finally won another game and are out of the bottom three - Liverpool will be shitting theirselves now, My story 'Blagger' is soon to be featured in 'Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities' alongside an exclusive by Danny King, It's nearly Christmas, I'm off to Poole for the weekend tomorrow, Petrol prices are coming down, I've never met Brian sewell and...best of all...SPOOKS IS BACK!!!!!!

Get in.

I wonder why he's the greatest dancer...

2008-10-14T13:58:00.009+01:00

Firstly apologies to everyone who noticed I had a new post but couldn't access it - this is because computers are the spawn of satan and hate me - no other reason.

Now, on with the nonsense. There's some canny stuff happening at the minute. Byker Books debut publication ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ is apparently going to be on sale via their website from the middle of next month and, not only am I going to be in it but they’ve made me the first story which obviously means I’m the best!

Anyway, here’s a link so you can read the blurb they're putting out with it.

Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities

I was in Exmouth at the weekend (I didn’t realise the South had nice bits) and went clubbing at 'The Q Club' it was a bit charva-like but, just so you know, I’m still the best dancer like.

On an unrelated note I noticed Cabinet Ministers Ed Balls and his partner/wife/accomplice Yvette Cooper were cleared of any mispropriety by the Commons Standards Committee in relation to the expenses they claim on their various houses.

Obviously as they have been cleared of any wrongdoing by their fellow politicians who are also doing the same thing and would rather it could all be swept under the carpet then they are whiter than white aren’t they?

This country’s fucked.

Blood and Blunders...

2008-09-26T14:18:00.001+01:00

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks? Well there’s a simple answer to that – I’m a lazy bastard!

Nah, only kidding…well actually I’m not, I am a lazy bastard…but I do have mitigating circumstances.

I managed to somehow slash three of my fingers whilst using a chainsaw in a manly fashion*, resulting in claret gushing everywhere and lots of gauze, bandages and surrogate stitches (plastic strip things). All of this didn’t actually physically stop me from typing but it put me off enough to stop me doing it.

Obviously as a hard northern bastard I still went out on the drink at my nephews Eighteenth birthday party the same night though, hey – you’ve gotta have priorities right?

Anyway, not posting anything has given me the chance to re-appraise the situation at Newcastle United and take a cool, detached and methodical view of it all.

My conclusion is still that Denis Wise is the devil incarnate, Mike Ashley is a bumbling fat fool with a ‘please like me’ complex and Derek Llambias, the anonymous chairman, is a dick of the highest order who wears ridiculous glasses in an attempt to look Mike Read his cockney idol.

That’s them telt.

Oh, I went to see Paddy McGuiness last night and he was as filthy, rude and funny as usual. His support act, whose name I forget, was very good as well and told us all what to do when confronted with those knobs who smoke on buses. I shan’t go into detail, suffice to say I’d never heard the term passive wanking before!

I’ll leave you with that – have a good one.

Ps – Just heard about Joe Kinnear (aka Mate of the goggle eyed, cock sucking, taxi driver assaulting dwarf) taking over the toon on an interim basis – fuck me I’m depressed…

* it wasn’t a chainsaw it was a tin but don’t tell anyone I’m trying to build up a hardman rep….

North East...enders.

2008-09-12T13:50:00.001+01:00

I would just like to put to bed the scurrilous rumours that Newcastle United are to be renamed Walford FC, the catering staff will only be serving Jellied eels from now on, the team will be running out to ‘knees up Mother Brown’ and that Shearers Bar will be re-named ‘The Queen Vic’.

This is obviously nonsense…everyone knows that the caterers will also be doing Pie and Mash…

Good luck to all the protesters, shouters, boycotters and heed the balls in Newcastle tomorrow – let that fat cunt and his evil little sidekick know exactly what you think of them.

Ps – Of course I wouldn’t for one second advocate violence or lawless behaviour on the aforementioned obese one and his cock sucking dwarf buddy but if it happens then rest assured I’ll be the first one to piss my self laughing!

Conspiracy Corner...

2008-09-08T12:24:00.005+01:00

Now I’m not one to cause trouble…but, there’s been something nagging at my mind for the past couple of days.

Imagine you’re in charge of a struggling Northern football club that has fallen on hard times. It wasn’t so long ago that you were competing at the top of the premier league and in the Champions League semi finals but now you find yourself in the third tier of English football. As a result of your spectacular collapse you had to sell off your brightest and best young players but the money was swallowed up by creditors.

Now what if you had employed one of your old mates from a previous club in the capacity of manager but he wasn’t that good and it was his assistant who’d done all the graft anyway. Unfortunately the assistant had buggered off back to London and the team had started struggling again leading the fans to get on the back of the goggle eyed, poisoned dwarf you had in the management position.

So, as they always do, the evil hobgoblin realising he’s been found out manages to secure another job with a bigger club where luckily his mate is the owner. This staggering piece of good fortune leaves him in sole charge of transfers and you suddenly remember that one of the young stars you had to flog off had a sell on clause and went to that very club.

Obviously you get on the phone to the aforementioned vertically challenged horrible little cunt and remind him he owes you a favour.

Next thing you know there’s some money winging its way into your bank account, the manager of the other club has resigned due to being undermined by the evil, cocksucking elf and you’ve got a meeting at a service station on the A19 and a brown paper bag full of notes in your back pocket.

Luckily you get to live happily ever after, mind you I don’t know about dwarf boy though as a whole city full of people is hard to guard against.

Ps – How much did James Milner go for again?

Cockney Rejects....

2008-09-05T14:28:00.002+01:00

*Sigh*

I’m having a shite week. Another rejection from an agent, my job’s crap and, worst of all, my hero has been driven from my club by a pack of cowardly, power hungry, not fit to lace his boots, cockney* Cunts!!

I’ve written a quick article about it for Players Inc (as seen on the BBC 1 Ten O Clock news Thursday 4th Sept) and attached it below.

He’s a dwarf a dwarf….

Mike Ashley has done a lot of good stuff since he took over at Newcastle United. Long term season tickets payable in installments, extended family section, consultation with fans, the singing section and even letting flags into games again. Yes, Mike Ashley has done a lot of good things since he took over.

On Thursday 4th September he wiped out every bit of goodwill he’d built up in one stroke when he chose his friend Dennis Wise over the one man in his whole setup that actually cares about Newcastle United – Kevin Keegan.

This allegedly astute businessman managed to lose an entire city of paying customers for all of his businesses in one go.

In truth this had been building for a while. Since Chris Mort left, the communication emanating from the club has been non-existent but Keegans body language and general patter weren’t right and we’d all started to notice.

He stated unequivocally that ‘James Milner is the last person I would like to see leave this club’ and a few days later Milner was gone with Kev saying ‘It was my decision.’

It patently wasn’t but Wor Kev seemed upbeat, telling us all ’Judge me when the transfer window shuts.’ I was happy at that because I knew that Kev meant there was quality players coming in and he’d never let us down before on that score – unfortunately we were all unaware that he wasn’t in charge of acquiring them anymore, the buying and selling is down to Dennis Wise.

It is blatantly obvious that Keegan had been promised a player better than James Milner by the ‘recruitment team’ (Bastian Schweinsteiger apparently ) and come Monday night when the window slammed shut it was also obvious that they’d lied to him.

With all due respect to the two players brought in they weren’t what the manager wanted, a forward to go with the five we already have and a twenty six year old midfielder who was loaned out to us immediately after signing for his new club – how good is he going to be then?

Unlike the rest of the miscreants that make up the mamangement of Newcastle United Kevin Keegan is a man of principle and honour and there is no way he can allow himself to be used to lie to the fans so Llambias and his cockney posse can pursue their own hidden agenda.

Indeed Derek Llambias, ex casino manager and good mate of Mike Ashley (the only qualification needed for a top job at the toon these days) was seen at the Arsenal match entertaining David O Leary – now one of the favourites to replace Wor Kev. if I was to suggest there was a conspiracy by the cockney boys to push out Keegan and install their own puppet then that would obviously only be my opinion – bears thinking about though doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for Dennis Wise (could there be a less apt surname?), Llambias and the other one (what the fuck is his name??) they’ve made a major mistake if they think they can treat Kevin Keegan with contempt and patronise both him and us, dismissing the fanbase as insignificant.

The entire city is up in arms at the disgraceful treatment of our club and of Keegan and, for once, there are moves afoot to do something about it. I’ve heard talk of match boycotts, mass protests and general awkward behaviour not just in and out of St. James but also within Ashley’s other businesses. This will hit him where it really hurts his type – in the pocket – and it will also put him squarely in the media spotlight a position he doesn’t relish one bit.

Apparently there is an indian consortium looking to buy the Toon, if Ashley has any sense he will sell up and ship out back to jellied eel land, unfortunately, as he proved when backing the odious little cockney dwarf over Keegan, he obviously doesn’t have any.

This could get interesting.

Howay the lads

Here’s a question though :-

If Ashley was so anxious to get rid of Barton for the ‘shame’ he brought to Newcastle then how come he is so ready to defend the poisonous little arsehole that is Dennis Wise?

Lest we forget Dennis has ‘form’ for attacking taxi drivers and setting about a team mate and breaking his jaw during training (how come the the tabloid journalists haven’t made that connection yet? Oh hold on Dennis is from London isn’t he…)

Any man that chooses Dennis Wise over Kevin keegan is obviously a clueless twat and therefore does not deserve my support.

GET OUT ASHLEY – TAKE WISE AND LLAMBIAS WITH YOU AND PISS OFF BACK TO YOUR JELLIED EELS AND YOUR BARROW YOU BUNCH OF COCKNEY WANKERS.*

* Sorry Tel…

Arsenal - Up the Bummers...

2008-09-02T08:21:00.000+01:00

Bit bored with this now like.

At the weekend Mike Ashley was spoken to by the police for committing the heinous crime of drinking a pint. Apparently someone complained – what type of sad, whinging, spotty virgin moans to the bizzies when his team is already three nil up and cruising to victory. What kind of sad, unfulfilled, frustrating life must this cunt lead that makes him derive satisfaction from crying to the law that someone is trying to drown his sorrows. Fucking Arsehole.

Mick Dennis of The Express has also continued his one man sniping crusade against Newcastle when he commented on the incident. For those of you who don’t know Mr Dennis has been slagging off Keegan non-stop since his arrival back at the Toon but as we’ve made a decent start he’s been strangely quiet, only crawling out from under his stone to mention this.

Joey Barton (again), comes on and gets booed by the whole middle class Arsenal set. The same Arsenal mob who consider Tony Adams a legend – that’s the Tony Adams who went to jail for drink driving and put his car through someone’s garden wall when pissed. Still that’s alright isn’t it – he’s a London based player.

Joey then makes a legitimate tackle which results in him being targeted by the whole Arsenal team until one of them (Samir Nasri) boots him from behind (a tactic used by countless frenchmen over the years I understand – soft cunts!). You’d think the sporting press, particularly in the light of the new ‘respect’ campaign would make something of this – oh hold on though, Nasri plays for a London team doesn’t he and those nasty oiks from up North deserve everything they get.

Not that I’m narked or anything like…

Ps and Arsenal played like fucking Brazil that’s not fair either…

Taxing questions...

2008-08-27T10:17:00.001+01:00

How was your bank holiday then? I hurt my back at the weekend (it hurts loads but I’m from Byker and therefore hard as nails so I don’t say nowt…) but unfortunately due to various staffing issues I’ve had to come to work this week rather than resting it so I’m in a right mood…

With that in mind I’m going to keep this brief (gotta do me stretches like don’t ask…) and ask just one question.

As Labour ministers are calling for a ‘windfall tax’ on the energy firms, the rationale being that they’re making a fortune through increased prices, in order to spend the said tax on ‘helping those in fuel poverty’.

Will they also be calling for the same tax on the government who are making an absolute fortune through fuel tax (the highest in Europe I believe – do we get any benefit from being in the EU?) in order to assist those who are struggling with big price rises on everything caused by the price of petrol and diesel?

Or, as I suspect will happen, will they keep quiet about that and just put their expenses claims in as normal and live the good life whilst we all struggle to heat our homes, drive our cars and put food on the table?

Don’t even know why I’m asking actually – they’re all a bunch of self serving, greedy, hypocritical fuckers with more in common with the grasping, everyone else will pay for me, chav class than they care to realise.

Bunch of arse all of ‘em.

Last night a DJ saved my life...

2008-08-20T09:00:00.001+01:00

Right, forgive me but I’m about to go off on one now.

Loads of important world events happened on Monday/ Tuesday, for instance :-

• The Pakistani president resigned – a worrying development where terrorism is concerned
• Our Olympians accrued loads more medals
• The Russians were leaving Georgia and then they weren’t then they were again – implications for world peace/war are massive
• Our economy is still fucked and people are at the point of existing rather than living

With this in mind what do you think the lead story on some downmarket, super soaraway, tabloids and, more to the point, our national radio station was?

I’ll tell you.

‘Jade Goody has cancer’

What?

‘You know man Jade Goody, ignorant, illiterate, racist embarrassment to our whole nation, famous only for being stupid and getting her fanny out on television.’

‘Oh her – why’s her doctor told everyone then? Surely that’s something you’d keep private?’

‘Well her doctor didn’t tell her. She was informed she had it whilst in the diary room of the Indian version of Big Brother by her agent who then told the tabloids’.

‘Oh fuck off.’

Now If Ms goody has cancer then she has my sympathy. I know people who’ve beaten it, people who still have it and sadly I’ve known people who couldn’t fight it. None of them made the news on a radio station that I am forced to pay for and they were/are all ten times better people than she is but that’s not my point.

Why on earth would it be headline news all fucking day? Is there nothing else worthy of being the main headline on a national radio station in a supposedly civilised, first world country? Has the national IQ been so dumbed down that the wellbeing of an anonymous wannabe is crucial to our morale?

This country’s fucked and frankly, it’s the media that’s providing the KY Jelly!

Ps – as well as that I also had to endure Chris Moyles doing his ‘hilarious’ Geordie impersonation again yesterday, it was almost as funny as the time he was on ‘Never mind the Buzzocks’ and stayed very quiet when confronted with real funny people. I recall him crying to the papers afterwards that they’d picked on him.

Just like school Chris eh? It’s always the fat, ugly prick that gets bullied…

PPs - Some fucker's getting it today like....

The Club Men Chronicles

2008-08-15T09:36:00.002+01:00

Morning All,

Nowt to report today - so I thought I'd treat you to this little known gem.

On the Byker Books site I noticed this feature which has been added with no fanfare or drum roll so I thought I'd shout about it as it's funny.

The Club Men Chronicles

There are certain characters in there that remind me of certain people I know but I'm saying nowt.

Give it a look anyway.

Have a good weekend

FH

Back in...

2008-08-14T10:12:00.001+01:00

What day is it?

Thursday?

Yeh I feel better now – only took me five days to get over something that lasted for three. Still, least said about Prague the better, mind, you know what they say.

‘What goes on tour …..ends up on Facebook!’

Anyway, I came back to find out that one of my stories, that I’d won a competition on Byker Books with, had been published in top Newcastle fanzine True Faith and I’m now famous amongst the toon faithful.

One eagle eyed associate of mine pointed out that he’d read the said story on my website already but hey, that’s life eh?

Anyway, nowt else on the writing front, I got a three round hiding on my return to the gym last night but did rally for long enough to get some telling blows in during a toe to toe exchange (never underestimate the speed of my hands..) and I’ve got some new books to read by David Peace that aren’t even out yet!.

Adieu

FH

Prague...Prague...Prague...Prague

2008-08-07T08:19:00.000+01:00

Right then, couple of bits today.

I'm off to Prague on a big boys beano tomorrow - I've heard they have lovely architecture, wonderful Art Galleries and super museums, I absolutely guarantee I won't see any of them.

Tried out my new gumshield last night during an intense five round beating - I'm happy to report that none of my teeth burst through my lips or cheeks so well done to the Tooth Factory in the toon for that - I'm also pleased to report that my opponent, a filthy old school slugger, suffered severe bruising...to his knuckles - that'll teach him.

No writing news other than one of my stories (Blagger) is going to feature in the debut anthology from 'Byker Books' sometime in November - I'll let you know when so you can buy a copy and I'll sign it for you. Then when I'm a multi billionaire celebrity author you can claim to the News of The World that I slept with you and make yourself fifty grand - everyone's a winner.

Have I mentioned I'm going to Prague in a minute?

Have a good un.

Ps - Did you notice I didn't swear today? Soon put that right - FUCK!

'Dick' Barton - not so special agent...

2008-08-05T14:05:00.001+01:00

Right, I’ve had enough of this Joey Barton shite now. A couple of points I'd like to make:-

1. Purposely looking for the fuckwittest looking fuckwit in a Newcastle top and getting him to say what you want about Joey Barton whilst presenting that as the voice of every geordie is not actually good reporting practice in my opinion.

2. I don’t recall the media getting so worked up about convicted drink driver Tony Adams and his spell inside, or Eric ‘Bruce Lee’ Cantona or Ben ‘Forearm smash’ Thatcher or John ‘Yes I did glass that bouncer a few years back’ Terry or the hundreds of other footballers who kick off up and down the land every weekend. I wonder why that is?

3. Four England rugby players were accused of rape and sexual assault a few months back. The English media devoted a whole day to it and then shut up. If it had been four England footballers then whole rainforests would have been chopped down so journalists could occupy the moral high ground. If it had been four Newcastle players then certain journalists would have self combusted their indignation would have been so great.

4. Speaking of Journalists – how many of them have ever been convicted of offences but now stand in judgement on Barton? Alan Brazil for instance, chief moral crusader on Talkshite radio has been done for drink driving. What gives him the right to become judge and jury on anyone else?

5. In which other industry would a business be expected to just give away a six million pound asset to one of it’s competitors just because that particular asset is flawed (and shit – no I’m not a fan of his!).

6. Why didn’t the media demand Bartons expulsion from Manchester City when the offence originally occurred?

7. Why is all this Keegans fault when it was actually Big Fat Sham who lashed the cash on the scouse dickhead – a fact no-one in the media seems keen to bring up?

8. and finally, am I the only one who thinks that, yes Barton is a wanker but all he did was have a fight on the training ground – something that happens every day at every club – did anyone die? Did the world stop turning? Was it Joey who killed Diana?

I think a lot of journalists need to get a fucking grip and I will be watching the ‘Wayne Rooney spat on a nightclub bouncer’ story with interest.

Ps – I’m off to Prague at the weekend – cannit fucking wait, I hope I see a reporter there…

Writing News...

2008-08-01T10:36:00.001+01:00

Right then, some good stuff going on.

I’ve finished my play – did I mention I was writing a play? No? Well I obviously don’t tell you everything do I.

You can get a look at a portion of it here :- My Website

I’m sending it to the Live Theatre in the toon so they can run their beady eyes over it and then tell me I’m shit – I’ll let you know how that goes.

Also, and this is the good bit, I’ve had a story accepted for publication in a short fiction anthology that Byker Books are bringing out round about November – woo hoo.

As usual nee cash involved but I’ll get a copy of the book to bore everyone with and, as the author Danny King is also going to be in it, a bit of exposure.

So all looking promising on the good ship fasthands – you have a good weekend now.

Ps – Just heard I’m getting my new, made-to-measure, gumshield through the post in the next few days. That’ll be handy next weekend when I’m on a big boys beano in Prague….

Everything is Average nowadays - part 8

2008-07-24T12:56:00.000+01:00

The News of The World for digging out Max Mosley because he had a nazi orgy with a load of Prossies – leave him alone man we’ve all done it; Kids on their school holidays making loads of noise up and down your street when you’re trying to get to sleep – the little fuckers should all be on a curfew on pain of death; People who don’t keep up with fashion and diss your new Lyle & Scott top; Bosses who hang onto their jobs by a fingernail when it’s obvious they’re fucked – show some pride you spineless twats; Publishers who employ women readers for profanity riddled mens books and then don’t understand that the target audience might see it a little differently – nobs; Chris Moyles, no particular reason I just hate the fat cunt; Students (obviously); Wankers who feel the need to rev up their mopeds at half six in the morning in their back garden two down from yours – that’ll end in tears; All coppers who arrest people for defending themselves – cocks; Politicians in this country – all shit, all in it for the money, all irrelevant to public life now we’re run from Brussels; People who leave big bits of Carbon Fibre sticking out of shelves in the warehouse you work in so you can walk into them and pierce the skin on your forehead resulting in much pain and blood – utter, utter cunts.

I hope they all fall down on a gravel pit and skin their knees – bastards.

It's good to be back, good to be back....

2008-07-15T14:55:00.002+01:00

So I’m back in the land of living dead (Banbury!) and life is going on as normal. My birthday was good, plenty of drink involved, loads of spraffing with the siblings and a manc who tried to surfboard on a pub table resulting in a spilled pint of Cider and Black belonging to an irate fat bird.

I’m now officially ‘The Don’ and as a result will be speaking with marbles in my mouth at all times as well as being wise about anything and everything – hold on, I already do that.

I’ve had a sniff of publication of ‘I’m Rivelino’ through ‘Byker Books’ who have a sales plan that won’t involve me hitting the top of the bestseller charts but might get me a couple of pints and a kebab. Most importantly though I’ll finally be in print and have something to show for my efforts as well as a springboard to kick on from.

Anyway, I’m off – see you later.

ps - my boss has been 'transferred' with immediate effect. Officially, he's still my boss, unofficially he's already cleared his desk...

I WON YOU CUNT!!!!! HA

Bits n bobs...

2008-07-10T11:52:00.001+01:00

It’s my birthday on Saturday, as a result I shall be travelling up to Geordieland tonight to refresh my spirit and cleanse my soul of all things southern. I’m guessing that as I cross the River Tyne back into Gods own country and the influence of the south recedes my IQ will rise back to previous levels and important bits of me will double in size to their previous dimensions…..

Right that should have offended enough of my readers. Writing wise not much on so I’ll just leave that.

Other news, a bloke recently got arrested for chasing a mob of who were throwing rocks through his windows. His crime? He was waving a bit of wood about in order to defend himself against the gang of feral shitheads.

Another bloke, who is disabled, was recently arrested after getting a burglar in a headlock after the said burglar had punched him first.

This country’s fucked.

Anyway, fuck that the revolution won’t be long now. Have a good un – I’m going to!!

Ps - I'm the godfather this weekend - Don Fasthands.....that means you all have to kiss my ring...!

Observations...

2008-07-04T10:26:00.002+01:00

Just some general bits and pieces today.

I notice that Gordon Brown, the unelected puppet that our euro masters chose to run our country, is in the North East today. Presumably he arrived by air as Newcastle and it's suburbs (Sunderland, Middlesbrough etc.) aren't considered important enough to merit a three lane motorway to connect them to the rest of the country. Still as long as there's enough public money to let London host it's olympics and to keep mp's in the manner to which they've been accustomed then we'll be okay.

I had a little chuckle to myself when the Scottish tennis player crashed and burned at Wimbledon - obviously if he'd won he'd have been British....

Ooh, on the subject of taxpayers money, apparently as part of the ongoing investigation into MP's and the way they fiddle their expenses, there's a proposal to give them all free cars!!!!! Brilliant, they might realise just how much petrol costs then.....oh hold on, that'll still be on expenses won't it.

Having finished my third book recently I have now turned my attention to finishing the play I started writing some years ago (fuck off I've been busy alright...)and then sending it to the Live Theatre in Newcastle for assessment - I'll let you know how I get on.

That's it for now kids - see you later.

FH

Success at last...well sort of.

2008-07-01T16:01:00.002+01:00

Big News....well after a fashion anway.

I've won a prize in a a competition run by Byker Books. My story 'The Invisible Man' has scooped a free book from them by the inimitable Danny King - which is a good thing.

Further to this though, through their link up with Newcastle Fanzine 'True Faith', I'm going to also see the story published in there for the first issue of the new football season!!

Vast amounts of exposure to Newcastle fans just as I've finished writing a book about my exploits following the Mags.

It's a sign I tell you, a sign....

Separated at Birth?? Part 2

2008-06-26T13:14:00.004+01:00

Following on from my successful comparison of Tony Blair and Graeme Souness (aye it was a while back I know) I'd like to present you with more compelling evidence that two well known dipshits are in fact one and the same person.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Gordon Brown and Robert Mugabe!

Ridiculous? Let’s look at the facts shall we….

• Both have ruined the economy of their various countries
• Both have seen prices spiral out of control to the point where ordinary people are struggling badly
• Both are out of touch with the wishes of their citizens
• Both preside over governments that are rumoured to be rife with corruption.
• Both employ ministers that make sure they’re alright while everyone else suffers in a country racked by crime and violence
• Neither of them have been elected to their position

I rest my case…

ps - While you're following government advice not to have a payrise over two percent even though prices are going through the roof for everything and people will almost certainly freeze/starve to death this winter, they're happily awarding themselves another forty grand a year. Nice work if you can get it eh?

They're all scum.

No, no, no, no, no, no ,no Yes…

2008-06-20T10:19:00.001+01:00

I never tire of slagging off politicians – which is lucky because they’re always doing things I don’t like!

For instance, this week the Irish people voted against the EU treaty (you know the one that our unelected prime minister was meant to give us a referendum on as it was in his party’s manifesto during the last election) and that should have been that.

The rules of that particular piece of european nonsense state that if the treaty is not ratified by every member state then it is unworkable and, to all intents and purposes, dead.

So did our euro masters take their snouts from the trough long enough to follow their own rules and leave us with a little bit of self governance?

Did they fuck – the Irish premier has been told to go away and turn the no into a yes so they can all continue on the gravy train and we can have a european army as well as a european president running our country. Expect the Irish to be having another referendum sometime soon after they’ve been offered a load of incentives to say yes.

Have any of the euro states spoken up in favour of the Irish? Well the Czech’s did (and fair play to them) but our own PM – the unelected, out of touch and deeply unlikeable Gordon Brown, had his tongue up the arse of the French and Germans quicker than you can say ‘I think I’ll put taxes up on petrol’.

Politicians - they’re all scum.

Have a good weekend.

Ps – Tom Harris – Transport Minister and Labour MP for Glasgow South …thinks we’re all whining and we’ve never had it so good – I’m guessing he gets his petrol on ‘expenses’. Make sure you bear it in mind come election time.

PPs – The small ‘e’ in european was deliberate – I’m good at spelling me – I don’t officially recognise them as having owt to do with me so fuck them.

PPPs – you can’t beat a small ‘e’...!!

Miscellaneous nonsense

2008-06-13T11:14:00.001+01:00

Not much going on at the minute really. If you’re interested in motorsport (which I’m not ironically) then the firm I work for are competing in the World Rally Championship in Turkey this weekend as well as running a racing team at Le Mans 24 hour race tomorrow.

Just thought I’d mention it really…don’t really give a fuck meself.

Book wise – I can sum up what’s happening in three words…..Absolutely fucking nowt!

I’m undecided whether to start plotting a new fiction book or scribble some bits for a new non fiction book I’m thinking of writing with a view to selling parts of it as articles to the various lads mags.

I was gonna call it ‘The Fasthands Theory – Blood, sweat and beers’ and it’ll be about me learning to box – what do you reckon?

That apart I’m going out tomorrow on a twelve hour pass so that’ll be messy – I understand my ‘friends in the north’ are doing the same so I’ll be there in spirit – texting abuse all day!

Anyway, that’s it, have a good one and as ever, if owt happens you’ll know first.

FH

Ps – even though I don’t care about motorsport I am narked that the driveshaft’s fucked on my car – cheers God!

Busy, Busy, Busy

2008-06-04T10:30:00.001+01:00

I know, I know, It’s been a while and I’m sorry. Loads of stuff has been going on and frankly I’m knackered.

Anyway there’s been far too much news for me to comment on, suffice to say that politicians resisting all attempts to have some form of transparency where their expenses are concerned would suggest someone was up to something somewhere.

Obviously that’s just my opinion and there’s no evidence that anyone is breaking the law but a system whereby no-one has to produce any receipts and everything is funded by the taxpayer leads me to only one conclusion :- they’re all a bunch of self serving, grasping cunts and we’d be better off without them.

Right then, writing stuff.

Well as I said about a week ago ‘I’m Rivelino’ is finished and is with my readers. Random House haven’t, as yet, beaten down my door waving a big fat cheque but I’m ever hopeful. I have however spoken to a regional publisher who is very interested in the life story of fat geordie with a devastating line in chat though – he just needs to run it by his business partner so fingers crossed.

I’ll let you know first – watch this space.

Further to that I was recently approached by a brand new independent publisher with a view to publishing one of my short pieces on their brand new website. The publisher is ‘Byker Books’ and the page on their site is called ‘Radgepacket’ it’s designed to promote up and coming authors and as far as I’m concerned all publicity is good so I agreed to let them use ‘Blagger’.

Here’s the link – see what you think of them and let me know.

Byker Books

Anyway, that’s it for now but I’ll leave with you with a little question. I’ve got a cold and apparently that means I’ve got ‘Man Flu’ so does that mean when lasses get a sniffle they’ve got Bird Flu?

And does that mean we can cull them?

I'm Rivelino...

2008-05-21T15:46:00.003+01:00

WooHoo...I've finished it.

My seminal work on the exploits of a handsome geordie who follows his team around the country over three decades is, to quote our colonial cousins, in the can (which is probably where it'll fucking end up as well!!).

My elite team of professional readers can expect their inboxes to ping at some point over the weekend and the rest of you can expect to see it as soon as Random House give me the ten million pound advance I'm expecting.

Toodle pip

FH

An offer I wouldn't refuse...

2008-05-16T10:38:00.001+01:00

Well then, where to start today?

I’ve had a crap week work-wise, put in loads of unpaid hours with a lot more to come, been treated like a mug and generally unappreciated.

'Special' - My second novel is getting rejected left, right and centre...

I decided to spend last night working on the fourth (and hopefully final) draft of my toon book ‘I’m Rivelino’ but my internet connection went down thus stopping my research. After arsing about for an hour or so I finally admitted defeat and rang my provider to be met with a recorded message telling me they were upgrading and ‘some networks may be affected’ – that’s not what I pay for – I assume my bill will be rebated accordingly will it? Fuckers. .

Too frustrated by now to work on my book I decided to acquaint myself with ‘Photoshop’ with a view to using it on a website I’m putting together. As my copy of the program didn’t come with any manuals I’ve acquired some old ones, one of which came with a bonus disk full of tutorials and free images.

‘Brilliant’ I thought ‘progress on something anyway’ until I realised that the disk was so old that my new laptop wich runs on ‘Vista’ didn’t recognise the fucking content of the bonus disk and my version doesn’t correlate with any of the manuals.

So I’m in a right huff and contemplating paddling a canoe down Hartlepool Marina before resurfacing in Panama in the future when my phone rings…..and everything was alright again.

I’m going to be Godfather to my nephew James – get in!

Bits of Kids...

2008-05-09T12:45:00.002+01:00

I'm off back up to the toon tonight, ostensibly to ensure my little nephew is being schooled properly in the pugilistic arts but also to have a few pints in the worlds greatest city. With this in mind I thought I'd give you a sneak (and free!) preview of my latest column in 'Players Inc.' before it even hits the shops.

I could probably cover loads of stuff this issue that’ll be gone over elsewhere in the magazine. Things like all the clean sheets we’ve been keeping making all the nationally based sportswriters who’ve been pushing their own anti-Keegan agenda look a bit stupid. Or the effortless swatting aside of the makems and the subsequent non mentioning of the coveted title of ‘North East top dogs’ by a certain local paper which is normally brought up every time we slip down the league. But I decided that I’d rise above all that and won’t even mention various members of the Guardian sporting pages that have anti Newcastle tendencies and exhibit them on every possible occasion, even when they really have not got a leg to stand on. So instead, for this issue, I’m going to concentrate on the future and the work of some of our much maligned back room signings – Director of football Dennis Wise and vice-president Tony Jimenez.

Football, as we have all witnessed, has changed in the last ten years. It’s now vital to bring players through the ranks as well as buy in the big names ( something our previous chairman seemed to ignore preferring instead to bask in the glory of ‘trophy signings’) and the club seem to have recognised this and acted upon it.

The appointments of Wise and co were mocked in most quarters with elements of the national press mischeviously suggesting he was Keegans replacement but his presence, with Wor Kev’s blessing, is already being felt at the club. Our reserves clinched the Northumberland Senior Cup, with good performances from the likes of Tozer, Baheng and Kadar being pivotal to this. These players, amongst others, were brought in during January and could well be the future of our club.

It was said that Keegans biggest mistake last time around (apart from not playing me up front obviously…) was to scrap the reserve team and he would probably hold his hands up to that but youth is certainly a priority this time. Already in the last ten or so games of the season we have seen the likes of Carroll, Lua Lua, and Edgar appearing in the first team and letting no-one down with their respective contributions. There’ll be a cacophony of noise this summer, all shouting for big signings and ‘statements of intent’ but, while it’s important to invest in quality it’s also just as vital to look to the future and the new ‘management’ are obviously aware of this.

In Mike Ashley and Chris Mort we have two sensible individuals who don’t court publicity and don’t have to appease a plc which means they can take sensible long term decisions without having to put money in the pockets of shareholders (particularly those living in Gibraltar) and they both know the importance of long term investment versus short term reckless spending.

It’s my opinion (which means it’s probably wrong..ho hum) that our future’s in safe hands. Those lads that won the Northumberland Senior Cup won’t all make it, the lads appearing in the first team now and then might not last the course either (they’re all just bits of kids after all). But the fact that we’re investing so much time, effort and money in their acquisition and development in the first place means that we’ve got a lot to look forward to.

The next few years are gonna be great.

Howay the lads

Anyway, that's it for now - have a good one.

FH

Ps - I bet you thought the title of this piece referred to a cellar in Austria...

Rejected.....again!

2008-05-08T12:49:00.002+01:00

'Special', the genre defining, thrill a minute, rollercoaster ride of sex, drugs, violence and Geordie accents has been rejected again.

Just thought I'd mention it.

FH

Ps - They'll all be sorry one day!!!!!!!!

Weak Ends (see what I did there...)

2008-05-07T12:31:00.001+01:00

Couple of things this morning,

I had a good bank holiday weekend – went to ‘Indie Night’ on the Friday, an event co-promoted and co-hosted by one of my mates and that was belter. The bar he held it in had a drinks promotion on ‘Sol’ so at one point, whilst jumping about to The Jam and trying to keep my lime in my bottletop I thought I was right back in the eighties!

On Sunday of the weekend I went to ‘kill for a seat’ comedy night and watched three comics that were very, very funny – particularly the kiwi who was scared of ‘The North’… yeh mate you should be.

I went to see Pam Ann last night – for those of you who don’t know she’s an Australian comedienne who basically parodies a air hostess from the sixties. Well, she starts off like that and slips back into it now and then but in between she is filthy…..and overall, fucking hilarious.

If none of you’ve ever heard of her then she’s well worth going to see.

Anyway, no writing stuff happening other than the imment finishing of my third book ‘I’m Rivelino’ and the subsequent raft of rejections I’ll undoubtedly get….

See you later.

PS – My boss is getting knocked out today – not necessarily by me though!

Writing News...

2008-04-29T13:29:00.002+01:00

Afternoon boys and girls long time no see,

I've been busy lately hence the lack of posts but it's been for a worthwhile cause...basically me.

I'm starting to edit the fourth and final draft of the seminal and definitive working class autobiography 'I'm Rivelino - A life of two halves' and thanks to focussing all my time and energy on it lately it's got to this stage right on the deadline I set myself originally.

Anyway, if you want to read some extracts before the world goes mad for it and you can't get a copy then have a look here (it's my proper website) :-

Rivs proper website where he doesn't use the C word much

Let me know how you get on.

Rivs

Everything is Average nowadays - part 7

2008-04-21T11:29:00.002+01:00

Local elections and lying cunts on my doorstep, bosses who are a complete fucking joke and appear to get off on having some sort of power over you, Ashley Cole (hate the cheating twat – have done ever since he went through a phase of going down holding his face to get people sent off), publishers who don’t get back to you when they say they will, Students, the British Media, Idiots who believe everything they read in the aforementioned British media, Jeremy Kyle – the worst kind of hypocrite, Kerry Katona – mouthy fat bint, Chris Moyles – no particular reason just that he’s a fat bully who died on his arse at the Brits when faced with a live crowd and none of his sycophants to back him up, Politicians – all fucking scum, HR people who cover for their mates and make everyone else’s lives miserable in the process, bad backs that stop you training, hangovers…in foreign cities…in the sunshine, Makems, Football columnists in newspapers that should know better than to slag off certain managers before they’ve even had a chance to sort out the shite they’ve inherited but then go really quiet and can’t bring themselves to admit they’re wrong when the manager in question wins four games out of five – wankers, did I mention politicians?

All shite - Fact.

Spanish Ayes...

2008-04-15T15:25:00.001+01:00

Afternoon all, I haven’t posted much over the last few days as I spent the weekend in Barcelona…yeah I know, I’m a cosmopolitan, windswept and interesting kinda guy.

As it happens I lived and worked in Barca (that’s what us locals call it) back in the day and had a great time. My job was on a building site and involved a lot of blagging on my part, think Auf Wiedersehen Pet, particularly when Neville was pretending to be a chippie, and you’ve got the idea.

Anyway, my weekend there was just as good as it always is (I’ve been a few times in the last six or seven years for various reasons) and I had a top time. Highlights included :-

Getting a lock in at a very local bar
Eating mountains of tapas
Visiting the hotel I built for the first time in fifteen years
Discovering I could still speak conversational Spanish (well, I can order a sandwich!)
And of course, necking copious amounts of Cerveza

Nothing much happened on the publishing front while I was away but I’m sure there’ll be developments soon.

In the meantime I'm thinking of scribbling a quirky travel book on my second favourite city – I might call it ‘Spanish Ayes...A weekend in the life of Julio Geordio’

Adios muchachos.

Good causes...

2008-04-08T07:59:00.003+01:00

In an attempt to gain back some 'good karma' points from the big lad upstairs I have agreed to help out someone less fortunate than myself - ie a Spurs fan!

Basically there's a charity auction of a signed Newcastle Shirt (which won't be of interest to at least two of my regulars - philistines that they are) which won't actually cost people too much money and will benefit the Merlin Project (A multiple sclerosis charity) - see below for the details.

Hi mate First of all, congrats on a great site. I'm actually a Spurs fan living in Newcastle (so I guess I owe you another congrats for tanking us a couple of weeks ago!).

Anyway - I have a current squad signed NUFC shirt, which I'm putting up for a "reverse bid" auction for charity. I wonder if you'd be kind enough to advertise it on your site, please? There's a £2.50 entry fee (per bid - so if you donate a tenner, you can bid four times). The person with the lowest unique bid wins the shirt. This is the same shirt that retailed in the club shop in Eldon Square for £350and comes with a certificate of authenticity from the club. The frame alone is worth £100, and stands 1.15m tall and is signed by the current squad. The charity is for Multiple Sclerosis care - the Merlin Project. They are a joy to work with, as they are always so genuinely and personally grateful for any funding through events such as this.

http://www.merlinproject.org.uk (registered charity number 1093691).

The auction is now up, and closes on Sunday May 4, so people have four weeks to put their bids in. With each donation of £2.50 or more, as long as they've given a valid e-mail address, they get an acknowledgement e-mail with instructions on how to bid.

The page is all set up and running at: http://www.justgiving.com/spursornothing

(Forgive the URL! After May 5 we'll be focussing on Tottenham, but wanted to make use of your own club's generosity and great fans first).

If anyone, including your site members, have any questions, I'm happy for them to contact me direct at this e-mail. Thanks for your time in reading this, and for the continued work on your website - I know what a hard job it is! I hope you're able to help us. all the best, - Si Twining www.SpursOrNothing.co.uk

Apathetic democratic...

2008-04-07T12:57:00.001+01:00

It’s all going to kick off in Zimbabwe any day now – you can just see it can’t you?

Mugabe has obviously been beaten in the election but is staying put anyway, and, as he controls most of the armed forces, I think there’ll be an awful lot of blood spilt before he leaves the presidents office.

Why am I bringing this up?

Well it struck me last night that, while the rest of the world wrings it’s hands about an unelected dictator wrecking the lives of the majority of his countrymen and looking after his sycophants financially, no-one in this country ever voted for Gordon Brown did they?

So whilst his mp’s award themselves big pay rises and use their unchallenged expenses claims (paid for by us, the taxpayers) to fund their tv licences and the like we can sit back safe in the knowledge that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe.

It’s not like prices are going up every day and only a privileged few have much cash in their pockets is it…..shit!

Ps – Charlton Heston used to proudly stand at those Gun Control meetings in America and raise his rifle, proclaiming loudly that if they wanted to stop him owning a gun they’d have to ‘prise it from my cold dead hands’ – shouldn’t be too much of problem now should it.

Writing News...

2008-03-31T13:22:00.000+01:00

I've finally finished the first draft of 'Magpie Ranger' (woohoo!!) and am starting the first major edit/rewrite - I'm also thinking of changing the title (it never rains eh...) and will be sending copies out to my readers soon before beginning the soul destroying but very exciting process of contacting publishers.

Don't worry though - I won't pretend I don't know you when I'm A List...

Onward and upward.

Teacher Comforts...

2008-03-27T12:25:00.003Z

Schools have been in the news this week as the National Union of Teachers have held their annual conference. Predictably they've went right over the top in an effort to get themselves on the telly and appear 'controversial' as ex-students are wont to do when they're trying to be more 'wacky and zany' than their counterparts.

Having said that I think two of their proposals went too far and cost them any respect they may have had left in this country -: they want Imams (muslim clerics) to come in and give lectures, studying of the Koran to become commonplace and christian assembles dropped. They also want the armed forces banned from having any kind of presence in schools - their argument being that their literature and promotional material is misleading. In fact one of them - Paul McGarr, An utter prick if I've ever seen one - summed up his whole unions contempt for our armed services by sneering 'Join the army and we will send you to bomb, shoot and torture human beings.'

Call me pedantic but isn't that exactly what militant muslims clerics promote in their teachings about anyone they don't like?

I know some teachers and they've always seemed fairly well balanced to me so is their union speaking for them all or is it, as I suspect, a few ex-students who couldn't get laid at university blaming everyone else for their own inadequacies?

Answers on a postcard to the NUT - well assuming you left school able to read and write, not a given these days.

Hoo man am gasping...

2008-03-25T12:42:00.002Z

Apparently some government minister (I don't know which one and don't really care - they're all inept, greedy, out of touch and fucking incompetent) has decreed that cigarettes should not be on display in shops and should be sold from 'under the counter' - brilliant!

Bearing in mind this is a legal product that the government makes an absolute fortune on in tax (with which to furnish asylum seekers with cars and houses) and it seems ludicrous that people who use it should be demonised in this way - I'm a non smoker incidentally so don't think I'm pursuing my own agenda here.

The thinking behind this attempt to make smokers carry a bell and shout 'unclean' as they walk down the road is that if they can't see the packets then they won't want to buy the cigs - are these fuckers for real?

If you've smoked for thirty years and have lungs resembling tar pits you're not going to be put off by asking for a packet of tabs in a brown paper bag are you?

'Can I have a copy of big tits monthly, some condoms, a tube of pile cream and a dildo - oh and (puts whispering voice on) twenty regal king size guvnor - they're for a mate.'

You couldn't make it up - I only wish I was.

Can't buy me love...

2008-03-17T15:58:00.003Z

I've just heard on the radio that Heather Mills has been awarded twenty four million english pounds as part of her divorce settlement from Paul Mcartney.

She then had the temerity to bleat that she and her daughter would be unable to travel first class any more - I must have missed the bit where she contributed to his vast fortune through her work with...??

What fucking planet does she live on? Twenty four million notes just for shagging a wrinkled old scouser a couple of times - she's been well overpaid if you ask me. I reckon if she'd been paid by her true worth she'd have to have had sex with him about...oooh...forty eight million times.

Money's too tight to mention...

2008-03-13T13:04:00.000Z

I realise I’m preaching to the converted here but yesterdays budget has simply washed over me in a wave of apathy. The reasons for this are as follows:-

Our rancid hospitals routinely kill people through their superbug infections

The Police are nowhere to be seen anymore – well unless you haven’t paid your council tax or you’ve been speeding in your car then there’s a van load of them smashing down your door.

Our courts think of criminals as victims and uphold their ‘Human Rights’ whilst disregarding ours.

Our school system is collapsing as they become lawless, violent places which churn out ever thicker, more feckless youths.

Our road and rail networks are an absolute shambles and national embarrassment.

Our Armed forces have been short changed and betrayed by the idiots who are meant to be leading them

We give money, houses and cars to anybody who turns up and utters the magic word ‘asylum’ whilst our pensioners who lived through the post war hard times and helped build this country back up die through hypothermia and are imprisoned for being unable to afford their council tax.

We are the most taxed and spied upon nation in the world (my opinion anyway)

That’s just stuff off the top of my head, there’s probably things I could write about corrupt politicians, little hitlers in council offices, the scandal of the state of refuse collection, the way fuel is twenty five pence a litre more expensive now than it was a couple of years ago and …ooh loads more stuff.

The reason I’m not going to is that I really can’t be arsed – what’s the point when politicians themselves don’t give a monkeys and spend most of their time laughing at us – well when their snouts aren’t in the trough that is.

Yesterday during the budget speech David Cameron voiced the fact that the Labour part had imposed on the people of this country ‘the heaviest tax burden in our history’

Labour’s Childrens minister Ed Balls (an apt name for an utter cock) retorted with ‘So What?’ This was then disputed by the Labour party as their mighty spin machine swung into action but he was clearly heard by many.

Mind you, as he and his partner, Minister Yvette Cooper, take over £582,892 a year in taxpayers money through their combined salaries and ‘expenses’ I don’t suppose they do give a fuck.

I don’t suppose for one minute they have to decide whether to put an extra jumper on or turn up the heating.

I don’t suppose they wonder whether they can afford to fill the car up this week.

I don’t suppose they have to make the decision to shop at Aldi or Tescos

Come election time though I’m thinking we won’t have much of a decision to make either – although, given our rich history of revolution, insurrection and civil war it might not even get that far when the fuel goes up again.

Here’s hoping eh!

Lions led by donkeys...

2008-03-06T15:37:00.001Z

I hope you’ve all swotted up on your French and German boys and girls as it’s looking like English won’t be required for much longer.

Gurning Gordon yesterday carried through the task left to him by Tony Blair and sold us out to his mates in Brussels ably assisted by the ‘leader’ of the Lib-Dems (incidentally there’ll be a highly paid, full time euro president when the new treaty is officially ratified. Guess who that’ll be? Yup, step forward Tony – penny dropping yet?)

I expect shoddy behaviour from the man in charge of a joke party like the Lib-Dems but I’m also old enough to remember when The Labour party were interested in advancing the cause of the working classes rather than feathering their own nests. I’ve never liked the Tories (mainly because I grew up in the North that Thatcher tried to kill and will therefore be drinking heavily when she dies!) but there’s no way I can consider voting for a party that consistently lies, cheats and is only interested in taking as much money as possible off me in stealth taxes.

Ministers fiddle their expenses and live in luxury while we all struggle to pay rising power, water and fuel bills before being carted off to filthy hospitals and abusive nursing homes to see out our days – what exactly happens to all that money we pay into National Insurance over our lifetimes?

What are we actually paying them foranyway? All the laws are made in Brussels now and we’re not allowed to do anything unless they give us the nod – what do they actually do in the Commons?

Anyway, I’m off to buy my French Golden Delicious by the Kilo (you go to jail if you use pounds and ounces remember) before taking out a mortgage for a litre (not a gallon) of petrol.

Vive la Revolution.

It's not what you know it's who you are...

2008-03-05T11:36:00.002Z

News has reached me of an x-factor style (ie shite!) writing competition for 'celebrities' to be televised on BBC2 - see below :-

A new "Apprentice"-style reality TV show will turn one of six celebrities into a crime author, mentored by Minette Walters and published by Pan Macmillan.

"Murder Most Famous", which will be broadcast on BBC2 during the week of World Book Day (6th March), is the brainchild of "Strictly Come Dancing" and "Dragons' Den" mastermind Richard Hopkins, m.d. of Fever Media. Hopkins hopes the programme will do for writing what "Strictly Come Dancing" did for ballroom dancing—making the subject accessible and an "entertaining prospect" as a TV format.

The series will be broadcast in five daily 45-minute episodes, and pits six celebrities—dancer Brendan Cole, actresses Sherrie Hewson and Angela Griffin, former tabloid editor Kelvin MacKenzie, presenter Matt Allwright and gardener Diarmuid Gavin—against each other.

They will be mentored by Walters, who will set a series of challenges to inspire the celebrities' daily writing tasks. Training will include dog tracking, resisting a violent attack, an autopsy, crime scene investigation, interrogation techniques and rapid pursuit of a suspect. Walters will judge the celebrities' writing efforts and eliminate one candidate each day.

The winner will turn their plot and central characters into a novel, to be published with Pan as a Quick Read on WBD 2009, in conjunction with the BBC's adult literacy campaign RaW. The proceeds will go towards BBC Children in Need.

Pan Macmillan publishing director Maria Rejt, who will edit the winning celebrity's book, said it would be "a really big, fat challenge". "Writing crime is really difficult, and they've got to do a really good job," she added.

The series is being produced by Hopkins' Fever Media, a production company backed by Sony BMG. A website will show examples of the celebrity pupils' writing (as well as Walters' critiques), video diaries and extra footage.

I'm obviously a little disconcerted by this but am split into two points of view:-

A. Another book written by a semi famous illiterate will be on the bookshelves thus denying me one more chance of making it

or

B. More people will pick up books after noticing that their favourite semi famous illiterate has a tome in the shops and the resulting profits will go towards publishing an unknown writer.

Either way I know one thing, the ghost writer employed to 'tidy up' (ie write the fucking thing...) the 'celebrity book' will be making a living whatever happens.

Swift Justice...

2008-02-26T12:56:00.001Z

Following my blast at the forces of Law and Order last week I feel I have to re-dress the balance slightly and recount an incident from Saturday night.

I had left a party along with my brother in law and our respective spouses in order to get another drink at a pub in the town where we live. Our route took us past a popular snooker club where a small crowd had gathered and a young man was removing his shirt and being restrained by his friends. Being gentlemen of the old school we naturally shepherded the ladies past the gathering and continued on our way.

After about ten paces we looked back to find that the crowd had turned into four men beating one man senseless and the boy with no shirt was nowhere to be seen.

Again, being old school, my brother in law and myself couldn’t allow four men to savagely beat one lad so we intervened, throwing the men off him and letting them know what we thought about their cowardice.

All of this had taken literally moments from our initial walking past of the club and, to the credit of the police, they were there within seconds. We walked away quickly and were passed by more lawmen running up the road to the scene.

So, in all fairness, I must applaud their reaction to what could have been a serious, even fatal incident, and I’ll leave them alone this week.

Mind you, if I get pulled at any time about it...