Agent Ex?

Are literary agents a dying breed? The time was when a would-be author would finish typing up their opus, print it all out in the manner specified by the respective agency in the Artists and Writers Yearbook, parcel it up and then spend a mint on postage before crossing their fingers and hoping that this time it would be different. Inevitably the deep sigh of disappointment that accompanied your rejection slip (not letter - slip!) would be tempered by the fact that they may actually have read this one before rejecting it (a fiver says they hadn't!) and you MUST be getting closer.

But that was then, this is the new world of E-Books, Print-On-Demand and a million small publishers (*ahem*) who print what they want with no regard for sales! (Sales? I've heard of them, can't quite place the word though...)

Seriously, why would you jump through hoops to impress someone who won't bother their arse to sell your work anyway because you're not 'current' but will take a percentage of anything you do create through your genius when you can bang it out on the Kindle and keep all of the profit yourself?

'Ah hold on you Geordie gobshite,' I hear you cry, 'agents, help with editing and contracts and that don't they.'  They certainly assist with contracts etc and some of them can get quite tricky with regard to rights and stuff but a solicitor (ie someone qualified in the law ) would look it over for a set fee and not 15% of everything you ever make from that particular book. Editing, again, is something that can be sub-contracted out but really, if you fancy yourself as an author, is also a task you should be able to do yourself.

At the end of the day writing is a business first and foremost and if you have designs on making it then you need to be able to take care of business yourself , sadly for agents it looks as though a number of writers already are - it'll be interesting to watch what happens.

AR

Proper Radgies

Alreet,

I went to the launch of Radgepacket 6 at The Back Page in Newcastle last week and it was a canny good do. Loads of the authors turned out (Darren Sant, Lee Kelly, Nick Quantrill, Pete Sortwell, Carol Fenlon, Linda Lewis, Joe Young, Craig Douglas, Luca Veste et al) and there was few famous faces past and present about as well (Sheila Quigley, Rod Glenn and Darrell Irving) some contracts were signed (Darren S again and Eileen Wharton) plenty of drink was had, tales swapped and banter exchanged - all in all a good day.

Then this week I noticed a review of the book had appeared on the 'Sabotage Review' site so I checked it out and it was a corker - have a look (SPOILER ALERT - they give away the end to Nick Q's story so divvent read that bit of you haven't read the story!)

Proper 'Radge' eh?

Later.

Hammered!

As you may recall my debut novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' was released back in 2010 to much critical acclaim and fanfare (or maybe not...) and since then it's had a steady trickle of positive reviews and comments from satisfied readers.

What's that? You don't believe me? I'm outraged...here, take a look at this latest review from the mightily well respected 'Crime Fiction Lover' website and eat a big slice of humble pie...

Maxwell's Silver Hammer 

Brit Grit Too...and a bit of a review...

Alreet,


I contributed a story to a charity anthology entitled 'Brit Grit Too' some time ago and then promptly forgot all about it (I'm a busy man ye kna!) Anyway, it's out on the Kindle and it's cheap so have a look.


I was reminded of it recently when someone pointed me to a review of said anthology in which the reviewer said : 'Andy Rivers' superb Geraldine comes immediately to mind. A twisted tale of football fans and murder, told with real sympathy (underneath the macho exterior) and a genuine voice. The narrator honestly feels like somebody I've met and forgotten.'


Here's a link to the full review in case you think I'm talking nonsense. 

Canny eh? Now buy my books and see if he's talking shite!! ;-)

More Clubmen.....

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club


Knocker

Christmas Time

Santa’s a swine

He didn’t bring

Me bike last time

With logs on the fire

And a bat by the stair

He’s getting knocked out

If I don’t get one this year…

KNOCKER…GET OFF THAT FUCKING MICROPHONE AND TURN THAT CLIFF RICHARD RECORD OFF – THE TURN’S ON IN A MINUTE…

Heh heh heh…

Everything is average nowadays - part 11

Fat Charva pikey neighbours who, after years of behaving like feral teenagers, suddenly decide that, with the onset of their second child to a different bloke, they'll 'nest' culminating in huge gaps in the hedge that protects you from seeing their fat, ugly, spotty, white bread, junk food ravaged faces because the thick cunt she's shacked up with now doesn't have English as his first language and doesn't understand 'stop cutting the roots away you prick'; E-on, the energy supplier, rude customer service and stupid bastards in charge - we're gone you fuckers; Students - wankers; People who moaned about Adam Ant when we went to see him in concert - you know who you are you un-rock n roll huckle; Chris Moyles - just hate the unfunny fat prick; AOL - not only barefaced robbing bastards who promise you one thing and then try to charge you for another before going very quiet when you catch them out they also palm you off with shit routers that only work intermittently before claiming it's your line that's to blame - well it worked fine before I switched routers you bunch of fucking dildo's; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; The Daily Express or as it should be called now The Channel 5 programme guide; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, scum; And Finally...drivers who don't indicate - why? I'm not a mind-reader and you've got your kids in that car. Is it so much effort to flick the stalk on the side of your wheel you incompetent cunt? Is stuffing crisps into your fat face more important than me knowing which exit you're coming off at the roundabout as I put my two tons of killing machine into gear and pull out in your path...tosser!

Right, feel better for that - go and watch the match now - no way I'll get narked with Pardew is charge is there......

Murder? Bollocks man.

I've just read in the news that a bloke in Manchester has been arrested on suspicion of murder after stabbing an intruder in his home. On further reading I discovered that there were two men in the gentlemans house and that in the ensuing struggle one of them died after being stabbed with his OWN knife.

The police, as is their whole reason for getting up in the morning, nicked the householder as fast as they possibly could - doubtless knocking one out in the squad car on the way back at the thought of ticking two boxes on their target form for the month.

However, what concerns me most is this - if the householder stabbed the intruder with his own knife how can that possibly be construed as murder? I thought murder involved 'malice aforethought' and some form of general planning. Am I worng or did the householder really plan it all in advance? Did he break into the intruders house and plant the knife in his coat pocket next to his balaclava and knuckle duster? Did he send his wife and child to the shops at the exact time he knew they'd be coming in through the window? Did he sit by the door night after night, hoping against hope that someone would break in so he could 'murder' them just like he'd planned to all along.....or are the police in this country just making shit up now....answers on a postcard please to thiscountrysfucked@thankstonyblairyoucunt.com

I can see a liar....

Since knifing Chris Hughton in the back in order to take his job Alan Pardew has been vocal about everything concerned with Newcastle United. There are those who think he's a bare-faced liar who will say anything to get out of whatever question he's just been asked, those who think he's simply a foolish dupe who has been hired to be Ashley's scapegoat as he's thick as fuck and a tiny minority who think that he's a capable football manager and that spending most of his career in the lower divisions before being sacked by league two Southampton for being shit was ideal preparation for managing the third best supported club in England.

Well, you know me, I'm all about giving people a chance to dig their own graves - so let's examine some of the drivel he's spouted shall we :-

• David Beckham is a player who could wear a Newcastle shirt I think. (Jan 06/11)

Aye right.

• We have given the answer to anyone who has contacted us that he's not for sale - it's as simple as that, I can't say strongly enough that Andy Carroll will not leave in this window, 100 per cent. (Jan 06/11)

Pants on fire Alan you big fibber.

• 'Look, this money has to be reinvested in the team. All of it,'" Pardew said. "And he assured me of that. That is the most important message I can give Newcastle fans today. I talked to Mike 15 minutes ago to clarify that and he was pretty clear. The money will be Andy's legacy to the team. (Feb01/11)

Note the word 'TEAM' - not 'Club' or 'training ground' or 'wages for a free transfer who's shit anyway'

• "We want to secure Kevin - I certainly do," (May 23/11)
• My opinion is that we couldn't give Kevin a five-year contract because, if Kevin isn't playing first-team football, he isn't going to be the leader we want, I'm convinced of that (July 05/11)

Change of mind Al??

• there will be another striker coming in. We’re poised to do what we can and I still think we can bring in another two offensive players. (Jul 05/11)

This is after we signed Demba Ba Pardew fans - so yes he was talking shite.

There's fucking loads more but I really can't be arsed spending time on someone who thinks we're as thick as pigshit and believe everything he says - particularly his new 'oh poor me, it's not my fault' act.

so what's the verdict I hear you ask, well here's one more 'cos I think you already know what I think of Ashleys puppet...

• We need to bring players in Newcastle fans love that can get you out of your seat (May 23/11)

Possibly the only time he's told the truth - attendances are currently 10,000 down with more set to chuck it in after the lies about bringing a striker in - nice one Al, you really have got bums off seats you clueless cockney cunt!

My Old Man's a Club Man.....

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club

Sid
It’s that Mugabe that’s to blame like. Oh Aye, that bugger and his power hungry ways. That’s why we cannit get a cheap pint in here any more. I saw it on the news last neet that the knacker’s driven that many farmers out of business in Zimbabwe that ye cannit get a loaf of bread ower there for less than ten million poond or summat.
So, I was talking to Knocker like, ye kna Knocker man his dad’s an ex-pitman and his mam was a land girl, you dee man he sells them Viagras on a Friday night to the lads with the droop at closing time? Anyways I was talking to him aboot it and he reckons, and this is gospel cos he heard it at Morrisons on Shields Road off that bloke who’s in the TA and he knas a couple of the special squad who’ve been parachuted into Africa a couple of times, he reckons that this means the price of yeast has went right up roond the world and all.
That’s why the brewery has put the price of special up to seventy eight pence, SEVENTY EIGHT Pence you kna, I’m a bloody pensioner me. It’s disgusting it is. I’ll have to turn the heating doon again if I want to keep drinking.
Aye it’s all that Mugabe’s fault the bastard – nee wonder they want him oot

Red, Red whine...

Alreet,

How was your weekend then? Still getting over mine to be honest. Went to the Fairport Convention festival at Cropredy on thursday to see UB40 (my brother-in-law is a cousin of the saxophonist-get me eh!) and stayed till Sunday taking in the likes of The Coral, Hayseed Dixie, Seasick Steve and many more. I also took in a boatload of drink and managed to miss Badly Drawn Boy cos I was at a party that featured a covers band that were fucking ace!

All in all a top weekend. Newcastle even managed to not get beat somehow despite fielding a team of french journeymen, I think we're going to see 'Nil' a lot after the words 'Newcastle United' this season - thanks Mike, hope the £35 million isn't burning too big a hole in your pocket you lying fat cunt.

My books are going well on the Kindle - not as well as if you'd all got a copy though eh.... (right for the jugular - should be on the apprentice me like!)

And that's aboot it. Right, where's the aspirins?

Cool as Puck...

As you know I'm a bit of a working class, council estate type of lad and don't have much time for pretentious shite so the word 'Shakespeare' has tended to make my eyes glaze over in the past - well no more!

I went to a production of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' in Oxford yesterday. The setting, in a quadrangle in one of the colleges surrounded by various dreaming spires, was magnificent and I managed to blag a free drink (you can take the lad out of Byker...etc.) both things that would have ensured a good day anyway but they paled into insignificance in comparison with the play itself. Obviously the Olde English text of the play is a bit of a problem but you get what's going on easily enough and the actors were brilliant - funny as fuck.

The highlight however was when a scantily clad, nubile young lady playing the part of 'Puck' the mischevious fairy dragged me on stage for what can only be described as a medieval lap dance!! I kid you not, as the audience looked on in amusement I had a young lady in stockings and suspenders draped all over me (see the pic) , followed by a kiss on the cheek and a smack on the arse - did it all really happen or was it just a dream...

I've decided now that, despite all of my teachers best efforts at making him dry and inaccessible, Shakespeare's for me.




Pucking marvellous!

Radgeness Abounds...

Alreet,

It's been a while I know. This has been partly down to laziness, partly down to busyness but mainly down to being blocked out of my account by Blogger...cheers like you plums!!

Anyway, I went to a funeral yesterday, I won't go into the whys and wherefores you just need to know this - it was an Irish one...and my head is fucked!

Therefore there will be no spleen venting, anecdote recalling or general banter today, just a reminder that Radgepacket Four is being launched at the weekend in the toon (see below) and I'll be there. Pop along for a natter if you want.

Oh, and bring ya wallet!

Later

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Chris Moyles - Unfunny fat prick who tried to 'wittily' mock Terry Wogan at a recent 'do' only to find that, as ever, when he hasn't got a script and a bunch of chortling sycophants his 'banter' is seen for the plain humourless rudeness that it really is...oh and Wogan wipes the floor with your listening figures you fucking obese knobjockey so fuck off; Boilers that cease to work properly in winter despite you only having them for five poxy years - moral of story, never, ever buy a Potterton boiler as they're shit and the company don't want to know; Spammers who try to flood your blog with adverts for Viagra, hoo man we're all proper blokes on here and we can all get hard ons without assistance, find a mackem site and they'll welcome you with open arms; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; Sozzled charvas complete with requisite 'leisure wear' and gold sitting behind you at premier boxing events - wankers; People who mob supermarkets, walk slowly, stop without warning, hit you with their trolleys and try to buy everything they can see just cos it's Christmas - IT ONLY CLOSES FOR ONE FUCKING DAY YOU BUNCH OF SHEEP; Their fat, ungrateful offspring who whine on and on whilst blocking your way to the booze - just shut up and move out of my way you X Factor fodder; Students, no reason just fucking hate them; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, absolute scum of the earth - no explanantion needed; And Finally...Jordan AKA Katie Price AKA spiritual leader of Britain's charva classes ...look love, you're not pretty, all that plastic isn't sexy and you come across like the most horrible woman in the world do yourself, and more importantly your kids (remember them eh?) a favour and put some clothes on, cease ya whining and stop behaving like an out of control slag... then give Kerry Katona a ring to arrange some etiquette lessons you monstrous fucking shrieking harridan!

Ah that's better, spleen vented and calm returning.

That's it from me for 2009 kids. I hope you all have a good Christmas and a prosperous 2010.

Cheers

Joined up government?

Does anything actually work like it's supposed to in this country?

The Transport System. You can't drive anywhere without half the roads being closed or full of traffic cones that cause tailbacks and make you slow to a crawl so workers that aren't actually there are protected...and don't get me started on the fucking abortion that is the train service.

The child protection mob - whatever they're called. They aren't fit for purpose whichever way you look at it as every day brings another story of some poor little sod being abused in one way or another and another head of whichever department for pointless jobs hanging on for the payoff without even apologising.

The DSS. Apparently there's ELEVEN BILLION (that's eleven thousand million!) pounds spent every year from the public purse on disability benefits but the government are actually aware that 75% of them are faking it - that's about 8 Billion quid's worth! - they've just chosen to ignore it for the last decade...mind you there's an election coming up isn't there so doubtless they'll soon start talking a good game. Having said that, try paying many thousands of pounds into the system over the years through a series of well paid jobs and then get some back when you're made redundant through no fault of your own - persona non grata then ... bitter? Moi?

Democracy. In every other country it works like this :- you vote for who you want in charge and whoever gets the most votes then gets to rip off the most money until the next election. In this half arsed place we've went for the Zimbabwe option - no-one voted for the fucking gimp in charge (Brown or Mandelson, take your pick) but he's still taxing us to the hilt and giving what little spare we've got left to his euro mates.

The Armed Forces. Not a dig at them more the fucking donkeys who control them. If you take the decision to go to war and endanger the lives of thousand of brave men and women then you do it properly. You give them the best kit, the most firepower and excellent planning. Any of that happened for our boys and girls? Has it fuck. Do the politicians care? Do they fuck.

The Royal Mail. They can just fuck off the whingeing, soon to be closed down and out of a job because they're so greedy bunch of knobs.

Right, my spleen feels pretty much vented, I'm having a cup of tea.

Later.

I'm a bit narked me like...

Alreet kids,

I've just been reading a lot of the reporting on Wor Bobby Robsons memorial yesterday and have to say that I find it a little hypocritical of the various media types,and especially their editors, to be talking about the man in such glowing terms.

They seem to forget that when he was Newcastle manager they mocked him for basically being over 65. They took the piss at every possible opportunity because he couldn't remember names and they got themselves all in a moral frenzy every time a Newcastle player did something wrong and implied it was down to Bobby 'losing the dressing room' - don't recall them saying owt like that when Gerrard lamped that bloke three times on cctv recently mind, must depend which club you're at eh?

When the fat leech that ran/milked our club at the time of Bobby's sacking publicly humiliated and shafted him, his equally odious mate Douglas Hall came out with 'Robson was taking us down' and the majority of the Southern based national media nodded their heads in sage acquisence.

Looking back further, the editors of these self same Southern based national newspapers crucified Robson when he was England manager, despite him being the second best national manager ever, usually for the crime of never having managed West Ham or Tottenham.

So, to see the thousands of words written yesterday idolising the man they once villified just sums up the state of this nations media and sadly, the people it's aimed at, the junk food, instant fix, 'reality tv' brigade.

Hypocritical, dishonest and idiotic - both the media and the tabloid fodder it serves.

Fuck them all.

Ps - Mike Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend yesterday - more classy behaviour from the fat cockney pikey that has wrecked a once great English Football Club. You might not have read about that like as Newcastle is a long way from Fleet Street and Wapping.

Life On Mars?

My Name is Fast Hands. I've been on holiday. When I came back I was in 1947 and Dame Vera Lynn was No.1. Am I in a coma or just going mad? Now I know I have to get back to 2009 with it's ineffectual police, amoral politicians and Chris fucking Moyles.

Actually, bollocks to that, think I'll stay here. Altogether now:-

We'll meet again...

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Whichever senior politician made the scottish bloke release the Lockerbie bomber in exchange for an oil deal further down line - amoral scum; The yanks who are getting all twisty faced about it when they funded various terror groups for years causing the deaths of hundreds of innocents - not such a fucking laugh now boys is it; Mike Ashley - no explanation needed but I hope he manages to impale himself on something rusty sometime soon; Being fucked about by firms who virtually promise you jobs then, after you've had two interviews and they've creamed themselves over you, bring someone else in at the death and tell you to fuck off - cunts; Students; Unbelievably thick plebs in little Oxfordshire towns who'll find out where you're from and proceed to aggressively slag off the North in the name of humour before proudly telling you they support Man Utd and then can't understand it when you piss yourself laughing at them; People who haven't yet bought a copy of the finest football book ever written, 'I'm Rivelino' HINT HINT; Chris Moyles (bet you thought I'd forgot!); Neighbours that have got apple trees that fire their fruit all over your new patio; People who loudly proclaim that they only drink one brand of lager and all the rest is just piss - fuck off they're all basically the same you pretentious twat; My coffee table - I've just walked into it and I think I've broken my leg.....

Fuckin hell...

Harriet...fuck off Man.

Alreet,

Been a bit of while hasn’t it – sorry about that but they’ve decided at work that they’d like me to actually earn the pittance they give me every month so I’ve been driving a lorry up and down the A5 a lot recently.

Anyway, nowt’s changed really. My blockbusting, warts and all, tongue in cheek, look at the life of a football supporter ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is still coming out in August and if you’re good I’ll give you a mention when I’m on Jonathan Ross.

I went to see ‘The Specials’ in Birmingham a few weeks back and had a great time, ending up in Wolverhampton at my favourite club in all the world. The next day was a tad challenging though. Remember on the news a while back about a bloke who was handcuffed to a car steering wheel and the car was filled with gas bottles? Well the car was on the track south of Birmingham New Street train station and I was in there…trying to get my train home…which is south of the station….Bugger!

I’ve noticed also that Labour minister Harriet Harman is pushing a bill through Parliament that will make it legal to discriminate against white men! That’s the Labour party that was formed purely to protect the working classes, which at the time of it’s inception, was mainly white men – still they’ve had our money now though haven’t they.

I think someone ought to point out to her that the last fucker to try this shite was a shortarse Austrian who thought he could get away with demonising a certain section of the community back in the 1930’s …and look what happened to him…..

Politicians – all scum.

Later

Chasing Cars...and other shite.

Alreet kids, how’s it gannin?

Not much going on this week really. I’ve been working on my latest novel ‘Chasing Cars’ and as a special treat if you click on the link below you ‘ll see the prologue…well, until I re-write it anyway!


Chasing Cars

The toon got their first point under Big Al against Stoke. Dire match like but Carroll made all the difference when he came on I thought- we started winning headers and everything.

I’ve been thinking about fate a lot recently as well – it bothers me that my life might have been pre-determined before I was even born. It would explain some stuff but would also nark me beyond belief cos that would mean that every decision I ever made meant nowt doesn’t it? I could have just sat on my fat, Geordie arse and let it all happen without lifting a finger – seems to work for most of the tabloid fodder in this country anyway – and got to where I am now without breaking sweat.

So with that in mind I tried selling me soul to the devil but the fucker wasn’t interested - turns out I haven’t got one…..

Aye, I’m bored…..

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 9

Politicians who are getting all hysterical about Fred Goodwin’s gold plated pension deal and are demanding that he ‘does the right thing’ – don’t make me laugh you amoral, corrupt, grasping cunts, the hypocrisy emanating from you self righteous fuckers is sickening; Mike Ashley – we’re going down, you caused it, don’t try to convince us otherwise you nepotistic fat wanker; Chris Moyles – no particular reason this time I just fucking hate him; Cats that drag dead birds into your garden and leave them there – hope the fox gets you and does the same you little twats; Regional news that isn’t actually about your region – what’s that all about; Dennis Wise – Mike Ashleys gay lover; Agent Million from the Premium Bonds – he appears to have lost my address; People on Facebook who earnestly join every ‘cause’ going and feel the need to send these ‘causes’ on to me – fuck off, I don’t care; Whoever decided the Euro should be worth the same as the pound thus fucking up my little trip to Berlin; Joe Kinnear – Mike Ashleys dad; Whoever ‘slimed’ Peter Mandelson – she should have fucking punched him, missed opportunity there methinks; Derek Llambias – Mike Ashley’s bookie; All the left wing worthy’s who are jumping on the ‘Slumdog Millionaire is just poverty porn and it’s wrong’ bandwagon – fuck off it’s a good film and you’re just trying to be alternative, you sad, polo neck jumper wearing, ex-student, fuckwits; Whoever invented gardening – tosspot.

Aah – that’s better. Carry on.