Everything is average nowadays - part 4

Having David Brent as your real life boss; School holidays - six weeks? Get them sweeping fucking chimneys; People who think motorsport is an actual sport rather than a procession of overpriced chunks of metal; Middle class affectees of working class accents - eg Lily Allen; Anybody who tries to talk to me about Big Brother or the attention seeking plums who've been on it;Chris Martin, Bono, Bob Geldof and all of the other bleeding hearts who can't wait to give the world their views when there's a disaster on the other side of the globe but haven't opened their mouths once while their own countrymen are dying - hypocritical bastards; My fat, shell suit wearing, cockney neighbours; People who dump tab ends on the pavement outside pubs; Dafties who let their dogs loose whilst I'm walking my brother in laws thirteen stone rhodesian ridgeback - what do they think's going to happen; Polish Immigrants who dislike whichever shitty bedsit they're living in so much that they've turned my local park into an extension of their garden and sit there drinking most evenings; Coppers who, despite the aforementioned drinking being a contravention of a local byelaw, are too scared to do anything about it - try parking in the wrong place though and there'll be a riot van straight on you; Students; That Mika nob who sings about big girls being beautiful - they're not, they're scary; Politicians obviously and finally, ridiculously out of touch Judges that think an ASBO or a community sentence is any kind of deterrent to anybody - anyone who wishes to join the judiciary should be made to live on a council estate with these twats for a year as part of their training, we might see some proper sentences then (mind you it's not like there's any prisons to put the shitbags anyway is it).

Bucketnuts the lot of them!

Charity begins at home.

I have a lot of thirty something readers of this blog and I wonder if they recall, as I do, images on our telly screens in the eighties of third world countries. Pictures of desolation and disaster, human suffering and people dying through a lack of water. It moved Messrs Geldof and Ure to organise Band aid and Live aid, worthy attempts at helping that spawned a thousand copycats, and to raise millions of pounds.

I've been watching the same desolation, disaster and human suffering on my screen just lately, only this time it's in BRITAIN!!! A country that used to be known as Great but is now little more than a third world country itself (thanks Tone) - at this point I'd normally go into one about how our politicians have basically destroyed this country but not today, today I'm asking another question.

If all of these hand wringing worthys in the public eye can raise millions of pounds of aid for Africa (and fill the pockets of their corrupt leaders) then where are these famous actors, comedian, singers and 'celebrities' when their own countrymen are dying?

THE SILENCE IS FUCKING DEAFENING!!!

Newcastle 4 - 1 Celtic

The mighty toon have just given the scottish champions a good hiding, this feat, by a team that finished below midtable in the premiership, is impressive enough but when you take into account the fact that we finished the game with ten men and the reserve team keeper playing upfront on his own then it shows you just how poor scottish football is.

I'm sure our caledonian cousins will be shouting about it only being a friendly but as we all know, Celtic don't play friendlies, they wanted to win this and couldn't get past our team of academy lads, reserves and crocks - yet another jacobite rebellion stopped in it's tracks by the geordies!!

I cannit wait for the new season me like.

Flock off Shepherd!!!

Well he's finally gone...I feel as though a curse has been lifted from our club, a cancerous growth removed or a dead weight lifted. He has had some supporters over the years, deluded fools that came out with the same shite every time 'oh but he's always backed his managers' totally and deliberately missing the point that he was spending OUR money. He only ever put around £75k into the club and has walked away with the thick end of £35 million!!

Anyway, lest we forget just why we hate the fat pikey so much here's a little (not exhaustive) list to refer back to whenever you find yourself in conversation with any idiot who thinks he was okay:-

• He called all Newcastle fans mugs
• He called all Geordie women dogs
• He indulged in some shady, nepotistic practices that involved the club leasing back a warehouse they previously owned and losing a fortune on the deal
• The Michael Owen - Youtube thing
• Undermining his managers - Sir Bobby specifically
• Licking Douglas Hall's arse repeatedly
• Buying and selling players without the knowledge of his managers

And finally, the reason for which I would hate him regardless of anything else...he employed Graeme fucking Souness!!!

Bye Freddy, don't let the door slam your fat arse on the way out.

Writing News

Afternoon All,

I've had a few problems logging on thanks to the floods - the telephone exchange where I live was flooded and most of the town couldn't get on the net. Incidentally, did you know that £14 million was cut from the country's flood defence budget last year, I'm glad the idiot who did that isn't running the country...ooops!!

Anyway, as promised here are the reviews my short play has received thus far from the members of The Live Theatre in Newcastle:-

lou_onix - 24th Jul
hi andy
really enjoyed this piece, davy is so well realised i had a crystal clear picture of him in my mind as i read. i would agree that some of the dialogue was perhaps a bit long and speech-like - would these characters be making speeches in that situation? but what was said rang true. i don't know that davy's girlfriend really needs someone else to be leaving him for, that name dropped in, maybe she would leave him just because of who he (still) is.
and yes, i'm interested to know the subject of your novels! do tell...

Darrell - 23rd Jul
Hello Andy,
Just read your play and thought i'd comment on how much i liked it. Being in my thirties myself the character Davy is one who i've encountered and mocked for years, so seeing him in print made me chuckle.
The play was light hearted and good for your first effort( i think you wrote that it was), if i was overly critical i'd say that some of the dialogue may have been a touch long.
You said you've wrote a couple of books, are these based around similar characters?

rach - 20th Jul
Going to do the cut and paste job, don’t ask. I liked the thirty something charaterisations, they seemed almost based on experience, in fact I’m sure I was at that very rave with Dave. I felt like I knew these people personally. The dialogue flowed and the timing worked well. I thought the play worked well as a short comedy, good stuff.

So far so good eh - I'll let you know if owt else is said.

See you later

Rivs

Money for nothing...

After thirteen months and one million pounds of public money the inquiry into the cash for honours scandal has concluded that no-one involved in this tawdry affair need be charged with any crime. Imagine that, an investigative body that is controlled by the state coming to the conclusion that the former head of the aforementioned state is as ‘clean as a whistle guvnor’ – why didn’t they just doff their caps as they left the room?

As regular readers will know, I am of the opinion that all politicians are lower than a snake’s belly and that, along with most of the country, I don’t trust or believe them whatsoever. I am assuming some journalist with integrity somewhere along the line will ask the searching questions about pressure being brought to bear on the police and whether money ever changed hands. For me though, a lowly serf in a country where you have to have money to register on our leader’s radar, there is only one question to be asked.

What odds will I get on a member of the police team getting an MBE in the next year?

Writing News

I got an email last night letting me know that the abridged version of my play 'I no longer hear the music' is now being displayed on the Newcastle Live Theatre website (you have to sign up to view it) allowing members to comment and critique it. As a lot of you won't be able to access it to slag me off I'll post the various comments it recieves on here, both good and bad.

Bit scary really!