Everything is average nowadays - part 11

Fat Charva pikey neighbours who, after years of behaving like feral teenagers, suddenly decide that, with the onset of their second child to a different bloke, they'll 'nest' culminating in huge gaps in the hedge that protects you from seeing their fat, ugly, spotty, white bread, junk food ravaged faces because the thick cunt she's shacked up with now doesn't have English as his first language and doesn't understand 'stop cutting the roots away you prick'; E-on, the energy supplier, rude customer service and stupid bastards in charge - we're gone you fuckers; Students - wankers; People who moaned about Adam Ant when we went to see him in concert - you know who you are you un-rock n roll huckle; Chris Moyles - just hate the unfunny fat prick; AOL - not only barefaced robbing bastards who promise you one thing and then try to charge you for another before going very quiet when you catch them out they also palm you off with shit routers that only work intermittently before claiming it's your line that's to blame - well it worked fine before I switched routers you bunch of fucking dildo's; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; The Daily Express or as it should be called now The Channel 5 programme guide; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, scum; And Finally...drivers who don't indicate - why? I'm not a mind-reader and you've got your kids in that car. Is it so much effort to flick the stalk on the side of your wheel you incompetent cunt? Is stuffing crisps into your fat face more important than me knowing which exit you're coming off at the roundabout as I put my two tons of killing machine into gear and pull out in your path...tosser!

Right, feel better for that - go and watch the match now - no way I'll get narked with Pardew is charge is there......

Murder? Bollocks man.

I've just read in the news that a bloke in Manchester has been arrested on suspicion of murder after stabbing an intruder in his home. On further reading I discovered that there were two men in the gentlemans house and that in the ensuing struggle one of them died after being stabbed with his OWN knife.

The police, as is their whole reason for getting up in the morning, nicked the householder as fast as they possibly could - doubtless knocking one out in the squad car on the way back at the thought of ticking two boxes on their target form for the month.

However, what concerns me most is this - if the householder stabbed the intruder with his own knife how can that possibly be construed as murder? I thought murder involved 'malice aforethought' and some form of general planning. Am I worng or did the householder really plan it all in advance? Did he break into the intruders house and plant the knife in his coat pocket next to his balaclava and knuckle duster? Did he send his wife and child to the shops at the exact time he knew they'd be coming in through the window? Did he sit by the door night after night, hoping against hope that someone would break in so he could 'murder' them just like he'd planned to all along.....or are the police in this country just making shit up now....answers on a postcard please to thiscountrysfucked@thankstonyblairyoucunt.com

I can see a liar....

Since knifing Chris Hughton in the back in order to take his job Alan Pardew has been vocal about everything concerned with Newcastle United. There are those who think he's a bare-faced liar who will say anything to get out of whatever question he's just been asked, those who think he's simply a foolish dupe who has been hired to be Ashley's scapegoat as he's thick as fuck and a tiny minority who think that he's a capable football manager and that spending most of his career in the lower divisions before being sacked by league two Southampton for being shit was ideal preparation for managing the third best supported club in England.

Well, you know me, I'm all about giving people a chance to dig their own graves - so let's examine some of the drivel he's spouted shall we :-

• David Beckham is a player who could wear a Newcastle shirt I think. (Jan 06/11)

Aye right.

• We have given the answer to anyone who has contacted us that he's not for sale - it's as simple as that, I can't say strongly enough that Andy Carroll will not leave in this window, 100 per cent. (Jan 06/11)

Pants on fire Alan you big fibber.

• 'Look, this money has to be reinvested in the team. All of it,'" Pardew said. "And he assured me of that. That is the most important message I can give Newcastle fans today. I talked to Mike 15 minutes ago to clarify that and he was pretty clear. The money will be Andy's legacy to the team. (Feb01/11)

Note the word 'TEAM' - not 'Club' or 'training ground' or 'wages for a free transfer who's shit anyway'

• "We want to secure Kevin - I certainly do," (May 23/11)
• My opinion is that we couldn't give Kevin a five-year contract because, if Kevin isn't playing first-team football, he isn't going to be the leader we want, I'm convinced of that (July 05/11)

Change of mind Al??

• there will be another striker coming in. We’re poised to do what we can and I still think we can bring in another two offensive players. (Jul 05/11)

This is after we signed Demba Ba Pardew fans - so yes he was talking shite.

There's fucking loads more but I really can't be arsed spending time on someone who thinks we're as thick as pigshit and believe everything he says - particularly his new 'oh poor me, it's not my fault' act.

so what's the verdict I hear you ask, well here's one more 'cos I think you already know what I think of Ashleys puppet...

• We need to bring players in Newcastle fans love that can get you out of your seat (May 23/11)

Possibly the only time he's told the truth - attendances are currently 10,000 down with more set to chuck it in after the lies about bringing a striker in - nice one Al, you really have got bums off seats you clueless cockney cunt!

My Old Man's a Club Man.....

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club

Sid
It’s that Mugabe that’s to blame like. Oh Aye, that bugger and his power hungry ways. That’s why we cannit get a cheap pint in here any more. I saw it on the news last neet that the knacker’s driven that many farmers out of business in Zimbabwe that ye cannit get a loaf of bread ower there for less than ten million poond or summat.
So, I was talking to Knocker like, ye kna Knocker man his dad’s an ex-pitman and his mam was a land girl, you dee man he sells them Viagras on a Friday night to the lads with the droop at closing time? Anyways I was talking to him aboot it and he reckons, and this is gospel cos he heard it at Morrisons on Shields Road off that bloke who’s in the TA and he knas a couple of the special squad who’ve been parachuted into Africa a couple of times, he reckons that this means the price of yeast has went right up roond the world and all.
That’s why the brewery has put the price of special up to seventy eight pence, SEVENTY EIGHT Pence you kna, I’m a bloody pensioner me. It’s disgusting it is. I’ll have to turn the heating doon again if I want to keep drinking.
Aye it’s all that Mugabe’s fault the bastard – nee wonder they want him oot