Thursday, 31 January 2008

A new England?


Just a thought while I've got some spleen left to vent this week...British Politicians - what the fuck's the point?

No-one listens to them.

No-one believes them.

No-one cares what they think.

No-one can relate to them or the world they live in.

And, most importantly…

All of our laws are made in Brussels now anyway and not Westminster.

So, here’s my idea…instead of paying ever increasing tax bills in order to keep them, their families, their mistresses, their friends and their secret gay lovers in the manner to which they're accustomed. Why don't we just cut out the middleman and give everything we own to the next illegal immigrant we see and then sign on the dole like everyone else?

Vive le revolution - can't be long now...

Ps – This train of thought was brought on by the news that big council tax increases are on the way as well as an expected 2% increase in income tax in the same week politicians of both main parties have been caught with their snouts in the trough.

Corrupt Scum – Fact.

Tuesday, 29 January 2008

Why Radio 1 is shit...(except for Jo Whiley)

I’ve just listened to a fat, ugly radio 1 DJ lampooning my regional accent on a national station.

He shouted and screamed abuse about someone who has had the audacity to leave the employ of his favourite football team whilst his sycophants and hangers on wet themselves laughing at his ‘hilarious’ (and extremely repetitive) Geordie impression safe in the knowledge that he wasn’t picking on them.

Two questions:-

1. Why is my licence fee (which I have no choice but to pay) being used to mock me and my fellow Novocastrians?
2. Is this ‘act’ of his not reminiscient of the same stagecraft as that employed by Jim Davison in his 70’s heyday when the another section of the community was on the receiving end?

Mind you he wasn’t as cocky when he appeared on ‘Never mind the Buzzcocks’ a few years ago and got savaged by PROPER funnymen and he ran crying to the tabloids that they were nasty to him. A bit different when the people on the show aren’t actually paid to laugh at your ‘jokes’ eh Chris?

It is my opinion that he was bullied as a child and didn’t lose his virginity until he was twenty eight – this would explain his frustration at his own ugliness and obesity and his need to take it out on the rest of the world – Obviously that’s just my opinion and I have no facts to back this up (although he is both ugly and indeed obese.)

Finally, I would just like to make you, my loyal readers, a promise. If I ever meet Mr Moyles I shall ask him if he fancies regaling me with his hilarious impression in a separate room, away from his disciples...and then I shall break his fat jaw.


Monday, 28 January 2008

A little patience...

Here's my latest column for Nufcview - feel free to disagree and then be shot down in flames by me :-

There will be those of you who’ve been a little disappointed by the results of the messiah’s return thus far. Some of you were no doubt dreaming of us storming up the table and into the European places just before we battered Man Utd in the FA Cup final and have been a little discomfited by the chill wind of reality. Me? I knew we’d struggle for the rest of the season. I also knew we weren’t likely to qualify for any European competition (fingers crossed for the fair play league though eh!) so I’m not downhearted in any way shape or form.

In fact, I would even go so far as to say that our less than brilliant start under Keegan so far could turn out to be a good thing in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll make some fans realise just how far backwards we went under the chairmanship of Mr Shepherd and his ‘managers’ (I still have nightmares about Souness). Then once they’ve accepted that we have no divine right to be in the top four we might get back to supporting the team and creating the atmosphere we used to have when some teams were beaten before they got on the pitch at St. James.

Turning back to our new manager though, If you look back at Wor Kev’s previous go around at Newcastle he started slowly, just keeping us up in Division two with a mixed bag of results and performances before he got to have a proper pre-season and work with everyone away from the hurly burly of a match every couple of days.

Throw into the mix that it also gave him time to plan and execute his transfer policy and it’s obvious we should be looking forward to next season with relish.

That summer we stayed up he got rid of half a team and brought in players of the calibre of Venison, Bracewell, Beresford and (a few weeks later) the mighty Robert Lee. He persuaded them all to sign for a team that was literally minutes from going into Division Three (once again thank you messrs Kelly and Peacock – lest we forget) and then lit the blue touch paper.

So give him time, don’t worry about this season as Kevin bloods younger players, finds out who he can rely on and who he can’t and, most importantly, gets them used to his (and our) style of football.

I think it’ll be worth the wait.

Howay the lads

Monday, 21 January 2008

American Idyll...


How y’all doing?

Right enough of that yank shite and on to telling you all about my holiday – basically it was ace.

I went to Vegas which was magnificent – the hotels are so over the top they’re brilliant. Didn’t win owt in the casinos but did get ID’d when trying to gain entry to a club – I didn’t know whether to kick off with the bouncer or kiss him!

Following that I hit Palm Springs and went up a mountain in the worlds largest 360 degree rotating cable car. I also had a steak that was bigger than my plate for a couple of quid – always a good thing.

En-route to LA I wandered into Calico, a ghost town that used to be a thriving silver mine – as a western fan I obviously headed straight for the saloon, pushed open the swing doors and shouted ‘This town ain’t big enough for the both of us’ – The barman wasn’t impressed.

Once in LA I visited Disneyland and Universal Studios and of course the famous Hollywood boulevard walk of fame.

It’s the original Disney (not that Florida impostor) and it was the first time I’d been to somewhere like that – frankly, I loved it. I suggest all you new dads start saving up now to take the sprogs in a few years time. I went on a few of the rides and even bought the photo of myself on ‘Space Mountain’ where I’m quite obviously shitting bricks.

Universal was similar but, if possible, even better – they had a few rides but also did special effects and stuntman shows which were class (especially Waterworld) – as well as that I took a tram around their ‘back lots’ which involved me meeting King Kong and Jaws and seeing various production sets including ‘War of the Worlds’, ‘Fast and Furious – Tokyo Drift’ and the seminal ‘Desperate Housewives’!!

Headed up to San Francisco after that and took a boat ride around the mighty Golden Gate bridge and Alcatraz. Went eating and drinking around the Fishermans Wharf area and indulged in some dessert at the world famous Cheesecake factory. Oooh… drank cocktails on the 49th floor of The Hilton overlooking the city as well.

All in all a cracking holiday and even learning that the same model of plane as mine had crashed at Heathrow just as we were boarding our return flight couldn’t spoil it.

In conclusion I would like to say that America, in my opinion, suffers from a bad press. The people I met there were very polite, courteous and helpful. There were obviously the odd obese and not too bright specimens as well but anyone who stereotypes the whole country in that vein really ought to take a good hard look at their own surroundings. The graffiti littered, rubbish and vomit strewn, hoodie wearing scrote filled, streets of my market town don’t compare to the pleasant, clean, looked after places I visited.

And as for the fat and stupid thing – just visit any British supermarket on a Saturday afternoon and observe the shell suited morons dragging their vast bulk around the aisles whilst their horrible fucking brats scream for sunny delight.

It’s good to be back.

Friday, 4 January 2008


Right, you know how everyone has just gone back to work following the Christmas and New Year break - Well I’m going on holiday for two weeks from Monday!

That means I’ll be incommunicado in the States and thus not able to comment on things like :-

• Massive price rises in energy bills way above inflation
• The railway fiasco in this country
• Our inept government handing over yet more of our lives to their paymasters in Brussels
• My boss being a wanker
• Our Mp’s denying essential services a decent pay rise (in England anyway!) whilst awarding themselves raises way above inflation
• The stupidity of Premiership footballers
• The ‘celebrity’ culture and why people who believe everything they read in ‘OK’ and ‘Hello’ are the spawn of Satan
• The tosser who keeps parking outside my house
• Chris Fucking Moyles
• Students

Obviously that list isn’t exhaustive but it covers most things I would have vented my spleen about.

Anyway, I’m off for a bit, try to get by without me and I’ll see you soon.


Thursday, 3 January 2008

Happy New year (I know it's late!)

In a magnificent feat of techno-wizardry I've added ratings and comment boxes to all of my short stories and extracts on my website - now you can all tell me exactly what you think - go on have a go.

Also, I was informed by Freewebs before Christmas that they'd be using my effort as one of their example sites and I could expect a lot more traffic in January so make sure, as my original fan base, you get in their first - I'll still talk to you when I'm minted and famous though!

Make sure you spread the word...and the link!!