Tuesday, 31 July 2007

Everything is average nowadays - part 4

Having David Brent as your real life boss; School holidays - six weeks? Get them sweeping fucking chimneys; People who think motorsport is an actual sport rather than a procession of overpriced chunks of metal; Middle class affectees of working class accents - eg Lily Allen; Anybody who tries to talk to me about Big Brother or the attention seeking plums who've been on it;Chris Martin, Bono, Bob Geldof and all of the other bleeding hearts who can't wait to give the world their views when there's a disaster on the other side of the globe but haven't opened their mouths once while their own countrymen are dying - hypocritical bastards; My fat, shell suit wearing, cockney neighbours; People who dump tab ends on the pavement outside pubs; Dafties who let their dogs loose whilst I'm walking my brother in laws thirteen stone rhodesian ridgeback - what do they think's going to happen; Polish Immigrants who dislike whichever shitty bedsit they're living in so much that they've turned my local park into an extension of their garden and sit there drinking most evenings; Coppers who, despite the aforementioned drinking being a contravention of a local byelaw, are too scared to do anything about it - try parking in the wrong place though and there'll be a riot van straight on you; Students; That Mika nob who sings about big girls being beautiful - they're not, they're scary; Politicians obviously and finally, ridiculously out of touch Judges that think an ASBO or a community sentence is any kind of deterrent to anybody - anyone who wishes to join the judiciary should be made to live on a council estate with these twats for a year as part of their training, we might see some proper sentences then (mind you it's not like there's any prisons to put the shitbags anyway is it).

Bucketnuts the lot of them!

Monday, 30 July 2007

Charity begins at home.

I have a lot of thirty something readers of this blog and I wonder if they recall, as I do, images on our telly screens in the eighties of third world countries. Pictures of desolation and disaster, human suffering and people dying through a lack of water. It moved Messrs Geldof and Ure to organise Band aid and Live aid, worthy attempts at helping that spawned a thousand copycats, and to raise millions of pounds.

I've been watching the same desolation, disaster and human suffering on my screen just lately, only this time it's in BRITAIN!!! A country that used to be known as Great but is now little more than a third world country itself (thanks Tone) - at this point I'd normally go into one about how our politicians have basically destroyed this country but not today, today I'm asking another question.

If all of these hand wringing worthys in the public eye can raise millions of pounds of aid for Africa (and fill the pockets of their corrupt leaders) then where are these famous actors, comedian, singers and 'celebrities' when their own countrymen are dying?


Thursday, 26 July 2007

Newcastle 4 - 1 Celtic

The mighty toon have just given the scottish champions a good hiding, this feat, by a team that finished below midtable in the premiership, is impressive enough but when you take into account the fact that we finished the game with ten men and the reserve team keeper playing upfront on his own then it shows you just how poor scottish football is.

I'm sure our caledonian cousins will be shouting about it only being a friendly but as we all know, Celtic don't play friendlies, they wanted to win this and couldn't get past our team of academy lads, reserves and crocks - yet another jacobite rebellion stopped in it's tracks by the geordies!!

I cannit wait for the new season me like.

Wednesday, 25 July 2007

Flock off Shepherd!!!

Well he's finally gone...I feel as though a curse has been lifted from our club, a cancerous growth removed or a dead weight lifted. He has had some supporters over the years, deluded fools that came out with the same shite every time 'oh but he's always backed his managers' totally and deliberately missing the point that he was spending OUR money. He only ever put around £75k into the club and has walked away with the thick end of £35 million!!

Anyway, lest we forget just why we hate the fat pikey so much here's a little (not exhaustive) list to refer back to whenever you find yourself in conversation with any idiot who thinks he was okay:-

  • He called all Newcastle fans mugs
  • He called all Geordie women dogs
  • He indulged in some shady, nepotistic practices that involved the club leasing back a warehouse they previously owned and losing a fortune on the deal
  • The Michael Owen - Youtube thing
  • Undermining his managers - Sir Bobby specifically
  • Licking Douglas Hall's arse repeatedly
  • Buying and selling players without the knowledge of his managers

And finally, the reason for which I would hate him regardless of anything else...he employed Graeme fucking Souness!!!

Bye Freddy, don't let the door slam your fat arse on the way out.

Tuesday, 24 July 2007

Writing News

Afternoon All,

I've had a few problems logging on thanks to the floods - the telephone exchange where I live was flooded and most of the town couldn't get on the net. Incidentally, did you know that £14 million was cut from the country's flood defence budget last year, I'm glad the idiot who did that isn't running the country...ooops!!

Anyway, as promised here are the reviews my short play has received thus far from the members of The Live Theatre in Newcastle:-

lou_onix - 24th Jul
hi andy
really enjoyed this piece, davy is so well realised i had a crystal clear picture of him in my mind as i read. i would agree that some of the dialogue was perhaps a bit long and speech-like - would these characters be making speeches in that situation? but what was said rang true. i don't know that davy's girlfriend really needs someone else to be leaving him for, that name dropped in, maybe she would leave him just because of who he (still) is.
and yes, i'm interested to know the subject of your novels! do tell...

Darrell - 23rd Jul
Hello Andy,
Just read your play and thought i'd comment on how much i liked it. Being in my thirties myself the character Davy is one who i've encountered and mocked for years, so seeing him in print made me chuckle.
The play was light hearted and good for your first effort( i think you wrote that it was), if i was overly critical i'd say that some of the dialogue may have been a touch long.
You said you've wrote a couple of books, are these based around similar characters?

rach - 20th Jul
Going to do the cut and paste job, don’t ask. I liked the thirty something charaterisations, they seemed almost based on experience, in fact I’m sure I was at that very rave with Dave. I felt like I knew these people personally. The dialogue flowed and the timing worked well. I thought the play worked well as a short comedy, good stuff.

So far so good eh - I'll let you know if owt else is said.

See you later


Friday, 20 July 2007

Money for nothing...

After thirteen months and one million pounds of public money the inquiry into the cash for honours scandal has concluded that no-one involved in this tawdry affair need be charged with any crime. Imagine that, an investigative body that is controlled by the state coming to the conclusion that the former head of the aforementioned state is as ‘clean as a whistle guvnor’ – why didn’t they just doff their caps as they left the room?

As regular readers will know, I am of the opinion that all politicians are lower than a snake’s belly and that, along with most of the country, I don’t trust or believe them whatsoever. I am assuming some journalist with integrity somewhere along the line will ask the searching questions about pressure being brought to bear on the police and whether money ever changed hands. For me though, a lowly serf in a country where you have to have money to register on our leader’s radar, there is only one question to be asked.

What odds will I get on a member of the police team getting an MBE in the next year?

Thursday, 19 July 2007

Writing News

I got an email last night letting me know that the abridged version of my play 'I no longer hear the music' is now being displayed on the Newcastle Live Theatre website (you have to sign up to view it) allowing members to comment and critique it. As a lot of you won't be able to access it to slag me off I'll post the various comments it recieves on here, both good and bad.

Bit scary really!

Wednesday, 18 July 2007


Yes the Bandwagon has been well and truly jumped on, another Banbury based, exiled Geordie with literary pretensions has started a blog. It's worth a look, particularly as it's his stag do I'm going to in Berlin.

He's going as Kurt Cobain but he's unfortunate in that none of the Hanson boys are dead as he could have saved money on a costume!


Give him a look anyway and tell him Fasthands from Byker sent you.

Infamy, Infamy...

I can't say I was surprised by the news that Newcastle were one of the clubs raided by the law on Monday, those of us who've followed the club for a number of years are well aware that the previous management and execs indulged in some dubious business practices. At one point, and this is fact so sue me fatty, the club sold a warehouse it owned and then leased back the same property on a long term contract costing them ten times the amount they made on the sale. The new owner must have been well pleased with that stroke of good fortune, his name? Bruce Shepherd.

Anyway, as I understand it, the club are thought to be victims of the crime that is being investigated and the responsibility will lie on the shoulders of individual parties rather than institutions. It's fair to stress that no-one has been named, arrested or charged with anything yet and that, in this country, everyone is innocent until proven guilty.

On an unrelated note the toon played a friendly at Hartlepool last night and won 3-1, my man in the stands (Nick the Nashman - Wallsend Ultra No.1) reports that the best chant of the evening was aimed at the 'pools' fans and was 'You're going down with the Shepherds' - ho hum.

Monday, 16 July 2007

Leeds, leeds and leeds and leeds ...

Hello again,

Well my weekend's been a bit hectic, ie I've been on the drink in both Leeds and Newcastle. For those of you who've never been to Leeds I can heartily recommend it for a night out. The area round the Corn Exchange is where we went and one place in particular - Las Iguanas - where we spent most of our cash! Get there before half past Seven and hit the happy hour cocktails, belter man! Many thanks to Little Daz for that tip, especially the bit where he told us it was brightly coloured but neglected to mention he meant the inside of the place not the outside, leading to us walking round Leeds in the rain for quite some time - Cheers you Doylum!

Spent yesterday at the annual Players Inc bash in the toon (Thanks to Steve Wraith, Author, Actor, Door Technician and all round local celeb for that) their website is being updated and sorted out quite soon so I'll be sticking a link to it on here and encouraging you to get yourself on there and view my work.

Finally, I've got my costume sorted for the Stag Do in Berlin I'm attending, John Lennon has never looked so good!

Anyway, I'm going to check my mail now and see how many publishing contracts I've been offered - see you later.

Thursday, 12 July 2007

Happy Birthday...Happy Birthday...

Aye - 37 years old today and feeling it!

My boss doesn't know yet but I'm doing fuck all today - I might go and talk about clubbing and drugs and that with all the teenage temps - get me edge back like!

Have a good weekend all - see you next week.

Wednesday, 11 July 2007

Take me up to the Paradise City...

It's my birthday tomorrow (37 before you ask and apparently that's considered young amongst novel writers so I've got time yet!) and I'm heading North. As a result this blog will be taking a holiday for a few days as I sample the delights of a five star hotel in Leeds before embracing the warmth of a good old Geordie homecoming (Get the beers in then you soft cockney puff etc.)

On Sunday I'll be attending the annual 'Players Inc.' party, that's a football magazine I write a column for, and will doubtless get lashed as Steve, the owner/editor/publisher plies me with free drink (hope he's reading this). He's promised to sort the website out for the mag this summer so when he does I'll link up to it and you can all see just what bile ridden, spleen venting, invective I was coming out with when the fat pikey was in charge.

Anyway, If I get the chance I'll post a bit more before I shutdown for a bit, If not, have a good weekend (cos I will) and if you can't be good, be quick.


Tuesday, 10 July 2007


I know someone who reckons he's got a spy living next door - he's adamant* that she's a security style person as she comes and goes at odd hours, is a cockney living in geordieland and is evasive about her employment - other people have suggested that maybe she's a prostitute, shift worker or even just doesn't like nosey bastards. Me? I agree with him but I can't tell you why. Need to know basis, know what I mean...If I told you I'd have to kill you.

Oops there's a knock at the door - I hope it's not that family that are living in the witness protection programme down the street wanting sugar again...

* He's not really Adam Ant - That's Stuart Goddard not the bloke I know.

Monday, 9 July 2007

I had loads of stuff to tell you about today, travellers that don't pay any form of tax getting free NHS treatment in whichever town they're in, Pubs that have inflated prices to keep the radgies out (all for it), Neighbours that are old enough to know better buying boy racer cars with massive spoilers and foxes that can climb fences BUT my family came to visit this weekend and I spent three days on the drink resulting in a massive hole where my memory should be - Sorry.

If anything comes back I'll get it down quick before I forget again!

Thursday, 5 July 2007

Things I didn't know yesterday - Part 4

Having just spent the last four hours of my life on a coma inducing Health and Safety course I have managed to retain one interesting fact. While a policeman needs to apply for a warrant to enter your place of work or house, inspectors from the Health and Safety Executive do not. They are in posession of warrants to enter any premises at any time if they suspect breaches of Health and Safety law.

So with that in mind I was wondering whether the police could not find some way of using that to enter suspected criminals houses and have a poke about. Say if they could get the HSE to think that 'Fingers McBride' hadn't had all of his portable appliances safety checked and stickered by an approved electrician, or if 'Radgepacket Reeder' hadn't carried out a risk assessment on his PC setup from which he laundered his ill gotten gains.

Could be a whole new slant on law enforcement - I should be Prime Minister me.

Wednesday, 4 July 2007

Nowt, Nixxy, Nitto, Nish...

No news on the book front yet - (did I mention that I also entered 'Special' in the Daily Mail first Novelist competition?) so I've started on my third masterpiece, tentatively entitled 'Chasing Cars'.

It will explore the lives of three middle aged men, their youthful rivalries, deceptions and infidelities. One of them will foil two paedophiles in a kidnap attempt and be jailed for his troubles, the resulting publicity and his reaction to it sparking a chain of events and actions that lead to a long standing conflict coming to a head.

Sounds good eh? Well, if you all send me a hundred quid I could take a year off work and finish it!

Anyway, I'll let you know how I'm getting on.

Monday, 2 July 2007

Always look on the bright side...

While the recent terrorist attacks are a very serious matter anyone who has ever been to Glasgow will undoubtedly see the funny side. Can you imagine it, Shug and Wee Chibby have been drinking Buckfast all day outside the shopping centre and the following conversation ensues.

Hay, Shug, ken whit we should dae to make some coin

Whits that Chibby? Panel some English Bams?

Naw man, we'll dae thit Ram Raiding thay all tak aboot

Ram Raiding? Am no stealing sheep Chibby.

Montay fuck man Shug, you dinnae steal sheep, you ram a motor intae a business and fill it with the gear oot the windae

We'll no get much in ma Punto Chibby

Aye, I ken that like, we could nick that jeep sitting ower there.

Fukinhell Chibby, Aye man lit's dae it. Whae shall we ram? Greggs?

Naw ya fat stoater, I've got a plan, we'll make some proper bevvy tokens oota this one. Let's hit the airport and twoc a fukin Jumbo Jit!!!

I wonder which numpty thought hitting Glasgow would be a good idea - below is a selection of comments made by witnesses on the BBC.

"the sound of it was like...if ye have flung a can of deoderant onto a fire ye will know what im talking about"

"the polis had him doon, i managed to get a boot in once before he was taken away."

"a knew it wiz a terrorist attack right away, cos if ye try that in glasgie ye just get jumped!"

"Me and other folk were just trying to get the boot in and some other guy banjoed him"!

Only in our fair and sceptred isle would you get members of the public running towards a terrorist on fire to "set about him" and fair play to all of the Glaswegians who did, the spanners who hate our way of life might be starting to realise just what they're taking on here in this small island, if not I'll spell it out for them.

We're British, we've been fighting everyone for thousands of years and we like nothing better than a good pagga (Punch up) - you'll never win!