Friday, 26 September 2008

Blood and Blunders...

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks? Well there’s a simple answer to that – I’m a lazy bastard!

Nah, only kidding…well actually I’m not, I am a lazy bastard…but I do have mitigating circumstances.

I managed to somehow slash three of my fingers whilst using a chainsaw in a manly fashion*, resulting in claret gushing everywhere and lots of gauze, bandages and surrogate stitches (plastic strip things). All of this didn’t actually physically stop me from typing but it put me off enough to stop me doing it.

Obviously as a hard northern bastard I still went out on the drink at my nephews Eighteenth birthday party the same night though, hey – you’ve gotta have priorities right?

Anyway, not posting anything has given me the chance to re-appraise the situation at Newcastle United and take a cool, detached and methodical view of it all.

My conclusion is still that Denis Wise is the devil incarnate, Mike Ashley is a bumbling fat fool with a ‘please like me’ complex and Derek Llambias, the anonymous chairman, is a dick of the highest order who wears ridiculous glasses in an attempt to look Mike Read his cockney idol.

That’s them telt.

Oh, I went to see Paddy McGuiness last night and he was as filthy, rude and funny as usual. His support act, whose name I forget, was very good as well and told us all what to do when confronted with those knobs who smoke on buses. I shan’t go into detail, suffice to say I’d never heard the term passive wanking before!

I’ll leave you with that – have a good one.

Ps – Just heard about Joe Kinnear (aka Mate of the goggle eyed, cock sucking, taxi driver assaulting dwarf) taking over the toon on an interim basis – fuck me I’m depressed…

* it wasn’t a chainsaw it was a tin but don’t tell anyone I’m trying to build up a hardman rep….

Friday, 12 September 2008

North East...enders.

I would just like to put to bed the scurrilous rumours that Newcastle United are to be renamed Walford FC, the catering staff will only be serving Jellied eels from now on, the team will be running out to ‘knees up Mother Brown’ and that Shearers Bar will be re-named ‘The Queen Vic’.

This is obviously nonsense…everyone knows that the caterers will also be doing Pie and Mash…

Good luck to all the protesters, shouters, boycotters and heed the balls in Newcastle tomorrow – let that fat cunt and his evil little sidekick know exactly what you think of them.

Ps – Of course I wouldn’t for one second advocate violence or lawless behaviour on the aforementioned obese one and his cock sucking dwarf buddy but if it happens then rest assured I’ll be the first one to piss my self laughing!

Monday, 8 September 2008

Conspiracy Corner...

Now I’m not one to cause trouble…but, there’s been something nagging at my mind for the past couple of days.

Imagine you’re in charge of a struggling Northern football club that has fallen on hard times. It wasn’t so long ago that you were competing at the top of the premier league and in the Champions League semi finals but now you find yourself in the third tier of English football. As a result of your spectacular collapse you had to sell off your brightest and best young players but the money was swallowed up by creditors.

Now what if you had employed one of your old mates from a previous club in the capacity of manager but he wasn’t that good and it was his assistant who’d done all the graft anyway. Unfortunately the assistant had buggered off back to London and the team had started struggling again leading the fans to get on the back of the goggle eyed, poisoned dwarf you had in the management position.

So, as they always do, the evil hobgoblin realising he’s been found out manages to secure another job with a bigger club where luckily his mate is the owner. This staggering piece of good fortune leaves him in sole charge of transfers and you suddenly remember that one of the young stars you had to flog off had a sell on clause and went to that very club.

Obviously you get on the phone to the aforementioned vertically challenged horrible little cunt and remind him he owes you a favour.

Next thing you know there’s some money winging its way into your bank account, the manager of the other club has resigned due to being undermined by the evil, cocksucking elf and you’ve got a meeting at a service station on the A19 and a brown paper bag full of notes in your back pocket.

Luckily you get to live happily ever after, mind you I don’t know about dwarf boy though as a whole city full of people is hard to guard against.

Ps – How much did James Milner go for again?

Friday, 5 September 2008

Cockney Rejects....


I’m having a shite week. Another rejection from an agent, my job’s crap and, worst of all, my hero has been driven from my club by a pack of cowardly, power hungry, not fit to lace his boots, cockney* Cunts!!

I’ve written a quick article about it for Players Inc (as seen on the BBC 1 Ten O Clock news Thursday 4th Sept) and attached it below.

He’s a dwarf a dwarf….

Mike Ashley has done a lot of good stuff since he took over at Newcastle United. Long term season tickets payable in installments, extended family section, consultation with fans, the singing section and even letting flags into games again. Yes, Mike Ashley has done a lot of good things since he took over.

On Thursday 4th September he wiped out every bit of goodwill he’d built up in one stroke when he chose his friend Dennis Wise over the one man in his whole setup that actually cares about Newcastle United – Kevin Keegan.

This allegedly astute businessman managed to lose an entire city of paying customers for all of his businesses in one go.

In truth this had been building for a while. Since Chris Mort left, the communication emanating from the club has been non-existent but Keegans body language and general patter weren’t right and we’d all started to notice.

He stated unequivocally that ‘James Milner is the last person I would like to see leave this club’ and a few days later Milner was gone with Kev saying ‘It was my decision.’

It patently wasn’t but Wor Kev seemed upbeat, telling us all ’Judge me when the transfer window shuts.’ I was happy at that because I knew that Kev meant there was quality players coming in and he’d never let us down before on that score – unfortunately we were all unaware that he wasn’t in charge of acquiring them anymore, the buying and selling is down to Dennis Wise.

It is blatantly obvious that Keegan had been promised a player better than James Milner by the ‘recruitment team’ (Bastian Schweinsteiger apparently ) and come Monday night when the window slammed shut it was also obvious that they’d lied to him.

With all due respect to the two players brought in they weren’t what the manager wanted, a forward to go with the five we already have and a twenty six year old midfielder who was loaned out to us immediately after signing for his new club – how good is he going to be then?

Unlike the rest of the miscreants that make up the mamangement of Newcastle United Kevin Keegan is a man of principle and honour and there is no way he can allow himself to be used to lie to the fans so Llambias and his cockney posse can pursue their own hidden agenda.

Indeed Derek Llambias, ex casino manager and good mate of Mike Ashley (the only qualification needed for a top job at the toon these days) was seen at the Arsenal match entertaining David O Leary – now one of the favourites to replace Wor Kev. if I was to suggest there was a conspiracy by the cockney boys to push out Keegan and install their own puppet then that would obviously only be my opinion – bears thinking about though doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for Dennis Wise (could there be a less apt surname?), Llambias and the other one (what the fuck is his name??) they’ve made a major mistake if they think they can treat Kevin Keegan with contempt and patronise both him and us, dismissing the fanbase as insignificant.

The entire city is up in arms at the disgraceful treatment of our club and of Keegan and, for once, there are moves afoot to do something about it. I’ve heard talk of match boycotts, mass protests and general awkward behaviour not just in and out of St. James but also within Ashley’s other businesses. This will hit him where it really hurts his type – in the pocket – and it will also put him squarely in the media spotlight a position he doesn’t relish one bit.

Apparently there is an indian consortium looking to buy the Toon, if Ashley has any sense he will sell up and ship out back to jellied eel land, unfortunately, as he proved when backing the odious little cockney dwarf over Keegan, he obviously doesn’t have any.

This could get interesting.

Howay the lads

Here’s a question though :-

If Ashley was so anxious to get rid of Barton for the ‘shame’ he brought to Newcastle then how come he is so ready to defend the poisonous little arsehole that is Dennis Wise?

Lest we forget Dennis has ‘form’ for attacking taxi drivers and setting about a team mate and breaking his jaw during training (how come the the tabloid journalists haven’t made that connection yet? Oh hold on Dennis is from London isn’t he…)

Any man that chooses Dennis Wise over Kevin keegan is obviously a clueless twat and therefore does not deserve my support.


* Sorry Tel…

Tuesday, 2 September 2008

Arsenal - Up the Bummers...

Bit bored with this now like.

At the weekend Mike Ashley was spoken to by the police for committing the heinous crime of drinking a pint. Apparently someone complained – what type of sad, whinging, spotty virgin moans to the bizzies when his team is already three nil up and cruising to victory. What kind of sad, unfulfilled, frustrating life must this cunt lead that makes him derive satisfaction from crying to the law that someone is trying to drown his sorrows. Fucking Arsehole.

Mick Dennis of The Express has also continued his one man sniping crusade against Newcastle when he commented on the incident. For those of you who don’t know Mr Dennis has been slagging off Keegan non-stop since his arrival back at the Toon but as we’ve made a decent start he’s been strangely quiet, only crawling out from under his stone to mention this.

Joey Barton (again), comes on and gets booed by the whole middle class Arsenal set. The same Arsenal mob who consider Tony Adams a legend – that’s the Tony Adams who went to jail for drink driving and put his car through someone’s garden wall when pissed. Still that’s alright isn’t it – he’s a London based player.

Joey then makes a legitimate tackle which results in him being targeted by the whole Arsenal team until one of them (Samir Nasri) boots him from behind (a tactic used by countless frenchmen over the years I understand – soft cunts!). You’d think the sporting press, particularly in the light of the new ‘respect’ campaign would make something of this – oh hold on though, Nasri plays for a London team doesn’t he and those nasty oiks from up North deserve everything they get.

Not that I’m narked or anything like…

Ps and Arsenal played like fucking Brazil that’s not fair either…