Dear Santa...

As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-

1. Mike Ashley - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.
2. Michael Barrymore - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.
3. The knobs who run AOL - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.
4. My Laptop - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.
5. The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.
6. Derek Llambias - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.
7. The Reading Public - news of my books and how to get them...please!
8. Alan Pardew - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.
9. Top Models all over the world - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.
10. The winner of this years X-Factor - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?
11. Students - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.
12. Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing - a photoshoot in Syria.

That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? Smashing. 
See you next year.


Yours Sincerely,


Fasthands

Ask an Author...or even ask me....

I'm currently taking part in a month long 'Ask an Author' session on the 'Close2TheBone' blog - this means that anyone (fucking ANYONE mind!) can ask me a question about the nuts and bolts of being a top author. Fucked if I know why they're asking me cos the closest I've ever been to a top author was that time I threw a plate at the telly when Jeffrey Archer was on...anyway...they asked me so I'm doing it.

Here's the link - why don't you join in?

Fasthands talks shite...again

Right then, must go and practice my lies for when someone asks about groupies...later kids.

Come Back Around...

Alreet kids,

Yes it's true, you can stop wearing black and whinging about life being shit..I'm back!

To kick things off on my new / old blog I thought I'd point you in the direction of an interview I did last week with a bloke called 'Ed' who runs Byker Books - well I say interview, basically I sat there and got abused by the fucker, still he bought the drinks so nowts the bother!

Anyway, here it is for your delectation :- Close To The Bone

Also, I've been informed that my superb, debut novel (big headed? Moi?) Maxwell's Silver Hammer is now available on the Amazon Kindle for only 99p (virtually giving them away man) and that I'm Rivelino - my epochal sporting bio - is also about to hit the Kindle's virtual shelves for the same price. two top books for £1.98 - that's ya beach reading sorted, just need to nick some suntan lotion when you're rioting and looting later eh....

ps - don't worry there'll be plenty of bile aimed at Ashley, Pardew, Llambias, Students, Chris Moyles and every other feckless fucker on this earth in the future!

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Whichever senior politician made the scottish bloke release the Lockerbie bomber in exchange for an oil deal further down line - amoral scum; The yanks who are getting all twisty faced about it when they funded various terror groups for years causing the deaths of hundreds of innocents - not such a fucking laugh now boys is it; Mike Ashley - no explanation needed but I hope he manages to impale himself on something rusty sometime soon; Being fucked about by firms who virtually promise you jobs then, after you've had two interviews and they've creamed themselves over you, bring someone else in at the death and tell you to fuck off - cunts; Students; Unbelievably thick plebs in little Oxfordshire towns who'll find out where you're from and proceed to aggressively slag off the North in the name of humour before proudly telling you they support Man Utd and then can't understand it when you piss yourself laughing at them; People who haven't yet bought a copy of the finest football book ever written, 'I'm Rivelino' HINT HINT; Chris Moyles (bet you thought I'd forgot!); Neighbours that have got apple trees that fire their fruit all over your new patio; People who loudly proclaim that they only drink one brand of lager and all the rest is just piss - fuck off they're all basically the same you pretentious twat; My coffee table - I've just walked into it and I think I've broken my leg.....

Fuckin hell...

All signed out...for now.

Alreet Kids,

Well Mike Ashley's still on a mission to destroy one of English Football's grandest old clubs criminally aided by the national media who would have started massive front page campaigns to hang him and llambias by now if we were a London club.

However...I can't be arsed to talk about that fat homosexual today (just my opinion like...) instead I've got some pics for you of my recent book signing sessions at Borders in Wallsend and Team Valley. Also a bit of news, I'll be doing another signing session of my book 'I'm Rivelino' or 'The Working Class Fever Pitch' as it's becoming known, at 'The Back Page' in Newcastle on Wednesday 19th August from 16:00 to about 17:30 before I head up to the BBC studios to appear on Radio Newcastle's new sports show with Steve Howey. After that I'll be gannin to the match against Sheff Wed and shouting abuse at a certain porcine buffoon with a penchant for fresh faced young cockneys.....well how else could you explain Dennis wise's employment, it's not like the fucker contributed to the football side of things was it?

Anyway, hope you like the pics - Later.

Signing On....

Alreet,

Been a while like I know but I've had some stuff gannin on which has left me a bit discombobulated (my favourite word!).

The main ones being that I'm about to be made redundant and have been placed on 'Garden Leave' meaning I'm out of the way and can't nick owt whilst they pretend to decide whether to make me redundant when in actual fact the decision was made fucking weeks ago!

The other thing gannin on is obviously, my award winng book* 'I'm Rivelino', which I shall be signing at two (that's TWO) Borders stores this weekend.

Borders Wallsend (Silverlink)

Borders Team Valley

These links are the events pages for the stores and if you scroll down them it should have my 'appearance' times...get me eh!

Anyway, I'm off to the job centre - might see you Saturday?

* I'm Rivelino - Best book written by a Byker lad this week...

I'm Rivelino.....No I'm Rivelino.......

Alreet,

I'm more than alreet - I'm fucking buzzing man!

My first ever full length published work is now available for Pre-Ordering on Amazon ahead of it's launch on August 1st. 'I'm Rivelino - A Life of Two Halves' will be available from Borders, The Back Page and all online retailers for the criminally cheap price of £6.99 AND I'll be marking the emergence of my seminal (ahem) work with a signing session at Borders Wallsend (on the Silverlink) at 12.30 on August 1st and 15.00 at Borders Team Valley on the same day.

It's all going on!

Here's a link to Amazon and some blurb about the book :-

Pre-Order on Amazon

Testimonials

‘Andy Rivers has told an entertaining tale about following your' club through thick and thin. I'm sure you'll enjoy it whichever team you support.’

Lee Clark (Ex-Newcastle United)

‘One is a Brazilian Footballing Legend. The other went to school in Walker and grew up in Byker so knows the crack and scribbles a lot better than he dribbles. A mint read.’

Mick Edmondson (DJ Mad Mick)


Blurb

‘When you consider them in a football sense you think of 'little Rotherham playing Newcastle? Oh the romance of the cup.’ Well all I could see was fifteen stone, pie eating nutters covered in tattoos and no matter how much aftershave they'd slapped on there'd be no f**king romance going on there I can tell you...!’

Thanks to a family member taking him to his first match in the early seventies whilst he was at a young and impressionable age Andy Rivers discovered Newcastle United. Given the stress and despair this has caused him over the last thirty years it's fair to assume that this action would be considered child abuse today. His story, peppered with terrace wit and rough charm, will be identified with by supporters everywhere.

About The Author

Andy Rivers has been a Butlins Barman, pretend chippie on a Spanish construction site, coach holiday rep, mobile sandwich salesman and outdoor traffic cone washer to name but a few of his eclectic 'career' choices. Interesting as these jobs were, none of them will ever match standing drunkenly on a rain soaked terrace in a t-shirt whilst your team is battered four nil at home...and if you understand the logic of that then you definitely should buy this book!

Harriet...fuck off Man.

Alreet,

Been a bit of while hasn’t it – sorry about that but they’ve decided at work that they’d like me to actually earn the pittance they give me every month so I’ve been driving a lorry up and down the A5 a lot recently.

Anyway, nowt’s changed really. My blockbusting, warts and all, tongue in cheek, look at the life of a football supporter ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is still coming out in August and if you’re good I’ll give you a mention when I’m on Jonathan Ross.

I went to see ‘The Specials’ in Birmingham a few weeks back and had a great time, ending up in Wolverhampton at my favourite club in all the world. The next day was a tad challenging though. Remember on the news a while back about a bloke who was handcuffed to a car steering wheel and the car was filled with gas bottles? Well the car was on the track south of Birmingham New Street train station and I was in there…trying to get my train home…which is south of the station….Bugger!

I’ve noticed also that Labour minister Harriet Harman is pushing a bill through Parliament that will make it legal to discriminate against white men! That’s the Labour party that was formed purely to protect the working classes, which at the time of it’s inception, was mainly white men – still they’ve had our money now though haven’t they.

I think someone ought to point out to her that the last fucker to try this shite was a shortarse Austrian who thought he could get away with demonising a certain section of the community back in the 1930’s …and look what happened to him…..

Politicians – all scum.

Later

Reasons to be cheerful 1...2...3

1. My book ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is being published in the summer and I know of at least three people who’ll buy it so that’s a pint I can afford.
2. When Newcastle go down under the stewardship of Messrs Ashley (fat cunt), Wise (evil little dwarf cunt) and Llambias (greasy cockney spiv cunt) then we’ll play more games on a Saturday, probably win more as we’re in a shiter division and that incompetent fat virgin will lose half of his investment overnight.
3. I’m going drinking with Danny King (top author bloke – if you haven’t discovered him yet you should) in a few weeks and then I’m off to see The Specials the next night with the Wolverhampton mob – woohoo!

Just thought I’d share that with you all.

Later.

Look at this Photograph....

Here’s a strange tale for you. I sent Byker Books an old photo of me in the school football team when I was seven for the cover of ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves’ and they were dead happy with it – set the right sort of tone and that.

They asked, quite rightly, was it my photo or had I got permission to use it from the owner? Obviously being me that hadn’t even crossed my mind and as I’d originally got the photo off a website about five years ago I thought I’d best make an effort to contact the bloke responsible for it.

I found him, he said I could use it and even suggested that, as he was a photographer these days, he would touch it up and send me a good version. I duly got onto Byker Books and told them. They were dead happy and life was cool.

Then he sent me the ‘good’ version back.

It was very good.

So good in fact that all the creases were out of it and you could see everyone’s face properly and do you know what?

It wasn’t me on the fucking photo!!!!!!

So now I’ve got to ‘create’ another cover pic sharpish and eating much humble pie…what a twat eh!

Sunday dinner and Monday launch...

A canny weekend last week ladies and gents – a canny weekend indeed.

I went out on Saturday with the in-laws and stayed out until three in the morning without a drop of the demon drink passing my lips – impressive eh!

Following that I travelled up to God’s country on Sunday morning, ostensibly in order to attend the launch of ‘Radgepacket Volume Two’ at Borders in Team Valley but also to get me mouth round one of me mams legendary Sunday Dinners. So it was few pints in the club (The Clerb like…) to watch Newcastle get beat then a fuckoff big roast then more bevvy with the siblings…like I said canny.

The launch on Monday night was great – particularly as I’d never been to one before and the mighty Ray Banks was there. As I was in the original ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ I got to sign copies for punters and pretend I was famous…In fact I’m sure I heard someone ask why Brad Pitt was there….

See you later

Oh aye – I got a phone call off Huddersfield Town FC on Monday as well telling me that their manager ‘Lee Clark’ (ex toon player) would be happy to write a foreword for my forthcoming toon book – It’s all happening now kids, honestly, I’ll probably not be speaking to you this time next year…heh heh

Move over Nick Hornby....

Now then, bit of news for you all today.

I’ve been talking to the lads at Byker Books and they’re rather keen on publishing my book about Newcastle United and me – the superbly titled (I would say that wouldn’t I) ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves.’

They’re confident they can get it out by August in time for the new season and they’re working on it as we speak – good news eh!

While I won’t become a millionaire (or probably even a hundredaire for that matter) and it’s not like I’m a properly published fiction author I will have a book with my name on it.

They’ve also mentioned a couple of small signings as well so I’m digging out my eccentric authors costume as we speak – I’m thinking flat cap, jumper and scarf a la’ Albert Steptoe what do you reckon?

Anyway, good news for me and as things progress I’ll make sure you know first.

See you later

It's good to be back, good to be back....

So I’m back in the land of living dead (Banbury!) and life is going on as normal. My birthday was good, plenty of drink involved, loads of spraffing with the siblings and a manc who tried to surfboard on a pub table resulting in a spilled pint of Cider and Black belonging to an irate fat bird.

I’m now officially ‘The Don’ and as a result will be speaking with marbles in my mouth at all times as well as being wise about anything and everything – hold on, I already do that.

I’ve had a sniff of publication of ‘I’m Rivelino’ through ‘Byker Books’ who have a sales plan that won’t involve me hitting the top of the bestseller charts but might get me a couple of pints and a kebab. Most importantly though I’ll finally be in print and have something to show for my efforts as well as a springboard to kick on from.

Anyway, I’m off – see you later.

ps - my boss has been 'transferred' with immediate effect. Officially, he's still my boss, unofficially he's already cleared his desk...

I WON YOU CUNT!!!!! HA

Success at last...well sort of.

Big News....well after a fashion anway.

I've won a prize in a a competition run by Byker Books. My story 'The Invisible Man' has scooped a free book from them by the inimitable Danny King - which is a good thing.

Further to this though, through their link up with Newcastle Fanzine 'True Faith', I'm going to also see the story published in there for the first issue of the new football season!!

Vast amounts of exposure to Newcastle fans just as I've finished writing a book about my exploits following the Mags.

It's a sign I tell you, a sign....

Busy, Busy, Busy

I know, I know, It’s been a while and I’m sorry. Loads of stuff has been going on and frankly I’m knackered.

Anyway there’s been far too much news for me to comment on, suffice to say that politicians resisting all attempts to have some form of transparency where their expenses are concerned would suggest someone was up to something somewhere.

Obviously that’s just my opinion and there’s no evidence that anyone is breaking the law but a system whereby no-one has to produce any receipts and everything is funded by the taxpayer leads me to only one conclusion :- they’re all a bunch of self serving, grasping cunts and we’d be better off without them.

Right then, writing stuff.

Well as I said about a week ago ‘I’m Rivelino’ is finished and is with my readers. Random House haven’t, as yet, beaten down my door waving a big fat cheque but I’m ever hopeful. I have however spoken to a regional publisher who is very interested in the life story of fat geordie with a devastating line in chat though – he just needs to run it by his business partner so fingers crossed.

I’ll let you know first – watch this space.

Further to that I was recently approached by a brand new independent publisher with a view to publishing one of my short pieces on their brand new website. The publisher is ‘Byker Books’ and the page on their site is called ‘Radgepacket’ it’s designed to promote up and coming authors and as far as I’m concerned all publicity is good so I agreed to let them use ‘Blagger’.

Here’s the link – see what you think of them and let me know.

Byker Books

Anyway, that’s it for now but I’ll leave with you with a little question. I’ve got a cold and apparently that means I’ve got ‘Man Flu’ so does that mean when lasses get a sniffle they’ve got Bird Flu?

And does that mean we can cull them?

I'm Rivelino...

WooHoo...I've finished it.

My seminal work on the exploits of a handsome geordie who follows his team around the country over three decades is, to quote our colonial cousins, in the can (which is probably where it'll fucking end up as well!!).

My elite team of professional readers can expect their inboxes to ping at some point over the weekend and the rest of you can expect to see it as soon as Random House give me the ten million pound advance I'm expecting.

Toodle pip

FH

An offer I wouldn't refuse...

Well then, where to start today?

I’ve had a crap week work-wise, put in loads of unpaid hours with a lot more to come, been treated like a mug and generally unappreciated.

'Special' - My second novel is getting rejected left, right and centre...

I decided to spend last night working on the fourth (and hopefully final) draft of my toon book ‘I’m Rivelino’ but my internet connection went down thus stopping my research. After arsing about for an hour or so I finally admitted defeat and rang my provider to be met with a recorded message telling me they were upgrading and ‘some networks may be affected’ – that’s not what I pay for – I assume my bill will be rebated accordingly will it? Fuckers. .

Too frustrated by now to work on my book I decided to acquaint myself with ‘Photoshop’ with a view to using it on a website I’m putting together. As my copy of the program didn’t come with any manuals I’ve acquired some old ones, one of which came with a bonus disk full of tutorials and free images.

‘Brilliant’ I thought ‘progress on something anyway’ until I realised that the disk was so old that my new laptop wich runs on ‘Vista’ didn’t recognise the fucking content of the bonus disk and my version doesn’t correlate with any of the manuals.

So I’m in a right huff and contemplating paddling a canoe down Hartlepool Marina before resurfacing in Panama in the future when my phone rings…..and everything was alright again.

I’m going to be Godfather to my nephew James – get in!