Everything is average nowadays - part 11

Fat Charva pikey neighbours who, after years of behaving like feral teenagers, suddenly decide that, with the onset of their second child to a different bloke, they'll 'nest' culminating in huge gaps in the hedge that protects you from seeing their fat, ugly, spotty, white bread, junk food ravaged faces because the thick cunt she's shacked up with now doesn't have English as his first language and doesn't understand 'stop cutting the roots away you prick'; E-on, the energy supplier, rude customer service and stupid bastards in charge - we're gone you fuckers; Students - wankers; People who moaned about Adam Ant when we went to see him in concert - you know who you are you un-rock n roll huckle; Chris Moyles - just hate the unfunny fat prick; AOL - not only barefaced robbing bastards who promise you one thing and then try to charge you for another before going very quiet when you catch them out they also palm you off with shit routers that only work intermittently before claiming it's your line that's to blame - well it worked fine before I switched routers you bunch of fucking dildo's; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; The Daily Express or as it should be called now The Channel 5 programme guide; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, scum; And Finally...drivers who don't indicate - why? I'm not a mind-reader and you've got your kids in that car. Is it so much effort to flick the stalk on the side of your wheel you incompetent cunt? Is stuffing crisps into your fat face more important than me knowing which exit you're coming off at the roundabout as I put my two tons of killing machine into gear and pull out in your path...tosser!

Right, feel better for that - go and watch the match now - no way I'll get narked with Pardew is charge is there......

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Chris Moyles - Unfunny fat prick who tried to 'wittily' mock Terry Wogan at a recent 'do' only to find that, as ever, when he hasn't got a script and a bunch of chortling sycophants his 'banter' is seen for the plain humourless rudeness that it really is...oh and Wogan wipes the floor with your listening figures you fucking obese knobjockey so fuck off; Boilers that cease to work properly in winter despite you only having them for five poxy years - moral of story, never, ever buy a Potterton boiler as they're shit and the company don't want to know; Spammers who try to flood your blog with adverts for Viagra, hoo man we're all proper blokes on here and we can all get hard ons without assistance, find a mackem site and they'll welcome you with open arms; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; Sozzled charvas complete with requisite 'leisure wear' and gold sitting behind you at premier boxing events - wankers; People who mob supermarkets, walk slowly, stop without warning, hit you with their trolleys and try to buy everything they can see just cos it's Christmas - IT ONLY CLOSES FOR ONE FUCKING DAY YOU BUNCH OF SHEEP; Their fat, ungrateful offspring who whine on and on whilst blocking your way to the booze - just shut up and move out of my way you X Factor fodder; Students, no reason just fucking hate them; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, absolute scum of the earth - no explanantion needed; And Finally...Jordan AKA Katie Price AKA spiritual leader of Britain's charva classes ...look love, you're not pretty, all that plastic isn't sexy and you come across like the most horrible woman in the world do yourself, and more importantly your kids (remember them eh?) a favour and put some clothes on, cease ya whining and stop behaving like an out of control slag... then give Kerry Katona a ring to arrange some etiquette lessons you monstrous fucking shrieking harridan!

Ah that's better, spleen vented and calm returning.

That's it from me for 2009 kids. I hope you all have a good Christmas and a prosperous 2010.

Cheers

Life On Mars?

My Name is Fast Hands. I've been on holiday. When I came back I was in 1947 and Dame Vera Lynn was No.1. Am I in a coma or just going mad? Now I know I have to get back to 2009 with it's ineffectual police, amoral politicians and Chris fucking Moyles.

Actually, bollocks to that, think I'll stay here. Altogether now:-

We'll meet again...

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Whichever senior politician made the scottish bloke release the Lockerbie bomber in exchange for an oil deal further down line - amoral scum; The yanks who are getting all twisty faced about it when they funded various terror groups for years causing the deaths of hundreds of innocents - not such a fucking laugh now boys is it; Mike Ashley - no explanation needed but I hope he manages to impale himself on something rusty sometime soon; Being fucked about by firms who virtually promise you jobs then, after you've had two interviews and they've creamed themselves over you, bring someone else in at the death and tell you to fuck off - cunts; Students; Unbelievably thick plebs in little Oxfordshire towns who'll find out where you're from and proceed to aggressively slag off the North in the name of humour before proudly telling you they support Man Utd and then can't understand it when you piss yourself laughing at them; People who haven't yet bought a copy of the finest football book ever written, 'I'm Rivelino' HINT HINT; Chris Moyles (bet you thought I'd forgot!); Neighbours that have got apple trees that fire their fruit all over your new patio; People who loudly proclaim that they only drink one brand of lager and all the rest is just piss - fuck off they're all basically the same you pretentious twat; My coffee table - I've just walked into it and I think I've broken my leg.....

Fuckin hell...

Writing News...and fuck off Chris Moyles!

Morning,

Two good things happened last week.

The first involves reports that the fat, unfunny, man Chris Moyles will be losing his job sometime soon – obviously this was instantly and furiously denied by everyone but there’s no smoke without fire I feel that everyone protesteth too much – don’t let the door smack you on your ample arse on the way out knobhead.

And secondly, Some of you may recall that I mentioned writing a play some time ago and I posted bits of it on here. You may also recall that I was sending it to the Live Theatre in Newcastle for critique and that I promised to tell you what happened – well, I’m finally in a position to let you see an abridged version of the feeback I received :-

OVERVIEW
This is a short play about childhood loves and adult ambitions. It is also about lost youth and betrayal. Four school friends, now grown up, realise that their childhood sweethearts are no longer what they need or want.

CONCEPT
DAVEY and JO have been together since schooldays as have NICK and RONI. JO and NICK’s lives have moved on so that they no longer want to be associated with their old loves. By moving up the career ladder they assume their less successful friends are not good for them either personally or for their careers. The drama begins when JO finishes her relationship with DAVEY after a disastrous night out. NICK too decides that RONI is no good for him and ends their relationship. Rejected pair, DAVEY and RONI have much in common including low ambition and sense of humour. Flung together RONI and DAVEY inevitably become a couple but more unexpectedly RONI becomes pregnant with DAVEY’s child and they decide they will stay together and look forward to the birth of their child. With the tables turned, NICK and RONI find out that by rejecting their friends they have rejected what they most wanted in life, family and security. In this ensemble piece there are strong themes of: loyalty; betrayal; ambition and growing up. Ambition and status are the demons fuelling NICK and JO whilst DAVEY and RONI, accepting that they will never be good enough, are happy to settle for being underachievers, becoming the settled family unit that all four friends had hoped to have.

LANGUAGE
The four characters have known each other for a long time and this comes across in the dialogue. The strongest dialogue is in the monologues. Here the characters’ voices are very clear and we get a real sense of who they are.


THEATRICALITY
The scenes are cleverly thought out to avoid a great deal of set changes. Each character delivering monologues to the audience allows for more character development as well as making the play more interesting to watch.

RECOMMENDATIONS
At the moment this reads as an ensemble piece but not every character is equally developed within the narrative. For example, JO begins the play wanting commitment and possibly children and realises she is unlikely to get that if she stays with DAVEY. At the end of the play when RONI discloses her pregnancy with DAVEY who turns out to be supportive and committed, JO congratulates them and leaves. Presumably, JO has very strong feelings about what she has just heard but we don’t get to hear her point of view.
The monologues work well and add another dimension to the characters.

In some of the dialogue there is a tendency to write directions for the actors e.g. pleadingly, sarcastically. It might be worth taking these directions out to check whether the dialogue reflects these directions. Using subtext would strengthen the dialogue. For example, while it is clear what NICK and JO have given up by leaving their respective partners it is not clear how RONI and DAVEY really feel about being flung together by circumstance. There must be some tension between them as we know they were attracted for many years to complete opposites. From her monologue, we know RONI knows that DAVEY went out with JO for a bet. It is possible that she has doubts about his commitment to her.

So, it took a while but I think it was worth it – I’ve got a couple of useful pointers with where to take it now and once I’ve developed it further I’m gonna wing it to the BBC so they can stick it in their ‘Northern’ box.

Toodle pip.

Separated at Birth? Part 3...

Mike Ashley / Chris Moyles

Let’s consider the evidence shall we: -

• Chris Moyles is the world’s unfunniest man and Mike Ashley appointed a former casino owner and cockney spiv (Derek Llambias) to destroy Newcastle United which has left no-one laughing.

• They both suffer from an inflated sense of self-importance. Moyles proclaims himself ‘The Saviour of Radio 1’ – an organisation that has been running since before he was born and will still be going strong after his obesity kills him. Ashley seems to think he knows more about football than Kevin Keegan and as a consequence has wrecked the club that represents my city.

• They surround themselves with sycophants with no qualifications for their jobs other than the ability to do as they’re told. Moyles ‘people’ are required to laugh at his ‘jokes’ and Ashley’s ‘staff’ well, they’re simply required to get Newcastle United relegated...Dennis Wise anyone?

• They’re both fat, ugly bastards who are probably virgins.

• I hate them both.

That is all..

Reasons to be cheerful...1...2...3

I'm all fit and healthy again after a very annoying year full of niggling injuries, Russell Brand has been found out for being an unfunny, abusive prick who is the living epitome of 'Emperors New Clothes' syndrome (see also Little Britain and Chris Moyles), Newcastle finally won another game and are out of the bottom three - Liverpool will be shitting theirselves now, My story 'Blagger' is soon to be featured in 'Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities' alongside an exclusive by Danny King, It's nearly Christmas, I'm off to Poole for the weekend tomorrow, Petrol prices are coming down, I've never met Brian sewell and...best of all...SPOOKS IS BACK!!!!!!

Get in.

Last night a DJ saved my life...

Right, forgive me but I’m about to go off on one now.

Loads of important world events happened on Monday/ Tuesday, for instance :-

• The Pakistani president resigned – a worrying development where terrorism is concerned
• Our Olympians accrued loads more medals
• The Russians were leaving Georgia and then they weren’t then they were again – implications for world peace/war are massive
• Our economy is still fucked and people are at the point of existing rather than living

With this in mind what do you think the lead story on some downmarket, super soaraway, tabloids and, more to the point, our national radio station was?

I’ll tell you.

‘Jade Goody has cancer’

What?

‘You know man Jade Goody, ignorant, illiterate, racist embarrassment to our whole nation, famous only for being stupid and getting her fanny out on television.’

‘Oh her – why’s her doctor told everyone then? Surely that’s something you’d keep private?’

‘Well her doctor didn’t tell her. She was informed she had it whilst in the diary room of the Indian version of Big Brother by her agent who then told the tabloids’.

‘Oh fuck off.’

Now If Ms goody has cancer then she has my sympathy. I know people who’ve beaten it, people who still have it and sadly I’ve known people who couldn’t fight it. None of them made the news on a radio station that I am forced to pay for and they were/are all ten times better people than she is but that’s not my point.

Why on earth would it be headline news all fucking day? Is there nothing else worthy of being the main headline on a national radio station in a supposedly civilised, first world country? Has the national IQ been so dumbed down that the wellbeing of an anonymous wannabe is crucial to our morale?

This country’s fucked and frankly, it’s the media that’s providing the KY Jelly!

Ps – as well as that I also had to endure Chris Moyles doing his ‘hilarious’ Geordie impersonation again yesterday, it was almost as funny as the time he was on ‘Never mind the Buzzocks’ and stayed very quiet when confronted with real funny people. I recall him crying to the papers afterwards that they’d picked on him.

Just like school Chris eh? It’s always the fat, ugly prick that gets bullied…

PPs - Some fucker's getting it today like....

Everything is Average nowadays - part 7

Local elections and lying cunts on my doorstep, bosses who are a complete fucking joke and appear to get off on having some sort of power over you, Ashley Cole (hate the cheating twat – have done ever since he went through a phase of going down holding his face to get people sent off), publishers who don’t get back to you when they say they will, Students, the British Media, Idiots who believe everything they read in the aforementioned British media, Jeremy Kyle – the worst kind of hypocrite, Kerry Katona – mouthy fat bint, Chris Moyles – no particular reason just that he’s a fat bully who died on his arse at the Brits when faced with a live crowd and none of his sycophants to back him up, Politicians – all fucking scum, HR people who cover for their mates and make everyone else’s lives miserable in the process, bad backs that stop you training, hangovers…in foreign cities…in the sunshine, Makems, Football columnists in newspapers that should know better than to slag off certain managers before they’ve even had a chance to sort out the shite they’ve inherited but then go really quiet and can’t bring themselves to admit they’re wrong when the manager in question wins four games out of five – wankers, did I mention politicians?


All shite - Fact.

Why Radio 1 is shit...(except for Jo Whiley)

I’ve just listened to a fat, ugly radio 1 DJ lampooning my regional accent on a national station.

He shouted and screamed abuse about someone who has had the audacity to leave the employ of his favourite football team whilst his sycophants and hangers on wet themselves laughing at his ‘hilarious’ (and extremely repetitive) Geordie impression safe in the knowledge that he wasn’t picking on them.

Two questions:-

1. Why is my licence fee (which I have no choice but to pay) being used to mock me and my fellow Novocastrians?
2. Is this ‘act’ of his not reminiscient of the same stagecraft as that employed by Jim Davison in his 70’s heyday when the another section of the community was on the receiving end?

Mind you he wasn’t as cocky when he appeared on ‘Never mind the Buzzcocks’ a few years ago and got savaged by PROPER funnymen and he ran crying to the tabloids that they were nasty to him. A bit different when the people on the show aren’t actually paid to laugh at your ‘jokes’ eh Chris?

It is my opinion that he was bullied as a child and didn’t lose his virginity until he was twenty eight – this would explain his frustration at his own ugliness and obesity and his need to take it out on the rest of the world – Obviously that’s just my opinion and I have no facts to back this up (although he is both ugly and indeed obese.)

Finally, I would just like to make you, my loyal readers, a promise. If I ever meet Mr Moyles I shall ask him if he fancies regaling me with his hilarious impression in a separate room, away from his disciples...and then I shall break his fat jaw.

Later.