Monday, 31 March 2008

Writing News...

I've finally finished the first draft of 'Magpie Ranger' (woohoo!!) and am starting the first major edit/rewrite - I'm also thinking of changing the title (it never rains eh...) and will be sending copies out to my readers soon before beginning the soul destroying but very exciting process of contacting publishers.

Don't worry though - I won't pretend I don't know you when I'm A List...

Onward and upward.

Thursday, 27 March 2008

Teacher Comforts...

Schools have been in the news this week as the National Union of Teachers have held their annual conference. Predictably they've went right over the top in an effort to get themselves on the telly and appear 'controversial' as ex-students are wont to do when they're trying to be more 'wacky and zany' than their counterparts.

Having said that I think two of their proposals went too far and cost them any respect they may have had left in this country -: they want Imams (muslim clerics) to come in and give lectures, studying of the Koran to become commonplace and christian assembles dropped. They also want the armed forces banned from having any kind of presence in schools - their argument being that their literature and promotional material is misleading. In fact one of them - Paul McGarr, An utter prick if I've ever seen one - summed up his whole unions contempt for our armed services by sneering 'Join the army and we will send you to bomb, shoot and torture human beings.'

Call me pedantic but isn't that exactly what militant muslims clerics promote in their teachings about anyone they don't like?

I know some teachers and they've always seemed fairly well balanced to me so is their union speaking for them all or is it, as I suspect, a few ex-students who couldn't get laid at university blaming everyone else for their own inadequacies?

Answers on a postcard to the NUT - well assuming you left school able to read and write, not a given these days.

Tuesday, 25 March 2008

Hoo man am gasping...

Apparently some government minister (I don't know which one and don't really care - they're all inept, greedy, out of touch and fucking incompetent) has decreed that cigarettes should not be on display in shops and should be sold from 'under the counter' - brilliant!

Bearing in mind this is a legal product that the government makes an absolute fortune on in tax (with which to furnish asylum seekers with cars and houses) and it seems ludicrous that people who use it should be demonised in this way - I'm a non smoker incidentally so don't think I'm pursuing my own agenda here.

The thinking behind this attempt to make smokers carry a bell and shout 'unclean' as they walk down the road is that if they can't see the packets then they won't want to buy the cigs - are these fuckers for real?

If you've smoked for thirty years and have lungs resembling tar pits you're not going to be put off by asking for a packet of tabs in a brown paper bag are you?

'Can I have a copy of big tits monthly, some condoms, a tube of pile cream and a dildo - oh and (puts whispering voice on) twenty regal king size guvnor - they're for a mate.'

You couldn't make it up - I only wish I was.

Monday, 17 March 2008

Can't buy me love...

I've just heard on the radio that Heather Mills has been awarded twenty four million english pounds as part of her divorce settlement from Paul Mcartney.

She then had the temerity to bleat that she and her daughter would be unable to travel first class any more - I must have missed the bit where she contributed to his vast fortune through her work with...??

What fucking planet does she live on? Twenty four million notes just for shagging a wrinkled old scouser a couple of times - she's been well overpaid if you ask me. I reckon if she'd been paid by her true worth she'd have to have had sex with him about...oooh...forty eight million times.

Thursday, 13 March 2008

Money's too tight to mention...

I realise I’m preaching to the converted here but yesterdays budget has simply washed over me in a wave of apathy. The reasons for this are as follows:-

Our rancid hospitals routinely kill people through their superbug infections

The Police are nowhere to be seen anymore – well unless you haven’t paid your council tax or you’ve been speeding in your car then there’s a van load of them smashing down your door.

Our courts think of criminals as victims and uphold their ‘Human Rights’ whilst disregarding ours.

Our school system is collapsing as they become lawless, violent places which churn out ever thicker, more feckless youths.

Our road and rail networks are an absolute shambles and national embarrassment.

Our Armed forces have been short changed and betrayed by the idiots who are meant to be leading them

We give money, houses and cars to anybody who turns up and utters the magic word ‘asylum’ whilst our pensioners who lived through the post war hard times and helped build this country back up die through hypothermia and are imprisoned for being unable to afford their council tax.

We are the most taxed and spied upon nation in the world (my opinion anyway)

That’s just stuff off the top of my head, there’s probably things I could write about corrupt politicians, little hitlers in council offices, the scandal of the state of refuse collection, the way fuel is twenty five pence a litre more expensive now than it was a couple of years ago and …ooh loads more stuff.

The reason I’m not going to is that I really can’t be arsed – what’s the point when politicians themselves don’t give a monkeys and spend most of their time laughing at us – well when their snouts aren’t in the trough that is.

Yesterday during the budget speech David Cameron voiced the fact that the Labour part had imposed on the people of this country ‘the heaviest tax burden in our history’

Labour’s Childrens minister Ed Balls (an apt name for an utter cock) retorted with ‘So What?’ This was then disputed by the Labour party as their mighty spin machine swung into action but he was clearly heard by many.

Mind you, as he and his partner, Minister Yvette Cooper, take over £582,892 a year in taxpayers money through their combined salaries and ‘expenses’ I don’t suppose they do give a fuck.

I don’t suppose for one minute they have to decide whether to put an extra jumper on or turn up the heating.

I don’t suppose they wonder whether they can afford to fill the car up this week.

I don’t suppose they have to make the decision to shop at Aldi or Tescos

Come election time though I’m thinking we won’t have much of a decision to make either – although, given our rich history of revolution, insurrection and civil war it might not even get that far when the fuel goes up again.

Here’s hoping eh!

Thursday, 6 March 2008

Lions led by donkeys...

I hope you’ve all swotted up on your French and German boys and girls as it’s looking like English won’t be required for much longer.

Gurning Gordon yesterday carried through the task left to him by Tony Blair and sold us out to his mates in Brussels ably assisted by the ‘leader’ of the Lib-Dems (incidentally there’ll be a highly paid, full time euro president when the new treaty is officially ratified. Guess who that’ll be? Yup, step forward Tony – penny dropping yet?)

I expect shoddy behaviour from the man in charge of a joke party like the Lib-Dems but I’m also old enough to remember when The Labour party were interested in advancing the cause of the working classes rather than feathering their own nests. I’ve never liked the Tories (mainly because I grew up in the North that Thatcher tried to kill and will therefore be drinking heavily when she dies!) but there’s no way I can consider voting for a party that consistently lies, cheats and is only interested in taking as much money as possible off me in stealth taxes.

Ministers fiddle their expenses and live in luxury while we all struggle to pay rising power, water and fuel bills before being carted off to filthy hospitals and abusive nursing homes to see out our days – what exactly happens to all that money we pay into National Insurance over our lifetimes?

What are we actually paying them foranyway? All the laws are made in Brussels now and we’re not allowed to do anything unless they give us the nod – what do they actually do in the Commons?

Anyway, I’m off to buy my French Golden Delicious by the Kilo (you go to jail if you use pounds and ounces remember) before taking out a mortgage for a litre (not a gallon) of petrol.

Vive la Revolution.

Wednesday, 5 March 2008

It's not what you know it's who you are...

News has reached me of an x-factor style (ie shite!) writing competition for 'celebrities' to be televised on BBC2 - see below :-

A new "Apprentice"-style reality TV show will turn one of six celebrities into a crime author, mentored by Minette Walters and published by Pan Macmillan.

"Murder Most Famous", which will be broadcast on BBC2 during the week of World Book Day (6th March), is the brainchild of "Strictly Come Dancing" and "Dragons' Den" mastermind Richard Hopkins, m.d. of Fever Media. Hopkins hopes the programme will do for writing what "Strictly Come Dancing" did for ballroom dancing—making the subject accessible and an "entertaining prospect" as a TV format.

The series will be broadcast in five daily 45-minute episodes, and pits six celebrities—dancer Brendan Cole, actresses Sherrie Hewson and Angela Griffin, former tabloid editor Kelvin MacKenzie, presenter Matt Allwright and gardener Diarmuid Gavin—against each other.

They will be mentored by Walters, who will set a series of challenges to inspire the celebrities' daily writing tasks. Training will include dog tracking, resisting a violent attack, an autopsy, crime scene investigation, interrogation techniques and rapid pursuit of a suspect. Walters will judge the celebrities' writing efforts and eliminate one candidate each day.

The winner will turn their plot and central characters into a novel, to be published with Pan as a Quick Read on WBD 2009, in conjunction with the BBC's adult literacy campaign RaW. The proceeds will go towards BBC Children in Need.

Pan Macmillan publishing director Maria Rejt, who will edit the winning celebrity's book, said it would be "a really big, fat challenge". "Writing crime is really difficult, and they've got to do a really good job," she added.

The series is being produced by Hopkins' Fever Media, a production company backed by Sony BMG. A website will show examples of the celebrity pupils' writing (as well as Walters' critiques), video diaries and extra footage.

I'm obviously a little disconcerted by this but am split into two points of view:-

A. Another book written by a semi famous illiterate will be on the bookshelves thus denying me one more chance of making it


B. More people will pick up books after noticing that their favourite semi famous illiterate has a tome in the shops and the resulting profits will go towards publishing an unknown writer.

Either way I know one thing, the ghost writer employed to 'tidy up' (ie write the fucking thing...) the 'celebrity book' will be making a living whatever happens.