Thursday, 30 August 2007

Tarred and feathered

Just in case any of you didn't get my reference in the post below I was referring to the story and pictures yesterday of a drug dealer in Northern Ireland who had been tarred and feathered by the exasperated members of his local community. After the police had admitted defeat in their efforts to control the streets it seems the local boys took matters into their own hands.

Fucking Brilliant!

Wigan's here.

The following article is this weeks contribution to :- , those of you not interested in the toon should also consider having a look as they're linked up with a load of other football sites. It might also be worth contacting these sites if you fancy writing articles that will be seen on a national basis - just a thought like.

I was going to start this week by mentioning the events at Middlesbrough and the subsequent press hysteria about something that goes on every week at every other ground in the country but I don’t wish to give any more publicity to the obvious sensationalism and bandwagon jumping that has been employed by various tabloids and even broadsheets (particularly one that employs a bitter mackem) that should know better.

So I’ll simply ignore that lopsided and obviously biased reporting of events (how come slagging someone off for being an Aussie isn’t racist?) and stick to the football. We’re four games in, another clean sheet and still unbeaten, I’m sure we would all have liked another win in the league but looking at it dispassionately five points from a start that included two away games isn’t bad at all. I also noticed from the Boro game that Big Sam has no fears about changing the formation if he feels that there’s just cause – the switch to 442 in the second half was a refreshing reminder that our new manager knows what he’s doing. I have to say as well that seeing Mike Ashley in a Newcastle shirt in the director’s box was a heart warming sight and must have been a slap in the face to those southern based hacks that have been trying to stir up dissent amongst the ranks ever since he bought us out. He was also sat next to Big Sam last night (wearing his ‘Smith 17’ shirt again-smudger must be chuffed) at the Barnsley match – so much for never leaving his house eh?

We’ve got Wigan rolling up on Saturday and, despite their reasonable start, we should really be looking at taking all the points in this one. Sibierski and Bramble will probably get different receptions, particularly ‘Super Sib’ after his comments about scoring past the makems. I think it’ll be a touch hard on Bramble if he gets booed as he has had some good games for us in the past and scored the odd vital goal, but I’m sure he won’t care much anyway, you could queue up to slag me off for a salary of thirty grand a week and I wouldn't give a monkeys!

While we’re on the subject of mackems I notice that Roy Keane has just spent another nine million of the paddy’s cash on the footballing gods that are Kenwyne Jones and Danny Higginbotham – yeah I don’t know who they are either. I make that roughly twenty eight (28!) million pounds that ‘the next Fergie’ (how many times have we heard that about ex Man Utd players) has spent on top class talent such as Chopra, Richardson, Gordon, Higginbotham and now Jones. He wants to be careful, those lads from over the water don’t mess about when a punishment’s required, when it all goes pear shaped he could end up like the bloke with the tar and feathers in the papers yesterday!

Anyway, enough of the circus down the road, we’ve negotiated our way to the fourth round of a cup we’ve got a chance of winning (honest!), we’re unbeaten in the league and we’ve got a home game against a team with Titus Bramble at the back – let’s get into them.

Howay the lads

Wednesday, 29 August 2007

A slow news day?

Just a quickie to let you know my thoughts on the current furore over the Newcastle fans chanting 'He's got a bomb' and 'Mido is a paedo' on Sunday. The papers mainly appear to have taken the most politically correct stance they can find accusing us of racism and one in particular (louise Taylor in the Guardian - the same Louise Taylor who writes for the official Sunderland publication and is a self confessed Mackem shitbag) has accused us of islamophobia-is that even a proper word?

Well firstly, even though this is all a load of media created nonsense and I shouldn't waste my time even responding to it, the Boro fans were chanting the same sort of thing at him a few months ago when he played for Spurs but the press weren't jumping up and down then, also, in the same game, Mark Viduka was called a 'Fat Aussie Bastard' repeatedly but the press have also neglected to mention this - does racism only count if you're not white?

And to my main point, while this was happening and the assembled hacks were working themselves into a frenzy of self righteousness about the ignorant geordie hordes a young man was being kicked to death in Sunderland, an 11 year old boy had been shot dead in Liverpool and there were, too numerous to go into detail about, fatal stabbings up and down the country. All of these deaths were brought about by youths, mainly in gangs, and are a serious issue for the future of this country.

Do our self appointed moral guardians in the national press feel that this isn't worth shouting about or, as I suspect is the case, do they realise that no-one believes anything they write any more so they simply follow the angle that they can sensationalise the most, thus selling more 'news'papers?

Answers on a postcard to... any tabloid or broadsheet you want, they won't read it.

Tuesday, 28 August 2007

Well played that man...

I've always thought cricket was a shite game for boring people, I also think the majority of my readers would probably agree with that but...I've started changing my mind.

I spent yesterday drinking lager in the sunshine and conversing with people at my in laws local village sports club. I generally talked nonsense about a number of subjects and had a good time, this was punctuated only occasionally when there was a shout from the pitch and everyone clapped (I joined in obviously). I went to the pitch at half two and got home to bed about midnight.

Cricket- I love it me like.

Oh and I still haven't got a clue who won!

Thursday, 23 August 2007

Derby Days? Not really.

So, we have the pleasure of visiting ICI town on Sunday (best known as the backdrop for Bladerunner – nice) and doubtless the locals will be waiting to welcome us as only they can. Football wise ‘the burra’ have come a long way since I was a lad; I remember them locking their gates in the eighties and virtually going under. Their chairman, Steve Gibson, has performed wonders in making them a top division, mid table team, and deserves praise for that – Shepherd should feel ashamed every time his name is mentioned.

Having spent a lot of time on message boards over the last few years I’ve noticed that a lot of their fans seem to think they mean something to us and that if we beat them we’re especially chuffed. The media pundits go down this road as well and always refer to these games as a North East derby, it’s not. I don’t really understand why they think this, it’s probably a marketing thing for Sky and the premier league in order to sell more telly packages and I suppose as the mackems are up and down more often than Jodie Marsh’s knickers they think we need a more stable ‘local’ rival.

Whatever their reasoning, they’re wrong, Middlesbrough – v- Newcastle will never be a derby match. To me, beating Boro is the same as beating Leeds or Hull or one of the Sheffield teams, it’s three points and I’ll be home in time to make a night of it down the quayside, or even the ‘diamond strip’ (I’m getting old now) and that’s it. As far as they’re concerned though, they’re so desperate for a rival that isn’t Hartlepool or Darlo that when they beat us, you never hear the end of it. Still if it makes them happy eh.

So for the record, when we play Middlesbrough It’s not a derby and the three points apart, unless it’s a cup final (doubtful like) it’s not even that important. Got that? Good, now let’s tan their backsides.

Howay the lads.

Ps - This can also be viewed (and commented on via the message boards) at

Tuesday, 21 August 2007

This country's fucked!

Apologies if you've heard this from me before and also if the 'gritty' language in my rant offends you but I really cannot cope with the spineless, cowardly, faceless bureaucrats and judiciary that run this once great country any more.

Exhibit A:- The killer of headmaster Philip Lawrence is going to be allowed to stay in this country once he has served his 'LIFE' sentence as to deport him would 'infringe his human rights'.

Exhibit B:- Asylum seekers, who are being held in detention centres while their cases are dealt with, riot for softer cushions and nicer biscuits and are allowed to wreck the place at a cost of millions to the UK taxpayer while the police stand idly by for fear of being labelled racist. This, mark you, while they are 'fleeing persecution and certain death' in their own countries.

Exhibit C:- A former premiership footballer is being released from prison after killing someone in a drink drive incident and then running away. He has served a grand total of three years and on his release has a contract lined up with a football league club. Nice.

I watched a film the other night entitled 'Outlaw' about a vigilante who decides to make a stand and, frankly, I agreed with every word he said, particularly the bit about 'That cunt Blair has raped this country.' Lest we forget it was Mr Blair and his cohorts (one of whom now 'runs' the country) that introduced the human rights act to Great Britain (now known only as Britain - soon to be known as Scotland, Wales, Northern Ireland and Scotland2) and unleashed this shower of misery upon us. The judiciary and politicians must live in little ivory towers away from the council estates and the gangs. They obviously don't believe in the existence of violent criminals or feral youths, thinking they are the invention of a whinging electorate.

The ordinary man and woman in the street, the people who pay taxes and actually work for a living, fear (quite rightly) that they've been abandoned by those in authority in favour of those with money and asylum seekers who will vote the right way. The rhetoric and jingoism of parties like the BNP is starting to make more sense to those people - this is how Hitler got started. Gordon, Dave, Falconer and the rest of the overprivileged bags of shite that live within their protective police cordons need to come down to our level and smell the alchopops while they've still got the chance.

I'm pissed off - Rant over

Friday, 17 August 2007

Do you remember the first time?

The heart beats a little faster with each step, the excitement rises in your chest and threatens to make itself known through your teeth if you open your mouth too wide and you feel so alive with anticipation that you're actually scared. The first thing that hits you as you mount the steps is the colour, a brilliant green comprised of a million freshly mined emeralds, then the noise, excited chatter from grown men who have regressed back to childhood, faces wreathed in stupid grins. you're taking all of this in you become aware of a noise that sounds like a voice but isn't, somehow detatched from the whole affair but intrinsic to it at the same time.

'And here's a request from Parrot Face from some Shakey - This ole house'

First home match of the season tomorrow, I'm travelling up for it and bringing my nephew for his second ever visit to the Peoples Republic of Tyneside - I cannit wait... mind you it's not just the game, we're going to Burger King as well - WooHoo!!

Have a good one Folks.

Thursday, 16 August 2007

Writing News

Just posted my second article on - You've read it already but it's always nice to see your face at the top of a page read by millions isn't it!

Tell Ya Friends!!!!!!!!

Going to hell in a handcart...

The other night I was watching telly when my wife informed me that two young scrotes were trying to make babies on my front porch. Obviously I was up in a flash with the intention of getting a good look at her...I mean moving them on and did so in a manner befitting a fifteen stone skinhead from Byker:-

'What the fuck are you playing at?'

Small youth looks at me like I'm daft and then tilts his head in a confused expression before saying 'What?'

'Fuck off from my step'

Small youth looks quizzically at me for a couple of seconds before slowly moving off, his girlfriend emerges from next doors porch with all of her clothes intact (gutted!) and they slouch off.

Here's my question, if I'd given him a slap, and bearing in mind that law abiding citizens are being killed up and down the country for daring to speak out at yobs, would I have been charged with anything by what laughably passes for the law in this country?

And with the answer being yes, I'd have been carted off to the nick quicker than you can say this country's fucked, then that leads onto my next question?

If the lad had just said fuck off and proceeded to continue 'pleasuring ((c) The Sun)' his teenage girlfriend how could I have stopped him?

Answers on a postcard to Messrs Brown and Cameron please but don't expect an answer.

Ps - I'd have probably given him a round of applause...but you can't clap with one hand...Ho hum.

Wednesday, 15 August 2007


Can you hear it...?

Listen really carefully…hear it now?


Shall I tell you what it is? It’s the sound of my club ticking over nicely. No outlandish claims of street fighting or pronouncements of the ‘I’m a Geordie me’ variety from a laughing stock of a chairman. No moaning about injuries whilst simultaneously declaring that you never mention them. No players agitating for a move – well except one and he hasn’t counted for a long time anyway. No, none of that, just professional management of a football club that's being properly led from the very top. The new chairman realised we were becoming a bit concerned about our transfer plans stalling and voila, a quick statement of intent to calm us down, swiftly followed by three sound acquisitions. All done quietly and without fuss – smashing. The manager, rather than get into a public slanging match with his former chairman, just does his thing and gets us the three points with a big smile on his face – Job done. The players are all up for it, well apart from the one previously mentioned but he’ll be gone soon, and have said so repeatedly. All of this is how it should be and gives me a warm feeling, since Mike Ashley took over we have started to be run correctly and the results on the park will reflect this over the coming season I’m sure.

It’s the first home game on Saturday(I'm going); fifty two thousand Geordies singing their hearts outs for the lads, eleven players on the pitch prepared to sweat blood for the cause and men in the boardroom and the dugout who are determined to get it right.

For the first time in the last ten years we are truly Newcastle United and I love it.

Howay the lads

Tuesday, 14 August 2007

Writing News

Quick update on the online fanzine I'll be writing regular-ish articles for. It's called and can be found here ...

I've got an article on there but it's just the 'Hey Ho - Let's go' one you've already read.

Keep an eye on the site though as I'll pop up regularly.


Monday, 13 August 2007

If the world ended now...

Why on earth did the Bolton fans boo and jeer Big Sam on Saturday? Regardless of the fact that his new team were effortlessly thrashing them, that was out of order and uncalled for. In his time there he dragged them from the depths of the fizzy pop league to top half regulars in the premiership, he brought in world stars such as Jay Jay Okocha and Ivan Campo, developed talent like Kevin Nolan and got them european football. These 'fans' repaid him by not bothering their arses to turn up most weeks and then had the cheek to slag him off when he realised that he'd be better off working in a football town. It leaves me wondering whether there's a lot of bitter brewed in Bolton?


Friday, 10 August 2007

New Season...Newcastle

For those of you that don't read my column in Players Inc (ie - all of you tight bastards) here's the season opener from my good self (it's also the lead article on the new toon website that hasn't went live yet so I really am spoiling you!)

Hey Ho, Lets Go...
Well, what a last couple of months this has been. Firstly we lose Glenn Roeder and appoint Big Sam. He may not have been everyone’s choice but it’s fair to say he’s probably the best we could have got at the time and he’s doing all the right things at the minute. It did make me wonder though, I mean Sam had resigned from Bolton well in advance of us asking Roeder to leave and was therefore perfectly placed for a quick appointment at the toon. Could Freddy really have planned that far ahead? Could he really have actually had a plan for once? Given the way he’s ‘managed’ the club over the last ten years I sincerely doubt it and think it was more a case of us being in the right place at the right time for once.

Then after the mildly pleasant shock of getting in a proper manager we had the best news I’ve heard in some years, the previously unknown Mike Ashley was buying up shares in the club and it was obvious that Shepherd and his acolytes couldn’t do anything about it. When it became apparent that the cancer was being removed from the heart of the club we love my glee was un-containable, I may even have got a round in at one point I was so happy.

The noises coming from the club, Chris Mort in particular, have all been positive and encouraging, steady growth and building the team up again etc. Big Sam has made some solid signings thus far as well. Viduka will give us a physical presence up front, which was something we lacked all last season. Rozenhal I don’t know much about but he’s a Czech international and they’re no mugs so he must have something about him. Barton for all of his documented disciplinary problems will give us some fire and drive right in the middle of the park and Geremi can play pretty much anywhere and do it well, he’s got a belting free kick on him as well by all accounts.

Speaking of signings I have to say I was a little surprised that Roy Keane managed to spend ten million pounds on Chopra and Richardson, two players that could be adequately described as squad members everywhere else – still, a bit of a chuckle is always good for the soul.

And then…just when I thought that things couldn’t get any better it was reported that after ten long years of enduring the most embarrassing chairman in the premiership (and that takes some doing) Freddy ‘you’re all mugs for buying the shirts’ Shepherd was being removed from his post. It was lucky I was in the house when I heard as I’d have been sectioned for running around the aisles at Tesco’s shouting ‘GET IN’ and shaking my fist in triumph. Mind you as it was our lass was surprised by my triple back flip – women eh!

Anyway Shepherd’s gone now and, the odd back page splash from his tame journalists apart that should be the last we hear of him. After the last three years of dross and capitulation I find I’m experiencing a long forgotten sensation this summer, optimism. I’m really looking forward to the coming season and think it’ll be a good one. I’m confident of a top six finish and at least one good hiding given to the mackems.

So Mike, Sam and Chris, welcome to Geordieland. Roy thanks for giving us all a laugh with your purchases and Freddy, don’t let the door slap your arse on the way out.

Time to start the roller coaster again – Come on!

Howay the lads

Andy Rivers

Thursday, 9 August 2007

Writing News

I've recently been approached, as a result of this blog, to write regular articles for a new Newcastle website - they want people who are opionated and a bit laddish, obviously I was in there quicker than a charva on giro day.

The site doesn't go live until tomorrow so assuming I'm still compus mentis after tonight I'll stick a link up.

Now that's what I call music...IS IT FOLK!!!

Having nearly recovered from last weekends over-indulgence I'm all set to do it again from tonight - incidentally I went to the gym last night, made the mistake of sparring with someone a bit good and then weighed myself, I'd lost five pounds since last week!! If any lasses are reading this bollocks (doubtful I know) then I can heartily reccomend the 'Beer Festival Diet' just send me a tenner every time you use it.

Anyway, tonight I'm going to the 'Cropredy Music Festival' or as it's more commonly known both locally and worldwide 'Fairport Convention' - the music is generally shite (in my opinion) but only because it's folk and I'm not a fan, Jools Holland's on tonight though so he should be alright.

My main reasons for going on a weekend long bender at a folk festival are basically:-
  1. It's in the village where my extended family live and just five miles from my house
  2. There's a fringe festival in the two village pubs which means I get to see the up and coming local bands as well as established favourite 'Spank the Monkey' - no I'm not making that up.
  3. It's a good laugh

So there you have it, I'm going to be off-line most of this weekend but will let you know how it goes.


PS - I joined Facebook the other day so if anyone's on that give me a shout.

Wednesday, 8 August 2007

The taking of Berlin - 2007

Here's some pics of your correspondent and friends during Shady's Stag do at the berlin 2007 festival - try not to fancy me!

The Stag and a handsome lad from Byker.


They loved us at Luton Airport like.

Auf Wiedersehen Pests...

Might stick some more on if I get time-see you later.

Tuesday, 7 August 2007

I'm starting to remember stuff...

Cheap Wine on the plane;Warm Champagne;Hot Tub Stories;Wearing Hats in nightclubs;Making Taxi Drivers race other cars;Abusing Barmaids who properly loved it;Giving as much cheek as possible to our teutonic cousins whilst being dressed like a gay hippy;Telling a Danish bloke who claims he's 'so hard that doesn't even bleed' that if he doesn't fuck off he'll be suffering internal blood related injuries from the bottles that'll be rammed up his arse;Have I mentioned being cheeky;Inventing a new catchphrase that every lass in Berlin now thinks is a standard English sentence - 'You're my favourite';Nightclub on roofs;teaching German grannies how to pull rope;Singing Newcastle songs during the charity shield and confusing the fuck out of assorted gloryhunters;'Don't look up' (long story);Not being served beer in the hotel because 'We don't serve beer to English People';Stealing the aforementioned beer anyway with a gang of Jocks on a stag do;Laughing at a Southern English Stag do who weren't going to the beer festival because 'We're going for a meal together' - Puffs;Spending every waking hour guzzling Lager,Havana Club,Mojitos and some cherry flavoured dark shit;Chatting up everything that moved and some that didn't; Laughing at the stag being ignored by a (very lovely) barmaid who he had quite confidently informed us was 'gagging for it' resulting in loud pleas of ellie...Ellie...ELLLIIIIEEEE;

There's lot's more that I can't remember (or repeat) but I think I've just about covered our first hour in Berlin!

For you Geordie, Ze weekend ist over!

I'm Back... my head hurts and I feel sick.

Too much to tell you all as my boss is watching so I'll just have to mention what went on as and when I can (well what I can remember anyway - Havana Club and Coke - fucking lethal man) - I'll get the odd picture as well (and they are odd) for you all to laugh at.

Got to go now as apparently I'm meant to have started work but I'll leave you with this piece of advice - when you're dressed in a comedy wig, in sunglasses you can't see out of and wearing a see through, womens, floaty hippy top which displays both your man breasts and shit tattoos then you really shouldn't wander into an irish pub on your own, particularly if you've been drinking for ten hours and you're in East Berlin for the first time in your life.

Just remember that and you can't go wrong.

Thursday, 2 August 2007

All we are give drink a chance.

Well then, the wig's ready, the DIY flares are made, I've got a pair of them coloured round glasses, a big hang round ya neck style CND badge and a floaty, see through, kaftan like, girls top.

What's that about then Rivs? I hear you cry.

Have you discovered a method of time travel and you're fucking off back to when Newcastle used to win things?

Are you going back in time to when politicians genuinely tried to run the country rather than wreck it?

Are you a cross dresser you weird twat?

NO - none of those things (though I may explore them in later life - who knows!)

I'm off to Berlin tomorrow on a stag weekend, and the stag has decreed that the day we travel shall be known as 'Dead Rock Star Friday' meaning we have to get into costume and stay in it all day and night. So myself (*have you guessed who I'm going as yet?), Bob Marley, Kurt Cobain, Sid Vicious, Freddy Mercury, Frank Sinatra, Sammy Davis Junior, Roy Orbison and many more will be out and about on the Reeperbahn tomorrow night. The paparrazzi will have a field day when we start falling out of clubs in the early hours!

Anyway, until I'm back this blog will be ever so slightly inactive so don't worry if your comments don't appear for a few days.

Auf Wiedersehn Schwebelkopf!

* John Lennon obviously - I might even stick a picture up - try to contain your excitement.

Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Revised Security Levels

I recently acquired this secret report* from a mole I have within the corridors of power and it makes interesting reading. Look at it quickly as I may have to delete it soon once the tabloids get wind of it:-

---------------------Report Begins-----------------------------

In view of recent terrorist activities in United Kingdom and elsewhere the response has been an increase in international security levels.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

However, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

---------------------------Report Ends-------------------------

* its not a report, it's an email I got for a laugh - sorry!