Wednesday, 21 May 2008

I'm Rivelino...

WooHoo...I've finished it.

My seminal work on the exploits of a handsome geordie who follows his team around the country over three decades is, to quote our colonial cousins, in the can (which is probably where it'll fucking end up as well!!).

My elite team of professional readers can expect their inboxes to ping at some point over the weekend and the rest of you can expect to see it as soon as Random House give me the ten million pound advance I'm expecting.

Toodle pip


Friday, 16 May 2008

An offer I wouldn't refuse...

Well then, where to start today?

I’ve had a crap week work-wise, put in loads of unpaid hours with a lot more to come, been treated like a mug and generally unappreciated.

'Special' - My second novel is getting rejected left, right and centre...

I decided to spend last night working on the fourth (and hopefully final) draft of my toon book ‘I’m Rivelino’ but my internet connection went down thus stopping my research. After arsing about for an hour or so I finally admitted defeat and rang my provider to be met with a recorded message telling me they were upgrading and ‘some networks may be affected’ – that’s not what I pay for – I assume my bill will be rebated accordingly will it? Fuckers. .

Too frustrated by now to work on my book I decided to acquaint myself with ‘Photoshop’ with a view to using it on a website I’m putting together. As my copy of the program didn’t come with any manuals I’ve acquired some old ones, one of which came with a bonus disk full of tutorials and free images.

‘Brilliant’ I thought ‘progress on something anyway’ until I realised that the disk was so old that my new laptop wich runs on ‘Vista’ didn’t recognise the fucking content of the bonus disk and my version doesn’t correlate with any of the manuals.

So I’m in a right huff and contemplating paddling a canoe down Hartlepool Marina before resurfacing in Panama in the future when my phone rings…..and everything was alright again.

I’m going to be Godfather to my nephew James – get in!

Friday, 9 May 2008

Bits of Kids...

I'm off back up to the toon tonight, ostensibly to ensure my little nephew is being schooled properly in the pugilistic arts but also to have a few pints in the worlds greatest city. With this in mind I thought I'd give you a sneak (and free!) preview of my latest column in 'Players Inc.' before it even hits the shops.

I could probably cover loads of stuff this issue that’ll be gone over elsewhere in the magazine. Things like all the clean sheets we’ve been keeping making all the nationally based sportswriters who’ve been pushing their own anti-Keegan agenda look a bit stupid. Or the effortless swatting aside of the makems and the subsequent non mentioning of the coveted title of ‘North East top dogs’ by a certain local paper which is normally brought up every time we slip down the league. But I decided that I’d rise above all that and won’t even mention various members of the Guardian sporting pages that have anti Newcastle tendencies and exhibit them on every possible occasion, even when they really have not got a leg to stand on. So instead, for this issue, I’m going to concentrate on the future and the work of some of our much maligned back room signings – Director of football Dennis Wise and vice-president Tony Jimenez.

Football, as we have all witnessed, has changed in the last ten years. It’s now vital to bring players through the ranks as well as buy in the big names ( something our previous chairman seemed to ignore preferring instead to bask in the glory of ‘trophy signings’) and the club seem to have recognised this and acted upon it.

The appointments of Wise and co were mocked in most quarters with elements of the national press mischeviously suggesting he was Keegans replacement but his presence, with Wor Kev’s blessing, is already being felt at the club. Our reserves clinched the Northumberland Senior Cup, with good performances from the likes of Tozer, Baheng and Kadar being pivotal to this. These players, amongst others, were brought in during January and could well be the future of our club.

It was said that Keegans biggest mistake last time around (apart from not playing me up front obviously…) was to scrap the reserve team and he would probably hold his hands up to that but youth is certainly a priority this time. Already in the last ten or so games of the season we have seen the likes of Carroll, Lua Lua, and Edgar appearing in the first team and letting no-one down with their respective contributions. There’ll be a cacophony of noise this summer, all shouting for big signings and ‘statements of intent’ but, while it’s important to invest in quality it’s also just as vital to look to the future and the new ‘management’ are obviously aware of this.

In Mike Ashley and Chris Mort we have two sensible individuals who don’t court publicity and don’t have to appease a plc which means they can take sensible long term decisions without having to put money in the pockets of shareholders (particularly those living in Gibraltar) and they both know the importance of long term investment versus short term reckless spending.

It’s my opinion (which means it’s probably wrong..ho hum) that our future’s in safe hands. Those lads that won the Northumberland Senior Cup won’t all make it, the lads appearing in the first team now and then might not last the course either (they’re all just bits of kids after all). But the fact that we’re investing so much time, effort and money in their acquisition and development in the first place means that we’ve got a lot to look forward to.

The next few years are gonna be great.

Howay the lads

Anyway, that's it for now - have a good one.


Ps - I bet you thought the title of this piece referred to a cellar in Austria...

Thursday, 8 May 2008


'Special', the genre defining, thrill a minute, rollercoaster ride of sex, drugs, violence and Geordie accents has been rejected again.

Just thought I'd mention it.


Ps - They'll all be sorry one day!!!!!!!!

Wednesday, 7 May 2008

Weak Ends (see what I did there...)

Couple of things this morning,

I had a good bank holiday weekend – went to ‘Indie Night’ on the Friday, an event co-promoted and co-hosted by one of my mates and that was belter. The bar he held it in had a drinks promotion on ‘Sol’ so at one point, whilst jumping about to The Jam and trying to keep my lime in my bottletop I thought I was right back in the eighties!

On Sunday of the weekend I went to ‘kill for a seat’ comedy night and watched three comics that were very, very funny – particularly the kiwi who was scared of ‘The North’… yeh mate you should be.

I went to see Pam Ann last night – for those of you who don’t know she’s an Australian comedienne who basically parodies a air hostess from the sixties. Well, she starts off like that and slips back into it now and then but in between she is filthy…..and overall, fucking hilarious.

If none of you’ve ever heard of her then she’s well worth going to see.

Anyway, no writing stuff happening other than the imment finishing of my third book ‘I’m Rivelino’ and the subsequent raft of rejections I’ll undoubtedly get….

See you later.

PS – My boss is getting knocked out today – not necessarily by me though!