Tuesday, 22 November 2011

More Clubmen.....

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club


Christmas Time
Santa’s a swine
He didn’t bring
Me bike last time

With logs on the fire
And a bat by the stair
He’s getting knocked out
If I don’t get one this year…


Heh heh heh…

Thursday, 10 November 2011


You're not going to believe this like but I was robbing cleaning this place in Wapping last night when I found this tape lying about with a label on saying 'Sleazeball and Greedy fat cocksucker 08/11/11' on it. So I played the tape and..well...maybe you should just read the transcript :-

- Mike, Degsy here me ol' china.
- Awright Degs, how's it in the frozen Norf my son. They still 'ate us do they?
-Nah Guv, that's why I'm ringin' innit. They're startin' to fink we're okay.
-Wot? Even though we treated Keegan and Shearer like absolute dogshit, relegated 'em, raped the club of it's best and most saleable assets and generally took the piss out of every single fackin one of 'em?
-Yeah guv, even though we did all that. It's 'cos the gimp has managed to do alright by beating teams like Wigan and Wolves and that. E' even used that phrase abaht 'marking their cards' and they fell for it. By the way you still has to knock a monkey off of his debt for saying that.
-No probs geezah, he'll still owe me enough to keep 'im up there for a long time yet. Tell 'im I'll knock anuvva pony off if he says it again in a weeks time cos I'm finkin' that if the fick Norvern Mankeys is ripe for it then it's time for Plan B my san.
-I was 'oping you'd say that Mike - I've got the statement here now. Listen to this bit 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Pppppfffftttttt...they fink the money will go to the team ha ha ha ha fackin' Geordie mugs!
- I know boss, they've even forgot about the £35mill we squirrelled down our sky rockets. Norveners, thick as fack guvnor, thick as fack.
- Yeah fack it. Do the statement about re-naming the grand on Thursday - tell the gimp to keep his loaf of bread dahn for the time bein' - wot shall we call it then?
- 'Sports Direct Arena' guv, got to be innit? That'll fack them right off wunnit?
- Good call Degsy, good call. That's wot it'll be then. I'm sure they'll say something abaht 'istory and tradition and that but the fick Norven cants need to understand I'm dahn to me last Billion so there's no way I'm only takin' £40 million a year out of their poxy little clab when I can 'ave more.
- It's all abaht the cash boss, nuffink else matters in this life.
- Bang on Degsy, bang on me old son. I've 'ad anuvver idea an' all Degs.
-Wot's 'at gorgeous...I mean boss?
- I'm gunna shit on the staute of that Jocky Miliband they've got up there an' all.
- I fink it's Jackie Milburn my love...I mean guv.
- Wotevva, I'm gunna shit all over it. That'll fackin' learn 'em.
- Stone the crows guv, they'll go mental.
- Nah they won't cos we'll just say I was sponsored by Sports Direct and the money'll go straight to the team and we need it 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Ha ha, you are one diamond geezah Mikey. Let's go and spend some of that £35 mill on hookers in Barbados while them Norven fuckwits bleat and argue amongst themsleves abaht the grand.
- Nice One Degsy - see you at 'Eathrow. Tell the gimp not to say anything while we're gone.
- Right you are Guv. Laters.

So there you go. I mean, obviously, I've got no idea who it is or what there on about - any of you got a clue?

Wednesday, 2 November 2011

The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .

I get a mention in this...fame at last eh? Have a look.

The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .: Those cheeky chappies over at Byker Books - purveyors of top notch Brit Grit, titles including the legendary Radgepacket series - now have ...