Thursday, 24 July 2008

Everything is Average nowadays - part 8

The News of The World for digging out Max Mosley because he had a nazi orgy with a load of Prossies – leave him alone man we’ve all done it; Kids on their school holidays making loads of noise up and down your street when you’re trying to get to sleep – the little fuckers should all be on a curfew on pain of death; People who don’t keep up with fashion and diss your new Lyle & Scott top; Bosses who hang onto their jobs by a fingernail when it’s obvious they’re fucked – show some pride you spineless twats; Publishers who employ women readers for profanity riddled mens books and then don’t understand that the target audience might see it a little differently – nobs; Chris Moyles, no particular reason I just hate the fat cunt; Students (obviously); Wankers who feel the need to rev up their mopeds at half six in the morning in their back garden two down from yours – that’ll end in tears; All coppers who arrest people for defending themselves – cocks; Politicians in this country – all shit, all in it for the money, all irrelevant to public life now we’re run from Brussels; People who leave big bits of Carbon Fibre sticking out of shelves in the warehouse you work in so you can walk into them and pierce the skin on your forehead resulting in much pain and blood – utter, utter cunts.

I hope they all fall down on a gravel pit and skin their knees – bastards.

Tuesday, 15 July 2008

It's good to be back, good to be back....

So I’m back in the land of living dead (Banbury!) and life is going on as normal. My birthday was good, plenty of drink involved, loads of spraffing with the siblings and a manc who tried to surfboard on a pub table resulting in a spilled pint of Cider and Black belonging to an irate fat bird.

I’m now officially ‘The Don’ and as a result will be speaking with marbles in my mouth at all times as well as being wise about anything and everything – hold on, I already do that.

I’ve had a sniff of publication of ‘I’m Rivelino’ through ‘Byker Books’ who have a sales plan that won’t involve me hitting the top of the bestseller charts but might get me a couple of pints and a kebab. Most importantly though I’ll finally be in print and have something to show for my efforts as well as a springboard to kick on from.

Anyway, I’m off – see you later.

ps - my boss has been 'transferred' with immediate effect. Officially, he's still my boss, unofficially he's already cleared his desk...


Thursday, 10 July 2008

Bits n bobs...

It’s my birthday on Saturday, as a result I shall be travelling up to Geordieland tonight to refresh my spirit and cleanse my soul of all things southern. I’m guessing that as I cross the River Tyne back into Gods own country and the influence of the south recedes my IQ will rise back to previous levels and important bits of me will double in size to their previous dimensions…..

Right that should have offended enough of my readers. Writing wise not much on so I’ll just leave that.

Other news, a bloke recently got arrested for chasing a mob of who were throwing rocks through his windows. His crime? He was waving a bit of wood about in order to defend himself against the gang of feral shitheads.

Another bloke, who is disabled, was recently arrested after getting a burglar in a headlock after the said burglar had punched him first.

This country’s fucked.

Anyway, fuck that the revolution won’t be long now. Have a good un – I’m going to!!

Ps - I'm the godfather this weekend - Don Fasthands.....that means you all have to kiss my ring...!

Friday, 4 July 2008


Just some general bits and pieces today.

I notice that Gordon Brown, the unelected puppet that our euro masters chose to run our country, is in the North East today. Presumably he arrived by air as Newcastle and it's suburbs (Sunderland, Middlesbrough etc.) aren't considered important enough to merit a three lane motorway to connect them to the rest of the country. Still as long as there's enough public money to let London host it's olympics and to keep mp's in the manner to which they've been accustomed then we'll be okay.

I had a little chuckle to myself when the Scottish tennis player crashed and burned at Wimbledon - obviously if he'd won he'd have been British....

Ooh, on the subject of taxpayers money, apparently as part of the ongoing investigation into MP's and the way they fiddle their expenses, there's a proposal to give them all free cars!!!!! Brilliant, they might realise just how much petrol costs then.....oh hold on, that'll still be on expenses won't it.

Having finished my third book recently I have now turned my attention to finishing the play I started writing some years ago (fuck off I've been busy alright...)and then sending it to the Live Theatre in Newcastle for assessment - I'll let you know how I get on.

That's it for now kids - see you later.


Tuesday, 1 July 2008

Success at last...well sort of.

Big News....well after a fashion anway.

I've won a prize in a a competition run by Byker Books. My story 'The Invisible Man' has scooped a free book from them by the inimitable Danny King - which is a good thing.

Further to this though, through their link up with Newcastle Fanzine 'True Faith', I'm going to also see the story published in there for the first issue of the new football season!!

Vast amounts of exposure to Newcastle fans just as I've finished writing a book about my exploits following the Mags.

It's a sign I tell you, a sign....