Tuesday, 26 February 2008

Swift Justice...

Following my blast at the forces of Law and Order last week I feel I have to re-dress the balance slightly and recount an incident from Saturday night.

I had left a party along with my brother in law and our respective spouses in order to get another drink at a pub in the town where we live. Our route took us past a popular snooker club where a small crowd had gathered and a young man was removing his shirt and being restrained by his friends. Being gentlemen of the old school we naturally shepherded the ladies past the gathering and continued on our way.

After about ten paces we looked back to find that the crowd had turned into four men beating one man senseless and the boy with no shirt was nowhere to be seen.

Again, being old school, my brother in law and myself couldn’t allow four men to savagely beat one lad so we intervened, throwing the men off him and letting them know what we thought about their cowardice.

All of this had taken literally moments from our initial walking past of the club and, to the credit of the police, they were there within seconds. We walked away quickly and were passed by more lawmen running up the road to the scene.

So, in all fairness, I must applaud their reaction to what could have been a serious, even fatal incident, and I’ll leave them alone this week.

Mind you, if I get pulled at any time about it...

Thursday, 21 February 2008

Anarchy in the UK...

Here's a hypothetical situation - what do you think should happen and more importantly what do you know will happen:-

A man who is currently on bail, against police advice, for two armed robberies and with a string of violent incidents invoving guns, knives and bats tries to rob a shopkeeper.

Numerous witnesses give 'consistent' accounts of the fact that this man is armed with a knife and is definitely trying to rob the shopkeeper.

The man ends up dead by his own blade, a fact confirmed by the same witnesses.

The shopkeeper is left dazed and with knife wounds in his face, back and neck.

Right so in any right thinking country what do you think should happen?

That's right - the police and judiciary would award the shopkeeper a medal and be pleased that another violent thug is off the streets permanently.

But this isn't a right thinking country.....this is the Britain that Tony built and Gordon continues.

So what do you think has really happened?

Right again - the police who were nowhere to be seen during this attack arrested the shopkeeper and then bailed him pending further enquiries. They have also sent a file to the Crown Prosection Service (maybe CPS should stand for civilian persection service these days? just a thought) for them to decide whether manslaughter or murder charges should be brought against him.

This is the same police who will berate the public for not stepping in or for avoiding getting involved but the minute you do they'll nick you for anything they can as long as it ticks one of their target boxes - on reflection I'll give it a miss if the opportunity presents itself I think (especially with my back!).

Oh and this, incidentally, is in the same week a war hero pensioner was sent to prison for witholding a percentage of his council tax in protest at rising bills and the Lord Chief Justice issued guidelines that any offender who carries out common assault with a weapon (ie a knife or a bat) should only get a community sentence.

Skewed priorities?

It went beyond that some years ago - this country's fucked.

Wednesday, 20 February 2008

Back in???


Have you noticed how the frequency of my posts directly correlates with the time I'm off work - spooky eh?

Right, the official verdict on my back comes from my physio - I have injured my spine - yes, my fucking SPINE - you know the one it carries your whole body from birth to death and if you break it you're pretty much finished.

Apparently, I have knocked my facet joint out of sync and this is causing my huge and well developed trapezium muscle to kick off and inflame. So taking one of my loyal readers advice(and more importantly, the physio's)I have self-certified myself for the rest of the week and am spending a lot of time immersed in hot baths and deep heat cream (which is canny hot like!). I've also got another session with the young, blonde and very pleasant physio on Friday which may sound very nice but in reality is quite painful (and yet still good - I wonder what Freud would have made of that??)

So I'll probably be doing some work on Magpie Ranger for the next few days as well as looking to explore new areas of possible freelance work - what I really need is a magazine where they encourage both swearing and spleen venting for vast sums of money...any ideas?

Oh, and one final thing, everyone with tendonitis (ie my 'little' brother) can just get back to nursery cos spinal injuries are for real blokes who are obviously as hard as nails - see you later.

Tuesday, 19 February 2008

Cold Shouldered....

Two things have happened to me so far this week - one good and one bad.

On Sunday night I went to Oxford to see Dave Spikey on his 'laughter is the best medicine' tour - you'll all remember Dave as 'Jerry' from Phoenix nights - and he was very funny. I won't make myself look stupid by trying to repeat anything he said (or did) here but trust me, he was good.

That was the good thing - here comes the bad one...

I've had a bit of bother with my shoulder recently, I damaged it at work and it's stopped me training properly (which is annoying at the best of times) as generally caused me pain. Luckily I'm a tough Geordie hammer thrower so I just ignored it.....well until yesterday.....I was just getting out of the bath (try to contain yourselves ladies - hard I know) and having a stretch before getting ready for work when something in my back popped and left me in a heap on the floor, whimpering like a posh boy in a northern kebab shop at midnight.

Obviously I took the day off work (hooray), but not before securing their promise to pay for some physio, and am hitting the doctors today - hopefully there'll be some lengthy signing off going on.

Anyway, that's it from me today, still no news on my various manuscripts at various publishers but as soon as I know anything then you will.

See you later kids...

PS - Just realised that as the government now own Northern Rock they are, in effect, sponsoring my football team with your taxes - Ha ha cheers lads!!!

Friday, 15 February 2008

Everything is average nowadays- Part 6

Can you hear that?


That faint rumbling sound in the distance - hear it now?


Do you know what it is?

That's right - it's a Fasthands rant and it's coming your way NOW.

Sports journalists on national 'newspapers' with an obvious agenda against certain clubs from the north; Kerry Katona - professional 'celebrity'; Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper - ministers who rake in over six hundred thousand pounds a year thanks to clever manipulation of their couple status and expenses forms whilst all the time supporting a government that reduces pensions for people who still live together as couples - hypocritical scumbags; Roy Keane - the 'world class' (Niall Quinns words-not mine) manager who recently had Sunderland players pretending to be sheep in a 'team bonding' exercise - mug; That bint who filmed her mates kicking an innocent bloke to death on her mobile - she's now hopefully going to prison and won't be looking forward to the happy slapping she'll be getting; Salesmen, canvassers and cold callers - get off my doorstep it's teatime; Macdonalds bacon rolls - one slice of bacon...FUCKING ONE!; Steven Spielberg, resigns from the olympic thing because of China's role in Darfur - wasn't he aware of what they were like before he took the aforementioned role or has he got a film coming out soon and would welcome the publicity - I wonder which it could be; Ashley Cole - you stupid, stupid bastard; Hard-Fi/Arctic Monkeys - their second album was shite; West Midlands Police - any excuse to nick a northerner you officious pricks; Students; Politicians in general and last, but not least, the inconsiderate wanker that continues to park outside my house thus stopping me from doing so.

They all boil my piss.

Have a good weekend.

Wednesday, 13 February 2008

Shameless self-promotion...

No, not politicians today - I've just noticed a number of new readers lately and thought I'd take the opportunity to plug my new website.

It's intended to showcase my writing and chart my progress on the never ending struggle to gain recognition and be published.


Feel free to have a look round, leave your name in the guestbook and comment/rate the stuff that's on there - oh and spread the link to your mates....particularly if they're literary agents or publishers!!


Monday, 11 February 2008

Holidays in the Sun...

Hello again, remember me?

I must apologise for my lack of posts lately, basically it's because my boss is a twat.

Anyway, I went to watch Newcastle get smashed at Aston Villa last Saturday and, despite the result, which I half expected anyway, I had a very good day out. With this in mind I thought you might like to have a look at my latest article for Players Inc without having to go to the bother of actually buying a copy - I'm good to you.

Holidays in the sun

There will be those of you who’ve been a little disappointed by the results of the messiah’s return thus far. Some of you were no doubt dreaming of us storming up the table and into the european places just before we battered Man Utd in the FA Cup final and have been a little discomfited by the chill wind of reality. Me? I knew we’d struggle for the rest of the season. I also knew we wouldn’t qualify for any european competition (fingers crossed for the fair play league eh…or maybe not with Smith and Barton in the team!) so I’m not downhearted in any way shape or form.

Yes we’ve been tanked in a few games, yes we’re struggling for both goals and points and yes, I admit relegation is a real possibility but look further than the london based tabloid headlines and you can see the beginnings of a new era at St. James.

In the first half against Villa we dominated them, even though we were carrying the likes of Barton (slow, and over-rated in my opinion – that’s not me being vicious though) they couldn’t get the ball off us. When Kev’s had time to get his own men in then we’ll see that start to turn into full games of keeping possession and toying with the better teams.

If you look back at Wor Kev’s previous go around at Newcastle he started slowly, he just kept us up in Division two with a mixed bag of results and performances before he got to have a proper pre-season and work with everyone away from the hurly burly of a match every couple of days.

Throw into the mix that it also gave him time to plan and execute his transfer policy and it’s obvious we should be looking forward to next season with relish.

That summer we stayed up he got rid of half a team and brought in players of the calibre of Venison, Bracewell, Beresford and (a few weeks later) the mighty Robert Lee. He persuaded them all to sign for a team that was literally minutes from going into Division Three (once again thank you messrs Kelly and Peacock – lest we forget) and then lit the blue touch paper.

The paralells that can be drawn from that season all those years ago to this current mess are eerily similar:- underperforming players on big money; disenchanted fans; cowardice in the face of the enemy (ie good teams!) and, most importantly, a new owner making his first managerial appointment and being prepared to throw buckets of money at making it work

So smile at the social inadequates who try to bait you with jibes about our underachieving club, dismiss the ‘journalists’ who find every excuse possible to have a go at us (you could even stop buying their paper – just a thought like) and ignore the pundits on the telly who repeat gossip, fabrication and rumour as solid fact.

As Newcastle supporters, the best thing we can do now is get behind the lads on the park regardless of whether we think they deserve to play for us or not, write off this season and then book our summer holidays knowing that while we’re on the beach and drinking lager for breakfast Kev will be hard at work on our behalf.

He loves the club, he loves us and he’s got unfinished business with a few old adversaries.

Next season’s going to be great – I can’t wait.

Howay the lads

Tuesday, 5 February 2008

Bread Ken?

Continuing my theme of politicians being out of touch and more of a hindrance to British life than anything else I feel I must comment on ‘Red’ Kens latest wheeze.

He’s charging selected haulage firms £200 per lorry per day for them to enter London under the guise of ‘improving the air quality’ of London.

What a load of shite.

It’s purely about money and, as everything is with these wankers, it’s simply another tax on the working classes (I’m talking the one man haulage firms here).

It won’t happen but I’d love to see all the hauliers stand together and stick it up the smug, holier than thou twat and refuse to deliver anything to the capital for a week or so – he’d shit himself when the bread queues started wouldn’t he?