Chris Moyles - Unfunny fat prick who tried to 'wittily' mock Terry Wogan at a recent 'do' only to find that, as ever, when he hasn't got a script and a bunch of chortling sycophants his 'banter' is seen for the plain humourless rudeness that it really is...oh and Wogan wipes the floor with your listening figures you fucking obese knobjockey so fuck off; Boilers that cease to work properly in winter despite you only having them for five poxy years - moral of story, never, ever buy a Potterton boiler as they're shit and the company don't want to know; Spammers who try to flood your blog with adverts for Viagra, hoo man we're all proper blokes on here and we can all get hard ons without assistance, find a mackem site and they'll welcome you with open arms; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; Sozzled charvas complete with requisite 'leisure wear' and gold sitting behind you at premier boxing events - wankers; People who mob supermarkets, walk slowly, stop without warning, hit you with their trolleys and try to buy everything they can see just cos it's Christmas - IT ONLY CLOSES FOR ONE FUCKING DAY YOU BUNCH OF SHEEP; Their fat, ungrateful offspring who whine on and on whilst blocking your way to the booze - just shut up and move out of my way you X Factor fodder; Students, no reason just fucking hate them; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, absolute scum of the earth - no explanantion needed; And Finally...Jordan AKA Katie Price AKA spiritual leader of Britain's charva classes ...look love, you're not pretty, all that plastic isn't sexy and you come across like the most horrible woman in the world do yourself, and more importantly your kids (remember them eh?) a favour and put some clothes on, cease ya whining and stop behaving like an out of control slag... then give Kerry Katona a ring to arrange some etiquette lessons you monstrous fucking shrieking harridan!
Ah that's better, spleen vented and calm returning.
That's it from me for 2009 kids. I hope you all have a good Christmas and a prosperous 2010.
Cheers
Sunday, 13 December 2009
Thursday, 26 November 2009
Oooh Byker, Byker, Ooooh Byker, Byker BOOKS!
Good News!
My crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' will be published by Byker Books next summer - a release date of July has been tentatively mooted.
This will put me shoulder to shoulder on their list with Danny King whose comic crime book 'More Burglar Diaries' they recently launched. You can buy it here at a discounted price incidentally:-
.....Just in time for Christmas eh!
Right then I'm off to practice being an A list celeb. Later.
My crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' will be published by Byker Books next summer - a release date of July has been tentatively mooted.
This will put me shoulder to shoulder on their list with Danny King whose comic crime book 'More Burglar Diaries' they recently launched. You can buy it here at a discounted price incidentally:-
.....Just in time for Christmas eh!
Right then I'm off to practice being an A list celeb. Later.
Tuesday, 10 November 2009
IF...by Geordie Kipling
I found this on the Newcastle United Supporters Trust website - it's brilliant!
IF you can keep your name when other clubs
Are losing theirs and blaming it on the latest coup,
If you can trust yourself when Ashley betrays you,
But make allowance for his betrayal too;
If you can wait for him to go and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied to, don't believe his lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating him,
And yet don't like, nor talk of Dennis Wise:
If you can dream of promotion - and not make it your master;
If you can drink brown ale - and not make fighting your aim;
If you can meet with Ashley and Llambias - what a disaster
And treat those two impostors with great shame;
If you can hear the Gallowgate sing - then they have spoken
Their bitter memories of McKeag, Gullit and Cort,
If you can watch the team we give our lives to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up again with undying support:
If we can make one heap of all our winnings
And risk it on last seasons’ utter dross,
Relegation a chance to start again at our beginnings
And never breathe a word about our loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after Ashley has gone,
And so hold on lads ‘n’ lasses when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can play Scunthorpe or Swansea and keep your virtue,
Or play with Man U or Chelsea and not lose the common touch,
If neither mackems nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the pitch with determination and grit
With ninety minutes' worth of distance run,
Yours is (and always will be) St James’ Park and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Geordie, my son!
By Geordie Kipling - exceedingly good kebabs
IF you can keep your name when other clubs
Are losing theirs and blaming it on the latest coup,
If you can trust yourself when Ashley betrays you,
But make allowance for his betrayal too;
If you can wait for him to go and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied to, don't believe his lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating him,
And yet don't like, nor talk of Dennis Wise:
If you can dream of promotion - and not make it your master;
If you can drink brown ale - and not make fighting your aim;
If you can meet with Ashley and Llambias - what a disaster
And treat those two impostors with great shame;
If you can hear the Gallowgate sing - then they have spoken
Their bitter memories of McKeag, Gullit and Cort,
If you can watch the team we give our lives to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up again with undying support:
If we can make one heap of all our winnings
And risk it on last seasons’ utter dross,
Relegation a chance to start again at our beginnings
And never breathe a word about our loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after Ashley has gone,
And so hold on lads ‘n’ lasses when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'
If you can play Scunthorpe or Swansea and keep your virtue,
Or play with Man U or Chelsea and not lose the common touch,
If neither mackems nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the pitch with determination and grit
With ninety minutes' worth of distance run,
Yours is (and always will be) St James’ Park and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Geordie, my son!
By Geordie Kipling - exceedingly good kebabs
Wednesday, 28 October 2009
You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club.
Mike 'The Proven Liar' Ashley has now declared he is going to take Newcastle Utd off the market as 'no-one has met the £80m asking price'. Call me pedantic BUT that's the same price Birmingham City went for in about two minutes, Everton are asking for £300m and even shitholes like Sunderland have changed hands for that sort of money recently. Now consider our position, we're top of a very average league with a squad made up of cast offs and youth team players, we're getting bigger crowds than Chelsea do in the champions league and Liverpool did against Man Utd and the fat liar reckons he can't sell the club for £80million! No-one believes you anymore Mike you dishonest, corrupt, obese parcel of shite. There was never any intention to sell the club just the usual stringing along of supporters to hide the lack of inward action for the third transfer window in a row.
As well as taking the club 'off the market' (like it was ever fucking on you fat wanker) he has appointed Chris Hughton as permanent manager - the same Chris Hughton who was in charge for a lot of our premiership demise last year and won one game, mind you he says 'yes' a lot and Mike the Liar likes that hence Joe Kinnear's employment.
Oh and apparently he's going to 'pump £20 million in this week' - pump it into what? We haven't made a net spend on any players for two years, in fact Mike the Liar has put a considerable few quid in his back pocket as a result of decimating our team and getting us relegated. We must be covering the wages as we're on telly every fucking week and are getting crowds in excess of most premiership clubs - so where's this £20 million being 'pumped' into then? Is it your tab at Greggs you fat cunt?
However, none of this is what's pissing me off today. No, it's the statement they sneaked in on the back end of the the announcements that has riled me beyond belief 'exploring maximum revenue streams including naming rights for the stadium'. Basically, he's going to change the name of St James Park for a few quid - we'll be called the Tesco Stadium or something because he's a childish, spiteful, evil, lying, prick.
One hundred and twenty years of tradition will be swept away in an instant at one of English footballs great clubs because a fat narcissist from Buckinghamshire is in a huff about being shown up to be a truly inept buffoon. Will the FA step in with their 'fit and proper persons test'? Will the national media do anything about it? Don't hold your breath.
Rumour has it that Ashley was close to attack when we lost at Scunthorpe the other night and stewards had to protect him. Well if he changes the name of our ground he might just have to get used to that.
As well as taking the club 'off the market' (like it was ever fucking on you fat wanker) he has appointed Chris Hughton as permanent manager - the same Chris Hughton who was in charge for a lot of our premiership demise last year and won one game, mind you he says 'yes' a lot and Mike the Liar likes that hence Joe Kinnear's employment.
Oh and apparently he's going to 'pump £20 million in this week' - pump it into what? We haven't made a net spend on any players for two years, in fact Mike the Liar has put a considerable few quid in his back pocket as a result of decimating our team and getting us relegated. We must be covering the wages as we're on telly every fucking week and are getting crowds in excess of most premiership clubs - so where's this £20 million being 'pumped' into then? Is it your tab at Greggs you fat cunt?
However, none of this is what's pissing me off today. No, it's the statement they sneaked in on the back end of the the announcements that has riled me beyond belief 'exploring maximum revenue streams including naming rights for the stadium'. Basically, he's going to change the name of St James Park for a few quid - we'll be called the Tesco Stadium or something because he's a childish, spiteful, evil, lying, prick.
One hundred and twenty years of tradition will be swept away in an instant at one of English footballs great clubs because a fat narcissist from Buckinghamshire is in a huff about being shown up to be a truly inept buffoon. Will the FA step in with their 'fit and proper persons test'? Will the national media do anything about it? Don't hold your breath.
Rumour has it that Ashley was close to attack when we lost at Scunthorpe the other night and stewards had to protect him. Well if he changes the name of our ground he might just have to get used to that.
Thursday, 15 October 2009
Joined up government?
Does anything actually work like it's supposed to in this country?
The Transport System. You can't drive anywhere without half the roads being closed or full of traffic cones that cause tailbacks and make you slow to a crawl so workers that aren't actually there are protected...and don't get me started on the fucking abortion that is the train service.
The child protection mob - whatever they're called. They aren't fit for purpose whichever way you look at it as every day brings another story of some poor little sod being abused in one way or another and another head of whichever department for pointless jobs hanging on for the payoff without even apologising.
The DSS. Apparently there's ELEVEN BILLION (that's eleven thousand million!) pounds spent every year from the public purse on disability benefits but the government are actually aware that 75% of them are faking it - that's about 8 Billion quid's worth! - they've just chosen to ignore it for the last decade...mind you there's an election coming up isn't there so doubtless they'll soon start talking a good game. Having said that, try paying many thousands of pounds into the system over the years through a series of well paid jobs and then get some back when you're made redundant through no fault of your own - persona non grata then ... bitter? Moi?
Democracy. In every other country it works like this :- you vote for who you want in charge and whoever gets the most votes then gets to rip off the most money until the next election. In this half arsed place we've went for the Zimbabwe option - no-one voted for the fucking gimp in charge (Brown or Mandelson, take your pick) but he's still taxing us to the hilt and giving what little spare we've got left to his euro mates.
The Armed Forces. Not a dig at them more the fucking donkeys who control them. If you take the decision to go to war and endanger the lives of thousand of brave men and women then you do it properly. You give them the best kit, the most firepower and excellent planning. Any of that happened for our boys and girls? Has it fuck. Do the politicians care? Do they fuck.
The Royal Mail. They can just fuck off the whingeing, soon to be closed down and out of a job because they're so greedy bunch of knobs.
Right, my spleen feels pretty much vented, I'm having a cup of tea.
Later.
The Transport System. You can't drive anywhere without half the roads being closed or full of traffic cones that cause tailbacks and make you slow to a crawl so workers that aren't actually there are protected...and don't get me started on the fucking abortion that is the train service.
The child protection mob - whatever they're called. They aren't fit for purpose whichever way you look at it as every day brings another story of some poor little sod being abused in one way or another and another head of whichever department for pointless jobs hanging on for the payoff without even apologising.
The DSS. Apparently there's ELEVEN BILLION (that's eleven thousand million!) pounds spent every year from the public purse on disability benefits but the government are actually aware that 75% of them are faking it - that's about 8 Billion quid's worth! - they've just chosen to ignore it for the last decade...mind you there's an election coming up isn't there so doubtless they'll soon start talking a good game. Having said that, try paying many thousands of pounds into the system over the years through a series of well paid jobs and then get some back when you're made redundant through no fault of your own - persona non grata then ... bitter? Moi?
Democracy. In every other country it works like this :- you vote for who you want in charge and whoever gets the most votes then gets to rip off the most money until the next election. In this half arsed place we've went for the Zimbabwe option - no-one voted for the fucking gimp in charge (Brown or Mandelson, take your pick) but he's still taxing us to the hilt and giving what little spare we've got left to his euro mates.
The Armed Forces. Not a dig at them more the fucking donkeys who control them. If you take the decision to go to war and endanger the lives of thousand of brave men and women then you do it properly. You give them the best kit, the most firepower and excellent planning. Any of that happened for our boys and girls? Has it fuck. Do the politicians care? Do they fuck.
The Royal Mail. They can just fuck off the whingeing, soon to be closed down and out of a job because they're so greedy bunch of knobs.
Right, my spleen feels pretty much vented, I'm having a cup of tea.
Later.
Tuesday, 22 September 2009
I'm a bit narked me like...
Alreet kids,
I've just been reading a lot of the reporting on Wor Bobby Robsons memorial yesterday and have to say that I find it a little hypocritical of the various media types,and especially their editors, to be talking about the man in such glowing terms.
They seem to forget that when he was Newcastle manager they mocked him for basically being over 65. They took the piss at every possible opportunity because he couldn't remember names and they got themselves all in a moral frenzy every time a Newcastle player did something wrong and implied it was down to Bobby 'losing the dressing room' - don't recall them saying owt like that when Gerrard lamped that bloke three times on cctv recently mind, must depend which club you're at eh?
When the fat leech that ran/milked our club at the time of Bobby's sacking publicly humiliated and shafted him, his equally odious mate Douglas Hall came out with 'Robson was taking us down' and the majority of the Southern based national media nodded their heads in sage acquisence.
Looking back further, the editors of these self same Southern based national newspapers crucified Robson when he was England manager, despite him being the second best national manager ever, usually for the crime of never having managed West Ham or Tottenham.
So, to see the thousands of words written yesterday idolising the man they once villified just sums up the state of this nations media and sadly, the people it's aimed at, the junk food, instant fix, 'reality tv' brigade.
Hypocritical, dishonest and idiotic - both the media and the tabloid fodder it serves.
Fuck them all.
Ps - Mike Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend yesterday - more classy behaviour from the fat cockney pikey that has wrecked a once great English Football Club. You might not have read about that like as Newcastle is a long way from Fleet Street and Wapping.
I've just been reading a lot of the reporting on Wor Bobby Robsons memorial yesterday and have to say that I find it a little hypocritical of the various media types,and especially their editors, to be talking about the man in such glowing terms.
They seem to forget that when he was Newcastle manager they mocked him for basically being over 65. They took the piss at every possible opportunity because he couldn't remember names and they got themselves all in a moral frenzy every time a Newcastle player did something wrong and implied it was down to Bobby 'losing the dressing room' - don't recall them saying owt like that when Gerrard lamped that bloke three times on cctv recently mind, must depend which club you're at eh?
When the fat leech that ran/milked our club at the time of Bobby's sacking publicly humiliated and shafted him, his equally odious mate Douglas Hall came out with 'Robson was taking us down' and the majority of the Southern based national media nodded their heads in sage acquisence.
Looking back further, the editors of these self same Southern based national newspapers crucified Robson when he was England manager, despite him being the second best national manager ever, usually for the crime of never having managed West Ham or Tottenham.
So, to see the thousands of words written yesterday idolising the man they once villified just sums up the state of this nations media and sadly, the people it's aimed at, the junk food, instant fix, 'reality tv' brigade.
Hypocritical, dishonest and idiotic - both the media and the tabloid fodder it serves.
Fuck them all.
Ps - Mike Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend yesterday - more classy behaviour from the fat cockney pikey that has wrecked a once great English Football Club. You might not have read about that like as Newcastle is a long way from Fleet Street and Wapping.
Sunday, 13 September 2009
Life On Mars?
My Name is Fast Hands. I've been on holiday. When I came back I was in 1947 and Dame Vera Lynn was No.1. Am I in a coma or just going mad? Now I know I have to get back to 2009 with it's ineffectual police, amoral politicians and Chris fucking Moyles.
Actually, bollocks to that, think I'll stay here. Altogether now:-
We'll meet again...
Actually, bollocks to that, think I'll stay here. Altogether now:-
We'll meet again...
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