Brit Grit Too...and a bit of a review...

Alreet,


I contributed a story to a charity anthology entitled 'Brit Grit Too' some time ago and then promptly forgot all about it (I'm a busy man ye kna!) Anyway, it's out on the Kindle and it's cheap so have a look.


I was reminded of it recently when someone pointed me to a review of said anthology in which the reviewer said : 'Andy Rivers' superb Geraldine comes immediately to mind. A twisted tale of football fans and murder, told with real sympathy (underneath the macho exterior) and a genuine voice. The narrator honestly feels like somebody I've met and forgotten.'


Here's a link to the full review in case you think I'm talking nonsense. 

Canny eh? Now buy my books and see if he's talking shite!! ;-)

Dear Santa...

As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-

1. Mike Ashley - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.
2. Michael Barrymore - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.
3. The knobs who run AOL - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.
4. My Laptop - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.
5. The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.
6. Derek Llambias - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.
7. The Reading Public - news of my books and how to get them...please!
8. Alan Pardew - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.
9. Top Models all over the world - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.
10. The winner of this years X-Factor - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?
11. Students - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.
12. Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing - a photoshoot in Syria.

That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? Smashing. 
See you next year.


Yours Sincerely,


Fasthands

You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club....

Some things are beyond profit and personal gain.
Always and forever.....

More Clubmen.....

The Club Man Chronicles

An (extremely) irregular series showing life as seen through the eyes of the regulars at a Northern Working Mans Club


Knocker

Christmas Time

Santa’s a swine

He didn’t bring

Me bike last time

With logs on the fire

And a bat by the stair

He’s getting knocked out

If I don’t get one this year…

KNOCKER…GET OFF THAT FUCKING MICROPHONE AND TURN THAT CLIFF RICHARD RECORD OFF – THE TURN’S ON IN A MINUTE…

Heh heh heh…

Tapped!

You're not going to believe this like but I was robbing cleaning this place in Wapping last night when I found this tape lying about with a label on saying 'Sleazeball and Greedy fat cocksucker 08/11/11' on it. So I played the tape and..well...maybe you should just read the transcript :-

- Mike, Degsy here me ol' china.
- Awright Degs, how's it in the frozen Norf my son. They still 'ate us do they?
-Nah Guv, that's why I'm ringin' innit. They're startin' to fink we're okay.
-Wot? Even though we treated Keegan and Shearer like absolute dogshit, relegated 'em, raped the club of it's best and most saleable assets and generally took the piss out of every single fackin one of 'em?
-Yeah guv, even though we did all that. It's 'cos the gimp has managed to do alright by beating teams like Wigan and Wolves and that. E' even used that phrase abaht 'marking their cards' and they fell for it. By the way you still has to knock a monkey off of his debt for saying that.
-No probs geezah, he'll still owe me enough to keep 'im up there for a long time yet. Tell 'im I'll knock anuvva pony off if he says it again in a weeks time cos I'm finkin' that if the fick Norvern Mankeys is ripe for it then it's time for Plan B my san.
-I was 'oping you'd say that Mike - I've got the statement here now. Listen to this bit 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Pppppfffftttttt...they fink the money will go to the team ha ha ha ha fackin' Geordie mugs!
- I know boss, they've even forgot about the £35mill we squirrelled down our sky rockets. Norveners, thick as fack guvnor, thick as fack.
- Yeah fack it. Do the statement about re-naming the grand on Thursday - tell the gimp to keep his loaf of bread dahn for the time bein' - wot shall we call it then?
- 'Sports Direct Arena' guv, got to be innit? That'll fack them right off wunnit?
- Good call Degsy, good call. That's wot it'll be then. I'm sure they'll say something abaht 'istory and tradition and that but the fick Norven cants need to understand I'm dahn to me last Billion so there's no way I'm only takin' £40 million a year out of their poxy little clab when I can 'ave more.
- It's all abaht the cash boss, nuffink else matters in this life.
- Bang on Degsy, bang on me old son. I've 'ad anuvver idea an' all Degs.
-Wot's 'at gorgeous...I mean boss?
- I'm gunna shit on the staute of that Jocky Miliband they've got up there an' all.
- I fink it's Jackie Milburn my love...I mean guv.
- Wotevva, I'm gunna shit all over it. That'll fackin' learn 'em.
- Stone the crows guv, they'll go mental.
- Nah they won't cos we'll just say I was sponsored by Sports Direct and the money'll go straight to the team and we need it 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Ha ha, you are one diamond geezah Mikey. Let's go and spend some of that £35 mill on hookers in Barbados while them Norven fuckwits bleat and argue amongst themsleves abaht the grand.
- Nice One Degsy - see you at 'Eathrow. Tell the gimp not to say anything while we're gone.
- Right you are Guv. Laters.

So there you go. I mean, obviously, I've got no idea who it is or what there on about - any of you got a clue?

The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .

I get a mention in this...fame at last eh? Have a look.

The Voices in My Head: Byker Books - the entire catalogue . . .: Those cheeky chappies over at Byker Books - purveyors of top notch Brit Grit, titles including the legendary Radgepacket series - now have ...

Ask an Author...or even ask me....

I'm currently taking part in a month long 'Ask an Author' session on the 'Close2TheBone' blog - this means that anyone (fucking ANYONE mind!) can ask me a question about the nuts and bolts of being a top author. Fucked if I know why they're asking me cos the closest I've ever been to a top author was that time I threw a plate at the telly when Jeffrey Archer was on...anyway...they asked me so I'm doing it.

Here's the link - why don't you join in?

Fasthands talks shite...again

Right then, must go and practice my lies for when someone asks about groupies...later kids.