Dear Santa...

As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-

1. Mike Ashley - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.
2. Michael Barrymore - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.
3. The knobs who run AOL - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.
4. My Laptop - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.
5. The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.
6. Derek Llambias - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.
7. The Reading Public - news of my books and how to get them...please!
8. Alan Pardew - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.
9. Top Models all over the world - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.
10. The winner of this years X-Factor - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?
11. Students - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.
12. Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing - a photoshoot in Syria.

That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? Smashing. 
See you next year.


Yours Sincerely,


Fasthands