Dear Santa...

As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-

1. Mike Ashley - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.
2. Michael Barrymore - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.
3. The knobs who run AOL - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.
4. My Laptop - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.
5. The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.
6. Derek Llambias - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.
7. The Reading Public - news of my books and how to get them...please!
8. Alan Pardew - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.
9. Top Models all over the world - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.
10. The winner of this years X-Factor - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?
11. Students - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.
12. Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing - a photoshoot in Syria.

That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? Smashing. 
See you next year.


Yours Sincerely,


Fasthands

Tapped!

You're not going to believe this like but I was robbing cleaning this place in Wapping last night when I found this tape lying about with a label on saying 'Sleazeball and Greedy fat cocksucker 08/11/11' on it. So I played the tape and..well...maybe you should just read the transcript :-

- Mike, Degsy here me ol' china.
- Awright Degs, how's it in the frozen Norf my son. They still 'ate us do they?
-Nah Guv, that's why I'm ringin' innit. They're startin' to fink we're okay.
-Wot? Even though we treated Keegan and Shearer like absolute dogshit, relegated 'em, raped the club of it's best and most saleable assets and generally took the piss out of every single fackin one of 'em?
-Yeah guv, even though we did all that. It's 'cos the gimp has managed to do alright by beating teams like Wigan and Wolves and that. E' even used that phrase abaht 'marking their cards' and they fell for it. By the way you still has to knock a monkey off of his debt for saying that.
-No probs geezah, he'll still owe me enough to keep 'im up there for a long time yet. Tell 'im I'll knock anuvva pony off if he says it again in a weeks time cos I'm finkin' that if the fick Norvern Mankeys is ripe for it then it's time for Plan B my san.
-I was 'oping you'd say that Mike - I've got the statement here now. Listen to this bit 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Pppppfffftttttt...they fink the money will go to the team ha ha ha ha fackin' Geordie mugs!
- I know boss, they've even forgot about the £35mill we squirrelled down our sky rockets. Norveners, thick as fack guvnor, thick as fack.
- Yeah fack it. Do the statement about re-naming the grand on Thursday - tell the gimp to keep his loaf of bread dahn for the time bein' - wot shall we call it then?
- 'Sports Direct Arena' guv, got to be innit? That'll fack them right off wunnit?
- Good call Degsy, good call. That's wot it'll be then. I'm sure they'll say something abaht 'istory and tradition and that but the fick Norven cants need to understand I'm dahn to me last Billion so there's no way I'm only takin' £40 million a year out of their poxy little clab when I can 'ave more.
- It's all abaht the cash boss, nuffink else matters in this life.
- Bang on Degsy, bang on me old son. I've 'ad anuvver idea an' all Degs.
-Wot's 'at gorgeous...I mean boss?
- I'm gunna shit on the staute of that Jocky Miliband they've got up there an' all.
- I fink it's Jackie Milburn my love...I mean guv.
- Wotevva, I'm gunna shit all over it. That'll fackin' learn 'em.
- Stone the crows guv, they'll go mental.
- Nah they won't cos we'll just say I was sponsored by Sports Direct and the money'll go straight to the team and we need it 'In order to compete with the big clubs..'
- Ha ha, you are one diamond geezah Mikey. Let's go and spend some of that £35 mill on hookers in Barbados while them Norven fuckwits bleat and argue amongst themsleves abaht the grand.
- Nice One Degsy - see you at 'Eathrow. Tell the gimp not to say anything while we're gone.
- Right you are Guv. Laters.

So there you go. I mean, obviously, I've got no idea who it is or what there on about - any of you got a clue?

Everything is average nowadays - part 11

Fat Charva pikey neighbours who, after years of behaving like feral teenagers, suddenly decide that, with the onset of their second child to a different bloke, they'll 'nest' culminating in huge gaps in the hedge that protects you from seeing their fat, ugly, spotty, white bread, junk food ravaged faces because the thick cunt she's shacked up with now doesn't have English as his first language and doesn't understand 'stop cutting the roots away you prick'; E-on, the energy supplier, rude customer service and stupid bastards in charge - we're gone you fuckers; Students - wankers; People who moaned about Adam Ant when we went to see him in concert - you know who you are you un-rock n roll huckle; Chris Moyles - just hate the unfunny fat prick; AOL - not only barefaced robbing bastards who promise you one thing and then try to charge you for another before going very quiet when you catch them out they also palm you off with shit routers that only work intermittently before claiming it's your line that's to blame - well it worked fine before I switched routers you bunch of fucking dildo's; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; The Daily Express or as it should be called now The Channel 5 programme guide; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, scum; And Finally...drivers who don't indicate - why? I'm not a mind-reader and you've got your kids in that car. Is it so much effort to flick the stalk on the side of your wheel you incompetent cunt? Is stuffing crisps into your fat face more important than me knowing which exit you're coming off at the roundabout as I put my two tons of killing machine into gear and pull out in your path...tosser!

Right, feel better for that - go and watch the match now - no way I'll get narked with Pardew is charge is there......

I can see a liar....

Since knifing Chris Hughton in the back in order to take his job Alan Pardew has been vocal about everything concerned with Newcastle United. There are those who think he's a bare-faced liar who will say anything to get out of whatever question he's just been asked, those who think he's simply a foolish dupe who has been hired to be Ashley's scapegoat as he's thick as fuck and a tiny minority who think that he's a capable football manager and that spending most of his career in the lower divisions before being sacked by league two Southampton for being shit was ideal preparation for managing the third best supported club in England.

Well, you know me, I'm all about giving people a chance to dig their own graves - so let's examine some of the drivel he's spouted shall we :-

• David Beckham is a player who could wear a Newcastle shirt I think. (Jan 06/11)

Aye right.

• We have given the answer to anyone who has contacted us that he's not for sale - it's as simple as that, I can't say strongly enough that Andy Carroll will not leave in this window, 100 per cent. (Jan 06/11)

Pants on fire Alan you big fibber.

• 'Look, this money has to be reinvested in the team. All of it,'" Pardew said. "And he assured me of that. That is the most important message I can give Newcastle fans today. I talked to Mike 15 minutes ago to clarify that and he was pretty clear. The money will be Andy's legacy to the team. (Feb01/11)

Note the word 'TEAM' - not 'Club' or 'training ground' or 'wages for a free transfer who's shit anyway'

• "We want to secure Kevin - I certainly do," (May 23/11)
• My opinion is that we couldn't give Kevin a five-year contract because, if Kevin isn't playing first-team football, he isn't going to be the leader we want, I'm convinced of that (July 05/11)

Change of mind Al??

• there will be another striker coming in. We’re poised to do what we can and I still think we can bring in another two offensive players. (Jul 05/11)

This is after we signed Demba Ba Pardew fans - so yes he was talking shite.

There's fucking loads more but I really can't be arsed spending time on someone who thinks we're as thick as pigshit and believe everything he says - particularly his new 'oh poor me, it's not my fault' act.

so what's the verdict I hear you ask, well here's one more 'cos I think you already know what I think of Ashleys puppet...

• We need to bring players in Newcastle fans love that can get you out of your seat (May 23/11)

Possibly the only time he's told the truth - attendances are currently 10,000 down with more set to chuck it in after the lies about bringing a striker in - nice one Al, you really have got bums off seats you clueless cockney cunt!

Separated At Birth - Part 4

Mike Ashley / Freddy Shepherd

Honestly, they could be twins!: -

• They both made disastrous, ridiculous and, frankly, criminal managerial appointments in the likes of Joe 'Fuckin' Kinnear and Graeme 'I only like proper players me' Souness.

• They both surrounded themselves with absolute clowns who they paid from the supporters money - Douglas Hall, Derek Llambias, Dennis Wise, did I mention Graeme Souness?

• They both (to date) have left the club in a worse position in which they found it.

• I hate them both

• They both forced out Kevin Keegan because he knew more about the club and the city than they did and they were jealous.

• They're both obese.

• They both use(d) as much spin as possible to keep the fans onside without realising that everyone is a lot more media savvy these days and can see right through them.

• They both got caught out treating the fans like mugs - Shepherd via the News of The World (I haven't forgotten fatty!) and Ashley via Keegan's tribunal where he and his regime admitted lying to fans repeatedly.

• They’re both cunts.

Lest we forget...

IF...by Geordie Kipling

I found this on the Newcastle United Supporters Trust website - it's brilliant!

IF you can keep your name when other clubs
Are losing theirs and blaming it on the latest coup,
If you can trust yourself when Ashley betrays you,
But make allowance for his betrayal too;
If you can wait for him to go and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied to, don't believe his lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating him,
And yet don't like, nor talk of Dennis Wise:

If you can dream of promotion - and not make it your master;
If you can drink brown ale - and not make fighting your aim;
If you can meet with Ashley and Llambias - what a disaster
And treat those two impostors with great shame;
If you can hear the Gallowgate sing - then they have spoken
Their bitter memories of McKeag, Gullit and Cort,
If you can watch the team we give our lives to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up again with undying support:

If we can make one heap of all our winnings
And risk it on last seasons’ utter dross,
Relegation a chance to start again at our beginnings
And never breathe a word about our loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after Ashley has gone,
And so hold on lads ‘n’ lasses when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can play Scunthorpe or Swansea and keep your virtue,
Or play with Man U or Chelsea and not lose the common touch,
If neither mackems nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the pitch with determination and grit
With ninety minutes' worth of distance run,
Yours is (and always will be) St James’ Park and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Geordie, my son!

By Geordie Kipling - exceedingly good kebabs

You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club.

Mike 'The Proven Liar' Ashley has now declared he is going to take Newcastle Utd off the market as 'no-one has met the £80m asking price'. Call me pedantic BUT that's the same price Birmingham City went for in about two minutes, Everton are asking for £300m and even shitholes like Sunderland have changed hands for that sort of money recently. Now consider our position, we're top of a very average league with a squad made up of cast offs and youth team players, we're getting bigger crowds than Chelsea do in the champions league and Liverpool did against Man Utd and the fat liar reckons he can't sell the club for £80million! No-one believes you anymore Mike you dishonest, corrupt, obese parcel of shite. There was never any intention to sell the club just the usual stringing along of supporters to hide the lack of inward action for the third transfer window in a row.

As well as taking the club 'off the market' (like it was ever fucking on you fat wanker) he has appointed Chris Hughton as permanent manager - the same Chris Hughton who was in charge for a lot of our premiership demise last year and won one game, mind you he says 'yes' a lot and Mike the Liar likes that hence Joe Kinnear's employment.

Oh and apparently he's going to 'pump £20 million in this week' - pump it into what? We haven't made a net spend on any players for two years, in fact Mike the Liar has put a considerable few quid in his back pocket as a result of decimating our team and getting us relegated. We must be covering the wages as we're on telly every fucking week and are getting crowds in excess of most premiership clubs - so where's this £20 million being 'pumped' into then? Is it your tab at Greggs you fat cunt?

However, none of this is what's pissing me off today. No, it's the statement they sneaked in on the back end of the the announcements that has riled me beyond belief 'exploring maximum revenue streams including naming rights for the stadium'. Basically, he's going to change the name of St James Park for a few quid - we'll be called the Tesco Stadium or something because he's a childish, spiteful, evil, lying, prick.

One hundred and twenty years of tradition will be swept away in an instant at one of English footballs great clubs because a fat narcissist from Buckinghamshire is in a huff about being shown up to be a truly inept buffoon. Will the FA step in with their 'fit and proper persons test'? Will the national media do anything about it? Don't hold your breath.

Rumour has it that Ashley was close to attack when we lost at Scunthorpe the other night and stewards had to protect him. Well if he changes the name of our ground he might just have to get used to that.

I'm a bit narked me like...

Alreet kids,

I've just been reading a lot of the reporting on Wor Bobby Robsons memorial yesterday and have to say that I find it a little hypocritical of the various media types,and especially their editors, to be talking about the man in such glowing terms.

They seem to forget that when he was Newcastle manager they mocked him for basically being over 65. They took the piss at every possible opportunity because he couldn't remember names and they got themselves all in a moral frenzy every time a Newcastle player did something wrong and implied it was down to Bobby 'losing the dressing room' - don't recall them saying owt like that when Gerrard lamped that bloke three times on cctv recently mind, must depend which club you're at eh?

When the fat leech that ran/milked our club at the time of Bobby's sacking publicly humiliated and shafted him, his equally odious mate Douglas Hall came out with 'Robson was taking us down' and the majority of the Southern based national media nodded their heads in sage acquisence.

Looking back further, the editors of these self same Southern based national newspapers crucified Robson when he was England manager, despite him being the second best national manager ever, usually for the crime of never having managed West Ham or Tottenham.

So, to see the thousands of words written yesterday idolising the man they once villified just sums up the state of this nations media and sadly, the people it's aimed at, the junk food, instant fix, 'reality tv' brigade.

Hypocritical, dishonest and idiotic - both the media and the tabloid fodder it serves.

Fuck them all.

Ps - Mike Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend yesterday - more classy behaviour from the fat cockney pikey that has wrecked a once great English Football Club. You might not have read about that like as Newcastle is a long way from Fleet Street and Wapping.

Oh...man....!

Well, that’s that then! Frankly, I’m glad this abortive season is all over and, even though we got relegated I’m just relieved it’s all finished.I’ve got to ask the question though – how on earth did Mike Ashley make all that money when he is blatantly as thick as fuck?

What kind of idiot backs Dennis Wise over Kevin Keegan IN NEWCASTLE?

What kind of stupid, fat, clueless cunt even contemplates Joe ‘me heart’s fucked and I haven’t been a manager since relegating Forest about ten years ago’ Kinnear as the manager of a team in freefall?

What kind of imbelic, brain dead, makem like, fucking pleb then doesn’t replace the aforementioned Mr. Kinnear and instead lets the team and club and city slide to it’s doom before bringing in someone professional once it’s too fucking late?

I’ll tell you what kind – the same kind of obese moron that then decides to sell the club and put it in managerless limbo just as everyone else is preparing for next season thus condemning us to another season of fucking about, playing catch up and getting nowhere.

Anyway, apparently the Sultan of Oman is sniffing around so let’s hope he comes up with the shekels sharpish and we can fuck the fat doylum off quickly and get back to being a football club again instead of a spoilt rich boy’s plaything.

Speaking of spoilt rich boys I was a bit surprised at the Villa fans being so jubilant at sending us down like – I realise that the media have managed to turn us into football lepers as far as the rest of the country is concerned but they were properly, eye bulgingly, face contortedly, screamingly, about to burst a fuse, desperate to send us down and I can’t for the life of me remember what we’ve ever done to them?

Every Villa fan I spoke to before and after the match (and there was a canny few – I’ll talk to anyone me, I mean I’m even talking to you now aren’t I…) didn’t want us to go down – so where did the 30,000 who did come from?

Anyway, they’re on my list now (it’s getting long my list) and, as we all know, football is cyclical and what goes around comes around. Twenty years ago Man Utd were a mid-table team with a barely known Scottish manager who most of their fans wanted sacked. So there’ll come a time when we can do them a bad turn and when that happens I’ll be there laughing my head off at them. Well that’s if any of the fickle fuckers turn up. These are the same fans who were booing Martin O’ Neill and their team off the pitch a few games ago – in fact if there’s any justice in the world at all then their chairman – the admirable Mr Lerner and Ashley will swap clubs – now that’d be funny!

Reasons to be cheerful 1...2...3

1. My book ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is being published in the summer and I know of at least three people who’ll buy it so that’s a pint I can afford.
2. When Newcastle go down under the stewardship of Messrs Ashley (fat cunt), Wise (evil little dwarf cunt) and Llambias (greasy cockney spiv cunt) then we’ll play more games on a Saturday, probably win more as we’re in a shiter division and that incompetent fat virgin will lose half of his investment overnight.
3. I’m going drinking with Danny King (top author bloke – if you haven’t discovered him yet you should) in a few weeks and then I’m off to see The Specials the next night with the Wolverhampton mob – woohoo!

Just thought I’d share that with you all.

Later.

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 9

Politicians who are getting all hysterical about Fred Goodwin’s gold plated pension deal and are demanding that he ‘does the right thing’ – don’t make me laugh you amoral, corrupt, grasping cunts, the hypocrisy emanating from you self righteous fuckers is sickening; Mike Ashley – we’re going down, you caused it, don’t try to convince us otherwise you nepotistic fat wanker; Chris Moyles – no particular reason this time I just fucking hate him; Cats that drag dead birds into your garden and leave them there – hope the fox gets you and does the same you little twats; Regional news that isn’t actually about your region – what’s that all about; Dennis Wise – Mike Ashleys gay lover; Agent Million from the Premium Bonds – he appears to have lost my address; People on Facebook who earnestly join every ‘cause’ going and feel the need to send these ‘causes’ on to me – fuck off, I don’t care; Whoever decided the Euro should be worth the same as the pound thus fucking up my little trip to Berlin; Joe Kinnear – Mike Ashleys dad; Whoever ‘slimed’ Peter Mandelson – she should have fucking punched him, missed opportunity there methinks; Derek Llambias – Mike Ashley’s bookie; All the left wing worthy’s who are jumping on the ‘Slumdog Millionaire is just poverty porn and it’s wrong’ bandwagon – fuck off it’s a good film and you’re just trying to be alternative, you sad, polo neck jumper wearing, ex-student, fuckwits; Whoever invented gardening – tosspot.

Aah – that’s better. Carry on.

Move over Nick Hornby....

Now then, bit of news for you all today.

I’ve been talking to the lads at Byker Books and they’re rather keen on publishing my book about Newcastle United and me – the superbly titled (I would say that wouldn’t I) ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves.’

They’re confident they can get it out by August in time for the new season and they’re working on it as we speak – good news eh!

While I won’t become a millionaire (or probably even a hundredaire for that matter) and it’s not like I’m a properly published fiction author I will have a book with my name on it.

They’ve also mentioned a couple of small signings as well so I’m digging out my eccentric authors costume as we speak – I’m thinking flat cap, jumper and scarf a la’ Albert Steptoe what do you reckon?

Anyway, good news for me and as things progress I’ll make sure you know first.

See you later

The Civic and The Spiv...

When you’re thinking of a big night out you don’t really think of Wolverhampton do you?

You think Rio de Janeiro, New york, Barcelona, Newcastle upon Tyne (see how I slipped that in…), Los Angeles, Hong Kong et al

Wolverhampton probably doesn’t enter the equation BUT if you like pubs without poseurs, proper music with guitars in it and friendly locals (well no-one tried to hit me anyway) then I can heartily recommend the home of the Yam Yams.

And, if you end up there, can I suggest you patronise the two ‘Civics’ both ‘Little’ and ‘Big’ – particularly when the indie club night ‘Blast Off’ is on – fucking class man.

Anyway, in short, proper bars, proper music, proper good time.

Speaking of things that are ‘proper’ I noticed that the very opposite of that word was in the local Tyneside papers this week. Derek Llambias, the man in charge at Newcastle United (I use the word ‘man’ in it’s loosest possible sense as I’m of the opinion he’s a cowardly fucking spiv personally) deigned to give an interview and basically said that they’re in charge (‘they’ being the cockney mafia currently destroying the club through a combination of incompetence, pig-headedness and maelevolence) we’ll do as we’re told and anyway they don’t care what we think anyway so ner ner ner ner ner.

I’m in two minds as to whether I can be arsed to write an open letter to the bloke via the aformentioned local press and the various fanzines I’m on good terms with or whether I should just wait outside his house with a bat….I just divvent kna like.

Anyway, I’d best get back to work before anyone realises this is what I actually do all day and sticks me on the redundancy list but if I do write that letter you can all see it first...just before I go to court for libel.

See you later.

Big Bad Wolves...

I’m all excited this week.

‘Why’s that,’ I hear you ask, ‘surely a grizzled old cynic such as yourself doesn’t get excited about anything Mr. Fasthands?’

I’ll tell you why – it’s the first big boys beano of the year on Saturday, the lads are travelling from Scotland, the Toon and Oxfordshire and we’re hitting Wolverhampton HARD - I cannit wait!

Obviously there’s also been a couple of things that have got my goat lately:-

Mike Ashley – Fat Liar

Dennis Wise – Insidious, Machiavellian dwarf with ‘little man’ complex

Derek Llambias – Arthur Daley’s smugger and stupider brother

Corrupt politicians in the House of Lords – Surprised? Not really.

The whole South of England coming to a standstill because it snowed – puffs.

Redundancies at work and the backbiting, moaning and bitching that has accompanied it – bunch of arse like.

Peter Mandelson – I’m alright Jack.

Anyway, bollocks to all that, I’m in too much of a good mood to let all of those plums spoilt it.

Have a good one kids – I know I will!

The Good, The Bad and the proper fucking Ugly.

Happy (belated) new year – hope you all had a good festive season.

Anyway, on with this shite:-

The Good
The first Big Boys Beano of 2009 is fast approaching. It will see hordes of us descending on Wolverhampton, home of a Cockney exile, in order to drink the town dry and cry about our hangovers the next morning.


The Bad
The firm I work at has placed everyone on a ’90 day redundancy consultation period’ while they decide who to get rid of following Subaru’s pulling out of the World Rally Championship.

The Proper Fucking Ugly

The Mike ashley/Dennis Wise/Derek Llambias axis of evil. All ugly bastards. FACT.


On an unrelated note I’ve submitted the first novel I ever wrote (the mighty Maxwell’s Silver Hammer) to a small indie publisher I discovered – owt happens you’ll be first to know. On a note unrelated to that, Byker Books have mentioned that they’ll be releasing ‘Radgepacket2’ at the end of Feb – I’m not in it but I know someone who is – here’s a look at the cover.





If it’s owt like the last one it’ll be good.


Now wrap up warm this weekend won’t you – I’ve just read that the EU will be taking our gas reserves to help out fellow european member states, good old Tony and Gordon selling us all out like that eh…..

Reasons to be cheerful...1...2...3

I'm all fit and healthy again after a very annoying year full of niggling injuries, Russell Brand has been found out for being an unfunny, abusive prick who is the living epitome of 'Emperors New Clothes' syndrome (see also Little Britain and Chris Moyles), Newcastle finally won another game and are out of the bottom three - Liverpool will be shitting theirselves now, My story 'Blagger' is soon to be featured in 'Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities' alongside an exclusive by Danny King, It's nearly Christmas, I'm off to Poole for the weekend tomorrow, Petrol prices are coming down, I've never met Brian sewell and...best of all...SPOOKS IS BACK!!!!!!

Get in.

Blood and Blunders...

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks? Well there’s a simple answer to that – I’m a lazy bastard!

Nah, only kidding…well actually I’m not, I am a lazy bastard…but I do have mitigating circumstances.

I managed to somehow slash three of my fingers whilst using a chainsaw in a manly fashion*, resulting in claret gushing everywhere and lots of gauze, bandages and surrogate stitches (plastic strip things). All of this didn’t actually physically stop me from typing but it put me off enough to stop me doing it.

Obviously as a hard northern bastard I still went out on the drink at my nephews Eighteenth birthday party the same night though, hey – you’ve gotta have priorities right?

Anyway, not posting anything has given me the chance to re-appraise the situation at Newcastle United and take a cool, detached and methodical view of it all.

My conclusion is still that Denis Wise is the devil incarnate, Mike Ashley is a bumbling fat fool with a ‘please like me’ complex and Derek Llambias, the anonymous chairman, is a dick of the highest order who wears ridiculous glasses in an attempt to look Mike Read his cockney idol.

That’s them telt.

Oh, I went to see Paddy McGuiness last night and he was as filthy, rude and funny as usual. His support act, whose name I forget, was very good as well and told us all what to do when confronted with those knobs who smoke on buses. I shan’t go into detail, suffice to say I’d never heard the term passive wanking before!

I’ll leave you with that – have a good one.

Ps – Just heard about Joe Kinnear (aka Mate of the goggle eyed, cock sucking, taxi driver assaulting dwarf) taking over the toon on an interim basis – fuck me I’m depressed…

* it wasn’t a chainsaw it was a tin but don’t tell anyone I’m trying to build up a hardman rep….

North East...enders.

I would just like to put to bed the scurrilous rumours that Newcastle United are to be renamed Walford FC, the catering staff will only be serving Jellied eels from now on, the team will be running out to ‘knees up Mother Brown’ and that Shearers Bar will be re-named ‘The Queen Vic’.

This is obviously nonsense…everyone knows that the caterers will also be doing Pie and Mash…

Good luck to all the protesters, shouters, boycotters and heed the balls in Newcastle tomorrow – let that fat cunt and his evil little sidekick know exactly what you think of them.

Ps – Of course I wouldn’t for one second advocate violence or lawless behaviour on the aforementioned obese one and his cock sucking dwarf buddy but if it happens then rest assured I’ll be the first one to piss my self laughing!

Conspiracy Corner...

This summary is not available. Please click here to view the post.

Cockney Rejects....

*Sigh*

I’m having a shite week. Another rejection from an agent, my job’s crap and, worst of all, my hero has been driven from my club by a pack of cowardly, power hungry, not fit to lace his boots, cockney* Cunts!!

I’ve written a quick article about it for Players Inc (as seen on the BBC 1 Ten O Clock news Thursday 4th Sept) and attached it below.

He’s a dwarf a dwarf….

Mike Ashley has done a lot of good stuff since he took over at Newcastle United. Long term season tickets payable in installments, extended family section, consultation with fans, the singing section and even letting flags into games again. Yes, Mike Ashley has done a lot of good things since he took over.

On Thursday 4th September he wiped out every bit of goodwill he’d built up in one stroke when he chose his friend Dennis Wise over the one man in his whole setup that actually cares about Newcastle United – Kevin Keegan.

This allegedly astute businessman managed to lose an entire city of paying customers for all of his businesses in one go.

In truth this had been building for a while. Since Chris Mort left, the communication emanating from the club has been non-existent but Keegans body language and general patter weren’t right and we’d all started to notice.

He stated unequivocally that ‘James Milner is the last person I would like to see leave this club’ and a few days later Milner was gone with Kev saying ‘It was my decision.’

It patently wasn’t but Wor Kev seemed upbeat, telling us all ’Judge me when the transfer window shuts.’ I was happy at that because I knew that Kev meant there was quality players coming in and he’d never let us down before on that score – unfortunately we were all unaware that he wasn’t in charge of acquiring them anymore, the buying and selling is down to Dennis Wise.

It is blatantly obvious that Keegan had been promised a player better than James Milner by the ‘recruitment team’ (Bastian Schweinsteiger apparently ) and come Monday night when the window slammed shut it was also obvious that they’d lied to him.

With all due respect to the two players brought in they weren’t what the manager wanted, a forward to go with the five we already have and a twenty six year old midfielder who was loaned out to us immediately after signing for his new club – how good is he going to be then?

Unlike the rest of the miscreants that make up the mamangement of Newcastle United Kevin Keegan is a man of principle and honour and there is no way he can allow himself to be used to lie to the fans so Llambias and his cockney posse can pursue their own hidden agenda.

Indeed Derek Llambias, ex casino manager and good mate of Mike Ashley (the only qualification needed for a top job at the toon these days) was seen at the Arsenal match entertaining David O Leary – now one of the favourites to replace Wor Kev. if I was to suggest there was a conspiracy by the cockney boys to push out Keegan and install their own puppet then that would obviously only be my opinion – bears thinking about though doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for Dennis Wise (could there be a less apt surname?), Llambias and the other one (what the fuck is his name??) they’ve made a major mistake if they think they can treat Kevin Keegan with contempt and patronise both him and us, dismissing the fanbase as insignificant.

The entire city is up in arms at the disgraceful treatment of our club and of Keegan and, for once, there are moves afoot to do something about it. I’ve heard talk of match boycotts, mass protests and general awkward behaviour not just in and out of St. James but also within Ashley’s other businesses. This will hit him where it really hurts his type – in the pocket – and it will also put him squarely in the media spotlight a position he doesn’t relish one bit.

Apparently there is an indian consortium looking to buy the Toon, if Ashley has any sense he will sell up and ship out back to jellied eel land, unfortunately, as he proved when backing the odious little cockney dwarf over Keegan, he obviously doesn’t have any.

This could get interesting.

Howay the lads


Here’s a question though :-

If Ashley was so anxious to get rid of Barton for the ‘shame’ he brought to Newcastle then how come he is so ready to defend the poisonous little arsehole that is Dennis Wise?

Lest we forget Dennis has ‘form’ for attacking taxi drivers and setting about a team mate and breaking his jaw during training (how come the the tabloid journalists haven’t made that connection yet? Oh hold on Dennis is from London isn’t he…)

Any man that chooses Dennis Wise over Kevin keegan is obviously a clueless twat and therefore does not deserve my support.

GET OUT ASHLEY – TAKE WISE AND LLAMBIAS WITH YOU AND PISS OFF BACK TO YOUR JELLIED EELS AND YOUR BARROW YOU BUNCH OF COCKNEY WANKERS.*


* Sorry Tel…