Hong Kong and Phooey.

I’ve been away for a week but it seems that nowt’s changed.

First things first though – Hong Kong was fucking magnificent!

Highlights included :-

1. Eating Dim Sum on the worlds biggest floating restaurant and not throwing up.
2. Riding round Aberdeen harbour (no not that one) on a sampan driven by a wizened old Chinese bloke who didn’t speak English and used his foot to steer.
3. Having high tea at the oldest colonial hotel (The Peninsula) in Hong Kong.
4. Drinking very expensive Martini’s in the lounge of another very impressive hotel with the best view you can get of the HK skyline at night
5. Visiting the famous ‘Big Buddha’ (no not Jade Goody) and then riding the worlds highest, longest and scariest cable car back down the mountain.
6. Eating what was alleged to be a vegetarian chinese meal, not knowing what it was and still not finding out to this day – tasted a bit meaty to me like...
7. Going to Happy Valley Racecourse at night and mingling (and drinking with..) all the locals. Somehow making friends with a group of middle-aged chinese women who couldn’t speak English but still mocked all my horse choices – I did pick two winners though!
8. Inventing a new insult* based on a real place in the Hong Kong area.

Whilst I was there I noticed on the BBC world news that our Euro masters had decreed that the Irish people had to vote again on the Lisbon treaty as they had the cheek to not want to be run from Brussels (well any more than they actually are). It used to be said that if voting changed anything they’d abolish it – well now that seems to be the case.

It turns out that where the euro lobby are concerned that you either don’t get to vote (us for example) or if you do you’re not allowed to vote ‘No’ – didn’t Hitler have the same tactics? Just a thought.

Oh, one other thing, I’ve got a story appearing in the new issue of ‘True Faith’ which is out this Friday entitled ‘Daddy’s Gone’ – it’s a first for me in that I wrote it to order. They wanted stuff that was short (1000 words), Geordie related, involved Newcastle United in some way and was a bit gritty.

Right up my street really.

See you later

* my new insult accurately describes all MP’s and MEP’s really – they’re all a bunch of Mong Kok’s

I wonder why he's the greatest dancer...

Firstly apologies to everyone who noticed I had a new post but couldn't access it - this is because computers are the spawn of satan and hate me - no other reason.

Now, on with the nonsense. There's some canny stuff happening at the minute. Byker Books debut publication ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ is apparently going to be on sale via their website from the middle of next month and, not only am I going to be in it but they’ve made me the first story which obviously means I’m the best!

Anyway, here’s a link so you can read the blurb they're putting out with it.

Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities


I was in Exmouth at the weekend (I didn’t realise the South had nice bits) and went clubbing at 'The Q Club' it was a bit charva-like but, just so you know, I’m still the best dancer like.

On an unrelated note I noticed Cabinet Ministers Ed Balls and his partner/wife/accomplice Yvette Cooper were cleared of any mispropriety by the Commons Standards Committee in relation to the expenses they claim on their various houses.

Obviously as they have been cleared of any wrongdoing by their fellow politicians who are also doing the same thing and would rather it could all be swept under the carpet then they are whiter than white aren’t they?

This country’s fucked.

Prague...Prague...Prague...Prague

Right then, couple of bits today.

I'm off to Prague on a big boys beano tomorrow - I've heard they have lovely architecture, wonderful Art Galleries and super museums, I absolutely guarantee I won't see any of them.

Tried out my new gumshield last night during an intense five round beating - I'm happy to report that none of my teeth burst through my lips or cheeks so well done to the Tooth Factory in the toon for that - I'm also pleased to report that my opponent, a filthy old school slugger, suffered severe bruising...to his knuckles - that'll teach him.

No writing news other than one of my stories (Blagger) is going to feature in the debut anthology from 'Byker Books' sometime in November - I'll let you know when so you can buy a copy and I'll sign it for you. Then when I'm a multi billionaire celebrity author you can claim to the News of The World that I slept with you and make yourself fifty grand - everyone's a winner.

Have I mentioned I'm going to Prague in a minute?

Have a good un.

Ps - Did you notice I didn't swear today? Soon put that right - FUCK!

Writing News...

Afternoon boys and girls long time no see,

I've been busy lately hence the lack of posts but it's been for a worthwhile cause...basically me.

I'm starting to edit the fourth and final draft of the seminal and definitive working class autobiography 'I'm Rivelino - A life of two halves' and thanks to focussing all my time and energy on it lately it's got to this stage right on the deadline I set myself originally.

Anyway, if you want to read some extracts before the world goes mad for it and you can't get a copy then have a look here (it's my proper website) :-

Rivs proper website where he doesn't use the C word much

Let me know how you get on.

Rivs

Happy New year (I know it's late!)

In a magnificent feat of techno-wizardry I've added ratings and comment boxes to all of my short stories and extracts on my website - now you can all tell me exactly what you think - go on have a go.

Also, I was informed by Freewebs before Christmas that they'd be using my effort as one of their example sites and I could expect a lot more traffic in January so make sure, as my original fan base, you get in their first - I'll still talk to you when I'm minted and famous though!

Make sure you spread the word...and the link!!

http://www.freewebs.com/andyrivs/

Misteltoe and whine...

Well then lads and lasses, Christmas week is nearly upon us, we've all nearly finished work and the boozers are full of once a year drinkers that simply clog up the place and stop you chatting up the barmaid with lines she's never heard before.

With this in mind I thought I'd round up the week for you before signing off until 2008 (I'll be far too busy, eating, drinking and chatting up barmaids to blog any more this year).

The Lib Dems elected a new leader...Well that'll make all the fucking difference won't it!! Gordon Brown must be shitting himself now - unless he's taxed doing that now.

A Man Utd reserve is being questioned regarding an alleged rape at a hotel where the Man Utd players were having their Xmas party. Call me cynical but, without reading any of the story or knowing any of the facts, I'm of the opinion that it's a load of bollocks.

Drunk footballer + Willing Girl = Tabloid exposure and money in the bank - End Of.

I'm going on my 'xmas do' from work tomorrow, those of you who know me will know that my boss is a cock and I'll be doing well to keep my job - maybe I'll just chat barmaids up all night and keep out of his way!

Anyway, that's probably it from me for 2007 - I hope you all have a great Christmas and a prosperous new year. Personally I'm looking forward to meeting my new nephew before eating and drinking myself into oblivion on xmas day.

See you all next year - Cheers

Fasthands

London Calling...

I'm going to Fulham tomorrow to watch Newcastle, apparently we haven't kept a clean sheet there since 1946 AND I haven't seen us score a goal there yet so normally I wouldn't be hopeful BUT I heard a story yesterday that makes me think we'll be alright.

In 1969 Newcastle United won the Fairs Cup (forerunner to the UEFA cup) and all was hunky dory in geordieland, a supporter (who's name I don't know) and prominent shareholder who had followed them for many years home and away died soon after but the club failed to mention him in any programme notes or official publication.

His wife, who was some kind of spritual medium type, was a bit miffed by this and put a curse on the club - Newcastle have won nothing since - and to think I thought I was the jinx, being born in 1970!

Anyway, last week she lifted it...on the very day that we beat Birmingham City with a last minute winner - let the good times roll!

My new website...

There has been a momentous occurence here at Fasthands towers over the last few days - I am not only the proud owner of an award winning blog* but have now twinned this with my own bona-fide website.

I've decided to present a more professional image to the world of publishing and allow them easier access to samples of my work rather than them having to wade through the abuse and profanity that reverberates around my little blog here.

The link to my website is : - http://www.freewebs.com/andyrivs/

Now remember this blog was my first ever foray into the twenty first century and as such is still my baby so don't worryabout it disappearing as I spend more time on my new site. Keep checking it out and I'll keep posting but if you're interested, have a look at my site and make sure you spread the word(and the link).

2008 could well be the chinese year of the Fasthands!

*winner of 'best blog in our house award' 2007

Toot and come in...

I had a big day out in 'The Smoke' yesterday, this started with bubbly at the champagne bar in the new St. Pancras International railway station. very salubrious but at £7.50 per glass I wasn't getting pissed!

From there it was onto my real reason for visiting Landan, the Tutankhamun exhibition - which was good but a bit crowded (bloody tourists - this is my country I should be first!!) meaning that you couldn't spend too long looking at the exhibits.

I then had a pint or two in Covent Garden before being fleeced by 'Maxwells' for some food - honestly I felt violated when I came out - not going there again.

This was followed by a wander up Regent Street to look at the lights (which are shit) and then a casual stroll down Bond Street where I happened upon the switching on ceremony for their lights. This was delightfully old-fashioned with fake snow being blown out of every upstairs window into the street and jugglers and stalls etc lining the whole place - very good.

The lights themselves were switched on by Sophie Dahl, who is a very striking and pretty girl in the flesh, much more so than her picture would normally suggest.

Then, to finish off before getting the late train back to Hicksville, Oxfordshire I took in a comedy show that was situated in the basement of the Thistle Hotel just off Leicester Square, there was one comedian for about an hour and a half and he was very good. His name was Inkey (no I hadn't either) and apparently he's a warm up man for Frank Skinner, if you get the chance check him out.

So that was it - all in all a good, albeit expensive, day out.

Final thoughts on our nations capital - It's like a smaller, dirtier version of Newcastle!

Priorities

Immigration out of control, unrest in Pakistan, flood waters rising in Britain again - loads to talk about...but fuck that, Newcastle are playing at the village of the Damned tomorrow (Sunderland) and I can't think about anything else.

It's difficult to explain to anyone not from Newcastle but I hate them bastards!!!

The match is less than 24 hours away now and my guts are churning at the thought of it - come on Sam, lets nail these twats.

Hope you all have a good one - Good luck with the house move Tel.

Howay the lads

Rivs

Greece is the word...

Athens is a dirty, smelly, shabby looking, noisy and smog filled place. The streets are filled with beggars, stray dogs and Africans trying to sell you stuff. Our hotel was in the middle of a labyrinth of backstreets that were covered in half ripped posters and rubbish.

But…the history and culture in one of the worlds most ancient democracies is awesome. Going up the Acropolis, seeing the Parthenon and looking out over the vastness of the city is something that stays with you forever. Then… having come back to your hotel and got ready to go out, stepping out into the warren of back alleys to find that you’re actually staying in the most lively and up and coming area in the city is just brilliant.

The back streets that were covered in shite had miraculously morphed into something akin to the Quayside in Newcastle. The boarded up shops, covered with posters and chicken wire were actually bars and restaurants that were heaving with locals and tourists alike. Trendy wine bars mixed with ancient Tavernas, new night clubs stood side by side with pavement cafes’ and there were people drinking, dancing and eating as far as the eye could see.

I drank Mojitos and Mythos, ate cheese pies and souvlaki, indulged in outlandish desserts and generally enjoyed myself immensely.

If you can handle heat, beggars and a city that doesn’t look that pretty in daylight then I can heartily recommend Athens. I fucking loved it.

Rivs

Madchester...Rave over.

Have you ever heard of Eid? Neither had I before the weekend but it’s basically the culmination of a religious festival. It ends Ramadan and is a bit like our Christmas, entailing a lot of family gatherings and not going to work.

Unfortunately, the majority of taxi drivers in Manchester appeared to be celebrating it and as I mentioned on Friday that our hotel was in Oldham (about 6-7 miles away) it left us at the mercy of the drivers that were cashing in on the shortfall. One of them charged us £45 on Saturday night/Sunday Morning – mercenary c**t!

Anyway, that apart Manchester was alright. Always nice to meet up with the chaps again and behave like we’re still teenagers. Areas of note were ‘The Printworks’ complex and Brannigans bar where a good time was had by all (except for the bloke who was carried out by three bouncers as one of them punched him – he didn’t have a great time). The hotel staff bore our cheek with professional good grace and didn’t even throw out one of our number who decided he could play the piano they had in the bar.

The greatest sign to me that we’re all grown ups now is that no-one got arrested, chinned or even soiled their bed…next thing you know we’ll be getting married and having kids!

PS - Dancer of the trip award went to Big Tel - he threw some proper shapes.

Madchester Rave on...unless you book with Best Western Hotels!

So here’s the story. Two of my friends (well one of them’s my brother but we’re not sure if he was switched at birth or not) are due to become dads either side of christmas. Obviously as we’re all mid thirties these days and a bit old school, a ‘wetting the baby’s head’ session is de rigeur and indeed, obligatory. The only difference to your standard post birth piss up is that we are having ours pre the actual screaming, wailing and ‘don’t ever touch me again you bastard’ bit. Mainly because the two blokes in question don’t think they’ll be allowed out for a while afterwards!.

Anyway, as we’re all in different parts of the country we decided to meet up in Manchester, watch the England match, win loads of cash betting on it (4-0 Owen first goal – you heard it here first) stay on the drink and generally annoy/excite the locals. The decision made we booked our hotel rooms in a central Manchester hotel, ideal for the city centre – well some of us did…others amongst us couldn’t be arsed and as a result the hotel was fully booked so we moved on to number two.

This one was about five miles out, in a studenty area so we could laugh at them through the day before taxi-ing into the centre at night – all sorted. Except…The Best Western Willowbank Hotel, decided last night that for ‘reasons beyond their control’ (ie some Z-list twat from Hollyoaks/Corrie/etc wanted the rooms and would pay more than us) we weren’t welcome but they thoughtfully booked us rooms at one of their partner hotels at MANCHESTER FUCKIN AIRPORT!!!

Cue, lots of cancelling and re-booking at a stupid hour of the night. The net result is that we are now in a better hotel for the same price but will be paying more in taxi fares, money which I shall personally alleviate the pain of spending by pissing in the recption area of the next Best Western hotel I find myself in.

The moral of the story is…If you’re ever in Manchester don’t book with The Best Western Willowbank Hotel because they have the potential to fuck all of your plans at a moments notice without even giving you the courtesy of a reason. In fact they should be renamed Spaghetti Western…as it was obviously all about a few dollars more!

C**ts!

Yesterdays Match.

Not a bad result yesterday but I was surprised by Chelsea's approach to the game, you'd imagine that the chance to close the gap on Man U would have resulted in them having the odd attacking move now and then wouldn't you? Maybe it was the thought of vainly dashing themselves against the wall that is our legendary defensive unit that deterred them from even trying - who knows?

From a Newcastle point of view the odd goal now and then wouldn't go amiss either because, as Wor Kevin Keegan pointed out in an interview last week, if you don't concede you can't lose BUT if you don't score, you can't win - and we do need to win occasionally.

It's worth thinking about Mister Roeder.

Here we go again...

Everybody back to work then? It's great getting out bed after a bank holiday weekend isn't it? Luckily my boss is off all week so I can get back into it gradually and work on my own stuff unmolested.

What did you all get up to? As well as doing a lot of diy type stuff I went to see a Guns n Roses tribute band and was pleasantly surprised although wearing a white polo shirt amidst a sea of long haired 'zany' rockers makes me look gay apparently - oh well!

I was right about Calzaghe and Newcastle as well wasn't I - wish I'd had a bet on them!

For the diary...

Saturday 7th - Joe Calzaghe -v- Peter Manfredo - ITV1 - 21:45
I shouldn't think this'll last long so don't miss the start.

Monday 9th Newcastle Utd - V - Arsenal - Prem Plus - 15:00
On current form we've no chance - therefore the law of the mags states that we'll get a point and Roeder will keep his job.

Right then, I'm finishing work soon and then that's me signing off until Tuesday. I hope you all have a good Easter weekend and remember, If you can't be good...be quick!

Monday, Monday

How was your weekend then? I spent mine digging up tree roots, swearing at my garden and sweating like Steve Mclaren before he goes into work. I woke up this morning aching in places I didn't know I had! I'll be giving the writing a miss today I think, mainly because I can't lift my arms. Got to give blood tonight as well, I'm not sure I've got any left - I think I left most of it on my pick axe handle!

Definitely got the Monday blues today - Mood Rating = 3.


Get some tunes...lose the Monday feeling

Living for the Weekend...

Got that Friday feeling as I drove into work today. I had The Who blasting in the car, there didn't appear to be anyone else on the road and I've just been paid - does it get much better?

Still no news on 'Special' from any of the agents who've had it thus far but we'll assume that's a good thing as they haven't rejected it out of hand. I also sent in a five minute script to the live theatre company in Newcastle for assessment and discussion - I'll let you know what they think.

Have a good one!

Now we're talking...

For the diary...

Andorra - v - England 19:45 - Sky Sports 1

Here are some statistics for you, the Andorran football league was formed in 1994, their national team have won only one game in their history and they only have a pool of forty two eligible players from which to pick their side. We will win, I do not doubt that, we should win handsomely and with a bit of style, I only half doubt that.

Will we qualify for Euro 2008? Probably. I think we'll limp through and then be knocked out of the competition around about the quarter final stages as usual. This will be accompanied by a collective wailing and gnashing of teeth from the players as they promise to sort it out next time and the press releases from their PR Men trumpeting their autobiographies.

We must be the biggest underachievers in world football and we still pay them fortunes for something a lot of us would do for nothing.

It's a funny old game.

For the diary...

Boxing

Carl Froch v Sergey Tatevosyan - Non title fight but worth a look.
Sky Sports 2 22.00

Ricky Hatton is on the Jonathan Ross show tonight - should be good.
BBC1 - 22.40

Football

Israel - v - England - Can the superstars earn their money for once?

Saturday - Sky Sports 1 18.30