Dear Santa...

As you know, I've been a very good little boy this year (remember we agreed that the incident at the girls boarding school was all just a misunderstanding!) and as such you're pretty much obliged to shower me with gifts in payment for this. However, I feel that there are others who are more deserving of presents from you big fella so I've made some requests for them instead - cos that's the kind of top fuckin' bloke I really am. So, if you could see your way clear to sorting out this list I'd be ever so grateful :-

1. Mike Ashley - Some fucking class. To destroy one hundred and twenty years of history and tradition simply to advertise your tacky 'sports' shop simply isn't on. If you can't provide him with some much needed class(and I accept it may be too much to ask for someone like him) then I'd accept you giving him a good arse fucking from a massive dicked seventies porn star...on television.
2. Michael Barrymore - A Career. Or a very good solicitor.
3. The knobs who run AOL - A customer service facility that involves serving customers rather than lying to them and shafting every last penny you can from them.
4. My Laptop - A long retirement as I've worked it to death the poor bugger, failing that another processor and some more RAM.
5. The Fat Smelly Noisy Bitch next door - Another child. I realise that this would simply be another burden on the state but it would also mean she'd have to be re-housed by the council and thus I wouldn't have to put up with her any more.
6. Derek Llambias - See point One. Also, a new face, one that I genuinely would tire of punching.
7. The Reading Public - news of my books and how to get them...please!
8. Alan Pardew - A spine for when the January transfer window opens and the knobjockey brothers (see 1 & 6) start selling everyone off and claiming 'it's in the long term interests of the club' - say no Alan and call their bluff in public...or fuck off - it's your call.
9. Top Models all over the world - another phone number to ring cos I'm sick of talking to them.
10. The winner of this years X-Factor - Oblivion...oh hold on, they normally get that anyway don't they?
11. Students - soap, a personality and the number for McDonalds for when you have to pay back your fees.
12. Jordan/Kerry Katona/that bint off the Essex thing - a photoshoot in Syria.

That's about it big lad. What's that? I need to ask you for something for myself? Oh all right then...just one thing mind 'cos I'm not greedy. How about you give me JK Rowling's bank account and she gets mine? Smashing. 
See you next year.


Yours Sincerely,


Fasthands

Ask an Author...or even ask me....

I'm currently taking part in a month long 'Ask an Author' session on the 'Close2TheBone' blog - this means that anyone (fucking ANYONE mind!) can ask me a question about the nuts and bolts of being a top author. Fucked if I know why they're asking me cos the closest I've ever been to a top author was that time I threw a plate at the telly when Jeffrey Archer was on...anyway...they asked me so I'm doing it.

Here's the link - why don't you join in?

Fasthands talks shite...again

Right then, must go and practice my lies for when someone asks about groupies...later kids.

Come Back Around...

Alreet kids,

Yes it's true, you can stop wearing black and whinging about life being shit..I'm back!

To kick things off on my new / old blog I thought I'd point you in the direction of an interview I did last week with a bloke called 'Ed' who runs Byker Books - well I say interview, basically I sat there and got abused by the fucker, still he bought the drinks so nowts the bother!

Anyway, here it is for your delectation :- Close To The Bone

Also, I've been informed that my superb, debut novel (big headed? Moi?) Maxwell's Silver Hammer is now available on the Amazon Kindle for only 99p (virtually giving them away man) and that I'm Rivelino - my epochal sporting bio - is also about to hit the Kindle's virtual shelves for the same price. two top books for £1.98 - that's ya beach reading sorted, just need to nick some suntan lotion when you're rioting and looting later eh....

ps - don't worry there'll be plenty of bile aimed at Ashley, Pardew, Llambias, Students, Chris Moyles and every other feckless fucker on this earth in the future!

The Peoples Radgy...

Alreet,

How's it gannin?

Anyway, as you may know I'm a bit of an author and my latest book 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' has been nominated for 'The Peoples Book Prize' and I need votes.

This is where you come in...

If you like me enough to vote for me (and who wouldn't want to help a lovely bloke like me eh...) then click the link and register. They'll send you a password and then you can vote for me (make sure it's me won't you!)

Cheers

The Peoples Book Prize

Signing On....

Alreet,

Just to let you know really that my publisher is offering exclusive, signed (best get a new pen - I've used all the ink in this one!) and discounted copies of my forthcoming cult novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' with FREE postage and packing (UK only like) - all the info is on their site which you can access with one click of your mouse right HERE.

Go on man - you know you want to...