Wednesday, 15 September 2010

The Peoples Radgy...


How's it gannin?

Anyway, as you may know I'm a bit of an author and my latest book 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' has been nominated for 'The Peoples Book Prize' and I need votes.

This is where you come in...

If you like me enough to vote for me (and who wouldn't want to help a lovely bloke like me eh...) then click the link and register. They'll send you a password and then you can vote for me (make sure it's me won't you!)


The Peoples Book Prize

Sunday, 1 August 2010

Cool as Puck...

As you know I'm a bit of a working class, council estate type of lad and don't have much time for pretentious shite so the word 'Shakespeare' has tended to make my eyes glaze over in the past - well no more!

I went to a production of 'A Midsummer Night's Dream' in Oxford yesterday. The setting, in a quadrangle in one of the colleges surrounded by various dreaming spires, was magnificent and I managed to blag a free drink (you can take the lad out of Byker...etc.) both things that would have ensured a good day anyway but they paled into insignificance in comparison with the play itself. Obviously the Olde English text of the play is a bit of a problem but you get what's going on easily enough and the actors were brilliant - funny as fuck.

The highlight however was when a scantily clad, nubile young lady playing the part of 'Puck' the mischevious fairy dragged me on stage for what can only be described as a medieval lap dance!! I kid you not, as the audience looked on in amusement I had a young lady in stockings and suspenders draped all over me (see the pic) , followed by a kiss on the cheek and a smack on the arse - did it all really happen or was it just a dream...

I've decided now that, despite all of my teachers best efforts at making him dry and inaccessible, Shakespeare's for me.

Pucking marvellous!

Friday, 30 July 2010

First Review of Maxwell's...

Alreet spanners,

Here's the first review of 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' from the very cool 'For Books Sake' blog - launch pics to follow.

Have a good un!


Tuesday, 15 June 2010

Signing On....


Just to let you know really that my publisher is offering exclusive, signed (best get a new pen - I've used all the ink in this one!) and discounted copies of my forthcoming cult novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' with FREE postage and packing (UK only like) - all the info is on their site which you can access with one click of your mouse right HERE.

Go on man - you know you want to...

Tuesday, 25 May 2010

Oxfam's Silver Hammer...

Alreet Kids,

My debut crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' is out on July 12th and here's a little look at the cover :-

Smart eh? It's being published by those radgy chaps at Byker Books and here's a bit of their blurb as well as a quote from the mighty Danny King :-

Andy Rivers has crafted a Machiavellian tale of council estate politicking amongst the sex, drugs, good guys and thugs of the Tyneside underworld. Written in an, almost unique, multiple first person point of view this book will entertain and appall you in equal measure. We think it's a corker to set the ball rolling on our foray into 'Industrial Strength' crime fiction and hope you do too.

A belter of a book that packs more punches than a Saturday night out on Market Street. Gangsters, guns and gadgies galore, Andy Rivers weaves a cracking plot through the Byker badlands like a Geordie Elmore Leonard and is one of the few writers I know of who can type while wearing boxing gloves. I had two black eyes before I'd finished chapter three. A thumping debut from a barnstorming new talent.
Danny King

There's a strong possibility I'll be launching the book on July 10th at the new Oxfam Bookshop, Jesmond so I'll let you know the timings of that and you can get down there and do your bit for charity.....and support Oxfam!


Sunday, 11 April 2010

VOTE FastHands....

Right, I've had enough of the lying, weasel faced, corrupt bastards who 'run' this country (by run I mean answer the phone to their masters in Brussels who tell them what to do on any given day) and I'm going to take over myself* - with that in mind I've prepared the first ever Fast Hands Party manifesto.

1. The Economy

I shall save billions and pay off the national debt by scrapping the Police Service (remember when they used to be a force? Mind you they gave a toss then) as the only people who actually bother ringing them are burglars who've been caught in someone's house and been given a good hiding. With the money left over I shall introduce a bonus scheme for vigilantes who beat fuck out of scrotes who terrorise old people.

I shall also be able to pump millions back into the NHS and pensions through the scrapping of child benefit to anyone who hasn't got a job - if you want to have a kid then you fucking pay for it. End of.

2. The Armed Forces

I shall bolster the Armed Forces through my 'Cannon Fodder' law - anyone wearing a hoodie and/or jeans that don't cover their fucking arse will be automatically eligible for five years of National Service on the front line of the war against whoever America tells us to fight with this week. There will be no exceptions - particularly in Banbury.

3. Broken Britain

Everyone who is a lazy arsed cunt and seeks to live off the backs of others hard earned wages will be automatically jailed until they see the error of their ways. There will be millions of jobs available (through the massive new jail building programme I shall be implementing) and if they don't take one of these jobs then they're getting banged up and no mistake guv. Also, these jails will be proper ones - no playstation, no telly, no fucking a la carte option - you get the picture. And don't go moaning about your human rights cos you don't fucking have any you fat parasite.

4. Europe

Obviously this is a sensitive subject and requires careful thought...right, I've thought about it. There will be a proper referendum on whether we stay in or get out - by proper I don't mean a Labour Party one where you say there'll be a vote and then change your mind when you get into power either. If the country says yes then we stay in and if the country says no then we get out and if Johnny Foreigner has a problem with that then he can tell someone who gives a fuck.

5. Politics

As we all know, politicians are bunch of hypocritical, lying, corrupt and greedy scum who are so out of touch with real life that they may as well live on another planet. I will rectify this by passing a law so simple that it's frightening.
Under the Fasthands government anyone wishing to become an MP must first serve a five year apprenticeship on a Council Estate. During those five years they must work all manner of menial jobs on shit shifts for pitiful wages. They will also get to experience living next to people who laugh at them as they contribute fuck all to society, spend their days pissed and stoned whilst their music bangs through the paper thin walls and their friends vandalise his/her car. Obviously all of this is paid for out of the taxes they contribute from their aforementioned pitiful wages. For added realism the cunts next door will occasionally break into the prospective mp's flat and steal everything he/she has ever worked for whilst the Police do fuck all about it in case they upset the burglars and make them cry. The mp will be allowed a shotgun and two bullets - this will be known as 'the Tony Martin option' and this whole experience might just teach the fuckers a lesson about the eleventh ring of hell they have created in Britain today.

So there you have it boys and girls - my manifesto. I know you love it so tell the world. On Election day just cross out everyone else's names and write 'VOTE FASTHANDS' on your slip and I'll see you all at No.10 for tea and biscuits.

Oh, one more thing, if any of you wanted to copy this and set up a facebook group, get loads of other people to join and get it on News at Ten...that'd be funny!!

* Obviously i'm not you thick bastard - I'm far too fucking lazy, have you just fell off the moon or something?

Wednesday, 31 March 2010

Separated At Birth - Part 4

Mike Ashley / Freddy Shepherd

Honestly, they could be twins!: -

• They both made disastrous, ridiculous and, frankly, criminal managerial appointments in the likes of Joe 'Fuckin' Kinnear and Graeme 'I only like proper players me' Souness.

• They both surrounded themselves with absolute clowns who they paid from the supporters money - Douglas Hall, Derek Llambias, Dennis Wise, did I mention Graeme Souness?

• They both (to date) have left the club in a worse position in which they found it.

• I hate them both

• They both forced out Kevin Keegan because he knew more about the club and the city than they did and they were jealous.

• They're both obese.

• They both use(d) as much spin as possible to keep the fans onside without realising that everyone is a lot more media savvy these days and can see right through them.

• They both got caught out treating the fans like mugs - Shepherd via the News of The World (I haven't forgotten fatty!) and Ashley via Keegan's tribunal where he and his regime admitted lying to fans repeatedly.

• They’re both cunts.

Lest we forget...

Wednesday, 17 March 2010

That's me that is....

Just thought I'd draw your attention to this press release currently winging it's way round the great and good of the country :-

Byker Books Make Double Signing of Exciting New Talent

Byker Books are delighted to announce the acquisitions of all rights to ‘Dumb Luck’ and ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ two edgy, fierce novels from the pens of rising stars Tom Arnold and Andy Rivers.

The pair were signed at the recent launch event for the fourth volume of the cult ‘Radgepacket’ series by the Commissioning Editor for Byker Books. ‘We are very pleased to have captured both of these authors. They have both produced excellent works that stay true to our ethos of grimy, council estate stories and, while they are both crime fiction novels, they are very different in approach. ‘Dumb Luck’ is a high octane, fast paced ride through the London that tourists never see and ‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ is an almost Machiavellian tale of politics, greed and corruption in Newcastle’s underworld.

‘Maxwell’s Silver Hammer’ will be released in July 2010 with ‘Dumb Luck’ to follow in October 2010.

Please direct all enquiries to

Now we're fucking talking!!

Thursday, 11 March 2010

Radgeness Abounds...


It's been a while I know. This has been partly down to laziness, partly down to busyness but mainly down to being blocked out of my account by Blogger...cheers like you plums!!

Anyway, I went to a funeral yesterday, I won't go into the whys and wherefores you just need to know this - it was an Irish one...and my head is fucked!

Therefore there will be no spleen venting, anecdote recalling or general banter today, just a reminder that Radgepacket Four is being launched at the weekend in the toon (see below) and I'll be there. Pop along for a natter if you want.

Oh, and bring ya wallet!


Saturday, 30 January 2010

Gannin Radge again...


I've managed to blag my way into another edition of the mighty 'Radgepacket' series. Volume Four will apparently have over twenty stories in it and feature the likes of Ray Banks and Danny King all for the canny low price of only £5.99 - bargain!

Byker Books are having a launch event for the book at 'The Back Page' in Newcastle on 13th March at 15:00ish where I'm reliably informed there'll be booze (that's me in like!) and some good banter - get yourself along man!

Oh, and this is what the cover's going to look like by all accounts :-

Looks good to me - see you there.

Friday, 15 January 2010

Why we will all die in the first snow storm after 2035...

No 10 Downing Street in the year of our Lord 2035. The minister for spin and blatant lie telling is anxiously pacing up and down the PM's office whilst his aide looks worriedly on

Minister for being a lying horrible bastard: Where's the bloody PM? The country's come to a standstill with this snow. There's no shops open, the police have all rang in sick, the power stations are failing and there's no industry at all going fact the muggers, rapists and burglars are the only fuckers doing any work!

Aide: Calm down Mr. Mandelson, it's not that bad...

Mandelson: Not that bad! The Chinese are ready to invade because the fucking Army are saying they can't get to work in the snow and The Navy are all off frigging sledging. Not that bad...Jesus, where is he?

Aide: He's playing on his Nintendo.

Mandelson: WHAT!

Aide: Well it is a snow day sir.

Mandelson: What the fucking fuck is a fucking snow day you fucker?

Aide: We were all taught at school in 2010 that if it snowed a little bit or things got difficult then you had to give up and stay at fact weren't you part of the government that encouraged that?

The Dark Lord: Bugger.