Sunday, 11 April 2010

VOTE FastHands....

Right, I've had enough of the lying, weasel faced, corrupt bastards who 'run' this country (by run I mean answer the phone to their masters in Brussels who tell them what to do on any given day) and I'm going to take over myself* - with that in mind I've prepared the first ever Fast Hands Party manifesto.

1. The Economy

I shall save billions and pay off the national debt by scrapping the Police Service (remember when they used to be a force? Mind you they gave a toss then) as the only people who actually bother ringing them are burglars who've been caught in someone's house and been given a good hiding. With the money left over I shall introduce a bonus scheme for vigilantes who beat fuck out of scrotes who terrorise old people.

I shall also be able to pump millions back into the NHS and pensions through the scrapping of child benefit to anyone who hasn't got a job - if you want to have a kid then you fucking pay for it. End of.

2. The Armed Forces

I shall bolster the Armed Forces through my 'Cannon Fodder' law - anyone wearing a hoodie and/or jeans that don't cover their fucking arse will be automatically eligible for five years of National Service on the front line of the war against whoever America tells us to fight with this week. There will be no exceptions - particularly in Banbury.

3. Broken Britain

Everyone who is a lazy arsed cunt and seeks to live off the backs of others hard earned wages will be automatically jailed until they see the error of their ways. There will be millions of jobs available (through the massive new jail building programme I shall be implementing) and if they don't take one of these jobs then they're getting banged up and no mistake guv. Also, these jails will be proper ones - no playstation, no telly, no fucking a la carte option - you get the picture. And don't go moaning about your human rights cos you don't fucking have any you fat parasite.

4. Europe

Obviously this is a sensitive subject and requires careful thought...right, I've thought about it. There will be a proper referendum on whether we stay in or get out - by proper I don't mean a Labour Party one where you say there'll be a vote and then change your mind when you get into power either. If the country says yes then we stay in and if the country says no then we get out and if Johnny Foreigner has a problem with that then he can tell someone who gives a fuck.

5. Politics

As we all know, politicians are bunch of hypocritical, lying, corrupt and greedy scum who are so out of touch with real life that they may as well live on another planet. I will rectify this by passing a law so simple that it's frightening.
Under the Fasthands government anyone wishing to become an MP must first serve a five year apprenticeship on a Council Estate. During those five years they must work all manner of menial jobs on shit shifts for pitiful wages. They will also get to experience living next to people who laugh at them as they contribute fuck all to society, spend their days pissed and stoned whilst their music bangs through the paper thin walls and their friends vandalise his/her car. Obviously all of this is paid for out of the taxes they contribute from their aforementioned pitiful wages. For added realism the cunts next door will occasionally break into the prospective mp's flat and steal everything he/she has ever worked for whilst the Police do fuck all about it in case they upset the burglars and make them cry. The mp will be allowed a shotgun and two bullets - this will be known as 'the Tony Martin option' and this whole experience might just teach the fuckers a lesson about the eleventh ring of hell they have created in Britain today.

So there you have it boys and girls - my manifesto. I know you love it so tell the world. On Election day just cross out everyone else's names and write 'VOTE FASTHANDS' on your slip and I'll see you all at No.10 for tea and biscuits.

Oh, one more thing, if any of you wanted to copy this and set up a facebook group, get loads of other people to join and get it on News at Ten...that'd be funny!!

* Obviously i'm not you thick bastard - I'm far too fucking lazy, have you just fell off the moon or something?


Daz said...

Your policies are far to liberal, and you've avoided the big immigration debate - Just how do we control the continuing influx of scousers/Irish into our cities?

Anonymous said...

if you're gonna get the parasites then start at the top and work down. By the time you get halfway you'll have saved so much money that the rest of us will only need to work one year in every five.