Wednesday, 27 August 2008

Taxing questions...

How was your bank holiday then? I hurt my back at the weekend (it hurts loads but I’m from Byker and therefore hard as nails so I don’t say nowt…) but unfortunately due to various staffing issues I’ve had to come to work this week rather than resting it so I’m in a right mood…

With that in mind I’m going to keep this brief (gotta do me stretches like don’t ask…) and ask just one question.

As Labour ministers are calling for a ‘windfall tax’ on the energy firms, the rationale being that they’re making a fortune through increased prices, in order to spend the said tax on ‘helping those in fuel poverty’.

Will they also be calling for the same tax on the government who are making an absolute fortune through fuel tax (the highest in Europe I believe – do we get any benefit from being in the EU?) in order to assist those who are struggling with big price rises on everything caused by the price of petrol and diesel?

Or, as I suspect will happen, will they keep quiet about that and just put their expenses claims in as normal and live the good life whilst we all struggle to heat our homes, drive our cars and put food on the table?

Don’t even know why I’m asking actually – they’re all a bunch of self serving, greedy, hypocritical fuckers with more in common with the grasping, everyone else will pay for me, chav class than they care to realise.

Bunch of arse all of ‘em.

Wednesday, 20 August 2008

Last night a DJ saved my life...

Right, forgive me but I’m about to go off on one now.

Loads of important world events happened on Monday/ Tuesday, for instance :-

• The Pakistani president resigned – a worrying development where terrorism is concerned
• Our Olympians accrued loads more medals
• The Russians were leaving Georgia and then they weren’t then they were again – implications for world peace/war are massive
• Our economy is still fucked and people are at the point of existing rather than living

With this in mind what do you think the lead story on some downmarket, super soaraway, tabloids and, more to the point, our national radio station was?

I’ll tell you.

‘Jade Goody has cancer’


‘You know man Jade Goody, ignorant, illiterate, racist embarrassment to our whole nation, famous only for being stupid and getting her fanny out on television.’

‘Oh her – why’s her doctor told everyone then? Surely that’s something you’d keep private?’

‘Well her doctor didn’t tell her. She was informed she had it whilst in the diary room of the Indian version of Big Brother by her agent who then told the tabloids’.

‘Oh fuck off.’

Now If Ms goody has cancer then she has my sympathy. I know people who’ve beaten it, people who still have it and sadly I’ve known people who couldn’t fight it. None of them made the news on a radio station that I am forced to pay for and they were/are all ten times better people than she is but that’s not my point.

Why on earth would it be headline news all fucking day? Is there nothing else worthy of being the main headline on a national radio station in a supposedly civilised, first world country? Has the national IQ been so dumbed down that the wellbeing of an anonymous wannabe is crucial to our morale?

This country’s fucked and frankly, it’s the media that’s providing the KY Jelly!

Ps – as well as that I also had to endure Chris Moyles doing his ‘hilarious’ Geordie impersonation again yesterday, it was almost as funny as the time he was on ‘Never mind the Buzzocks’ and stayed very quiet when confronted with real funny people. I recall him crying to the papers afterwards that they’d picked on him.

Just like school Chris eh? It’s always the fat, ugly prick that gets bullied…

PPs - Some fucker's getting it today like....

Friday, 15 August 2008

The Club Men Chronicles

Morning All,

Nowt to report today - so I thought I'd treat you to this little known gem.

On the Byker Books site I noticed this feature which has been added with no fanfare or drum roll so I thought I'd shout about it as it's funny.

The Club Men Chronicles

There are certain characters in there that remind me of certain people I know but I'm saying nowt.

Give it a look anyway.

Have a good weekend


Thursday, 14 August 2008

Back in...

What day is it?


Yeh I feel better now – only took me five days to get over something that lasted for three. Still, least said about Prague the better, mind, you know what they say.

‘What goes on tour …..ends up on Facebook!’

Anyway, I came back to find out that one of my stories, that I’d won a competition on Byker Books with, had been published in top Newcastle fanzine True Faith and I’m now famous amongst the toon faithful.

One eagle eyed associate of mine pointed out that he’d read the said story on my website already but hey, that’s life eh?

Anyway, nowt else on the writing front, I got a three round hiding on my return to the gym last night but did rally for long enough to get some telling blows in during a toe to toe exchange (never underestimate the speed of my hands..) and I’ve got some new books to read by David Peace that aren’t even out yet!.



Thursday, 7 August 2008


Right then, couple of bits today.

I'm off to Prague on a big boys beano tomorrow - I've heard they have lovely architecture, wonderful Art Galleries and super museums, I absolutely guarantee I won't see any of them.

Tried out my new gumshield last night during an intense five round beating - I'm happy to report that none of my teeth burst through my lips or cheeks so well done to the Tooth Factory in the toon for that - I'm also pleased to report that my opponent, a filthy old school slugger, suffered severe his knuckles - that'll teach him.

No writing news other than one of my stories (Blagger) is going to feature in the debut anthology from 'Byker Books' sometime in November - I'll let you know when so you can buy a copy and I'll sign it for you. Then when I'm a multi billionaire celebrity author you can claim to the News of The World that I slept with you and make yourself fifty grand - everyone's a winner.

Have I mentioned I'm going to Prague in a minute?

Have a good un.

Ps - Did you notice I didn't swear today? Soon put that right - FUCK!

Tuesday, 5 August 2008

'Dick' Barton - not so special agent...

Right, I’ve had enough of this Joey Barton shite now. A couple of points I'd like to make:-

1. Purposely looking for the fuckwittest looking fuckwit in a Newcastle top and getting him to say what you want about Joey Barton whilst presenting that as the voice of every geordie is not actually good reporting practice in my opinion.

2. I don’t recall the media getting so worked up about convicted drink driver Tony Adams and his spell inside, or Eric ‘Bruce Lee’ Cantona or Ben ‘Forearm smash’ Thatcher or John ‘Yes I did glass that bouncer a few years back’ Terry or the hundreds of other footballers who kick off up and down the land every weekend. I wonder why that is?

3. Four England rugby players were accused of rape and sexual assault a few months back. The English media devoted a whole day to it and then shut up. If it had been four England footballers then whole rainforests would have been chopped down so journalists could occupy the moral high ground. If it had been four Newcastle players then certain journalists would have self combusted their indignation would have been so great.

4. Speaking of Journalists – how many of them have ever been convicted of offences but now stand in judgement on Barton? Alan Brazil for instance, chief moral crusader on Talkshite radio has been done for drink driving. What gives him the right to become judge and jury on anyone else?

5. In which other industry would a business be expected to just give away a six million pound asset to one of it’s competitors just because that particular asset is flawed (and shit – no I’m not a fan of his!).

6. Why didn’t the media demand Bartons expulsion from Manchester City when the offence originally occurred?

7. Why is all this Keegans fault when it was actually Big Fat Sham who lashed the cash on the scouse dickhead – a fact no-one in the media seems keen to bring up?

8. and finally, am I the only one who thinks that, yes Barton is a wanker but all he did was have a fight on the training ground – something that happens every day at every club – did anyone die? Did the world stop turning? Was it Joey who killed Diana?

I think a lot of journalists need to get a fucking grip and I will be watching the ‘Wayne Rooney spat on a nightclub bouncer’ story with interest.

Ps – I’m off to Prague at the weekend – cannit fucking wait, I hope I see a reporter there…

Friday, 1 August 2008

Writing News...

Right then, some good stuff going on.

I’ve finished my play – did I mention I was writing a play? No? Well I obviously don’t tell you everything do I.

You can get a look at a portion of it here :- My Website

I’m sending it to the Live Theatre in the toon so they can run their beady eyes over it and then tell me I’m shit – I’ll let you know how that goes.

Also, and this is the good bit, I’ve had a story accepted for publication in a short fiction anthology that Byker Books are bringing out round about November – woo hoo.

As usual nee cash involved but I’ll get a copy of the book to bore everyone with and, as the author Danny King is also going to be in it, a bit of exposure.

So all looking promising on the good ship fasthands – you have a good weekend now.

Ps – Just heard I’m getting my new, made-to-measure, gumshield through the post in the next few days. That’ll be handy next weekend when I’m on a big boys beano in Prague….