Sunday, 13 December 2009

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Chris Moyles - Unfunny fat prick who tried to 'wittily' mock Terry Wogan at a recent 'do' only to find that, as ever, when he hasn't got a script and a bunch of chortling sycophants his 'banter' is seen for the plain humourless rudeness that it really is...oh and Wogan wipes the floor with your listening figures you fucking obese knobjockey so fuck off; Boilers that cease to work properly in winter despite you only having them for five poxy years - moral of story, never, ever buy a Potterton boiler as they're shit and the company don't want to know; Spammers who try to flood your blog with adverts for Viagra, hoo man we're all proper blokes on here and we can all get hard ons without assistance, find a mackem site and they'll welcome you with open arms; Mike Ashley, club raping, asset stripping, pie munching, cock sucking, fat cunt; Sozzled charvas complete with requisite 'leisure wear' and gold sitting behind you at premier boxing events - wankers; People who mob supermarkets, walk slowly, stop without warning, hit you with their trolleys and try to buy everything they can see just cos it's Christmas - IT ONLY CLOSES FOR ONE FUCKING DAY YOU BUNCH OF SHEEP; Their fat, ungrateful offspring who whine on and on whilst blocking your way to the booze - just shut up and move out of my way you X Factor fodder; Students, no reason just fucking hate them; Derek Llambias, the 'comical Ali' of Ashley's cockney mafia - just go back to your jellied eels you shite spouting, lie telling, dishonest, history re-writing cunt, go on piss off; Politicians, absolute scum of the earth - no explanantion needed; And Finally...Jordan AKA Katie Price AKA spiritual leader of Britain's charva classes ...look love, you're not pretty, all that plastic isn't sexy and you come across like the most horrible woman in the world do yourself, and more importantly your kids (remember them eh?) a favour and put some clothes on, cease ya whining and stop behaving like an out of control slag... then give Kerry Katona a ring to arrange some etiquette lessons you monstrous fucking shrieking harridan!

Ah that's better, spleen vented and calm returning.

That's it from me for 2009 kids. I hope you all have a good Christmas and a prosperous 2010.


Thursday, 26 November 2009

Oooh Byker, Byker, Ooooh Byker, Byker BOOKS!

Good News!

My crime fiction novel 'Maxwell's Silver Hammer' will be published by Byker Books next summer - a release date of July has been tentatively mooted.

This will put me shoulder to shoulder on their list with Danny King whose comic crime book 'More Burglar Diaries' they recently launched. You can buy it here at a discounted price incidentally:-

.....Just in time for Christmas eh!

Right then I'm off to practice being an A list celeb. Later.

Tuesday, 10 November 2009 Geordie Kipling

I found this on the Newcastle United Supporters Trust website - it's brilliant!

IF you can keep your name when other clubs
Are losing theirs and blaming it on the latest coup,
If you can trust yourself when Ashley betrays you,
But make allowance for his betrayal too;
If you can wait for him to go and not be tired by waiting,
Or being lied to, don't believe his lies,
Or being hated, don't give way to hating him,
And yet don't like, nor talk of Dennis Wise:

If you can dream of promotion - and not make it your master;
If you can drink brown ale - and not make fighting your aim;
If you can meet with Ashley and Llambias - what a disaster
And treat those two impostors with great shame;
If you can hear the Gallowgate sing - then they have spoken
Their bitter memories of McKeag, Gullit and Cort,
If you can watch the team we give our lives to, broken,
And stoop and build 'em up again with undying support:

If we can make one heap of all our winnings
And risk it on last seasons’ utter dross,
Relegation a chance to start again at our beginnings
And never breathe a word about our loss;
If you can force your heart and nerve and sinew
To serve your turn long after Ashley has gone,
And so hold on lads ‘n’ lasses when there is nothing in you
Except the Will which says to them: 'Hold on!'

If you can play Scunthorpe or Swansea and keep your virtue,
Or play with Man U or Chelsea and not lose the common touch,
If neither mackems nor loving friends can hurt you,
If all men count with you, but none too much;
If you can fill the pitch with determination and grit
With ninety minutes' worth of distance run,
Yours is (and always will be) St James’ Park and everything that's in it,
And - which is more - you'll be a Geordie, my son!

By Geordie Kipling - exceedingly good kebabs

Wednesday, 28 October 2009

You fat cockney bastard, get out of our club.

Mike 'The Proven Liar' Ashley has now declared he is going to take Newcastle Utd off the market as 'no-one has met the £80m asking price'. Call me pedantic BUT that's the same price Birmingham City went for in about two minutes, Everton are asking for £300m and even shitholes like Sunderland have changed hands for that sort of money recently. Now consider our position, we're top of a very average league with a squad made up of cast offs and youth team players, we're getting bigger crowds than Chelsea do in the champions league and Liverpool did against Man Utd and the fat liar reckons he can't sell the club for £80million! No-one believes you anymore Mike you dishonest, corrupt, obese parcel of shite. There was never any intention to sell the club just the usual stringing along of supporters to hide the lack of inward action for the third transfer window in a row.

As well as taking the club 'off the market' (like it was ever fucking on you fat wanker) he has appointed Chris Hughton as permanent manager - the same Chris Hughton who was in charge for a lot of our premiership demise last year and won one game, mind you he says 'yes' a lot and Mike the Liar likes that hence Joe Kinnear's employment.

Oh and apparently he's going to 'pump £20 million in this week' - pump it into what? We haven't made a net spend on any players for two years, in fact Mike the Liar has put a considerable few quid in his back pocket as a result of decimating our team and getting us relegated. We must be covering the wages as we're on telly every fucking week and are getting crowds in excess of most premiership clubs - so where's this £20 million being 'pumped' into then? Is it your tab at Greggs you fat cunt?

However, none of this is what's pissing me off today. No, it's the statement they sneaked in on the back end of the the announcements that has riled me beyond belief 'exploring maximum revenue streams including naming rights for the stadium'. Basically, he's going to change the name of St James Park for a few quid - we'll be called the Tesco Stadium or something because he's a childish, spiteful, evil, lying, prick.

One hundred and twenty years of tradition will be swept away in an instant at one of English footballs great clubs because a fat narcissist from Buckinghamshire is in a huff about being shown up to be a truly inept buffoon. Will the FA step in with their 'fit and proper persons test'? Will the national media do anything about it? Don't hold your breath.

Rumour has it that Ashley was close to attack when we lost at Scunthorpe the other night and stewards had to protect him. Well if he changes the name of our ground he might just have to get used to that.

Thursday, 15 October 2009

Joined up government?

Does anything actually work like it's supposed to in this country?

The Transport System. You can't drive anywhere without half the roads being closed or full of traffic cones that cause tailbacks and make you slow to a crawl so workers that aren't actually there are protected...and don't get me started on the fucking abortion that is the train service.

The child protection mob - whatever they're called. They aren't fit for purpose whichever way you look at it as every day brings another story of some poor little sod being abused in one way or another and another head of whichever department for pointless jobs hanging on for the payoff without even apologising.

The DSS. Apparently there's ELEVEN BILLION (that's eleven thousand million!) pounds spent every year from the public purse on disability benefits but the government are actually aware that 75% of them are faking it - that's about 8 Billion quid's worth! - they've just chosen to ignore it for the last decade...mind you there's an election coming up isn't there so doubtless they'll soon start talking a good game. Having said that, try paying many thousands of pounds into the system over the years through a series of well paid jobs and then get some back when you're made redundant through no fault of your own - persona non grata then ... bitter? Moi?

Democracy. In every other country it works like this :- you vote for who you want in charge and whoever gets the most votes then gets to rip off the most money until the next election. In this half arsed place we've went for the Zimbabwe option - no-one voted for the fucking gimp in charge (Brown or Mandelson, take your pick) but he's still taxing us to the hilt and giving what little spare we've got left to his euro mates.

The Armed Forces. Not a dig at them more the fucking donkeys who control them. If you take the decision to go to war and endanger the lives of thousand of brave men and women then you do it properly. You give them the best kit, the most firepower and excellent planning. Any of that happened for our boys and girls? Has it fuck. Do the politicians care? Do they fuck.

The Royal Mail. They can just fuck off the whingeing, soon to be closed down and out of a job because they're so greedy bunch of knobs.

Right, my spleen feels pretty much vented, I'm having a cup of tea.


Tuesday, 22 September 2009

I'm a bit narked me like...

Alreet kids,

I've just been reading a lot of the reporting on Wor Bobby Robsons memorial yesterday and have to say that I find it a little hypocritical of the various media types,and especially their editors, to be talking about the man in such glowing terms.

They seem to forget that when he was Newcastle manager they mocked him for basically being over 65. They took the piss at every possible opportunity because he couldn't remember names and they got themselves all in a moral frenzy every time a Newcastle player did something wrong and implied it was down to Bobby 'losing the dressing room' - don't recall them saying owt like that when Gerrard lamped that bloke three times on cctv recently mind, must depend which club you're at eh?

When the fat leech that ran/milked our club at the time of Bobby's sacking publicly humiliated and shafted him, his equally odious mate Douglas Hall came out with 'Robson was taking us down' and the majority of the Southern based national media nodded their heads in sage acquisence.

Looking back further, the editors of these self same Southern based national newspapers crucified Robson when he was England manager, despite him being the second best national manager ever, usually for the crime of never having managed West Ham or Tottenham.

So, to see the thousands of words written yesterday idolising the man they once villified just sums up the state of this nations media and sadly, the people it's aimed at, the junk food, instant fix, 'reality tv' brigade.

Hypocritical, dishonest and idiotic - both the media and the tabloid fodder it serves.

Fuck them all.

Ps - Mike Ashley couldn't be bothered to attend yesterday - more classy behaviour from the fat cockney pikey that has wrecked a once great English Football Club. You might not have read about that like as Newcastle is a long way from Fleet Street and Wapping.

Sunday, 13 September 2009

Life On Mars?

My Name is Fast Hands. I've been on holiday. When I came back I was in 1947 and Dame Vera Lynn was No.1. Am I in a coma or just going mad? Now I know I have to get back to 2009 with it's ineffectual police, amoral politicians and Chris fucking Moyles.

Actually, bollocks to that, think I'll stay here. Altogether now:-

We'll meet again...

Friday, 28 August 2009

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 10

Whichever senior politician made the scottish bloke release the Lockerbie bomber in exchange for an oil deal further down line - amoral scum; The yanks who are getting all twisty faced about it when they funded various terror groups for years causing the deaths of hundreds of innocents - not such a fucking laugh now boys is it; Mike Ashley - no explanation needed but I hope he manages to impale himself on something rusty sometime soon; Being fucked about by firms who virtually promise you jobs then, after you've had two interviews and they've creamed themselves over you, bring someone else in at the death and tell you to fuck off - cunts; Students; Unbelievably thick plebs in little Oxfordshire towns who'll find out where you're from and proceed to aggressively slag off the North in the name of humour before proudly telling you they support Man Utd and then can't understand it when you piss yourself laughing at them; People who haven't yet bought a copy of the finest football book ever written, 'I'm Rivelino' HINT HINT; Chris Moyles (bet you thought I'd forgot!); Neighbours that have got apple trees that fire their fruit all over your new patio; People who loudly proclaim that they only drink one brand of lager and all the rest is just piss - fuck off they're all basically the same you pretentious twat; My coffee table - I've just walked into it and I think I've broken my leg.....

Fuckin hell...

Monday, 10 August 2009

All signed out...for now.

Alreet Kids,

Well Mike Ashley's still on a mission to destroy one of English Football's grandest old clubs criminally aided by the national media who would have started massive front page campaigns to hang him and llambias by now if we were a London club.

However...I can't be arsed to talk about that fat homosexual today (just my opinion like...) instead I've got some pics for you of my recent book signing sessions at Borders in Wallsend and Team Valley. Also a bit of news, I'll be doing another signing session of my book 'I'm Rivelino' or 'The Working Class Fever Pitch' as it's becoming known, at 'The Back Page' in Newcastle on Wednesday 19th August from 16:00 to about 17:30 before I head up to the BBC studios to appear on Radio Newcastle's new sports show with Steve Howey. After that I'll be gannin to the match against Sheff Wed and shouting abuse at a certain porcine buffoon with a penchant for fresh faced young cockneys.....well how else could you explain Dennis wise's employment, it's not like the fucker contributed to the football side of things was it?

Anyway, hope you like the pics - Later.

Monday, 27 July 2009

Signing On....


Been a while like I know but I've had some stuff gannin on which has left me a bit discombobulated (my favourite word!).

The main ones being that I'm about to be made redundant and have been placed on 'Garden Leave' meaning I'm out of the way and can't nick owt whilst they pretend to decide whether to make me redundant when in actual fact the decision was made fucking weeks ago!

The other thing gannin on is obviously, my award winng book* 'I'm Rivelino', which I shall be signing at two (that's TWO) Borders stores this weekend.

Borders Wallsend (Silverlink)

Borders Team Valley

These links are the events pages for the stores and if you scroll down them it should have my 'appearance' times...get me eh!

Anyway, I'm off to the job centre - might see you Saturday?

* I'm Rivelino - Best book written by a Byker lad this week...

Tuesday, 30 June 2009

I'm Rivelino.....No I'm Rivelino.......


I'm more than alreet - I'm fucking buzzing man!

My first ever full length published work is now available for Pre-Ordering on Amazon ahead of it's launch on August 1st. 'I'm Rivelino - A Life of Two Halves' will be available from Borders, The Back Page and all online retailers for the criminally cheap price of £6.99 AND I'll be marking the emergence of my seminal (ahem) work with a signing session at Borders Wallsend (on the Silverlink) at 12.30 on August 1st and 15.00 at Borders Team Valley on the same day.

It's all going on!

Here's a link to Amazon and some blurb about the book :-

Pre-Order on Amazon


Andy Rivers has told an entertaining tale about following your' club through thick and thin. I'm sure you'll enjoy it whichever team you support.’

Lee Clark (Ex-Newcastle United)

‘One is a Brazilian Footballing Legend. The other went to school in Walker and grew up in Byker so knows the crack and scribbles a lot better than he dribbles. A mint read.’

Mick Edmondson (DJ Mad Mick)


‘When you consider them in a football sense you think of 'little Rotherham playing Newcastle? Oh the romance of the cup.’ Well all I could see was fifteen stone, pie eating nutters covered in tattoos and no matter how much aftershave they'd slapped on there'd be no f**king romance going on there I can tell you...!’

Thanks to a family member taking him to his first match in the early seventies whilst he was at a young and impressionable age Andy Rivers discovered Newcastle United. Given the stress and despair this has caused him over the last thirty years it's fair to assume that this action would be considered child abuse today. His story, peppered with terrace wit and rough charm, will be identified with by supporters everywhere.

About The Author

Andy Rivers has been a Butlins Barman, pretend chippie on a Spanish construction site, coach holiday rep, mobile sandwich salesman and outdoor traffic cone washer to name but a few of his eclectic 'career' choices. Interesting as these jobs were, none of them will ever match standing drunkenly on a rain soaked terrace in a t-shirt whilst your team is battered four nil at home...and if you understand the logic of that then you definitely should buy this book!

Monday, 22 June 2009

It's Radgy time....

Just thought I’d make you all aware that the lads and lasses at Byker Books have brought out another corking collection of stories for your delectation:-

Radgepacket – Tales From The Inner Cities Volume Three

The eagerly awaited third volume in the ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ series will be launched onto an unsuspecting world on July 11th. Radgepacket Three continues the Byker Books quest to bring you the best in ‘unsigned and unhinged’ British talent as well as the more established names. We’ve got stories of giant rats, vigilantes, teenage car thieves and bent politicians as well as many more. If you like blood and guts, sex and drugs or gangsters and thugs then there’s something in here for you.

Come on…GET RADGE!

Available from selected Borders stores, Amazon and other online bookshops and

I’m not in it – they really can’t afford me these days – but I think it’s still worth £5.99 of anyone’s beer tokens – go on man you know you want to…actually, here’s the Amazon link as well, could I make it any easier????


Tuesday, 16 June 2009

State of the Police....

Did you see them coppers on the news last night. For those who didn’t I’ll set the scene.

There’s a bloke on the floor who has been ‘tazered’ with two coppers holding him down. Two more coppers then arrive and proceed to also hold the bloke down – despite the fact he’s barely moving anyway. Copper number one then shouts ‘get off him’ and tazers the bloke again while he’s still on the floor they all then hold him down again before one of the other coppers, an undoubted hard man who hides behind his badge, then punches the bloke in the head three times before they haul him off.
Apparently the bloke had ‘assaulted a police officer’ so it was okay for them to beat him up.

Now ask yourself this question – if the bloke had broke into your house and assaulted your wife before you and three of your mates got hold of him, electrocuted him twice and then smacked him in the head – who do you think would have been arrested?

Answers to thiscountry’

Sunday, 7 June 2009

Sold his soul...

Geordie? He might have slept with a Geordie once but that's about as close as he's ever been the fat, plastic manc, smash nosed, mercenary, dishonourable, Judas.

That is all.

Wednesday, 3 June 2009!

Well, that’s that then! Frankly, I’m glad this abortive season is all over and, even though we got relegated I’m just relieved it’s all finished.I’ve got to ask the question though – how on earth did Mike Ashley make all that money when he is blatantly as thick as fuck?

What kind of idiot backs Dennis Wise over Kevin Keegan IN NEWCASTLE?

What kind of stupid, fat, clueless cunt even contemplates Joe ‘me heart’s fucked and I haven’t been a manager since relegating Forest about ten years ago’ Kinnear as the manager of a team in freefall?

What kind of imbelic, brain dead, makem like, fucking pleb then doesn’t replace the aforementioned Mr. Kinnear and instead lets the team and club and city slide to it’s doom before bringing in someone professional once it’s too fucking late?

I’ll tell you what kind – the same kind of obese moron that then decides to sell the club and put it in managerless limbo just as everyone else is preparing for next season thus condemning us to another season of fucking about, playing catch up and getting nowhere.

Anyway, apparently the Sultan of Oman is sniffing around so let’s hope he comes up with the shekels sharpish and we can fuck the fat doylum off quickly and get back to being a football club again instead of a spoilt rich boy’s plaything.

Speaking of spoilt rich boys I was a bit surprised at the Villa fans being so jubilant at sending us down like – I realise that the media have managed to turn us into football lepers as far as the rest of the country is concerned but they were properly, eye bulgingly, face contortedly, screamingly, about to burst a fuse, desperate to send us down and I can’t for the life of me remember what we’ve ever done to them?

Every Villa fan I spoke to before and after the match (and there was a canny few – I’ll talk to anyone me, I mean I’m even talking to you now aren’t I…) didn’t want us to go down – so where did the 30,000 who did come from?

Anyway, they’re on my list now (it’s getting long my list) and, as we all know, football is cyclical and what goes around comes around. Twenty years ago Man Utd were a mid-table team with a barely known Scottish manager who most of their fans wanted sacked. So there’ll come a time when we can do them a bad turn and when that happens I’ll be there laughing my head off at them. Well that’s if any of the fickle fuckers turn up. These are the same fans who were booing Martin O’ Neill and their team off the pitch a few games ago – in fact if there’s any justice in the world at all then their chairman – the admirable Mr Lerner and Ashley will swap clubs – now that’d be funny!

Tuesday, 19 May 2009

Guy Fawkes was right, politicians are shite.

So they’ve finally been caught with their greedy, grasping fingers in the till eh? Brilliant.

Predictably; ‘It’s only a minority’, ‘it’s all within the rules and therefore it’s the rules that are to blame not us’, ’it’s all the papers’ fault for reporting it, not ours for stealing the cash in the first place’ and my own personal favourite, ‘it’s okay, I’m paying back the money I stole so you can all move on – nothing to see here officer.’

Imagine this scenario:-

You come home and find a burglar in your house so you take a lump of wood to his head and call the bizzies. When they turn up two weeks later, (having been unavoidably detained at a focus group seminar on the rights of one legged, eastern european, dwarf, single mother lesbians with learning difficulties) and try to nick you for defending yourself, the burglar then pipes up…

‘Actually officer, I wasn’t nicking anything anyway cos I’m going to repay all the cash I took, so technically no crime was committed and therefore this man has just assaulted me for no reason….’

Sounds daft but that’s the precedent that’s being set by the wankers that ‘run’ this country (and haven’t they made a good job of it…) – as far as I’m aware you can’t have different sets of rules in law. So if these horrible arseholes get away with stealing our taxes – at a time when the country’s nearly bankrupt anyway – then theoretically it’s open season and no-one will go to jail ever again.

What do you mean no-one does anyway? God you’re so cynical…..

Thursday, 7 May 2009

Harriet...fuck off Man.


Been a bit of while hasn’t it – sorry about that but they’ve decided at work that they’d like me to actually earn the pittance they give me every month so I’ve been driving a lorry up and down the A5 a lot recently.

Anyway, nowt’s changed really. My blockbusting, warts and all, tongue in cheek, look at the life of a football supporter ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is still coming out in August and if you’re good I’ll give you a mention when I’m on Jonathan Ross.

I went to see ‘The Specials’ in Birmingham a few weeks back and had a great time, ending up in Wolverhampton at my favourite club in all the world. The next day was a tad challenging though. Remember on the news a while back about a bloke who was handcuffed to a car steering wheel and the car was filled with gas bottles? Well the car was on the track south of Birmingham New Street train station and I was in there…trying to get my train home…which is south of the station….Bugger!

I’ve noticed also that Labour minister Harriet Harman is pushing a bill through Parliament that will make it legal to discriminate against white men! That’s the Labour party that was formed purely to protect the working classes, which at the time of it’s inception, was mainly white men – still they’ve had our money now though haven’t they.

I think someone ought to point out to her that the last fucker to try this shite was a shortarse Austrian who thought he could get away with demonising a certain section of the community back in the 1930’s …and look what happened to him…..

Politicians – all scum.


Friday, 24 April 2009

Writing News...and fuck off Chris Moyles!


Two good things happened last week.

The first involves reports that the fat, unfunny, man Chris Moyles will be losing his job sometime soon – obviously this was instantly and furiously denied by everyone but there’s no smoke without fire I feel that everyone protesteth too much – don’t let the door smack you on your ample arse on the way out knobhead.

And secondly, Some of you may recall that I mentioned writing a play some time ago and I posted bits of it on here. You may also recall that I was sending it to the Live Theatre in Newcastle for critique and that I promised to tell you what happened – well, I’m finally in a position to let you see an abridged version of the feeback I received :-

This is a short play about childhood loves and adult ambitions. It is also about lost youth and betrayal. Four school friends, now grown up, realise that their childhood sweethearts are no longer what they need or want.

DAVEY and JO have been together since schooldays as have NICK and RONI. JO and NICK’s lives have moved on so that they no longer want to be associated with their old loves. By moving up the career ladder they assume their less successful friends are not good for them either personally or for their careers. The drama begins when JO finishes her relationship with DAVEY after a disastrous night out. NICK too decides that RONI is no good for him and ends their relationship. Rejected pair, DAVEY and RONI have much in common including low ambition and sense of humour. Flung together RONI and DAVEY inevitably become a couple but more unexpectedly RONI becomes pregnant with DAVEY’s child and they decide they will stay together and look forward to the birth of their child. With the tables turned, NICK and RONI find out that by rejecting their friends they have rejected what they most wanted in life, family and security. In this ensemble piece there are strong themes of: loyalty; betrayal; ambition and growing up. Ambition and status are the demons fuelling NICK and JO whilst DAVEY and RONI, accepting that they will never be good enough, are happy to settle for being underachievers, becoming the settled family unit that all four friends had hoped to have.

The four characters have known each other for a long time and this comes across in the dialogue. The strongest dialogue is in the monologues. Here the characters’ voices are very clear and we get a real sense of who they are.

The scenes are cleverly thought out to avoid a great deal of set changes. Each character delivering monologues to the audience allows for more character development as well as making the play more interesting to watch.

At the moment this reads as an ensemble piece but not every character is equally developed within the narrative. For example, JO begins the play wanting commitment and possibly children and realises she is unlikely to get that if she stays with DAVEY. At the end of the play when RONI discloses her pregnancy with DAVEY who turns out to be supportive and committed, JO congratulates them and leaves. Presumably, JO has very strong feelings about what she has just heard but we don’t get to hear her point of view.
The monologues work well and add another dimension to the characters.

In some of the dialogue there is a tendency to write directions for the actors e.g. pleadingly, sarcastically. It might be worth taking these directions out to check whether the dialogue reflects these directions. Using subtext would strengthen the dialogue. For example, while it is clear what NICK and JO have given up by leaving their respective partners it is not clear how RONI and DAVEY really feel about being flung together by circumstance. There must be some tension between them as we know they were attracted for many years to complete opposites. From her monologue, we know RONI knows that DAVEY went out with JO for a bet. It is possible that she has doubts about his commitment to her.

So, it took a while but I think it was worth it – I’ve got a couple of useful pointers with where to take it now and once I’ve developed it further I’m gonna wing it to the BBC so they can stick it in their ‘Northern’ box.

Toodle pip.

Wednesday, 15 April 2009

Chasing Cars...and other shite.

Alreet kids, how’s it gannin?

Not much going on this week really. I’ve been working on my latest novel ‘Chasing Cars’ and as a special treat if you click on the link below you ‘ll see the prologue…well, until I re-write it anyway!

Chasing Cars

The toon got their first point under Big Al against Stoke. Dire match like but Carroll made all the difference when he came on I thought- we started winning headers and everything.

I’ve been thinking about fate a lot recently as well – it bothers me that my life might have been pre-determined before I was even born. It would explain some stuff but would also nark me beyond belief cos that would mean that every decision I ever made meant nowt doesn’t it? I could have just sat on my fat, Geordie arse and let it all happen without lifting a finger – seems to work for most of the tabloid fodder in this country anyway – and got to where I am now without breaking sweat.

So with that in mind I tried selling me soul to the devil but the fucker wasn’t interested - turns out I haven’t got one…..

Aye, I’m bored…..

Thursday, 9 April 2009

Mick Dennis...get a fucking grip son!

I was reading The Express on Wednesday, not a bad paper – they have the usual histrionics about whatever’s in vogue at the minute but they’re usually fairly even handed about things.

Not so Mr. Dennis – he has a weekly column which is mainly football based but sometimes takes in other sports and he tends to use this column to slate, abuse, mock and generally vent his spleen at….Geordies.

Mr Dennis or ‘the ugly fucking mong from East Anglia’ as he’s affectionately known in our house slags us off at every given opportunity and tends to use generalisations such as ‘The Toon Army tell us that…’ because of course he’s met every Newcastle fan…and they all think the same thing...and they all told him.

This weeks bile, masquerading as journalism, took the form of slating Alan Shearer and going on about how he went on too long in an England shirt conviently ignoring the media campaign of the time, which his own paper took part in, to get Shearer back playing in the team.

He also has a go at the fans and claims that even if we turn up in numbers next season in the lower leagues then we’ll still be shit and fickle etc. He’s a Norwich fan and I don’t think we’ve ever done them any bad turns so I fail to understand his hatred of Newcastle United, The City and Novocastrians in general. In fact, there can be only one explanation in my mind and as he’s got a face like Quasimodo’s aborted twin brother I think it’s not a bad shout:-

Mick, was your wife banging a Geordie behind your back mate? Did she tell you he was better than you…and bigger?

Let it go son…let it go…

Monday, 30 March 2009

Reasons to be cheerful 1...2...3

1. My book ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life Of Two Halves’ is being published in the summer and I know of at least three people who’ll buy it so that’s a pint I can afford.
2. When Newcastle go down under the stewardship of Messrs Ashley (fat cunt), Wise (evil little dwarf cunt) and Llambias (greasy cockney spiv cunt) then we’ll play more games on a Saturday, probably win more as we’re in a shiter division and that incompetent fat virgin will lose half of his investment overnight.
3. I’m going drinking with Danny King (top author bloke – if you haven’t discovered him yet you should) in a few weeks and then I’m off to see The Specials the next night with the Wolverhampton mob – woohoo!

Just thought I’d share that with you all.


Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Separated at Birth? Part 3...

Mike Ashley / Chris Moyles

Let’s consider the evidence shall we: -

• Chris Moyles is the world’s unfunniest man and Mike Ashley appointed a former casino owner and cockney spiv (Derek Llambias) to destroy Newcastle United which has left no-one laughing.

• They both suffer from an inflated sense of self-importance. Moyles proclaims himself ‘The Saviour of Radio 1’ – an organisation that has been running since before he was born and will still be going strong after his obesity kills him. Ashley seems to think he knows more about football than Kevin Keegan and as a consequence has wrecked the club that represents my city.

• They surround themselves with sycophants with no qualifications for their jobs other than the ability to do as they’re told. Moyles ‘people’ are required to laugh at his ‘jokes’ and Ashley’s ‘staff’ well, they’re simply required to get Newcastle United relegated...Dennis Wise anyone?

• They’re both fat, ugly bastards who are probably virgins.

• I hate them both.

That is all..

Thursday, 19 March 2009

Look at this Photograph....

Here’s a strange tale for you. I sent Byker Books an old photo of me in the school football team when I was seven for the cover of ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves’ and they were dead happy with it – set the right sort of tone and that.

They asked, quite rightly, was it my photo or had I got permission to use it from the owner? Obviously being me that hadn’t even crossed my mind and as I’d originally got the photo off a website about five years ago I thought I’d best make an effort to contact the bloke responsible for it.

I found him, he said I could use it and even suggested that, as he was a photographer these days, he would touch it up and send me a good version. I duly got onto Byker Books and told them. They were dead happy and life was cool.

Then he sent me the ‘good’ version back.

It was very good.

So good in fact that all the creases were out of it and you could see everyone’s face properly and do you know what?

It wasn’t me on the fucking photo!!!!!!

So now I’ve got to ‘create’ another cover pic sharpish and eating much humble pie…what a twat eh!

Wednesday, 11 March 2009

Everything is Average Nowadays - Part 9

Politicians who are getting all hysterical about Fred Goodwin’s gold plated pension deal and are demanding that he ‘does the right thing’ – don’t make me laugh you amoral, corrupt, grasping cunts, the hypocrisy emanating from you self righteous fuckers is sickening; Mike Ashley – we’re going down, you caused it, don’t try to convince us otherwise you nepotistic fat wanker; Chris Moyles – no particular reason this time I just fucking hate him; Cats that drag dead birds into your garden and leave them there – hope the fox gets you and does the same you little twats; Regional news that isn’t actually about your region – what’s that all about; Dennis Wise – Mike Ashleys gay lover; Agent Million from the Premium Bonds – he appears to have lost my address; People on Facebook who earnestly join every ‘cause’ going and feel the need to send these ‘causes’ on to me – fuck off, I don’t care; Whoever decided the Euro should be worth the same as the pound thus fucking up my little trip to Berlin; Joe Kinnear – Mike Ashleys dad; Whoever ‘slimed’ Peter Mandelson – she should have fucking punched him, missed opportunity there methinks; Derek Llambias – Mike Ashley’s bookie; All the left wing worthy’s who are jumping on the ‘Slumdog Millionaire is just poverty porn and it’s wrong’ bandwagon – fuck off it’s a good film and you’re just trying to be alternative, you sad, polo neck jumper wearing, ex-student, fuckwits; Whoever invented gardening – tosspot.

Aah – that’s better. Carry on.

Friday, 6 March 2009

Sunday dinner and Monday launch...

A canny weekend last week ladies and gents – a canny weekend indeed.

I went out on Saturday with the in-laws and stayed out until three in the morning without a drop of the demon drink passing my lips – impressive eh!

Following that I travelled up to God’s country on Sunday morning, ostensibly in order to attend the launch of ‘Radgepacket Volume Two’ at Borders in Team Valley but also to get me mouth round one of me mams legendary Sunday Dinners. So it was few pints in the club (The Clerb like…) to watch Newcastle get beat then a fuckoff big roast then more bevvy with the siblings…like I said canny.

The launch on Monday night was great – particularly as I’d never been to one before and the mighty Ray Banks was there. As I was in the original ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ I got to sign copies for punters and pretend I was famous…In fact I’m sure I heard someone ask why Brad Pitt was there….

See you later

Oh aye – I got a phone call off Huddersfield Town FC on Monday as well telling me that their manager ‘Lee Clark’ (ex toon player) would be happy to write a foreword for my forthcoming toon book – It’s all happening now kids, honestly, I’ll probably not be speaking to you this time next year…heh heh

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

Move over Nick Hornby....

Now then, bit of news for you all today.

I’ve been talking to the lads at Byker Books and they’re rather keen on publishing my book about Newcastle United and me – the superbly titled (I would say that wouldn’t I) ‘I’m Rivelino – A Life of Two Halves.’

They’re confident they can get it out by August in time for the new season and they’re working on it as we speak – good news eh!

While I won’t become a millionaire (or probably even a hundredaire for that matter) and it’s not like I’m a properly published fiction author I will have a book with my name on it.

They’ve also mentioned a couple of small signings as well so I’m digging out my eccentric authors costume as we speak – I’m thinking flat cap, jumper and scarf a la’ Albert Steptoe what do you reckon?

Anyway, good news for me and as things progress I’ll make sure you know first.

See you later

Thursday, 12 February 2009

The Civic and The Spiv...

When you’re thinking of a big night out you don’t really think of Wolverhampton do you?

You think Rio de Janeiro, New york, Barcelona, Newcastle upon Tyne (see how I slipped that in…), Los Angeles, Hong Kong et al

Wolverhampton probably doesn’t enter the equation BUT if you like pubs without poseurs, proper music with guitars in it and friendly locals (well no-one tried to hit me anyway) then I can heartily recommend the home of the Yam Yams.

And, if you end up there, can I suggest you patronise the two ‘Civics’ both ‘Little’ and ‘Big’ – particularly when the indie club night ‘Blast Off’ is on – fucking class man.

Anyway, in short, proper bars, proper music, proper good time.

Speaking of things that are ‘proper’ I noticed that the very opposite of that word was in the local Tyneside papers this week. Derek Llambias, the man in charge at Newcastle United (I use the word ‘man’ in it’s loosest possible sense as I’m of the opinion he’s a cowardly fucking spiv personally) deigned to give an interview and basically said that they’re in charge (‘they’ being the cockney mafia currently destroying the club through a combination of incompetence, pig-headedness and maelevolence) we’ll do as we’re told and anyway they don’t care what we think anyway so ner ner ner ner ner.

I’m in two minds as to whether I can be arsed to write an open letter to the bloke via the aformentioned local press and the various fanzines I’m on good terms with or whether I should just wait outside his house with a bat….I just divvent kna like.

Anyway, I’d best get back to work before anyone realises this is what I actually do all day and sticks me on the redundancy list but if I do write that letter you can all see it first...just before I go to court for libel.

See you later.

Thursday, 5 February 2009

Big Bad Wolves...

I’m all excited this week.

‘Why’s that,’ I hear you ask, ‘surely a grizzled old cynic such as yourself doesn’t get excited about anything Mr. Fasthands?’

I’ll tell you why – it’s the first big boys beano of the year on Saturday, the lads are travelling from Scotland, the Toon and Oxfordshire and we’re hitting Wolverhampton HARD - I cannit wait!

Obviously there’s also been a couple of things that have got my goat lately:-

Mike Ashley – Fat Liar

Dennis Wise – Insidious, Machiavellian dwarf with ‘little man’ complex

Derek Llambias – Arthur Daley’s smugger and stupider brother

Corrupt politicians in the House of Lords – Surprised? Not really.

The whole South of England coming to a standstill because it snowed – puffs.

Redundancies at work and the backbiting, moaning and bitching that has accompanied it – bunch of arse like.

Peter Mandelson – I’m alright Jack.

Anyway, bollocks to all that, I’m in too much of a good mood to let all of those plums spoilt it.

Have a good one kids – I know I will!

Wednesday, 14 January 2009

Radgepacket 2 - Launch Event

The lads at Byker Books have asked me very nicely if I'd be able to publicise the launch event they have planned for the next volume in their 'Radgepacket' series - as I'm a nice bloke I thought I'd oblige.

March 2nd 2009 – Radgepacket 2 Launch Event

Yes it's true ladies and gents – the eagerly awaited return of ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ is being launched at ‘Borders Bookshop’ in Team Valley, Gateshead on Monday March 2nd at around 18.00 by renowned crime author Sheila Quigley and unknown editor…me!

If you can get there to say hello, maybe have a glass of cheap plonk, have your photo taken with Sheila (and me if you’re sad) and meet some of our contributors then you’re most welcome.

Here’s a bit of blurb from the respected and, frankly, fucking ace, author Ray Banks :-

Top notch stuff. Seriously impressed and it's nice to see someone filling the void that Bullet left. Keep up the stellar work!

So put it in your diaries and come and see us – I promise not to dip your pockets…..



Byker Books

Friday, 9 January 2009

The Good, The Bad and the proper fucking Ugly.

Happy (belated) new year – hope you all had a good festive season.

Anyway, on with this shite:-

The Good
The first Big Boys Beano of 2009 is fast approaching. It will see hordes of us descending on Wolverhampton, home of a Cockney exile, in order to drink the town dry and cry about our hangovers the next morning.

The Bad
The firm I work at has placed everyone on a ’90 day redundancy consultation period’ while they decide who to get rid of following Subaru’s pulling out of the World Rally Championship.

The Proper Fucking Ugly

The Mike ashley/Dennis Wise/Derek Llambias axis of evil. All ugly bastards. FACT.

On an unrelated note I’ve submitted the first novel I ever wrote (the mighty Maxwell’s Silver Hammer) to a small indie publisher I discovered – owt happens you’ll be first to know. On a note unrelated to that, Byker Books have mentioned that they’ll be releasing ‘Radgepacket2’ at the end of Feb – I’m not in it but I know someone who is – here’s a look at the cover.

If it’s owt like the last one it’ll be good.

Now wrap up warm this weekend won’t you – I’ve just read that the EU will be taking our gas reserves to help out fellow european member states, good old Tony and Gordon selling us all out like that eh…..