Friday, 26 September 2008

Blood and Blunders...

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks? Well there’s a simple answer to that – I’m a lazy bastard!

Nah, only kidding…well actually I’m not, I am a lazy bastard…but I do have mitigating circumstances.

I managed to somehow slash three of my fingers whilst using a chainsaw in a manly fashion*, resulting in claret gushing everywhere and lots of gauze, bandages and surrogate stitches (plastic strip things). All of this didn’t actually physically stop me from typing but it put me off enough to stop me doing it.

Obviously as a hard northern bastard I still went out on the drink at my nephews Eighteenth birthday party the same night though, hey – you’ve gotta have priorities right?

Anyway, not posting anything has given me the chance to re-appraise the situation at Newcastle United and take a cool, detached and methodical view of it all.

My conclusion is still that Denis Wise is the devil incarnate, Mike Ashley is a bumbling fat fool with a ‘please like me’ complex and Derek Llambias, the anonymous chairman, is a dick of the highest order who wears ridiculous glasses in an attempt to look Mike Read his cockney idol.

That’s them telt.

Oh, I went to see Paddy McGuiness last night and he was as filthy, rude and funny as usual. His support act, whose name I forget, was very good as well and told us all what to do when confronted with those knobs who smoke on buses. I shan’t go into detail, suffice to say I’d never heard the term passive wanking before!

I’ll leave you with that – have a good one.

Ps – Just heard about Joe Kinnear (aka Mate of the goggle eyed, cock sucking, taxi driver assaulting dwarf) taking over the toon on an interim basis – fuck me I’m depressed…

* it wasn’t a chainsaw it was a tin but don’t tell anyone I’m trying to build up a hardman rep….


Yvonne Young said...

Don`t tell me that it was a corned beef tin, oh no... your turning into Desperate Dan. Glad your back in situ, but still no joy with the club and the orcs within. Just away to sample some cow heel pie.

vicks said...

I bet it was a tin of something like black olives or chickpeas

Rivs said...

Ladies, ladies,

Yvonne, it was, in fact, a corned beef tin - I am truly a product of a council estate.

Vicks, I tend to get my black olives from the authentic little deli down the road...tinned? Pah - I'm a sophisticated Byker lad me man.

Daz said...

I heard you normally get your wife to open up jars and tins for you, this is what happens when little boys try to be big lads.
P.S. The Joe Kinnear thing is brilliant.