Wednesday, 1 August 2007

Revised Security Levels

I recently acquired this secret report* from a mole I have within the corridors of power and it makes interesting reading. Look at it quickly as I may have to delete it soon once the tabloids get wind of it:-

---------------------Report Begins-----------------------------

In view of recent terrorist activities in United Kingdom and elsewhere the response has been an increase in international security levels.

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." Londoners have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was during the great fire of 1666.

Also, the French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide." The only two higher levels in France are "Surrender" and "Collaborate." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralyzing the country's military capability.

However, it's not only the English and French that are on a heightened level of alert.

Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout Loudly and Excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose."

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

---------------------------Report Ends-------------------------

* its not a report, it's an email I got for a laugh - sorry!


Daz said...

After the Glagow airport thing I heard the jocks were looking at upping their security level to 'drinking so much you wake up in a pool of someone else's piss'

Jo4nny said...

Across the ocean, our Canadian government has also raised it's terror alert status from "Take off!" to "We're getting right mad, eh!". Our next level is "Write a strongly worded, yet polite, letter" followed by "Fuck it, let's grab a brewski."