Clone Island...

Having spent the last twenty seven years watching the lads at grounds up and down this sceptred isle the one thing that I have noticed is; no matter which part of the country you are in, there are certain types of people who are exactly the same. The accents may sound different and the faces may look dissimilar, but the characteristics remain identical. From Fratton Park all the way up to gods chosen land you can go into any ground, look around any stand and rest assured that the following selection of supporter types will be present.

The Billy Nee Pals

Billy is easily given away by his propensity to engage everyone from the stewards to the hooligans in inane conversation. The subject matter is not important. What is important to Billy Nee Pals is that he is seen to be on speaking terms with most of the fans, by the rest of the fans. Normally a man, Billy Nee Pals has craved to belong since school. This is where he would always be excluded from joining in with the lads, unless a goalkeeper was needed to make up the numbers for a game of five a side. Billy knows everything about football in general and his team in particular, he will be wearing a big coat covered in badges and patches that denote various times in his teams history. When he’s not badgering you to death with his travel tales he’ll be boring the tits off you with stories about his new car or teenage girlfriend. After the match Billy then walks home to his mams house and goes straight to his room to read Razzle.

The School Captain

Again, usually a man, the school captain is in his mid-thirties and always turns up in at least one item of football training kit. This lets everyone in the ground know his status as a good footballer, one who could have turned professional if he didn’t injure his *knee/back/little finger. Recently divorced from his wife, who he married at nineteen with the reception, disco and buffet at his football clubhouse, he now realises he isn’t a pretty boy any more but can’t be bothered to get back into shape to reclaim his past glories so he just wears the gear and slicks his hair back to show off his new diamond earring. The school captain normally stands stock still by his seat and casually reads his fanzine using it as a cover to check out the lasses scattered around him. He will only venture out to the pie shop at half time if he sees The Hooligans Bird or Match Lass heading that way and he thinks he can impress her.

* Delete as applicable


The Hooligans Bird / Match Lass

The Hooligans Bird and Match Lass are a very different species of female, one (HB) comes to the match wearing full make up, strong perfume and low cut tops. The other (ML) turns up in replica top and trainers, sometimes wearing a humorous wig. As they are different in species the relationship between the two would normally be quite amicable but can become strained and very competitive when HB likes the look of School Captain and ML also thinks she’s got a chance. The main difference between the two is their availability. The Hooligans Bird is unattainable mainly due to the surveillance duties of the two big lumps in front of her, whereas the match lass is normally accessible and advertises the fact using her two big lumps in front of her.


The Plastic Hooligan

The plastic hooligan has all the Stone Island gear and considers himself to be a double hard bastard. He is frequently seen hanging round train stations and pubs on match days, usually with a couple of hangers on with the same delusions as him. He has only ever been heard to utter two sentences in public and only ever when he is mob handed “Get the stragglers” and “Have you got the time mate?” He holds all replica shirt wearers in the same contempt with which the proper hooligans hold him, especially the lads he knew at school who could chin him easily. Once his match day experience of keeping well out of the way of any possible harm while simultaneously shouting the loudest is over he may engage a potential girlfriend in some flirtatious banter. This is then subtly followed up with a dinner invitation; 1930hours at Fabio’s kebab shop once he finishes ‘running’ the opposition.

The Comedian

This bloke (and believe me it’s always a bloke) is very similar to Billy nee pals, except he’ll normally have a couple of grinning, inane, easily impressed, spanners with him. He will spend the match shouting remarks at opposing players and officials that he and his friends think are hysterical. The supporters around him will tend to ignore him as he goes through his routine and tells the poor unfortunates near him how ‘I’m mad me’. Recent examples of this blokes humour include the hysterical “Ref man get a life ha ha” and the rib popping “Mario, you’re not super ha ha”. Try not to split your sides laughing if you are ever seated near a comedian.

The Elitist

This person is male and hates everyone in the ground who ‘wasn’t there when we were shit’, especially the new breed sky generation from Wallsend. He gets particularly annoyed at people who get in his way by coming into the match after kick off and then leaving ten minutes early. He resents being unable to get a pie and a pint at half time because “the queue’s ower big and full of part timers and success supporters man” and he will tell you the same tales of travelling away to games time and again. The elitist has been supporting his team up and down this sceptred isle for the last twenty-seven years.