Pen Pictures...

In response to a plea from a diamond cockney geezer for some pictures - here's one of him drinking with his mates in the Camden Palace club - which one are you Tel?

and here's one of his cousin - the crisp eating former army officer from Motherwell...

Looking good Dave.

Everything is Average nowadays - Part 3

Politicians of all affiliations but particularly those ones who swap parties to join whoever's winning at the time - tosspots; Mercenary footballers who just use proper working class clubs to enhance their international aspirations and then agitate for a move when the 'corporate brand' clubs start sniffing about; New cars that break down on your way to work the second day you have them; Students - especially the really annoying ones who go on to run the country; Shit televison that insults my intelligence - 'Wags off Fags' - Fuck off; Henmania - Jesus what's the point; Brazilians who try to nick your regular readers for their website; Getting chinned when you're only meant to be doing light sparring;Being thirty seven in two weeks - the last thing I remember is taking that pill on my twenty first birthday in Madisons; People who slag off Ricky Hatton; Insurance administration fees - fifteen quid for ten minutes, eight of which you spend on hold;Little boys with guns and knives; Little girls who egg on little boys with guns and knives;Chris Moyles - knob; Taxi Drivers who feel the need to sound their horn loudly in the morning; Fat people who claim it's all in the genes; Smokers who winge about the new rules - tell someone who gives a fuck; Graeme Souness.


Each and everyone is a steaming pile of putrid shite.

Things I didn't know yesterday - Part 3

I work and live in Oxfordshire, this, unfortunately, means I mix with numerous 'supporters' of different football clubs. I was always under the impression that to be a supporter you had to actually watch the team whose virtues you extolled - not so.

I've just witnessed an exchange between a Liverpool 'supporter' and one of a Man Utd persuasion where the Liverpool fan, without a trace of irony in his forty year old Banbury accent, decryed the Man Utd chap as, 'a glory hunter because you're not from Manchester'.

You can't write comedy like this.

Just a quickie (I'm always saying that!),

Here's a top site for photos of the toon - as evidenced by my Stags Heed picture on the right.

http://newcastlephotos.blogspot.com/

I'm sure he'll link me forthwith!!

Separated at Birth??

Here's a conundrum for you - Are Tony Blair and Graeme Souness the same person?

Let's look at the facts shall we:-

• Both went to school in Edinburgh
• Both started their careers in unthinkable shitholes - Blair in Co. Durham and Souness in Middlesbrough
• Both had porn taches when they younger
• Both replaced people who were far better than they'll ever be (John Smith and Sir Bobby Robson)
• Both rely heavily on spin to hide their ineptness
• Both have only had success north of the border, failing miserably in England
• Both of them employed idiots - The list is too long for Blair, I'll simply mention Prescott, Souness, amongst others, once played an unknown african who claimed to be George Weah's cousin in a PREMIER LEAGUE match!
• They're both renowned for their love of a pound or two
• They both hung on until the bitter end before being removed from their positions
• They both, for some unfathomable reason, keep getting linked with top jobs.
• They were both fucking incompetent!

There you have it, proof positive if ever it was needed, that the caledonian chancer and the soon to be ex premier are one and the same person. This might explain why the jocks have the life of riley and our pensioners can't afford their prescriptions in order to live, still as long as Tone gets to be president of europe then it'll all have been worth it.

Sack the board, Sack the Board...

The new owner of Newcastle United, Mike Ashley, has reportedly asked the entire board to hand in their resignations as he intends to replace them with his own people before he lashes out tens of millions of pounds on players. I would comment further on this but it's difficult to type when you're doing handstands.

Growing pains!

I'm a fit bloke, I go to a boxing gym at least three times a week and I eat a balanced diet involving vast amounts of fruit and veg. With this in mind I approached looking after my twelve year old nephew last night with no trepidation, after all what could he do that I couldn't cope with? Absolutely nowt I thought.

Turns out I was wrong, turns out he's got himself a Nintendo Wii (pronounced Wee). You know the one, where you don't just sit down and play games, you strap the controller to your hand and act out the moves. Well last night he challenged me to, Tennis, Baseball, Golf, Bowling and of course... Boxing.

Today I have more aches and pains than Ricky Hatton's next opponent and am struggling to walk around my new warehouse much less do any actual work.

Nintendo Wii - be careful, you'll think it's a piece of piss but the next day you'll feel like shit!

PS - Yes I did beat him at everything...except the boxing, oh the shame!

Tough on Crime?????

I watched the final episode in Andrew Marr's excellent 'history of modern Britain' series last night. This one basically exposed the hypocrisy of the Blair era, when in opposition they shouted long and loud about tory 'sleaze' (and let's be frank, they were sleazy and they deserved it) but Tone hadn't been in power two minutes before Bernie Ecclestone was whispering in his ear about tobacco advertising on Formula One cars and the million pound 'donation' he'd made to the Labour party. I still had this in mind when the news came on and Tone's best mate, 'Oor Wullie' Falconer announced that upwards of twenty five thousand (that's 25,000) prisoners would be released early from their sentences in order to alleviate prison overcrowding. Sentences that they only serve half of anyway incidentally, some of them are out before the bruising has gone down on their victims, however, I digress, I initially thought well why don't we just disband the police force that would solve prison overcrowding forever but then realised it was all a clever ploy by Tone. Bearing in mind that this government worships the pound like no other before it, it's obvious that Tone has got into bed (so to speak- no sleaze chants here) with british door lock manufacturers - it's brilliant. Big factories will open up everywhere as we all turn our homes into fortresses and the gross national product will hit the roof, okay there'll be casualties as pensioners too poor to buy into the new vision are beaten robbed and probably murdered in their own homes but hey, he's a pretty straight sort of guy is Tone and every operation has collateral damage right?

A Classless Society?

I was watching the news the other day and my attention was caught by some minister or other as he spoke with great sadness about the deaths of servicemen and women in Afghanistan and Iraq. Having a lot of friends and family that have been or still are in the forces I would normally watch this in solemn silence and then move on but this time I could feel my blood starting to heat up. The chap in question (who's name I can't remember but he's the minister for telling lies or something) denied all accusations of government failure to spend money on proper equipment and also denied that lives could have been saved if the troops had decent protective gear and vehicles with some modicum of armour plating - obviously as a politician has denied something then it's automatically true.

I switched the telly off before I threw things at it and read my paper instead - noting with interest that the MP's who rule this country and also allegedly represent the constituencies that have produced these, sadly, dead soldiers had awarded themselves another pay rise higher than the rate of inflation to go with their gold plated pensions.

Still, it's not as if the money could have been spent elsewhere is it?

Gypsies, tramps and thieves

So the Stevens report has 'named names', I can't comment on the others in the list (especially Wor Sam) but it comes as no great surprise to see Souness mentioned. Apparently there's something fishy about his transfer dealings at Newcastle, the report hinting that there are inconsistencies in the deals that brought world class talent such as Boumsong, Luque, Faye and Emre to St James Park.

Call me pedantic but, the fact that Souness has shares in Rangers, a club he paid nine million pounds to for a player they had got free six months previously, well did that not ring any alarm bells in the chairmans office? Throw in that the player in question was the mighty Boumsong, a defender so inept he makes titus bramble look competent, and shouldn't the local paper have been asking some questions?

With a bit of luck the police will get involved and the caledonian chancer will never work again, which would be lucky for Coventry fans as he's apparently thinking of buying them - using our money probably!

I hope he gets six months and has to share a cell with Barrymore.

Things I didn't know yesterday - Part 2

It turns out that David Brent isn't a fictitous character after all - I'm working for him.

Michael Barrymore...

I bet he's shitting it now.

Carry on.

Here's the fixtures boys and girls - courtesy of my part time blog employee - The shadow.

As predicted by my good self Big Sam -v- Little Sam first off.

August

11 Bolton A
15 Arsenal H
18 Villa H
25 M'Boro A

Sept

1 Wigan H
15 Deby A
22 W Ham H
29 Everton A

Oct

6 Man C H
20 Spurs H
27 Reading A

November

3 Ports H
10 SUNDERLAND A
24 L'Pool H

December

1 Blackburn A
8 Birming H
15 Fulham A
22 Derby H
26 Wigan A
29 Chelsea A

January

1 Everton H
12 Man U A
19 Bolton H
29 Arsenal A

Feb

2 M'Boro H
9 Villa A
23 Man U H

March

1 Blackb H
8 Liverpool A
15 Birming A
22 Fulham H
29 Spurs A

April

5 Reading H
12 Portsm A
19 SUNDERLAND H (send em down)
26 West Ham A

May

3 Chelsea H
11 Man City A

One question - why do we always get chelsea as our last home game???

The fixture list is out today...

Oooh who will we get first????

Will it be the makems so we can teach them their first lesson of what will be a very long season for them?

Will it be Bolton - Big Sam -v- little Sam?

What about an early season collision with Man U or Arsenal to see how our styles compare (ie we'll kick them off the pitch - AVE IT!)

I hope it's Villa away personally because it's normally three points and a good day out.

Whoever we get I'll let you know.

Grim Shitness and Freddy's goodbye.

Graeme 'I like nil - nil draws me' Souness has had the temerity to come out and advise Mike Ashley on his takeover of Newcastle United hinting that a lot of money needs to be spent to improve the team. I simply cannot believe the brass neck of the incompetent twat.

This is the same Graeme Souness that on taking over a Newcastle team that had just finished 5th in the league (another inspired footballing decision by the fat pikey) declared that 'this is the best squad of players I've ever had' and then spent £50 million destroying it and bringing in shite like Boumsong, Faye, Babayaro, Luque and, maybe controversially but he's done fuck all for us and he's a mercenary little twat in my opinion, Owen.

I cannot believe that anyone even listens to anything the caledonian fraud says any more much less even consider employing him as a team manager, he doesn't understand either word - Team or Manage.

Anyway, this is the official end of my, Stop the spin - Shepherd OUT campaign as I've obviously won and chunky will be off to Greggs permanently soon.

Howay the lads and shut up Souness you gobshite.

Things I didn't know yesterday - Part 1

Thanks to my new job I have discovered the following:-

If a rally driver gets covered in champagne and then stuffs his driving gear into a holdall before it begins the three day journey back from somewhere like say,...ooh Greece for instance, to the company headquarters then, when the holdall is opened in the warehouse of the aforementioned company then the overalls will be covered in a green mould - interesting eh?

Back in the game...

I've been in my new job a week now and things are starting to settle down - it's not brilliant but it pays the bills so what can you do.

Anyway, good stuff's happened in my absence, Shepherd's agreed to sell his shares in Newcastle thus giving me the faint hope of some trophy success in my lifetime, Festival season's starting so there'll be plenty of tunes about and of course Big Brothers back on the telly!! (only kidding - I despise the people who appear on that shite with every bone in my body- sad, insecure, unloved as children, bullied at school muppets that they are.)

I'm back and it feels good.