Monday, 3 September 2007

Getting away with it...

I was sent this short play by a fellow writer - he's happy for you all to see it and get your comments. For what it's worth I think it's very good but let's hear what you think.

Turkey is prowling his small holding cell at Clifford Street police station, his rage takes a hold of him and he begins banging on the cell door




The eye slot in the cell door opens

POLICEMAN : Keep the fucking noise down Turkey and get yourself ready to welcome a new cell mate.


POLICEMAN : No it’s not, it’s fucking Persil, now shut the fuck up.

The eye slot in the door slams shut and Turkey continues to pace the perimeter of his cell, thinking aloud.

TURKEY : I hope it’s fucking Daz; he’s bound to have some gear stashed up his arse, saying that like the last time it was shit.

TURKEY : Whoever it is he’s on the fucking floor, this is my bed and it better not be any of those immigrant cunt’s either, the cheeky fuckers coming over here and getting all our benefits without doing any graft.

The cell door lock turns and the door opens.

POLICEMAN : Here’s your new cell-mate Turkey.

ANTHONY : Look officer, this can’t right, there must be some mistake.

POLICEMAN : Shut the fuck up and get inside.

ANTHONY : Please, at least give me my own cell for the night.

POLICEMAN : Have you heard that Turkey? He doesn’t want to share with you.

TURKEY : Cheeky cunt, I don’t want to share with him either.

The cell door shuts and the policeman shouts through it.

POLICEMAN : Just don’t ask him why he’s called Turkey.

ANTHONY : What did he shout?

TURKEY : Nothing, So who the fuck are you then?

Anthony offers his hand and replies

ANTHONY : Hello I’m Anthony, Anthony Hughes.

Turkey ignores the offer of the handshake.

TURKEY : I’m fucking Turkey and that’s my bed.

ANTHONY : Oh right, so we don’t have a bed each.

TURKEY : Does it look like it?

ANTHONY : Err okay…at least it’ll only be for a few hours.

TURKEY : A few hours, what the fuck you on about? You’ll be lucky if you get out by tomorrow afternoon.

ANTHONY : Tomorrow afternoon, I can’t stay that long. I was told I’d get to see the duty solicitor in the morning.

TURKEY : On a Sunday morning, you’ll be fucking lucky.

ANTHONY : But I must, when will I get my phone call?

TURKEY : This isn’t the fucking Bill. You’ll be lucky to get a blanket never mind a phone call. What you in for anyway?

ANTHONY : Nothing, I haven’t done anything.

TURKEY : Bollocks you wouldn’t be here if you hadn’t done anything. So what is it then? Have you and your boyfriend had a fight?

ANTHONY : I’m not gay I’m married.

TURKEY : Aye and so was fucking Barrymore. So what is it then? You better not be a nonce.

ANTHONY : What’s a nonce?

TURKEY : A nonce, a kiddie fiddler, a paedo. Is that what you’re in for?

ANTHONY : Certainly not, how dare you.

TURKEY : You’d better fucking not be, and don’t fucking how dare you me or you’re getting a hiding.

TURKEY : So what are you in for then?

ANTHONY : As I said I’m innocent so I’d rather not say.

TURKEY : Must be something to do with tax or fraud, you look like that type, not like me.

ANTHONY : I’m not any type, this is all a huge mistake, I’ve done nothing wrong.

TURKEY : Yeah course you haven’t and neither have I.

ANTHONY : So are you innocent as well?

TURKEY : Oh yeah, it wasn’t me that screwed the off license on Shields Road and it wasn’t me who lifted the computers from the hospital.

ANTHONY : Oh who was it then?

TURKEY : What?

ANTHONY : So who was it then?

TURKEY : For fuck’s sake it was fucking me wasn’t it! That’s what I’m saying you dick it wasn’t me, but it was me - and I didn’t get caught.

ANTHONY : Oh right I see, but it really wasn’t me.

TURKEY : Looking at you it probably wasn’t, you don’t look like you could turn the garden over never mind anything else. You’re obviously not a career criminal like myself.

ANTHONY : You make a career out of crime? You don’t look old enough.

TURKEY : I’m twenty three, a veteran in this game and crime does pay, don’t let anyone else tell you any different.

ANTHONY : So what sort of things do you do to earn money?

TURKEY : Everything, armed robbery, drugs, prostitution.

ANTHONY : You do armed robberies?

TURKEY : That would be telling wouldn’t it?

ANTHONY : I suppose its better that it didn’t know.

TURKEY : Yeah, I’ve got loads of shooters me and they’re not just for show if you know what I mean.

ANTHONY : You shoot people?

TURKEY : Only if I have to.

ANTHONY : So how many people have you shot?

TURKEY : Like I said before that would be telling.

ANTHONY : Okay, I understand.

TURKEY : Aye, but between you and me it’s more than two and less than four.

ANTHONY : Oh right. So what about the prostitution? You don’t exploit girls by pimping them out do you?

TURKEY : Fuck me; the state of some of them they’re the one’s doing the exploiting.

ANTHONY : Don’t you feel guilty? They’re someone’s daughters.

TURKEY : Aye but a man’s got to eat.

ANTHONY : There’s loads of legitimate ways to make money though, have you never had a normal job?

TURKEY : This is a normal job where I’m from?

ANTHONY : I can imagine, what about the drugs then? Do you sell them?

TURKEY : You’re asking a lot of questions, are you a fucking bizzie?

ANTHONY : No I’m just making conversation; you brought up your different means of income.

TURKEY : You’d better fucking not be. It wouldn’t be the first time they’d tried to fit me up, it’s the only way they can catch me.

ANTHONY : But you’re already caught, you’re in here.

TURKEY : I’m in here but I’m not caught, caught means prison, not the cell’s at the local nick, and that’s another story altogether.

TURKEY : What were we saying just before that?

ANTHONY : The drugs.

TURKEY : Oh aye, my speciality, the only line of work where you can mix business with pleasure, well that and the pimping.

ANTHONY : So you take them as well?

TURKEY : Well I need to test out the merchandise; my customers will go elsewhere if the product isn’t up to scratch and my pallet is as cultured as anyone’s when it comes to barbiturates.

ANTHONY : Isn’t selling drugs a bit risky?

TURKEY : Only if some stupid fucker decides to stray onto my patch.

ANTHONY : Does that happen much?

TURKEY : You’re asking a lot of fucking questions again.

ANTHONY : Sorry, I don’t mean to pry, I’m just interested.

TURKEY : The answer’s no anyway, they know better.

ANTHONY : Aren’t you worried about the effects of the drugs?

TURKEY : It’s the fucking effects of the drugs that everyone wants; you haven’t got a fucking clue have you?

ANTHONY : No I mean the long-term effects of the drugs.

TURKEY : What birds, money and power?

ANTHONY : I mean the mental side effects like paranoia and depression.

TURKEY : The only fucking depressing thing in here is you, I’m telling you about the life of a gangster and all you’re arsed about is some little puffy side-effects.

ANTHONY : Oh right, sorry cocksucker.


ANTHONY : Err nothing, I just said sorry.


ANTHONY : Yes, why what did you think I said?

TURKEY : It doesn’t fucking matter, but watch your step.

TURKEY : So what the fuck are you in here for?

ANTHONY : I’d rather not say.

TURKEY : And I’d rather not be sharing a cell with some boring cunt who’s hiding things from me.

ANTHONY : I’m not hiding anything I’d just rather not say. Where did you get that cup from?

TURKEY : One of the bizzies brought me a cuppa before you were let in.

ANTHONY : Do you think I could get one?

TURKEY : Fucking no chance, even though we’re on opposite sides the bizzies respect someone of my standing.

ANTHONY : Cocksucker.


ANTHONY : I said I’m parched.


ANTHONY : I never honest, I just said I’m thirsty.


ANTHONY : Honestly I haven’t said anything like that, I wouldn’t dare.

TURKEY : You fucking better not either, In fact you better just shut the fuck up, I’m going to try and get some kip. These pills are getting all weird

ANTHONY : This is what I’m on about with the drug side-effects. People can hear and see things that aren’t happening.

TURKEY : Fuck off, I can handle my drugs, it’s me who makes other people paranoid.

ANTHONY : So have you had a lot of drugs tonight?

TURKEY : Enough to kill an elephant, but that’s fuck all to me.

ANTHONY : Maybe that’s why you think I’m calling you a cocksucker.


ANTHONY : Okay cocksucker.


Turkey jumps up from the bed and tries to attack Anthony. In one deft movement Anthony throws Turkey on his back.

ANTHONY : Cocksucker.

Turkey jumps back onto his feet and tries to attack Anthony again.


This time Anthony floors Turkey with a single punch.

ANTHONY : Stay down or I’ll really hurt you.

Turkey remains on the floor.

TURKEY : I slipped, I’m going to fucking kill you when I get back up.

ANTHONY : Course you are fellatio boy.

TURKEY : Who the fuck are you? Who have you been talking to?

ANTHONY : I’ve already told you, Anthony Hughes. Does the name not ring a bell?

TURKEY : Does it fuck.

ANTHONY : That’ll be all the drugs rotting your brain.

TURKEY : There’s fuck all wrong with my brain but when these pills wear off I’m going to fucking tear you apart.

ANTHONY : Not much chance of that Turkey. Tell me why do they call you Turkey?

TURKEY : Fuck off.

ANTHONY : Why does a big, armed robber, pimping gangster get the moniker Turkey?

TURKEY : Fuck off.

ANTHONY : I’ve heard it’s because you got caught gobbling another lad’s cock at school.

TURKEY : Is it fuck, it’s because I was the first lad at school to get a gobble.

ANTHONY : We both know that’s not true don’t we? Just as we both know you’re not a gangster are you?

TURKEY : I fucking am and you’re fucking dead when I get out of here, you and your family.

ANTHONY : Instead of issuing meaningless threats I’d start to think about what’s going on here if I was you.

TURKEY : What the fuck you on about?

ANTHONY : Think about it Cocksucker. How do I know so much about you and your past? And why are you lying on the floor fucked?

TURKEY : Too many pills, that’s why. Who are you?

ANTHONY : Another side-effect of drugs is that it impairs your memory.

TURKEY : And another one is you’re fucked once these pills wear off.

ANTHONY : You said you could take your drugs.

TURKEY : I can I must’ve had a dodgy one.

ANTHONY : Maybe it wasn’t a pill.

TURKEY : It must be, I can hardly move. Shit this hasn’t happened before, what if I get worse? Fuck, you’re going to have to get the on-duty bizzie.

ANTHONY : That’s the paranoia I told you about.

TURKEY : It’s not fucking paranoia, I can’t move, ring the buzzer.

ANTHONY : Not just yet, there’s plenty time for that isn’t there.

TURKEY : Seriously mate there’s something not right here, I’m

ANTHONY : Aah now we’re getting somewhere.

TURKEY : What the fuck you on about?

ANTHONY : Paralysis: A partial or complete loss of voluntary muscle function; a condition of helpless inactivity.

TURKEY : You’re fucking mad, who are you?

ANTHONY : All will be revealed in due course, now why do you think you’re paralysed?

TURKEY : I’ve told you I can’t move, I must’ve had a dodgy pill.

ANTHONY : Ask yourself this. Why has your paralysis only came on since I was put in the cell?


ANTHONY : Come on Turkey think; how come you didn’t feel like this earlier in the night? I know you’ve been taking drugs since this afternoon because I’ve been following you.

TURKEY : You’ve been fucking following me, why? Who the fuck are you?

ANTHONY : You’re moving away from the point Turkey, what could have brought on your paralysis?

TURKEY : Fuck off, just leave me.

ANTHONY : Okay then ask yourself this. How many times in the past has a policeman given you a cup of tea or coffee?


ANTHONY : Now we’re getting somewhere, and they say the youth of today has no intelligence.


ANTHONY : Ahh so now you’re thinking that I’m involved in this.

TURKEY : Are you?

ANTHONY : Oh yes, most definitely.

TURKEY : What is it? What’ve you spiked me with?

ANTHONY : Don’t worry it’s only incapacitated you but thankfully you’ll still be able to feel things - like pain.

TURKEY : Fuck off you can’t do anything to me in here.

ANTHONY : Why not?

TURKEY : Are you a fucking copper?

ANTHONY : I’m afraid not…. and you should be afraid that I’m not.

TURKEY : Who’s sent you?

ANTHONY : No-one.

TURKEY : Look mate, its err Anthony isn’t it? I don’t know what you’re here for but you’ve got the wrong bloke. All that stuff before was just bollocks, I’m not a gangster I’m just a normal kid. I was just trying to impress you.

ANTHONY : But you said you were going to kill me and me family, how would that impress me?

TURKEY : I didn’t mean it though; I was scared.

ANTHONY : Scared and paralysed, not a nice combination is it?

TURKEY : No, look please help me.

ANTHONY : HELP YOU! My, my, now we have come full circle.

TURKEY : What do you mean?

ANTHONY : You’re lying here helpless, scared and paralysed, hoping to be saved from this nightmare that’s engulfed you.

TURKEY : Please mate, help me.

Anthony walks over and kicks Turkey in the face.

TURKEY : Aarghh, stop, please stop.

ANTHONY : Is this ringing any bells yet Turkey?

TURKEY : What’s going on please tell me, I don’t know what I’ve done?

ANTHONY : That’s the problem Turkey, you and your friend Daz don’t even know what you’ve done.

TURKEY : Daz, where’s he?

ANTHONY : He’s shall we say ‘sleeping’, that’s why he couldn’t hear you shouting.

TURKEY : Asleep? What have you done to him? This is a fucking police station you’ll never get away with it.

ANTHONY : ‘Getting away with it.’ I imagine that’s a very common phrase for scum like you.

TURKEY : Look just leave me and I’ll not tell anyone, I promise.

ANTHONY : What do you consider to be ‘getting away with it?’ One year in a youth detention centre maybe?

Anthony kicks Turkey in the balls.

ANTHONY : A driving ban and one poxy year in a youth detention centre in return for taking the life of a beautiful young girl. IS THAT FUCKING GETTING AWAY WITH IT?

Anthony leans down and lifts Turkey’s head by the scruff of his neck.


TURKEY : Shit, you’re the dad aren’t you? You’re the bloke who’s daughter it was. Look mate, it wasn’t me driving it was Daz, I tried to stop him but I couldn’t… please don’t.

ANTHONY : Was it Daz who chose to pull her body to the side of the road, rob her and then drive off?

TURKEY : Yes, it was Daz, all of it. He made me.

ANTHONY : Did Daz make you drink and take drugs and steal the car?

TURKEY : Yes he threatened me.

Anthony slams Turkey’s face into the floor.

ANTHONY : That’s exactly what Daz said. So now let’s look at the facts.

TURKEY : Please… don’t.

ANTHONY : I’m locked in a police station cell with one of the murderers of my daughter.

TURKEY : I’m sorry.

ANTHONY : Some of my brothers’ incensed ex-colleagues, he’s retired from the force now, have gone to great lengths to ensure that they’re all on shift together when you and your friend have
been arrested.

TURKEY : Please, I’m begging you.

ANTHONY : They have also aided and abetted me in drugging you and even provided me with this.

Anthony pulls a large knife from the back of his trousers.


ANTHONY : Recognise this Turkey? This is the knife my friends planted on you to facilitate your arrest. Now what would happen if you had two knives and the police only found one on you? That would mean that you still had a knife in the cells.

TURKEY : I’ll do anything man, please stop, I’ll say anything. I’ll tell the courts that Daz done it on purpose.

ANTHONY : And what would happen if you and Daz were placed in the same cell, with one knife? Can you see where this is going cocksucker?

TURKEY : Fuck I’ll do it for you; I’ll kill him for you man, just let me go. Please.

ANTHONY :You kill him? No need for that Turkey, that pleasure was all mine, after all you said he was the driver.

TURKEY : FUCK DAZ’S DEAD! Shit man please don’t kill me. If you let me go I won’t say anything honest. Bring him in here and I’ll take the blame. I promise I won’t grass.


Anthony leans down and plunges the knife into Turkey’s neck. As Turkey screams the plastic toy knife retracts on it’s internal spring. Turkey lies sobbing on floor in a pool of urine.

ANTHONY : You worthless little cunt. Not such a big gangster now are you? At least your mate didn’t piss his pants.

TURKEY : I’m sorry; please I didn’t mean to kill her. I didn’t know she was your daughter.

ANTHONY : That’s the thing Turkey, she fucking wasn’t my daughter, but if she was the knife would’ve been real.

Anthony walks over to the cell door and presses the buzzer.


The cell door opens and Jimmy, the policeman from earlier, enters.

JIMMY : How’d it go mate? I take it he never recognised you out of uniform?

ANTHONY : Nah did he fuck but as expected the cunt shit himself, I still wish we could have done it for real though.

JIMMY : Well we’ve still got the bet going; first one to be diagnosed with a terminal disease goes all vigilante.

ANTHONY : Yeah every cloud has a silver lining and all that.

JIMMY : Aye that’s right. Go and get your uniform back on and I’ll make us a brew, then we can watch it back on tape before we wipe them.

Jimmy and Anthony leave the cell, lock the door behind them and turn the lights

(c) Fasthands 2007 - Remember my solicitor's watching!!!

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