Hong Kong and Phooey.

I’ve been away for a week but it seems that nowt’s changed.

First things first though – Hong Kong was fucking magnificent!

Highlights included :-

1. Eating Dim Sum on the worlds biggest floating restaurant and not throwing up.
2. Riding round Aberdeen harbour (no not that one) on a sampan driven by a wizened old Chinese bloke who didn’t speak English and used his foot to steer.
3. Having high tea at the oldest colonial hotel (The Peninsula) in Hong Kong.
4. Drinking very expensive Martini’s in the lounge of another very impressive hotel with the best view you can get of the HK skyline at night
5. Visiting the famous ‘Big Buddha’ (no not Jade Goody) and then riding the worlds highest, longest and scariest cable car back down the mountain.
6. Eating what was alleged to be a vegetarian chinese meal, not knowing what it was and still not finding out to this day – tasted a bit meaty to me like...
7. Going to Happy Valley Racecourse at night and mingling (and drinking with..) all the locals. Somehow making friends with a group of middle-aged chinese women who couldn’t speak English but still mocked all my horse choices – I did pick two winners though!
8. Inventing a new insult* based on a real place in the Hong Kong area.

Whilst I was there I noticed on the BBC world news that our Euro masters had decreed that the Irish people had to vote again on the Lisbon treaty as they had the cheek to not want to be run from Brussels (well any more than they actually are). It used to be said that if voting changed anything they’d abolish it – well now that seems to be the case.

It turns out that where the euro lobby are concerned that you either don’t get to vote (us for example) or if you do you’re not allowed to vote ‘No’ – didn’t Hitler have the same tactics? Just a thought.

Oh, one other thing, I’ve got a story appearing in the new issue of ‘True Faith’ which is out this Friday entitled ‘Daddy’s Gone’ – it’s a first for me in that I wrote it to order. They wanted stuff that was short (1000 words), Geordie related, involved Newcastle United in some way and was a bit gritty.

Right up my street really.

See you later

* my new insult accurately describes all MP’s and MEP’s really – they’re all a bunch of Mong Kok’s

Dim Scum

There’s a lot happened this week.

For instance a member of the opposition party in a country where the man in charge wasn’t elected by the population is arrested for bringing to light the failings of the home office (that’s our country I’m talking about by the way!). Interestingly the force that carried out the arrest is run by a man vying for the top police job in the country - who gets that job will be decided by the home secretary – the unelected Prime Minister’s mate and the person most under fire for the failings of the Home Office. Just to close the circle a junior civil servant has now been nicked for passing the memo’s – which weren’t covered under the official secrets incidentally - to the opposition official. Expect a suicide note and a corpse a la` Dr David Kelly any day now….oh and a request from Robert Mugabe for a masterclass from our glorious leaders in how to run a police state dictatorship.

The spineless, amoral, wankers that run Haringey Council, particularly their child care department, have ‘resigned’ and been ‘sacked’. The two who resigned – their names escape me, luckily for them – hung onto their jobs for as long as they possibly could with not a thought that a baby (well only one that we know of and of course poor Victoria Climbie a few years ago) died because of their incompetence. When the inquiry laid it squarely at their door they suddenly decided that the death of Baby P left their positions untenable and they couldn’t go on.

Fuck off you horrible, selfish, ignorant cunts – you displayed all the survival instincts of a corrupt politician in hanging on for dear life before finally being pushed by Ed Balls in order to deflect any criticism from him – I hope you never work again you incompetent twats.

Oh and the one who got ‘sacked’ was the one that went on the telly looking serious and saying that ‘people have had written warnings’ so it was all right – bucket faced cow! She hasn’t even been sacked – she’s suspended on full pay before she gets her massive fucking payoff – I’m sure the council tax payers of Haringey are well pleased about that.

Finally...I’m going to Hong Kong on Friday – Woohooo - so while you're all trudging round the shops in the snow arguing with your other halves I'll be lying by my rooftop pool, drinking Mai Tai's and eating Dim Sum, it's a hard life.

See ya.

Reality Bites...

Ooh how good is ‘Spooks’ these days? I think the new series has been great and I’m worried about Harry for the last two episodes.

Now if a proper cynic like my good self can get into a program like that then I think it’s a credit to the actors, writers and everyone else involved. However it also shows up the rest of the shite on television these days for what it really is – cheap, lowest common denominator bollocks.

‘Reality’ shows in particular cheese me right off. In the main they’re just this centuries equivalent of putting the village idiot in the stocks and laughing at him, well with the exception of one. ‘The Restaurant’, in my not so humble opinion was class and involved real people actually working for something they’d always dreamt of instead of fat, tracksuited oafs screeching at a camera in a vain attempt to convince themselves and the nation that their worthless lives actually mean something.

‘But Simon..sniff…it’s my dream…always has been…sniff’

‘You’re not good enough – get out…I’m Mr. Nasty me…’

‘But…sob…ever since I was a little girl I wanted to be a singer…it’s all I’ve ever wanted…’

At this point I would like to step onto the set and ask the spotty, ugly charva the following questions :-

So Fatty – you say you’ve always wanted to be a singer and it’s your dream?

‘yes…sniff…’

And with this in mind have you ever taken any singing lessons?

‘…no…sob…me mam couldn’t afford them…’

Did you think of getting a paper round or part time job to pay for them?

‘…sniff…no…’

What about working in the clubs as a singer and honing your act?

‘…sob….but I go out on a Saturday night so I couldn’t do that and anyway I practice down The Hare and Hounds on a Friday at karaoke night..sniff’

So what you’re saying is that in your youth you couldn’t be bothered to get off your lazy fat arse and do some graft to pay for singing lessons or stage school and even now you can’t be bothered to do any kind of work towards your ‘dream’. Instead you just want to be plucked from obscurity, magically made good looking and catapulted to instant stardom and a life of luxury through the virtue of being able to scream ‘I will always love you’ to a pub full of old soaks and lesbian darts teams louder than anyone else on a Friday night?

‘…sob…sob but it’s me dream…’

Well in that case I suggest you downgrade your ‘dream’ career to something you have more experience of and an obvious aptitude for – start practicing this phrase luv ...‘Do you want fries with that?’

Now fuck off from my screen and let’s have an extended edition of Dr. Who on.

Who yee calling a Radge?

Woohoo – I’m officially published again!

I received Byker Books inaugaral publication the other day – the seminally titled ‘Radgepacket’ and frankly, it’s fucking class.

Proper stories about proper people doing proper things – about time an all.

Anyway, I’ve stuck a pic up of the front cover (which is a class act in itself!) and if you’re interested in reading it for yourself/giving it to someone as a stocking filler then head over to the Byker Books site as they’ve got all the details on there (it’s cheap an all mind!).

Byker Books

Oooh I got invited to claim my money back from the thieving eskimo bastards that had kept hold of it for the last couple of months this week as well – theoretically I should be off the breadline again come this time next week – happy days.

All in all a canny week – toodle pip.

Scum.

I’m normally a bit chirpy. It normally takes a lot to get me down. Sometimes I just pretend to be in one so I can entertain you lot. Not today.

I’ve got every reason to be in a good mood this week and I was going to tell you about it today but that changed at about ten pm last night.

That was when I watched a horrific news item about a baby tortured to death in Britain. I won’t go into the details of it as it still upsets me now. Suffice to say the three people responsible (unbelieveably the child’s mother was one of them) will hopefully live lives full of fear and be the recipients of beatings, abuse and torture themselves every day for the rest of their miserable stay on this planet. Cunts.

No, my thoughts today are with Haringey social services and their failure. The child was on the protection register, he was visited numerous times by social workers and medical people. Every time his injuries were missed – they were some fucking BIG injuries! His clothes actually had his own dried and aged blood on them for fucks sake.

Haringey are the same mob who missed all the stuff happening to poor Victoria Climbie a few years back and after that they had an inquiry and promised they’d changed all their procedures…it would never happen again…children come first…blah blah blah.

Their spokeswoman last night informed the nation with a grave face that ‘written warnings’ had been given out but ‘there is not enough proof to sack people’.

How much proof do they fucking need? In fact bollocks to proof, the people in charge at that place would resign if they were any kind of human beings. Instead they cling onto their jobs and accept no responsibility for their failure to keep a child alive.

The people who did it were scum – the people who allowed this to happen again and then hid behind their mountain of ‘inconclusive’ reports aren’t far behind.

This country’s fucked.

Reasons to be cheerful...1...2...3

I'm all fit and healthy again after a very annoying year full of niggling injuries, Russell Brand has been found out for being an unfunny, abusive prick who is the living epitome of 'Emperors New Clothes' syndrome (see also Little Britain and Chris Moyles), Newcastle finally won another game and are out of the bottom three - Liverpool will be shitting theirselves now, My story 'Blagger' is soon to be featured in 'Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities' alongside an exclusive by Danny King, It's nearly Christmas, I'm off to Poole for the weekend tomorrow, Petrol prices are coming down, I've never met Brian sewell and...best of all...SPOOKS IS BACK!!!!!!

Get in.

I wonder why he's the greatest dancer...

Firstly apologies to everyone who noticed I had a new post but couldn't access it - this is because computers are the spawn of satan and hate me - no other reason.

Now, on with the nonsense. There's some canny stuff happening at the minute. Byker Books debut publication ‘Radgepacket – Tales from the Inner Cities’ is apparently going to be on sale via their website from the middle of next month and, not only am I going to be in it but they’ve made me the first story which obviously means I’m the best!

Anyway, here’s a link so you can read the blurb they're putting out with it.

Radgepacket - Tales from the Inner Cities


I was in Exmouth at the weekend (I didn’t realise the South had nice bits) and went clubbing at 'The Q Club' it was a bit charva-like but, just so you know, I’m still the best dancer like.

On an unrelated note I noticed Cabinet Ministers Ed Balls and his partner/wife/accomplice Yvette Cooper were cleared of any mispropriety by the Commons Standards Committee in relation to the expenses they claim on their various houses.

Obviously as they have been cleared of any wrongdoing by their fellow politicians who are also doing the same thing and would rather it could all be swept under the carpet then they are whiter than white aren’t they?

This country’s fucked.

Blood and Blunders...

You’re probably wondering why I haven’t posted for a few weeks? Well there’s a simple answer to that – I’m a lazy bastard!

Nah, only kidding…well actually I’m not, I am a lazy bastard…but I do have mitigating circumstances.

I managed to somehow slash three of my fingers whilst using a chainsaw in a manly fashion*, resulting in claret gushing everywhere and lots of gauze, bandages and surrogate stitches (plastic strip things). All of this didn’t actually physically stop me from typing but it put me off enough to stop me doing it.

Obviously as a hard northern bastard I still went out on the drink at my nephews Eighteenth birthday party the same night though, hey – you’ve gotta have priorities right?

Anyway, not posting anything has given me the chance to re-appraise the situation at Newcastle United and take a cool, detached and methodical view of it all.

My conclusion is still that Denis Wise is the devil incarnate, Mike Ashley is a bumbling fat fool with a ‘please like me’ complex and Derek Llambias, the anonymous chairman, is a dick of the highest order who wears ridiculous glasses in an attempt to look Mike Read his cockney idol.

That’s them telt.

Oh, I went to see Paddy McGuiness last night and he was as filthy, rude and funny as usual. His support act, whose name I forget, was very good as well and told us all what to do when confronted with those knobs who smoke on buses. I shan’t go into detail, suffice to say I’d never heard the term passive wanking before!

I’ll leave you with that – have a good one.

Ps – Just heard about Joe Kinnear (aka Mate of the goggle eyed, cock sucking, taxi driver assaulting dwarf) taking over the toon on an interim basis – fuck me I’m depressed…

* it wasn’t a chainsaw it was a tin but don’t tell anyone I’m trying to build up a hardman rep….

North East...enders.

I would just like to put to bed the scurrilous rumours that Newcastle United are to be renamed Walford FC, the catering staff will only be serving Jellied eels from now on, the team will be running out to ‘knees up Mother Brown’ and that Shearers Bar will be re-named ‘The Queen Vic’.

This is obviously nonsense…everyone knows that the caterers will also be doing Pie and Mash…

Good luck to all the protesters, shouters, boycotters and heed the balls in Newcastle tomorrow – let that fat cunt and his evil little sidekick know exactly what you think of them.

Ps – Of course I wouldn’t for one second advocate violence or lawless behaviour on the aforementioned obese one and his cock sucking dwarf buddy but if it happens then rest assured I’ll be the first one to piss my self laughing!

Conspiracy Corner...

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Cockney Rejects....

*Sigh*

I’m having a shite week. Another rejection from an agent, my job’s crap and, worst of all, my hero has been driven from my club by a pack of cowardly, power hungry, not fit to lace his boots, cockney* Cunts!!

I’ve written a quick article about it for Players Inc (as seen on the BBC 1 Ten O Clock news Thursday 4th Sept) and attached it below.

He’s a dwarf a dwarf….

Mike Ashley has done a lot of good stuff since he took over at Newcastle United. Long term season tickets payable in installments, extended family section, consultation with fans, the singing section and even letting flags into games again. Yes, Mike Ashley has done a lot of good things since he took over.

On Thursday 4th September he wiped out every bit of goodwill he’d built up in one stroke when he chose his friend Dennis Wise over the one man in his whole setup that actually cares about Newcastle United – Kevin Keegan.

This allegedly astute businessman managed to lose an entire city of paying customers for all of his businesses in one go.

In truth this had been building for a while. Since Chris Mort left, the communication emanating from the club has been non-existent but Keegans body language and general patter weren’t right and we’d all started to notice.

He stated unequivocally that ‘James Milner is the last person I would like to see leave this club’ and a few days later Milner was gone with Kev saying ‘It was my decision.’

It patently wasn’t but Wor Kev seemed upbeat, telling us all ’Judge me when the transfer window shuts.’ I was happy at that because I knew that Kev meant there was quality players coming in and he’d never let us down before on that score – unfortunately we were all unaware that he wasn’t in charge of acquiring them anymore, the buying and selling is down to Dennis Wise.

It is blatantly obvious that Keegan had been promised a player better than James Milner by the ‘recruitment team’ (Bastian Schweinsteiger apparently ) and come Monday night when the window slammed shut it was also obvious that they’d lied to him.

With all due respect to the two players brought in they weren’t what the manager wanted, a forward to go with the five we already have and a twenty six year old midfielder who was loaned out to us immediately after signing for his new club – how good is he going to be then?

Unlike the rest of the miscreants that make up the mamangement of Newcastle United Kevin Keegan is a man of principle and honour and there is no way he can allow himself to be used to lie to the fans so Llambias and his cockney posse can pursue their own hidden agenda.

Indeed Derek Llambias, ex casino manager and good mate of Mike Ashley (the only qualification needed for a top job at the toon these days) was seen at the Arsenal match entertaining David O Leary – now one of the favourites to replace Wor Kev. if I was to suggest there was a conspiracy by the cockney boys to push out Keegan and install their own puppet then that would obviously only be my opinion – bears thinking about though doesn’t it?

Unfortunately for Dennis Wise (could there be a less apt surname?), Llambias and the other one (what the fuck is his name??) they’ve made a major mistake if they think they can treat Kevin Keegan with contempt and patronise both him and us, dismissing the fanbase as insignificant.

The entire city is up in arms at the disgraceful treatment of our club and of Keegan and, for once, there are moves afoot to do something about it. I’ve heard talk of match boycotts, mass protests and general awkward behaviour not just in and out of St. James but also within Ashley’s other businesses. This will hit him where it really hurts his type – in the pocket – and it will also put him squarely in the media spotlight a position he doesn’t relish one bit.

Apparently there is an indian consortium looking to buy the Toon, if Ashley has any sense he will sell up and ship out back to jellied eel land, unfortunately, as he proved when backing the odious little cockney dwarf over Keegan, he obviously doesn’t have any.

This could get interesting.

Howay the lads


Here’s a question though :-

If Ashley was so anxious to get rid of Barton for the ‘shame’ he brought to Newcastle then how come he is so ready to defend the poisonous little arsehole that is Dennis Wise?

Lest we forget Dennis has ‘form’ for attacking taxi drivers and setting about a team mate and breaking his jaw during training (how come the the tabloid journalists haven’t made that connection yet? Oh hold on Dennis is from London isn’t he…)

Any man that chooses Dennis Wise over Kevin keegan is obviously a clueless twat and therefore does not deserve my support.

GET OUT ASHLEY – TAKE WISE AND LLAMBIAS WITH YOU AND PISS OFF BACK TO YOUR JELLIED EELS AND YOUR BARROW YOU BUNCH OF COCKNEY WANKERS.*


* Sorry Tel…

Arsenal - Up the Bummers...

Bit bored with this now like.

At the weekend Mike Ashley was spoken to by the police for committing the heinous crime of drinking a pint. Apparently someone complained – what type of sad, whinging, spotty virgin moans to the bizzies when his team is already three nil up and cruising to victory. What kind of sad, unfulfilled, frustrating life must this cunt lead that makes him derive satisfaction from crying to the law that someone is trying to drown his sorrows. Fucking Arsehole.

Mick Dennis of The Express has also continued his one man sniping crusade against Newcastle when he commented on the incident. For those of you who don’t know Mr Dennis has been slagging off Keegan non-stop since his arrival back at the Toon but as we’ve made a decent start he’s been strangely quiet, only crawling out from under his stone to mention this.

Joey Barton (again), comes on and gets booed by the whole middle class Arsenal set. The same Arsenal mob who consider Tony Adams a legend – that’s the Tony Adams who went to jail for drink driving and put his car through someone’s garden wall when pissed. Still that’s alright isn’t it – he’s a London based player.

Joey then makes a legitimate tackle which results in him being targeted by the whole Arsenal team until one of them (Samir Nasri) boots him from behind (a tactic used by countless frenchmen over the years I understand – soft cunts!). You’d think the sporting press, particularly in the light of the new ‘respect’ campaign would make something of this – oh hold on though, Nasri plays for a London team doesn’t he and those nasty oiks from up North deserve everything they get.

Not that I’m narked or anything like…

Ps and Arsenal played like fucking Brazil that’s not fair either…

Taxing questions...

How was your bank holiday then? I hurt my back at the weekend (it hurts loads but I’m from Byker and therefore hard as nails so I don’t say nowt…) but unfortunately due to various staffing issues I’ve had to come to work this week rather than resting it so I’m in a right mood…

With that in mind I’m going to keep this brief (gotta do me stretches like don’t ask…) and ask just one question.

As Labour ministers are calling for a ‘windfall tax’ on the energy firms, the rationale being that they’re making a fortune through increased prices, in order to spend the said tax on ‘helping those in fuel poverty’.

Will they also be calling for the same tax on the government who are making an absolute fortune through fuel tax (the highest in Europe I believe – do we get any benefit from being in the EU?) in order to assist those who are struggling with big price rises on everything caused by the price of petrol and diesel?

Or, as I suspect will happen, will they keep quiet about that and just put their expenses claims in as normal and live the good life whilst we all struggle to heat our homes, drive our cars and put food on the table?

Don’t even know why I’m asking actually – they’re all a bunch of self serving, greedy, hypocritical fuckers with more in common with the grasping, everyone else will pay for me, chav class than they care to realise.

Bunch of arse all of ‘em.

Last night a DJ saved my life...

Right, forgive me but I’m about to go off on one now.

Loads of important world events happened on Monday/ Tuesday, for instance :-

• The Pakistani president resigned – a worrying development where terrorism is concerned
• Our Olympians accrued loads more medals
• The Russians were leaving Georgia and then they weren’t then they were again – implications for world peace/war are massive
• Our economy is still fucked and people are at the point of existing rather than living

With this in mind what do you think the lead story on some downmarket, super soaraway, tabloids and, more to the point, our national radio station was?

I’ll tell you.

‘Jade Goody has cancer’

What?

‘You know man Jade Goody, ignorant, illiterate, racist embarrassment to our whole nation, famous only for being stupid and getting her fanny out on television.’

‘Oh her – why’s her doctor told everyone then? Surely that’s something you’d keep private?’

‘Well her doctor didn’t tell her. She was informed she had it whilst in the diary room of the Indian version of Big Brother by her agent who then told the tabloids’.

‘Oh fuck off.’

Now If Ms goody has cancer then she has my sympathy. I know people who’ve beaten it, people who still have it and sadly I’ve known people who couldn’t fight it. None of them made the news on a radio station that I am forced to pay for and they were/are all ten times better people than she is but that’s not my point.

Why on earth would it be headline news all fucking day? Is there nothing else worthy of being the main headline on a national radio station in a supposedly civilised, first world country? Has the national IQ been so dumbed down that the wellbeing of an anonymous wannabe is crucial to our morale?

This country’s fucked and frankly, it’s the media that’s providing the KY Jelly!

Ps – as well as that I also had to endure Chris Moyles doing his ‘hilarious’ Geordie impersonation again yesterday, it was almost as funny as the time he was on ‘Never mind the Buzzocks’ and stayed very quiet when confronted with real funny people. I recall him crying to the papers afterwards that they’d picked on him.

Just like school Chris eh? It’s always the fat, ugly prick that gets bullied…

PPs - Some fucker's getting it today like....

The Club Men Chronicles

Morning All,

Nowt to report today - so I thought I'd treat you to this little known gem.

On the Byker Books site I noticed this feature which has been added with no fanfare or drum roll so I thought I'd shout about it as it's funny.

The Club Men Chronicles

There are certain characters in there that remind me of certain people I know but I'm saying nowt.

Give it a look anyway.

Have a good weekend

FH

Back in...

What day is it?

Thursday?

Yeh I feel better now – only took me five days to get over something that lasted for three. Still, least said about Prague the better, mind, you know what they say.

‘What goes on tour …..ends up on Facebook!’

Anyway, I came back to find out that one of my stories, that I’d won a competition on Byker Books with, had been published in top Newcastle fanzine True Faith and I’m now famous amongst the toon faithful.

One eagle eyed associate of mine pointed out that he’d read the said story on my website already but hey, that’s life eh?

Anyway, nowt else on the writing front, I got a three round hiding on my return to the gym last night but did rally for long enough to get some telling blows in during a toe to toe exchange (never underestimate the speed of my hands..) and I’ve got some new books to read by David Peace that aren’t even out yet!.

Adieu

FH

Prague...Prague...Prague...Prague

Right then, couple of bits today.

I'm off to Prague on a big boys beano tomorrow - I've heard they have lovely architecture, wonderful Art Galleries and super museums, I absolutely guarantee I won't see any of them.

Tried out my new gumshield last night during an intense five round beating - I'm happy to report that none of my teeth burst through my lips or cheeks so well done to the Tooth Factory in the toon for that - I'm also pleased to report that my opponent, a filthy old school slugger, suffered severe bruising...to his knuckles - that'll teach him.

No writing news other than one of my stories (Blagger) is going to feature in the debut anthology from 'Byker Books' sometime in November - I'll let you know when so you can buy a copy and I'll sign it for you. Then when I'm a multi billionaire celebrity author you can claim to the News of The World that I slept with you and make yourself fifty grand - everyone's a winner.

Have I mentioned I'm going to Prague in a minute?

Have a good un.

Ps - Did you notice I didn't swear today? Soon put that right - FUCK!

'Dick' Barton - not so special agent...

Right, I’ve had enough of this Joey Barton shite now. A couple of points I'd like to make:-

1. Purposely looking for the fuckwittest looking fuckwit in a Newcastle top and getting him to say what you want about Joey Barton whilst presenting that as the voice of every geordie is not actually good reporting practice in my opinion.

2. I don’t recall the media getting so worked up about convicted drink driver Tony Adams and his spell inside, or Eric ‘Bruce Lee’ Cantona or Ben ‘Forearm smash’ Thatcher or John ‘Yes I did glass that bouncer a few years back’ Terry or the hundreds of other footballers who kick off up and down the land every weekend. I wonder why that is?

3. Four England rugby players were accused of rape and sexual assault a few months back. The English media devoted a whole day to it and then shut up. If it had been four England footballers then whole rainforests would have been chopped down so journalists could occupy the moral high ground. If it had been four Newcastle players then certain journalists would have self combusted their indignation would have been so great.

4. Speaking of Journalists – how many of them have ever been convicted of offences but now stand in judgement on Barton? Alan Brazil for instance, chief moral crusader on Talkshite radio has been done for drink driving. What gives him the right to become judge and jury on anyone else?

5. In which other industry would a business be expected to just give away a six million pound asset to one of it’s competitors just because that particular asset is flawed (and shit – no I’m not a fan of his!).

6. Why didn’t the media demand Bartons expulsion from Manchester City when the offence originally occurred?

7. Why is all this Keegans fault when it was actually Big Fat Sham who lashed the cash on the scouse dickhead – a fact no-one in the media seems keen to bring up?

8. and finally, am I the only one who thinks that, yes Barton is a wanker but all he did was have a fight on the training ground – something that happens every day at every club – did anyone die? Did the world stop turning? Was it Joey who killed Diana?

I think a lot of journalists need to get a fucking grip and I will be watching the ‘Wayne Rooney spat on a nightclub bouncer’ story with interest.

Ps – I’m off to Prague at the weekend – cannit fucking wait, I hope I see a reporter there…

Writing News...

Right then, some good stuff going on.

I’ve finished my play – did I mention I was writing a play? No? Well I obviously don’t tell you everything do I.

You can get a look at a portion of it here :- My Website

I’m sending it to the Live Theatre in the toon so they can run their beady eyes over it and then tell me I’m shit – I’ll let you know how that goes.

Also, and this is the good bit, I’ve had a story accepted for publication in a short fiction anthology that Byker Books are bringing out round about November – woo hoo.

As usual nee cash involved but I’ll get a copy of the book to bore everyone with and, as the author Danny King is also going to be in it, a bit of exposure.

So all looking promising on the good ship fasthands – you have a good weekend now.


Ps – Just heard I’m getting my new, made-to-measure, gumshield through the post in the next few days. That’ll be handy next weekend when I’m on a big boys beano in Prague….

Everything is Average nowadays - part 8

The News of The World for digging out Max Mosley because he had a nazi orgy with a load of Prossies – leave him alone man we’ve all done it; Kids on their school holidays making loads of noise up and down your street when you’re trying to get to sleep – the little fuckers should all be on a curfew on pain of death; People who don’t keep up with fashion and diss your new Lyle & Scott top; Bosses who hang onto their jobs by a fingernail when it’s obvious they’re fucked – show some pride you spineless twats; Publishers who employ women readers for profanity riddled mens books and then don’t understand that the target audience might see it a little differently – nobs; Chris Moyles, no particular reason I just hate the fat cunt; Students (obviously); Wankers who feel the need to rev up their mopeds at half six in the morning in their back garden two down from yours – that’ll end in tears; All coppers who arrest people for defending themselves – cocks; Politicians in this country – all shit, all in it for the money, all irrelevant to public life now we’re run from Brussels; People who leave big bits of Carbon Fibre sticking out of shelves in the warehouse you work in so you can walk into them and pierce the skin on your forehead resulting in much pain and blood – utter, utter cunts.

I hope they all fall down on a gravel pit and skin their knees – bastards.

It's good to be back, good to be back....

So I’m back in the land of living dead (Banbury!) and life is going on as normal. My birthday was good, plenty of drink involved, loads of spraffing with the siblings and a manc who tried to surfboard on a pub table resulting in a spilled pint of Cider and Black belonging to an irate fat bird.

I’m now officially ‘The Don’ and as a result will be speaking with marbles in my mouth at all times as well as being wise about anything and everything – hold on, I already do that.

I’ve had a sniff of publication of ‘I’m Rivelino’ through ‘Byker Books’ who have a sales plan that won’t involve me hitting the top of the bestseller charts but might get me a couple of pints and a kebab. Most importantly though I’ll finally be in print and have something to show for my efforts as well as a springboard to kick on from.

Anyway, I’m off – see you later.

ps - my boss has been 'transferred' with immediate effect. Officially, he's still my boss, unofficially he's already cleared his desk...

I WON YOU CUNT!!!!! HA

Bits n bobs...

It’s my birthday on Saturday, as a result I shall be travelling up to Geordieland tonight to refresh my spirit and cleanse my soul of all things southern. I’m guessing that as I cross the River Tyne back into Gods own country and the influence of the south recedes my IQ will rise back to previous levels and important bits of me will double in size to their previous dimensions…..

Right that should have offended enough of my readers. Writing wise not much on so I’ll just leave that.

Other news, a bloke recently got arrested for chasing a mob of who were throwing rocks through his windows. His crime? He was waving a bit of wood about in order to defend himself against the gang of feral shitheads.

Another bloke, who is disabled, was recently arrested after getting a burglar in a headlock after the said burglar had punched him first.

This country’s fucked.

Anyway, fuck that the revolution won’t be long now. Have a good un – I’m going to!!

Ps - I'm the godfather this weekend - Don Fasthands.....that means you all have to kiss my ring...!

Observations...

Just some general bits and pieces today.

I notice that Gordon Brown, the unelected puppet that our euro masters chose to run our country, is in the North East today. Presumably he arrived by air as Newcastle and it's suburbs (Sunderland, Middlesbrough etc.) aren't considered important enough to merit a three lane motorway to connect them to the rest of the country. Still as long as there's enough public money to let London host it's olympics and to keep mp's in the manner to which they've been accustomed then we'll be okay.

I had a little chuckle to myself when the Scottish tennis player crashed and burned at Wimbledon - obviously if he'd won he'd have been British....

Ooh, on the subject of taxpayers money, apparently as part of the ongoing investigation into MP's and the way they fiddle their expenses, there's a proposal to give them all free cars!!!!! Brilliant, they might realise just how much petrol costs then.....oh hold on, that'll still be on expenses won't it.

Having finished my third book recently I have now turned my attention to finishing the play I started writing some years ago (fuck off I've been busy alright...)and then sending it to the Live Theatre in Newcastle for assessment - I'll let you know how I get on.

That's it for now kids - see you later.

FH

Success at last...well sort of.

Big News....well after a fashion anway.

I've won a prize in a a competition run by Byker Books. My story 'The Invisible Man' has scooped a free book from them by the inimitable Danny King - which is a good thing.

Further to this though, through their link up with Newcastle Fanzine 'True Faith', I'm going to also see the story published in there for the first issue of the new football season!!

Vast amounts of exposure to Newcastle fans just as I've finished writing a book about my exploits following the Mags.

It's a sign I tell you, a sign....

Separated at Birth?? Part 2

Following on from my successful comparison of Tony Blair and Graeme Souness (aye it was a while back I know) I'd like to present you with more compelling evidence that two well known dipshits are in fact one and the same person.

Ladies and Gentlemen I give you Gordon Brown and Robert Mugabe!

Ridiculous? Let’s look at the facts shall we….

• Both have ruined the economy of their various countries
• Both have seen prices spiral out of control to the point where ordinary people are struggling badly
• Both are out of touch with the wishes of their citizens
• Both preside over governments that are rumoured to be rife with corruption.
• Both employ ministers that make sure they’re alright while everyone else suffers in a country racked by crime and violence
• Neither of them have been elected to their position

I rest my case…

ps - While you're following government advice not to have a payrise over two percent even though prices are going through the roof for everything and people will almost certainly freeze/starve to death this winter, they're happily awarding themselves another forty grand a year. Nice work if you can get it eh?

They're all scum.

No, no, no, no, no, no ,no Yes…

I never tire of slagging off politicians – which is lucky because they’re always doing things I don’t like!

For instance, this week the Irish people voted against the EU treaty (you know the one that our unelected prime minister was meant to give us a referendum on as it was in his party’s manifesto during the last election) and that should have been that.

The rules of that particular piece of european nonsense state that if the treaty is not ratified by every member state then it is unworkable and, to all intents and purposes, dead.

So did our euro masters take their snouts from the trough long enough to follow their own rules and leave us with a little bit of self governance?

Did they fuck – the Irish premier has been told to go away and turn the no into a yes so they can all continue on the gravy train and we can have a european army as well as a european president running our country. Expect the Irish to be having another referendum sometime soon after they’ve been offered a load of incentives to say yes.

Have any of the euro states spoken up in favour of the Irish? Well the Czech’s did (and fair play to them) but our own PM – the unelected, out of touch and deeply unlikeable Gordon Brown, had his tongue up the arse of the French and Germans quicker than you can say ‘I think I’ll put taxes up on petrol’.

Politicians - they’re all scum.

Have a good weekend.

Ps – Tom Harris – Transport Minister and Labour MP for Glasgow South …thinks we’re all whining and we’ve never had it so good – I’m guessing he gets his petrol on ‘expenses’. Make sure you bear it in mind come election time.

PPs – The small ‘e’ in european was deliberate – I’m good at spelling me – I don’t officially recognise them as having owt to do with me so fuck them.

PPPs – you can’t beat a small ‘e’...!!

Miscellaneous nonsense

Not much going on at the minute really. If you’re interested in motorsport (which I’m not ironically) then the firm I work for are competing in the World Rally Championship in Turkey this weekend as well as running a racing team at Le Mans 24 hour race tomorrow.

Just thought I’d mention it really…don’t really give a fuck meself.

Book wise – I can sum up what’s happening in three words…..Absolutely fucking nowt!

I’m undecided whether to start plotting a new fiction book or scribble some bits for a new non fiction book I’m thinking of writing with a view to selling parts of it as articles to the various lads mags.

I was gonna call it ‘The Fasthands Theory – Blood, sweat and beers’ and it’ll be about me learning to box – what do you reckon?

That apart I’m going out tomorrow on a twelve hour pass so that’ll be messy – I understand my ‘friends in the north’ are doing the same so I’ll be there in spirit – texting abuse all day!

Anyway, that’s it, have a good one and as ever, if owt happens you’ll know first.

FH

Ps – even though I don’t care about motorsport I am narked that the driveshaft’s fucked on my car – cheers God!

Busy, Busy, Busy

I know, I know, It’s been a while and I’m sorry. Loads of stuff has been going on and frankly I’m knackered.

Anyway there’s been far too much news for me to comment on, suffice to say that politicians resisting all attempts to have some form of transparency where their expenses are concerned would suggest someone was up to something somewhere.

Obviously that’s just my opinion and there’s no evidence that anyone is breaking the law but a system whereby no-one has to produce any receipts and everything is funded by the taxpayer leads me to only one conclusion :- they’re all a bunch of self serving, grasping cunts and we’d be better off without them.

Right then, writing stuff.

Well as I said about a week ago ‘I’m Rivelino’ is finished and is with my readers. Random House haven’t, as yet, beaten down my door waving a big fat cheque but I’m ever hopeful. I have however spoken to a regional publisher who is very interested in the life story of fat geordie with a devastating line in chat though – he just needs to run it by his business partner so fingers crossed.

I’ll let you know first – watch this space.

Further to that I was recently approached by a brand new independent publisher with a view to publishing one of my short pieces on their brand new website. The publisher is ‘Byker Books’ and the page on their site is called ‘Radgepacket’ it’s designed to promote up and coming authors and as far as I’m concerned all publicity is good so I agreed to let them use ‘Blagger’.

Here’s the link – see what you think of them and let me know.

Byker Books

Anyway, that’s it for now but I’ll leave with you with a little question. I’ve got a cold and apparently that means I’ve got ‘Man Flu’ so does that mean when lasses get a sniffle they’ve got Bird Flu?

And does that mean we can cull them?

I'm Rivelino...

WooHoo...I've finished it.

My seminal work on the exploits of a handsome geordie who follows his team around the country over three decades is, to quote our colonial cousins, in the can (which is probably where it'll fucking end up as well!!).

My elite team of professional readers can expect their inboxes to ping at some point over the weekend and the rest of you can expect to see it as soon as Random House give me the ten million pound advance I'm expecting.

Toodle pip

FH

An offer I wouldn't refuse...

Well then, where to start today?

I’ve had a crap week work-wise, put in loads of unpaid hours with a lot more to come, been treated like a mug and generally unappreciated.

'Special' - My second novel is getting rejected left, right and centre...

I decided to spend last night working on the fourth (and hopefully final) draft of my toon book ‘I’m Rivelino’ but my internet connection went down thus stopping my research. After arsing about for an hour or so I finally admitted defeat and rang my provider to be met with a recorded message telling me they were upgrading and ‘some networks may be affected’ – that’s not what I pay for – I assume my bill will be rebated accordingly will it? Fuckers. .

Too frustrated by now to work on my book I decided to acquaint myself with ‘Photoshop’ with a view to using it on a website I’m putting together. As my copy of the program didn’t come with any manuals I’ve acquired some old ones, one of which came with a bonus disk full of tutorials and free images.

‘Brilliant’ I thought ‘progress on something anyway’ until I realised that the disk was so old that my new laptop wich runs on ‘Vista’ didn’t recognise the fucking content of the bonus disk and my version doesn’t correlate with any of the manuals.

So I’m in a right huff and contemplating paddling a canoe down Hartlepool Marina before resurfacing in Panama in the future when my phone rings…..and everything was alright again.

I’m going to be Godfather to my nephew James – get in!

Bits of Kids...

I'm off back up to the toon tonight, ostensibly to ensure my little nephew is being schooled properly in the pugilistic arts but also to have a few pints in the worlds greatest city. With this in mind I thought I'd give you a sneak (and free!) preview of my latest column in 'Players Inc.' before it even hits the shops.

I could probably cover loads of stuff this issue that’ll be gone over elsewhere in the magazine. Things like all the clean sheets we’ve been keeping making all the nationally based sportswriters who’ve been pushing their own anti-Keegan agenda look a bit stupid. Or the effortless swatting aside of the makems and the subsequent non mentioning of the coveted title of ‘North East top dogs’ by a certain local paper which is normally brought up every time we slip down the league. But I decided that I’d rise above all that and won’t even mention various members of the Guardian sporting pages that have anti Newcastle tendencies and exhibit them on every possible occasion, even when they really have not got a leg to stand on. So instead, for this issue, I’m going to concentrate on the future and the work of some of our much maligned back room signings – Director of football Dennis Wise and vice-president Tony Jimenez.

Football, as we have all witnessed, has changed in the last ten years. It’s now vital to bring players through the ranks as well as buy in the big names ( something our previous chairman seemed to ignore preferring instead to bask in the glory of ‘trophy signings’) and the club seem to have recognised this and acted upon it.

The appointments of Wise and co were mocked in most quarters with elements of the national press mischeviously suggesting he was Keegans replacement but his presence, with Wor Kev’s blessing, is already being felt at the club. Our reserves clinched the Northumberland Senior Cup, with good performances from the likes of Tozer, Baheng and Kadar being pivotal to this. These players, amongst others, were brought in during January and could well be the future of our club.

It was said that Keegans biggest mistake last time around (apart from not playing me up front obviously…) was to scrap the reserve team and he would probably hold his hands up to that but youth is certainly a priority this time. Already in the last ten or so games of the season we have seen the likes of Carroll, Lua Lua, and Edgar appearing in the first team and letting no-one down with their respective contributions. There’ll be a cacophony of noise this summer, all shouting for big signings and ‘statements of intent’ but, while it’s important to invest in quality it’s also just as vital to look to the future and the new ‘management’ are obviously aware of this.

In Mike Ashley and Chris Mort we have two sensible individuals who don’t court publicity and don’t have to appease a plc which means they can take sensible long term decisions without having to put money in the pockets of shareholders (particularly those living in Gibraltar) and they both know the importance of long term investment versus short term reckless spending.

It’s my opinion (which means it’s probably wrong..ho hum) that our future’s in safe hands. Those lads that won the Northumberland Senior Cup won’t all make it, the lads appearing in the first team now and then might not last the course either (they’re all just bits of kids after all). But the fact that we’re investing so much time, effort and money in their acquisition and development in the first place means that we’ve got a lot to look forward to.

The next few years are gonna be great.

Howay the lads

Anyway, that's it for now - have a good one.

FH

Ps - I bet you thought the title of this piece referred to a cellar in Austria...

Rejected.....again!

'Special', the genre defining, thrill a minute, rollercoaster ride of sex, drugs, violence and Geordie accents has been rejected again.

Just thought I'd mention it.

FH

Ps - They'll all be sorry one day!!!!!!!!

Weak Ends (see what I did there...)

Couple of things this morning,

I had a good bank holiday weekend – went to ‘Indie Night’ on the Friday, an event co-promoted and co-hosted by one of my mates and that was belter. The bar he held it in had a drinks promotion on ‘Sol’ so at one point, whilst jumping about to The Jam and trying to keep my lime in my bottletop I thought I was right back in the eighties!

On Sunday of the weekend I went to ‘kill for a seat’ comedy night and watched three comics that were very, very funny – particularly the kiwi who was scared of ‘The North’… yeh mate you should be.

I went to see Pam Ann last night – for those of you who don’t know she’s an Australian comedienne who basically parodies a air hostess from the sixties. Well, she starts off like that and slips back into it now and then but in between she is filthy…..and overall, fucking hilarious.

If none of you’ve ever heard of her then she’s well worth going to see.

Anyway, no writing stuff happening other than the imment finishing of my third book ‘I’m Rivelino’ and the subsequent raft of rejections I’ll undoubtedly get….

See you later.

PS – My boss is getting knocked out today – not necessarily by me though!

Writing News...

Afternoon boys and girls long time no see,

I've been busy lately hence the lack of posts but it's been for a worthwhile cause...basically me.

I'm starting to edit the fourth and final draft of the seminal and definitive working class autobiography 'I'm Rivelino - A life of two halves' and thanks to focussing all my time and energy on it lately it's got to this stage right on the deadline I set myself originally.

Anyway, if you want to read some extracts before the world goes mad for it and you can't get a copy then have a look here (it's my proper website) :-

Rivs proper website where he doesn't use the C word much

Let me know how you get on.

Rivs

Everything is Average nowadays - part 7

Local elections and lying cunts on my doorstep, bosses who are a complete fucking joke and appear to get off on having some sort of power over you, Ashley Cole (hate the cheating twat – have done ever since he went through a phase of going down holding his face to get people sent off), publishers who don’t get back to you when they say they will, Students, the British Media, Idiots who believe everything they read in the aforementioned British media, Jeremy Kyle – the worst kind of hypocrite, Kerry Katona – mouthy fat bint, Chris Moyles – no particular reason just that he’s a fat bully who died on his arse at the Brits when faced with a live crowd and none of his sycophants to back him up, Politicians – all fucking scum, HR people who cover for their mates and make everyone else’s lives miserable in the process, bad backs that stop you training, hangovers…in foreign cities…in the sunshine, Makems, Football columnists in newspapers that should know better than to slag off certain managers before they’ve even had a chance to sort out the shite they’ve inherited but then go really quiet and can’t bring themselves to admit they’re wrong when the manager in question wins four games out of five – wankers, did I mention politicians?


All shite - Fact.

Spanish Ayes...

Afternoon all, I haven’t posted much over the last few days as I spent the weekend in Barcelona…yeah I know, I’m a cosmopolitan, windswept and interesting kinda guy.

As it happens I lived and worked in Barca (that’s what us locals call it) back in the day and had a great time. My job was on a building site and involved a lot of blagging on my part, think Auf Wiedersehen Pet, particularly when Neville was pretending to be a chippie, and you’ve got the idea.

Anyway, my weekend there was just as good as it always is (I’ve been a few times in the last six or seven years for various reasons) and I had a top time. Highlights included :-

Getting a lock in at a very local bar
Eating mountains of tapas
Visiting the hotel I built for the first time in fifteen years
Discovering I could still speak conversational Spanish (well, I can order a sandwich!)
And of course, necking copious amounts of Cerveza

Nothing much happened on the publishing front while I was away but I’m sure there’ll be developments soon.

In the meantime I'm thinking of scribbling a quirky travel book on my second favourite city – I might call it ‘Spanish Ayes...A weekend in the life of Julio Geordio’

Adios muchachos.

Good causes...

In an attempt to gain back some 'good karma' points from the big lad upstairs I have agreed to help out someone less fortunate than myself - ie a Spurs fan!

Basically there's a charity auction of a signed Newcastle Shirt (which won't be of interest to at least two of my regulars - philistines that they are) which won't actually cost people too much money and will benefit the Merlin Project (A multiple sclerosis charity) - see below for the details.

Hi mate First of all, congrats on a great site. I'm actually a Spurs fan living in Newcastle (so I guess I owe you another congrats for tanking us a couple of weeks ago!).

Anyway - I have a current squad signed NUFC shirt, which I'm putting up for a "reverse bid" auction for charity. I wonder if you'd be kind enough to advertise it on your site, please? There's a £2.50 entry fee (per bid - so if you donate a tenner, you can bid four times). The person with the lowest unique bid wins the shirt. This is the same shirt that retailed in the club shop in Eldon Square for £350and comes with a certificate of authenticity from the club. The frame alone is worth £100, and stands 1.15m tall and is signed by the current squad. The charity is for Multiple Sclerosis care - the Merlin Project. They are a joy to work with, as they are always so genuinely and personally grateful for any funding through events such as this.

http://www.merlinproject.org.uk (registered charity number 1093691).

The auction is now up, and closes on Sunday May 4, so people have four weeks to put their bids in. With each donation of £2.50 or more, as long as they've given a valid e-mail address, they get an acknowledgement e-mail with instructions on how to bid.

The page is all set up and running at: http://www.justgiving.com/spursornothing

(Forgive the URL! After May 5 we'll be focussing on Tottenham, but wanted to make use of your own club's generosity and great fans first).

If anyone, including your site members, have any questions, I'm happy for them to contact me direct at this e-mail. Thanks for your time in reading this, and for the continued work on your website - I know what a hard job it is! I hope you're able to help us. all the best, - Si Twining www.SpursOrNothing.co.uk

Apathetic democratic...

It’s all going to kick off in Zimbabwe any day now – you can just see it can’t you?

Mugabe has obviously been beaten in the election but is staying put anyway, and, as he controls most of the armed forces, I think there’ll be an awful lot of blood spilt before he leaves the presidents office.

Why am I bringing this up?

Well it struck me last night that, while the rest of the world wrings it’s hands about an unelected dictator wrecking the lives of the majority of his countrymen and looking after his sycophants financially, no-one in this country ever voted for Gordon Brown did they?

So whilst his mp’s award themselves big pay rises and use their unchallenged expenses claims (paid for by us, the taxpayers) to fund their tv licences and the like we can sit back safe in the knowledge that at least we don’t live in Zimbabwe.

It’s not like prices are going up every day and only a privileged few have much cash in their pockets is it…..shit!


Ps – Charlton Heston used to proudly stand at those Gun Control meetings in America and raise his rifle, proclaiming loudly that if they wanted to stop him owning a gun they’d have to ‘prise it from my cold dead hands’ – shouldn’t be too much of problem now should it.

Writing News...

I've finally finished the first draft of 'Magpie Ranger' (woohoo!!) and am starting the first major edit/rewrite - I'm also thinking of changing the title (it never rains eh...) and will be sending copies out to my readers soon before beginning the soul destroying but very exciting process of contacting publishers.

Don't worry though - I won't pretend I don't know you when I'm A List...

Onward and upward.

Teacher Comforts...

Schools have been in the news this week as the National Union of Teachers have held their annual conference. Predictably they've went right over the top in an effort to get themselves on the telly and appear 'controversial' as ex-students are wont to do when they're trying to be more 'wacky and zany' than their counterparts.

Having said that I think two of their proposals went too far and cost them any respect they may have had left in this country -: they want Imams (muslim clerics) to come in and give lectures, studying of the Koran to become commonplace and christian assembles dropped. They also want the armed forces banned from having any kind of presence in schools - their argument being that their literature and promotional material is misleading. In fact one of them - Paul McGarr, An utter prick if I've ever seen one - summed up his whole unions contempt for our armed services by sneering 'Join the army and we will send you to bomb, shoot and torture human beings.'

Call me pedantic but isn't that exactly what militant muslims clerics promote in their teachings about anyone they don't like?

I know some teachers and they've always seemed fairly well balanced to me so is their union speaking for them all or is it, as I suspect, a few ex-students who couldn't get laid at university blaming everyone else for their own inadequacies?

Answers on a postcard to the NUT - well assuming you left school able to read and write, not a given these days.

Hoo man am gasping...

Apparently some government minister (I don't know which one and don't really care - they're all inept, greedy, out of touch and fucking incompetent) has decreed that cigarettes should not be on display in shops and should be sold from 'under the counter' - brilliant!

Bearing in mind this is a legal product that the government makes an absolute fortune on in tax (with which to furnish asylum seekers with cars and houses) and it seems ludicrous that people who use it should be demonised in this way - I'm a non smoker incidentally so don't think I'm pursuing my own agenda here.

The thinking behind this attempt to make smokers carry a bell and shout 'unclean' as they walk down the road is that if they can't see the packets then they won't want to buy the cigs - are these fuckers for real?

If you've smoked for thirty years and have lungs resembling tar pits you're not going to be put off by asking for a packet of tabs in a brown paper bag are you?

'Can I have a copy of big tits monthly, some condoms, a tube of pile cream and a dildo - oh and (puts whispering voice on) twenty regal king size guvnor - they're for a mate.'

You couldn't make it up - I only wish I was.

Can't buy me love...

I've just heard on the radio that Heather Mills has been awarded twenty four million english pounds as part of her divorce settlement from Paul Mcartney.

She then had the temerity to bleat that she and her daughter would be unable to travel first class any more - I must have missed the bit where she contributed to his vast fortune through her work with...??

What fucking planet does she live on? Twenty four million notes just for shagging a wrinkled old scouser a couple of times - she's been well overpaid if you ask me. I reckon if she'd been paid by her true worth she'd have to have had sex with him about...oooh...forty eight million times.

Money's too tight to mention...

I realise I’m preaching to the converted here but yesterdays budget has simply washed over me in a wave of apathy. The reasons for this are as follows:-

Our rancid hospitals routinely kill people through their superbug infections

The Police are nowhere to be seen anymore – well unless you haven’t paid your council tax or you’ve been speeding in your car then there’s a van load of them smashing down your door.

Our courts think of criminals as victims and uphold their ‘Human Rights’ whilst disregarding ours.

Our school system is collapsing as they become lawless, violent places which churn out ever thicker, more feckless youths.

Our road and rail networks are an absolute shambles and national embarrassment.

Our Armed forces have been short changed and betrayed by the idiots who are meant to be leading them

We give money, houses and cars to anybody who turns up and utters the magic word ‘asylum’ whilst our pensioners who lived through the post war hard times and helped build this country back up die through hypothermia and are imprisoned for being unable to afford their council tax.

We are the most taxed and spied upon nation in the world (my opinion anyway)

That’s just stuff off the top of my head, there’s probably things I could write about corrupt politicians, little hitlers in council offices, the scandal of the state of refuse collection, the way fuel is twenty five pence a litre more expensive now than it was a couple of years ago and …ooh loads more stuff.

The reason I’m not going to is that I really can’t be arsed – what’s the point when politicians themselves don’t give a monkeys and spend most of their time laughing at us – well when their snouts aren’t in the trough that is.

Yesterday during the budget speech David Cameron voiced the fact that the Labour part had imposed on the people of this country ‘the heaviest tax burden in our history’

Labour’s Childrens minister Ed Balls (an apt name for an utter cock) retorted with ‘So What?’ This was then disputed by the Labour party as their mighty spin machine swung into action but he was clearly heard by many.

Mind you, as he and his partner, Minister Yvette Cooper, take over £582,892 a year in taxpayers money through their combined salaries and ‘expenses’ I don’t suppose they do give a fuck.

I don’t suppose for one minute they have to decide whether to put an extra jumper on or turn up the heating.

I don’t suppose they wonder whether they can afford to fill the car up this week.

I don’t suppose they have to make the decision to shop at Aldi or Tescos

Come election time though I’m thinking we won’t have much of a decision to make either – although, given our rich history of revolution, insurrection and civil war it might not even get that far when the fuel goes up again.

Here’s hoping eh!

Lions led by donkeys...

I hope you’ve all swotted up on your French and German boys and girls as it’s looking like English won’t be required for much longer.

Gurning Gordon yesterday carried through the task left to him by Tony Blair and sold us out to his mates in Brussels ably assisted by the ‘leader’ of the Lib-Dems (incidentally there’ll be a highly paid, full time euro president when the new treaty is officially ratified. Guess who that’ll be? Yup, step forward Tony – penny dropping yet?)

I expect shoddy behaviour from the man in charge of a joke party like the Lib-Dems but I’m also old enough to remember when The Labour party were interested in advancing the cause of the working classes rather than feathering their own nests. I’ve never liked the Tories (mainly because I grew up in the North that Thatcher tried to kill and will therefore be drinking heavily when she dies!) but there’s no way I can consider voting for a party that consistently lies, cheats and is only interested in taking as much money as possible off me in stealth taxes.

Ministers fiddle their expenses and live in luxury while we all struggle to pay rising power, water and fuel bills before being carted off to filthy hospitals and abusive nursing homes to see out our days – what exactly happens to all that money we pay into National Insurance over our lifetimes?

What are we actually paying them foranyway? All the laws are made in Brussels now and we’re not allowed to do anything unless they give us the nod – what do they actually do in the Commons?

Anyway, I’m off to buy my French Golden Delicious by the Kilo (you go to jail if you use pounds and ounces remember) before taking out a mortgage for a litre (not a gallon) of petrol.

Vive la Revolution.

It's not what you know it's who you are...

News has reached me of an x-factor style (ie shite!) writing competition for 'celebrities' to be televised on BBC2 - see below :-

A new "Apprentice"-style reality TV show will turn one of six celebrities into a crime author, mentored by Minette Walters and published by Pan Macmillan.

"Murder Most Famous", which will be broadcast on BBC2 during the week of World Book Day (6th March), is the brainchild of "Strictly Come Dancing" and "Dragons' Den" mastermind Richard Hopkins, m.d. of Fever Media. Hopkins hopes the programme will do for writing what "Strictly Come Dancing" did for ballroom dancing—making the subject accessible and an "entertaining prospect" as a TV format.

The series will be broadcast in five daily 45-minute episodes, and pits six celebrities—dancer Brendan Cole, actresses Sherrie Hewson and Angela Griffin, former tabloid editor Kelvin MacKenzie, presenter Matt Allwright and gardener Diarmuid Gavin—against each other.

They will be mentored by Walters, who will set a series of challenges to inspire the celebrities' daily writing tasks. Training will include dog tracking, resisting a violent attack, an autopsy, crime scene investigation, interrogation techniques and rapid pursuit of a suspect. Walters will judge the celebrities' writing efforts and eliminate one candidate each day.

The winner will turn their plot and central characters into a novel, to be published with Pan as a Quick Read on WBD 2009, in conjunction with the BBC's adult literacy campaign RaW. The proceeds will go towards BBC Children in Need.

Pan Macmillan publishing director Maria Rejt, who will edit the winning celebrity's book, said it would be "a really big, fat challenge". "Writing crime is really difficult, and they've got to do a really good job," she added.

The series is being produced by Hopkins' Fever Media, a production company backed by Sony BMG. A website will show examples of the celebrity pupils' writing (as well as Walters' critiques), video diaries and extra footage.

I'm obviously a little disconcerted by this but am split into two points of view:-

A. Another book written by a semi famous illiterate will be on the bookshelves thus denying me one more chance of making it

or

B. More people will pick up books after noticing that their favourite semi famous illiterate has a tome in the shops and the resulting profits will go towards publishing an unknown writer.


Either way I know one thing, the ghost writer employed to 'tidy up' (ie write the fucking thing...) the 'celebrity book' will be making a living whatever happens.

Swift Justice...

Following my blast at the forces of Law and Order last week I feel I have to re-dress the balance slightly and recount an incident from Saturday night.

I had left a party along with my brother in law and our respective spouses in order to get another drink at a pub in the town where we live. Our route took us past a popular snooker club where a small crowd had gathered and a young man was removing his shirt and being restrained by his friends. Being gentlemen of the old school we naturally shepherded the ladies past the gathering and continued on our way.

After about ten paces we looked back to find that the crowd had turned into four men beating one man senseless and the boy with no shirt was nowhere to be seen.

Again, being old school, my brother in law and myself couldn’t allow four men to savagely beat one lad so we intervened, throwing the men off him and letting them know what we thought about their cowardice.

All of this had taken literally moments from our initial walking past of the club and, to the credit of the police, they were there within seconds. We walked away quickly and were passed by more lawmen running up the road to the scene.

So, in all fairness, I must applaud their reaction to what could have been a serious, even fatal incident, and I’ll leave them alone this week.

Mind you, if I get pulled at any time about it...

Anarchy in the UK...

Here's a hypothetical situation - what do you think should happen and more importantly what do you know will happen:-

A man who is currently on bail, against police advice, for two armed robberies and with a string of violent incidents invoving guns, knives and bats tries to rob a shopkeeper.

Numerous witnesses give 'consistent' accounts of the fact that this man is armed with a knife and is definitely trying to rob the shopkeeper.

The man ends up dead by his own blade, a fact confirmed by the same witnesses.

The shopkeeper is left dazed and with knife wounds in his face, back and neck.

Right so in any right thinking country what do you think should happen?

That's right - the police and judiciary would award the shopkeeper a medal and be pleased that another violent thug is off the streets permanently.

But this isn't a right thinking country.....this is the Britain that Tony built and Gordon continues.

So what do you think has really happened?

Right again - the police who were nowhere to be seen during this attack arrested the shopkeeper and then bailed him pending further enquiries. They have also sent a file to the Crown Prosection Service (maybe CPS should stand for civilian persection service these days? just a thought) for them to decide whether manslaughter or murder charges should be brought against him.

This is the same police who will berate the public for not stepping in or for avoiding getting involved but the minute you do they'll nick you for anything they can as long as it ticks one of their target boxes - on reflection I'll give it a miss if the opportunity presents itself I think (especially with my back!).

Oh and this, incidentally, is in the same week a war hero pensioner was sent to prison for witholding a percentage of his council tax in protest at rising bills and the Lord Chief Justice issued guidelines that any offender who carries out common assault with a weapon (ie a knife or a bat) should only get a community sentence.

Skewed priorities?

It went beyond that some years ago - this country's fucked.

Back in???

Alreet,

Have you noticed how the frequency of my posts directly correlates with the time I'm off work - spooky eh?

Right, the official verdict on my back comes from my physio - I have injured my spine - yes, my fucking SPINE - you know the one it carries your whole body from birth to death and if you break it you're pretty much finished.

Apparently, I have knocked my facet joint out of sync and this is causing my huge and well developed trapezium muscle to kick off and inflame. So taking one of my loyal readers advice(and more importantly, the physio's)I have self-certified myself for the rest of the week and am spending a lot of time immersed in hot baths and deep heat cream (which is canny hot like!). I've also got another session with the young, blonde and very pleasant physio on Friday which may sound very nice but in reality is quite painful (and yet still good - I wonder what Freud would have made of that??)

So I'll probably be doing some work on Magpie Ranger for the next few days as well as looking to explore new areas of possible freelance work - what I really need is a magazine where they encourage both swearing and spleen venting for vast sums of money...any ideas?

Oh, and one final thing, everyone with tendonitis (ie my 'little' brother) can just get back to nursery cos spinal injuries are for real blokes who are obviously as hard as nails - see you later.

Cold Shouldered....

Two things have happened to me so far this week - one good and one bad.

On Sunday night I went to Oxford to see Dave Spikey on his 'laughter is the best medicine' tour - you'll all remember Dave as 'Jerry' from Phoenix nights - and he was very funny. I won't make myself look stupid by trying to repeat anything he said (or did) here but trust me, he was good.

That was the good thing - here comes the bad one...

I've had a bit of bother with my shoulder recently, I damaged it at work and it's stopped me training properly (which is annoying at the best of times) as generally caused me pain. Luckily I'm a tough Geordie hammer thrower so I just ignored it.....well until yesterday.....I was just getting out of the bath (try to contain yourselves ladies - hard I know) and having a stretch before getting ready for work when something in my back popped and left me in a heap on the floor, whimpering like a posh boy in a northern kebab shop at midnight.

Obviously I took the day off work (hooray), but not before securing their promise to pay for some physio, and am hitting the doctors today - hopefully there'll be some lengthy signing off going on.

Anyway, that's it from me today, still no news on my various manuscripts at various publishers but as soon as I know anything then you will.

See you later kids...

PS - Just realised that as the government now own Northern Rock they are, in effect, sponsoring my football team with your taxes - Ha ha cheers lads!!!

Everything is average nowadays- Part 6

Can you hear that?

No?

That faint rumbling sound in the distance - hear it now?

Yeh?

Do you know what it is?

That's right - it's a Fasthands rant and it's coming your way NOW.


Sports journalists on national 'newspapers' with an obvious agenda against certain clubs from the north; Kerry Katona - professional 'celebrity'; Ed Balls and Yvette Cooper - ministers who rake in over six hundred thousand pounds a year thanks to clever manipulation of their couple status and expenses forms whilst all the time supporting a government that reduces pensions for people who still live together as couples - hypocritical scumbags; Roy Keane - the 'world class' (Niall Quinns words-not mine) manager who recently had Sunderland players pretending to be sheep in a 'team bonding' exercise - mug; That bint who filmed her mates kicking an innocent bloke to death on her mobile - she's now hopefully going to prison and won't be looking forward to the happy slapping she'll be getting; Salesmen, canvassers and cold callers - get off my doorstep it's teatime; Macdonalds bacon rolls - one slice of bacon...FUCKING ONE!; Steven Spielberg, resigns from the olympic thing because of China's role in Darfur - wasn't he aware of what they were like before he took the aforementioned role or has he got a film coming out soon and would welcome the publicity - I wonder which it could be; Ashley Cole - you stupid, stupid bastard; Hard-Fi/Arctic Monkeys - their second album was shite; West Midlands Police - any excuse to nick a northerner you officious pricks; Students; Politicians in general and last, but not least, the inconsiderate wanker that continues to park outside my house thus stopping me from doing so.

They all boil my piss.

Have a good weekend.

Shameless self-promotion...

No, not politicians today - I've just noticed a number of new readers lately and thought I'd take the opportunity to plug my new website.

It's intended to showcase my writing and chart my progress on the never ending struggle to gain recognition and be published.


www.freewebs.com/andyrivs/

Feel free to have a look round, leave your name in the guestbook and comment/rate the stuff that's on there - oh and spread the link to your mates....particularly if they're literary agents or publishers!!

cheers

Holidays in the Sun...

Hello again, remember me?

I must apologise for my lack of posts lately, basically it's because my boss is a twat.

Anyway, I went to watch Newcastle get smashed at Aston Villa last Saturday and, despite the result, which I half expected anyway, I had a very good day out. With this in mind I thought you might like to have a look at my latest article for Players Inc without having to go to the bother of actually buying a copy - I'm good to you.

Holidays in the sun

There will be those of you who’ve been a little disappointed by the results of the messiah’s return thus far. Some of you were no doubt dreaming of us storming up the table and into the european places just before we battered Man Utd in the FA Cup final and have been a little discomfited by the chill wind of reality. Me? I knew we’d struggle for the rest of the season. I also knew we wouldn’t qualify for any european competition (fingers crossed for the fair play league eh…or maybe not with Smith and Barton in the team!) so I’m not downhearted in any way shape or form.

Yes we’ve been tanked in a few games, yes we’re struggling for both goals and points and yes, I admit relegation is a real possibility but look further than the london based tabloid headlines and you can see the beginnings of a new era at St. James.

In the first half against Villa we dominated them, even though we were carrying the likes of Barton (slow, and over-rated in my opinion – that’s not me being vicious though) they couldn’t get the ball off us. When Kev’s had time to get his own men in then we’ll see that start to turn into full games of keeping possession and toying with the better teams.

If you look back at Wor Kev’s previous go around at Newcastle he started slowly, he just kept us up in Division two with a mixed bag of results and performances before he got to have a proper pre-season and work with everyone away from the hurly burly of a match every couple of days.

Throw into the mix that it also gave him time to plan and execute his transfer policy and it’s obvious we should be looking forward to next season with relish.

That summer we stayed up he got rid of half a team and brought in players of the calibre of Venison, Bracewell, Beresford and (a few weeks later) the mighty Robert Lee. He persuaded them all to sign for a team that was literally minutes from going into Division Three (once again thank you messrs Kelly and Peacock – lest we forget) and then lit the blue touch paper.

The paralells that can be drawn from that season all those years ago to this current mess are eerily similar:- underperforming players on big money; disenchanted fans; cowardice in the face of the enemy (ie good teams!) and, most importantly, a new owner making his first managerial appointment and being prepared to throw buckets of money at making it work

So smile at the social inadequates who try to bait you with jibes about our underachieving club, dismiss the ‘journalists’ who find every excuse possible to have a go at us (you could even stop buying their paper – just a thought like) and ignore the pundits on the telly who repeat gossip, fabrication and rumour as solid fact.

As Newcastle supporters, the best thing we can do now is get behind the lads on the park regardless of whether we think they deserve to play for us or not, write off this season and then book our summer holidays knowing that while we’re on the beach and drinking lager for breakfast Kev will be hard at work on our behalf.

He loves the club, he loves us and he’s got unfinished business with a few old adversaries.

Next season’s going to be great – I can’t wait.

Howay the lads

Bread Ken?

Continuing my theme of politicians being out of touch and more of a hindrance to British life than anything else I feel I must comment on ‘Red’ Kens latest wheeze.

He’s charging selected haulage firms £200 per lorry per day for them to enter London under the guise of ‘improving the air quality’ of London.

What a load of shite.

It’s purely about money and, as everything is with these wankers, it’s simply another tax on the working classes (I’m talking the one man haulage firms here).

It won’t happen but I’d love to see all the hauliers stand together and stick it up the smug, holier than thou twat and refuse to deliver anything to the capital for a week or so – he’d shit himself when the bread queues started wouldn’t he?

A new England?

Morning,

Just a thought while I've got some spleen left to vent this week...British Politicians - what the fuck's the point?

No-one listens to them.

No-one believes them.

No-one cares what they think.

No-one can relate to them or the world they live in.

And, most importantly…

All of our laws are made in Brussels now anyway and not Westminster.

So, here’s my idea…instead of paying ever increasing tax bills in order to keep them, their families, their mistresses, their friends and their secret gay lovers in the manner to which they're accustomed. Why don't we just cut out the middleman and give everything we own to the next illegal immigrant we see and then sign on the dole like everyone else?

Vive le revolution - can't be long now...

Ps – This train of thought was brought on by the news that big council tax increases are on the way as well as an expected 2% increase in income tax in the same week politicians of both main parties have been caught with their snouts in the trough.

Corrupt Scum – Fact.

Why Radio 1 is shit...(except for Jo Whiley)

I’ve just listened to a fat, ugly radio 1 DJ lampooning my regional accent on a national station.

He shouted and screamed abuse about someone who has had the audacity to leave the employ of his favourite football team whilst his sycophants and hangers on wet themselves laughing at his ‘hilarious’ (and extremely repetitive) Geordie impression safe in the knowledge that he wasn’t picking on them.

Two questions:-

1. Why is my licence fee (which I have no choice but to pay) being used to mock me and my fellow Novocastrians?
2. Is this ‘act’ of his not reminiscient of the same stagecraft as that employed by Jim Davison in his 70’s heyday when the another section of the community was on the receiving end?

Mind you he wasn’t as cocky when he appeared on ‘Never mind the Buzzcocks’ a few years ago and got savaged by PROPER funnymen and he ran crying to the tabloids that they were nasty to him. A bit different when the people on the show aren’t actually paid to laugh at your ‘jokes’ eh Chris?

It is my opinion that he was bullied as a child and didn’t lose his virginity until he was twenty eight – this would explain his frustration at his own ugliness and obesity and his need to take it out on the rest of the world – Obviously that’s just my opinion and I have no facts to back this up (although he is both ugly and indeed obese.)

Finally, I would just like to make you, my loyal readers, a promise. If I ever meet Mr Moyles I shall ask him if he fancies regaling me with his hilarious impression in a separate room, away from his disciples...and then I shall break his fat jaw.

Later.

A little patience...

Here's my latest column for Nufcview - feel free to disagree and then be shot down in flames by me :-

There will be those of you who’ve been a little disappointed by the results of the messiah’s return thus far. Some of you were no doubt dreaming of us storming up the table and into the European places just before we battered Man Utd in the FA Cup final and have been a little discomfited by the chill wind of reality. Me? I knew we’d struggle for the rest of the season. I also knew we weren’t likely to qualify for any European competition (fingers crossed for the fair play league though eh!) so I’m not downhearted in any way shape or form.

In fact, I would even go so far as to say that our less than brilliant start under Keegan so far could turn out to be a good thing in the long run. Maybe, just maybe, it’ll make some fans realise just how far backwards we went under the chairmanship of Mr Shepherd and his ‘managers’ (I still have nightmares about Souness). Then once they’ve accepted that we have no divine right to be in the top four we might get back to supporting the team and creating the atmosphere we used to have when some teams were beaten before they got on the pitch at St. James.

Turning back to our new manager though, If you look back at Wor Kev’s previous go around at Newcastle he started slowly, just keeping us up in Division two with a mixed bag of results and performances before he got to have a proper pre-season and work with everyone away from the hurly burly of a match every couple of days.

Throw into the mix that it also gave him time to plan and execute his transfer policy and it’s obvious we should be looking forward to next season with relish.

That summer we stayed up he got rid of half a team and brought in players of the calibre of Venison, Bracewell, Beresford and (a few weeks later) the mighty Robert Lee. He persuaded them all to sign for a team that was literally minutes from going into Division Three (once again thank you messrs Kelly and Peacock – lest we forget) and then lit the blue touch paper.

So give him time, don’t worry about this season as Kevin bloods younger players, finds out who he can rely on and who he can’t and, most importantly, gets them used to his (and our) style of football.

I think it’ll be worth the wait.


Howay the lads

American Idyll...

Howdy,

How y’all doing?

Right enough of that yank shite and on to telling you all about my holiday – basically it was ace.

I went to Vegas which was magnificent – the hotels are so over the top they’re brilliant. Didn’t win owt in the casinos but did get ID’d when trying to gain entry to a club – I didn’t know whether to kick off with the bouncer or kiss him!

Following that I hit Palm Springs and went up a mountain in the worlds largest 360 degree rotating cable car. I also had a steak that was bigger than my plate for a couple of quid – always a good thing.

En-route to LA I wandered into Calico, a ghost town that used to be a thriving silver mine – as a western fan I obviously headed straight for the saloon, pushed open the swing doors and shouted ‘This town ain’t big enough for the both of us’ – The barman wasn’t impressed.

Once in LA I visited Disneyland and Universal Studios and of course the famous Hollywood boulevard walk of fame.

It’s the original Disney (not that Florida impostor) and it was the first time I’d been to somewhere like that – frankly, I loved it. I suggest all you new dads start saving up now to take the sprogs in a few years time. I went on a few of the rides and even bought the photo of myself on ‘Space Mountain’ where I’m quite obviously shitting bricks.

Universal was similar but, if possible, even better – they had a few rides but also did special effects and stuntman shows which were class (especially Waterworld) – as well as that I took a tram around their ‘back lots’ which involved me meeting King Kong and Jaws and seeing various production sets including ‘War of the Worlds’, ‘Fast and Furious – Tokyo Drift’ and the seminal ‘Desperate Housewives’!!

Headed up to San Francisco after that and took a boat ride around the mighty Golden Gate bridge and Alcatraz. Went eating and drinking around the Fishermans Wharf area and indulged in some dessert at the world famous Cheesecake factory. Oooh… drank cocktails on the 49th floor of The Hilton overlooking the city as well.

All in all a cracking holiday and even learning that the same model of plane as mine had crashed at Heathrow just as we were boarding our return flight couldn’t spoil it.

In conclusion I would like to say that America, in my opinion, suffers from a bad press. The people I met there were very polite, courteous and helpful. There were obviously the odd obese and not too bright specimens as well but anyone who stereotypes the whole country in that vein really ought to take a good hard look at their own surroundings. The graffiti littered, rubbish and vomit strewn, hoodie wearing scrote filled, streets of my market town don’t compare to the pleasant, clean, looked after places I visited.

And as for the fat and stupid thing – just visit any British supermarket on a Saturday afternoon and observe the shell suited morons dragging their vast bulk around the aisles whilst their horrible fucking brats scream for sunny delight.

It’s good to be back.

Holiday...Celebrate...

Right, you know how everyone has just gone back to work following the Christmas and New Year break - Well I’m going on holiday for two weeks from Monday!

That means I’ll be incommunicado in the States and thus not able to comment on things like :-

• Massive price rises in energy bills way above inflation
• The railway fiasco in this country
• Our inept government handing over yet more of our lives to their paymasters in Brussels
• My boss being a wanker
• Our Mp’s denying essential services a decent pay rise (in England anyway!) whilst awarding themselves raises way above inflation
• The stupidity of Premiership footballers
• The ‘celebrity’ culture and why people who believe everything they read in ‘OK’ and ‘Hello’ are the spawn of Satan
• The tosser who keeps parking outside my house
• Chris Fucking Moyles
• Students


Obviously that list isn’t exhaustive but it covers most things I would have vented my spleen about.

Anyway, I’m off for a bit, try to get by without me and I’ll see you soon.

FH

Happy New year (I know it's late!)

In a magnificent feat of techno-wizardry I've added ratings and comment boxes to all of my short stories and extracts on my website - now you can all tell me exactly what you think - go on have a go.

Also, I was informed by Freewebs before Christmas that they'd be using my effort as one of their example sites and I could expect a lot more traffic in January so make sure, as my original fan base, you get in their first - I'll still talk to you when I'm minted and famous though!

Make sure you spread the word...and the link!!

http://www.freewebs.com/andyrivs/